NASA

It’s Raining Baseball Fans

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Soon helmet giveaways at the ballpark won’t just be novelty promotions, but mandatory equipment given out before every game to protect lunatics from accidentally murdering themselves diving from rafters for collectible garbage.

I don’t know if you’ve heard the news, but there’s a hot new trend at the nation’s basedballing sport complexes: face diving onto cement from heights unsurvivable!

Last week at a Texas Rangers game, nearly seventy-five percent of the fans in attendance fell to its death from the upper deck. I’m sorry, I read that wrong, one man at a Texas Rangers game last week fell from the upper deck to his death. I apologize, that’s closer to 50%. Then, yesterday, during the Homed Running Derby of Hitting Competitions in someplace called “Phoenix” another idiot tried to hurl himself at a $5 souvenir laughably out of his reach and was only saved by the mistaken instinctive actions of those around him trying to protect him from his own unbridled stupidity as if his life were worth preserving.

This is really a guy you're going to try to save from what he's about to do?
This is really a guy you're going to try to save from what he's about to do?

Sports memorabilia is a very big, very dumb obsession, I know; I still have the bandana full of bottle openers that Charlie Hough hit me with at a Scottsdale Rite Aid back in ’98, and I cherish it as if it shattered my very own ocular bone: which it did. But these aren’t a home run ball that Mark McGwire kept his used steroid needles in after he’d already filled up the cat litter bucket he used to dispose of them in but before he had a new empty to fill, or the ball that Babe Ruth choked to death on when he mistook it for a heroin caked cheeseburger. The guy at the Rangers game was diving for a foul ball that Rangers outfieldman Josh Hamilton was throwing into the crowd and the idiot that tried to kill himself yesterday was at least ten rows away from a meaningless homerun derby dinger. Both of which, on the open market would fetch just about as much as any slightly used baseball listed on craigslist right now: “free, you pick up”.

Naturally, people hurtling themselves over railings, thirty or more feet above anything at all, is causing Major League baseball to look into the safety and security of their ball parks. Rather than simply, say, holding up these cases of the dip shitity of launching yourself from your insanely priced seats and understanding that the ball that the player that time will never remember just leisurely lobbed in your direction is the exact same one as those in the souvenir stand and probably isn’t worth a shattered face and traumatic, nationally televised orphanism.

And think of the players; won’t you? A quote from an actual article reporting the Rangers fan’s death:

There is also concern for Josh Hamilton, the player who tossed the ball. He’s battled his way back from addiction, and now has to deal with potential feelings of guilt over what happened.

Now please, don’t get me wrong, I understand that a professional atheletist must naturally feel some level of personal guilt that comes from shorting a throw, but I think the main thrust of the story is that a man just threw himself to his death in front of his six year old son in pursuit of a sports sphere of zero importance. Yes, it’s sad that the man DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for this otherwise perfectly dexterous and well reasoned bat bases swing ball enthusiast’s untimely spine compression might want to have a drink after witnessing, someone so willing to put their life at risk, trusting completely in his ability to competently do what he is paid millions of dollars to do just a single time in a way that the recipient would not have to put himself in mortal danger, be so terribly wrong; but the story is about this suddenly shorter ex-father and his inability to see the ball into his glove like a four year old t-ball player. Focus up news story. If anything, this experience should certainly make Mr. Hamilton an infinitely better fielder as from now until he exhales his final dying breath he will envision every recipient of his throw as potentially falling to their untimely, comical death directly in front of their barely comprehending toddler as a direct result of his precision or lack thereof. That’s gonna make him throw all the way through from here on out I think.

Not a speck of awareness of his own mortality in his eyes.
Not a speck of awareness of his own mortality in his eyes.

I don’t blame Josh Hamilton for one Texas man’s lack of a self preservation instinct, that’s dumb. I also don’t blame baseball stadiums. I, as usual, blame idiots. They come in all shapes and sizes and they’ll accidentally assassinate themselves no matter how impossible the world tries to make it. Admittedly, a thigh high railing over a 30 foot fall is not the BEST tool to fight tools, but what WILL keep the stupid from jumping after the pretty approaching orb? As we have continued to moron proof the world, I don’t doubt at all that in the near future all baseball stadiums will be built with chain link enclosed bleachers, locking the crowd in like the animals they are for their own good. And of course, it still won’t be enough, because as any Giants fan at Dodger Stadium will tell you once they’ve regained the ability to speak, not all of the danger is on the field.

