Harold Camping

This Time For Realzies: Judgement Day, Part 2: The Judgementing

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Uh-oh, remember back in May, how the world was supposed to end with a bunch of goody goodies floating up into heaven and flashing their balls at us? And then remember how that didn’t happen and it was all hilarious? And remember how we all laughed at the guy who said the world was going to end with sack flashing god flights? And he was all like, “Well fuck you, it did happen, it was just invisible and you’ll see in six months when you’re starin’ up at my taint!” And we were all like, “Yeah, what ever crazy man, go be crazy somewhere else while we get back to not worrying about angry invisible rapture.”

"Who's got two thumbs and is gonna fuck your shit up? This God!"
"Who's got two thumbs and is gonna fuck your shit up? This God!"

Well, do you remember what day he said it was going to really happen for realzies this time? Well you know who DOES remember? Jesus.

Tomorrow, at “when ever you see believers in the sky” o’clock, this stupid little stupid planet full of stupid is gonna be over! It’s really going to happen this time! Seriously guys!

Have you noticed how many earthquakes there’ve been recently? Why, I read that just today there was one in San Francisco. SAN FRANCISCO of all places, experiencing an earth quake, co-incidentally the DAY BEFORE THE PREDICTED END OF THE FUCKING WORLD!? Did I say co-incidence? I meant NOT A GOD DAMNED CO-INCIDENCE AT ALL! And what about those floods and hurricanes and, you know, stuff. The world is flying apart at the seams people! Open your eyes!

I for one am here and now proclaiming my life long love of God and Jesus and everybody. Peter and Luke and who ever else. John, there was a John, right? I love all those mother fuckers. I always have, and I know that they’d never let their biggest fan be swallowed whole by this dying shit ball that I’ll be so glad when its gone! I’m gonna be kickin’ it up in heaven, with like, eighty tight angel ladies all complimenting me on my love of god and my indeterminate amount of abs. Me and JC and the Father, we’re all gonna hang out and laugh at the world writhing in agony below us, tip back a couple Four Lokos and play a little game of “No YOU’RE more awesome.” It’s gonna be so amazing and you’re not even gonna be there.

What? Wait, what? God’s not accepting any more applicants. On May 21st we were all judged and he’s just needed the last six months to warm up his planet splitter chain saw? Well that’s, that’s not really fair. I mean, I’ve just been comparison shopping. Like any good spiritual being, I’ve been pricing out deities, trying to find which one was right for me. ‘Cause, isn’t that what it says in the Bible, “Thou shalt have a fair amount of time to look around and make sure that you’re absolutely positive that you’ve made the best decision for you about having no other Gods before me.”? That’s in there somewhere, right?! RIGHT!?!

"Sorry bro, you are ska-rood,"
"Sorry bro, you are ska-rood,"

Oh science, I’m fucked! I’m fucked, you’re fucked, we’re all double plus super fucked! Alright, you know what? Fine. I’m good with that. I’ve lived a full, meaningful… productive… happy… life.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Oh Darwin! Oh Einstein! Newton help me! Alright, it’s not too late. I’ve got, I don’t know, some amount of time between eight and thirty-two hours left. If I’m going to hell I’m going there like I’ve got a god damned rocket strapped to my balls!

If I hurry, I’ve still got enough time to murder a drug dealer, have sex with the corpse, steal their drugs, sell them to a kindergarten class, maybe blow up a petting zoo. Oooh! I know! I’ll steal a car with a baby in the back seat, drive it through a handicapped nun picnic before finally crashing it into the river and lighting it on fire. Then, I’ll take a stack of Bibles that I’ve been saving for just such an occasion and give them a gathered crowd of homosexuals and feminists and activist judges and abortion doctors and we’ll all stand around in a big circle and jerk each other off onto them! Afterwards, we can sacrifice a new born lamb to, I don’t know, the wind or some shit.

Unless of course you’ll still have me Jesus, in which case, I’ll try not to do most of that.

Good luck with Hell suckers! Or… See you in Hell suckers!

VFoC “LIVE” on The Comedy Buffet’s Podcast

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The good fellas at The Comedy Buffet were kind enough to let us stink up their otherwise hilarious podcast the other night. We’d like to apologize in advance for our uncontrolable crass behavior, rude language, and complete disregard to fat kids, cross-dressing boys, and religion in general, … yeah right, who am I kidding? Let’s face it, there’s just not enough room for those “types” here on this earth that’s about to overheat anyway, so forget all that bullshit I just said, click the link below and hold the F on because here we go !!!

Click Here to … HEAR !!!

How to be funny on The Comedy Buffet podcast

VFoC "LIVE" on The Comedy Buffet's Podcast

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The good fellas at The Comedy Buffet were kind enough to let us stink up their otherwise hilarious podcast the other night. We’d like to apologize in advance for our uncontrolable crass behavior, rude language, and complete disregard to fat kids, cross-dressing boys, and religion in general, … yeah right, who am I kidding? Let’s face it, there’s just not enough room for those “types” here on this earth that’s about to overheat anyway, so forget all that bullshit I just said, click the link below and hold the F on because here we go !!!

Click Here to … HEAR !!!

How to be funny on The Comedy Buffet podcast

Oprah Winfrey, You’re Still Here? CHRIST!!

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The Farewell Season: Season 3

I could have sworn that a couple of years ago I heard commercial after commercial that Oprah’s final season was happening, but even today when I click the little black rectangle, there she is, still. She hasn’t gone anywhere! That damn show is still on and her “final farewell for realsies show” is three freakin’ days long this week, labeled: The Oprah Winfrey Farewell Spectacular.

It seems so strange that she would name it after herself being the shy and humble person she tells us she is. I mean she didn’t name her magazine after herself … it’s just “O The Oprah Magazine”. See? There’s no “Winfrey” in there so it’s not about her, not at all, except maybe that she is on every cover of the magazine, but that’s normal right? Nor is her “Harpo Productions”. Sure, they share the same five letters but it’s not her, unless you have a “The Shining” moment and notice that REDRUM is actually MURDER spelled backwards. And lets not forget her latest television network OWN. That’s just a regular word … own. It has nothing to do with her initials and network at the end of it. So why in the world would she start branding herself now?

But what does that have to do with her leaving the show after 25 years? Nothing! I just can’t stand people who are so self-righteous and braggart-like and claim the opposite. Now I don’t mind somebody telling their story of struggle and suffering, but when it comes from someone who has to produce it and shove it in everybody’s faces at every opportunity on all the major networks on all the biggest shows, holy F woman WE GET IT OK??? Now granted she does a lot for charities and gives away all kinds of prizes and what not, but let’s be honest, those “prizes” aren’t coming out of her pocket-book, those are corporations whoring their goods out on the most popular show on the planet and other planets that haven’t been found yet. Don’t get me wrong, if I had a coffee mug or a t-shirt with our logo on it, I’d have her pimp the living shit out of it on that show and put one under each and every chair. Sure, all the monetary contributions help out well deserved charities, but the more you give, the more you can write off your taxes, and the more your face and name can be plastered all over said charities walls. And let’s face it, she’s not going anywhere. We’re gonna see her all over the TV Scape talking about herself to no end. You’re not fooling us Miss Winfrey  you silly gal.

Me, me, me ... umm ... me, and Tom Cruise

So yes, FAREWELL Oprah, fare thee freakin’ well. I’m sure you might scrape by with your billions of dollars and your famous friends and your 50 acre estate and your book-club and your television network. We are so happy to be celebrating with you from our 900 sq.ft 1 bedroom apartments, celebrating with you while we scramble to fill our gas tanks, celebrate with you while the economy is taking a dump on all of us, losing our houses, going bankrupt, struggling on unemployment, and barely surviving the Goddamned Rapture last Saturday. Thank you so much for letting all of us get to share in your moment of tear filled happiness/sadness with Tom Cruise and Madonna, we’re so lucky. I am now convinced that since the Goodbye-Forever-This-Time-For-Reals-Spectacular was scheduled for this week, the Second Coming of Christ had to be postponed and everybody should get off Harold Camping’s case and blame HARPO.

Oprah Winfrey, You're Still Here? CHRIST!!

Posted on

The Farewell Season: Season 3

I could have sworn that a couple of years ago I heard commercial after commercial that Oprah’s final season was happening, but even today when I click the little black rectangle, there she is, still. She hasn’t gone anywhere! That damn show is still on and her “final farewell for realsies show” is three freakin’ days long this week, labeled: The Oprah Winfrey Farewell Spectacular.

It seems so strange that she would name it after herself being the shy and humble person she tells us she is. I mean she didn’t name her magazine after herself … it’s just “O The Oprah Magazine”. See? There’s no “Winfrey” in there so it’s not about her, not at all, except maybe that she is on every cover of the magazine, but that’s normal right? Nor is her “Harpo Productions”. Sure, they share the same five letters but it’s not her, unless you have a “The Shining” moment and notice that REDRUM is actually MURDER spelled backwards. And lets not forget her latest television network OWN. That’s just a regular word … own. It has nothing to do with her initials and network at the end of it. So why in the world would she start branding herself now?

But what does that have to do with her leaving the show after 25 years? Nothing! I just can’t stand people who are so self-righteous and braggart-like and claim the opposite. Now I don’t mind somebody telling their story of struggle and suffering, but when it comes from someone who has to produce it and shove it in everybody’s faces at every opportunity on all the major networks on all the biggest shows, holy F woman WE GET IT OK??? Now granted she does a lot for charities and gives away all kinds of prizes and what not, but let’s be honest, those “prizes” aren’t coming out of her pocket-book, those are corporations whoring their goods out on the most popular show on the planet and other planets that haven’t been found yet. Don’t get me wrong, if I had a coffee mug or a t-shirt with our logo on it, I’d have her pimp the living shit out of it on that show and put one under each and every chair. Sure, all the monetary contributions help out well deserved charities, but the more you give, the more you can write off your taxes, and the more your face and name can be plastered all over said charities walls. And let’s face it, she’s not going anywhere. We’re gonna see her all over the TV Scape talking about herself to no end. You’re not fooling us Miss Winfrey  you silly gal.

Me, me, me ... umm ... me, and Tom Cruise

So yes, FAREWELL Oprah, fare thee freakin’ well. I’m sure you might scrape by with your billions of dollars and your famous friends and your 50 acre estate and your book-club and your television network. We are so happy to be celebrating with you from our 900 sq.ft 1 bedroom apartments, celebrating with you while we scramble to fill our gas tanks, celebrate with you while the economy is taking a dump on all of us, losing our houses, going bankrupt, struggling on unemployment, and barely surviving the Goddamned Rapture last Saturday. Thank you so much for letting all of us get to share in your moment of tear filled happiness/sadness with Tom Cruise and Madonna, we’re so lucky. I am now convinced that since the Goodbye-Forever-This-Time-For-Reals-Spectacular was scheduled for this week, the Second Coming of Christ had to be postponed and everybody should get off Harold Camping’s case and blame HARPO.

VFoC Video — "May 21st, 2011 … It's Rapture Time Sinners"

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Ya'll Gonna Burn In Hell ... Me? Well I'm Goin' To Heaven Because I Am Nostradamus Jr.

Well as most of the world knows, tomorrow is the second coming of Christ, The Rapture, Judgement Day. Well … according to Harold Camping. Ya’ll ready? Better get repenting real quick like because only about 7% of us (dead or alive) are going to get floated up to Heaven tomorrow. The other 93% of us are gonna live in “hell on earth” for another six months or so. Sounds fun. If I were a bettin’ man, and I am, I’d bet that the Van Full Of Candy flies through the air tomorrow with flying colors.

May 21st, 2011 … It’s Rapture Time Sinners [VIDEO]

Posted on Updated on

Ya'll Gonna Burn In Hell ... Me? Well I'm Goin' To Heaven Because I Am Nostradamus Jr.

Well as most of the world knows, tomorrow is the second coming of Christ, The Rapture, Judgement Day. Well … according to Harold Camping. Ya’ll ready? Better get repenting real quick like because only about 7% of us (dead or alive) are going to get floated up to Heaven tomorrow. The other 93% of us are gonna live in “hell on earth” for another six months or so. Sounds fun. If I were a bettin’ man, and I am, I’d bet that the Van Full Of Candy flies through the air tomorrow with flying colors.