So over react as quickly as you can baseball. Encase the stands in memory foam and packing peanuts double time, because before you can say “problem solved” some forehead is going to choke to death on a hunk of NASA technology that his buddies bet him a beer he couldn’t snort.

It's Raining Baseball Fans

Posted on

Soon helmet giveaways at the ballpark won’t just be novelty promotions, but mandatory equipment given out before every game to protect lunatics from accidentally murdering themselves diving from rafters for collectible garbage.

I don’t know if you’ve heard the news, but there’s a hot new trend at the nation’s basedballing sport complexes: face diving onto cement from heights unsurvivable!

Last week at a Texas Rangers game, nearly seventy-five percent of the fans in attendance fell to its death from the upper deck. I’m sorry, I read that wrong, one man at a Texas Rangers game last week fell from the upper deck to his death. I apologize, that’s closer to 50%. Then, yesterday, during the Homed Running Derby of Hitting Competitions in someplace called “Phoenix” another idiot tried to hurl himself at a $5 souvenir laughably out of his reach and was only saved by the mistaken instinctive actions of those around him trying to protect him from his own unbridled stupidity as if his life were worth preserving.

This is really a guy you're going to try to save from what he's about to do?
This is really a guy you're going to try to save from what he's about to do?

Sports memorabilia is a very big, very dumb obsession, I know; I still have the bandana full of bottle openers that Charlie Hough hit me with at a Scottsdale Rite Aid back in ’98, and I cherish it as if it shattered my very own ocular bone: which it did. But these aren’t a home run ball that Mark McGwire kept his used steroid needles in after he’d already filled up the cat litter bucket he used to dispose of them in but before he had a new empty to fill, or the ball that Babe Ruth choked to death on when he mistook it for a heroin caked cheeseburger. The guy at the Rangers game was diving for a foul ball that Rangers outfieldman Josh Hamilton was throwing into the crowd and the idiot that tried to kill himself yesterday was at least ten rows away from a meaningless homerun derby dinger. Both of which, on the open market would fetch just about as much as any slightly used baseball listed on craigslist right now: “free, you pick up”.

Naturally, people hurtling themselves over railings, thirty or more feet above anything at all, is causing Major League baseball to look into the safety and security of their ball parks. Rather than simply, say, holding up these cases of the dip shitity of launching yourself from your insanely priced seats and understanding that the ball that the player that time will never remember just leisurely lobbed in your direction is the exact same one as those in the souvenir stand and probably isn’t worth a shattered face and traumatic, nationally televised orphanism.

And think of the players; won’t you? A quote from an actual article reporting the Rangers fan’s death:

There is also concern for Josh Hamilton, the player who tossed the ball. He’s battled his way back from addiction, and now has to deal with potential feelings of guilt over what happened.

Now please, don’t get me wrong, I understand that a professional atheletist must naturally feel some level of personal guilt that comes from shorting a throw, but I think the main thrust of the story is that a man just threw himself to his death in front of his six year old son in pursuit of a sports sphere of zero importance. Yes, it’s sad that the man DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for this otherwise perfectly dexterous and well reasoned bat bases swing ball enthusiast’s untimely spine compression might want to have a drink after witnessing, someone so willing to put their life at risk, trusting completely in his ability to competently do what he is paid millions of dollars to do just a single time in a way that the recipient would not have to put himself in mortal danger, be so terribly wrong; but the story is about this suddenly shorter ex-father and his inability to see the ball into his glove like a four year old t-ball player. Focus up news story. If anything, this experience should certainly make Mr. Hamilton an infinitely better fielder as from now until he exhales his final dying breath he will envision every recipient of his throw as potentially falling to their untimely, comical death directly in front of their barely comprehending toddler as a direct result of his precision or lack thereof. That’s gonna make him throw all the way through from here on out I think.

Not a speck of awareness of his own mortality in his eyes.
Not a speck of awareness of his own mortality in his eyes.

I don’t blame Josh Hamilton for one Texas man’s lack of a self preservation instinct, that’s dumb. I also don’t blame baseball stadiums. I, as usual, blame idiots. They come in all shapes and sizes and they’ll accidentally assassinate themselves no matter how impossible the world tries to make it. Admittedly, a thigh high railing over a 30 foot fall is not the BEST tool to fight tools, but what WILL keep the stupid from jumping after the pretty approaching orb? As we have continued to moron proof the world, I don’t doubt at all that in the near future all baseball stadiums will be built with chain link enclosed bleachers, locking the crowd in like the animals they are for their own good. And of course, it still won’t be enough, because as any Giants fan at Dodger Stadium will tell you once they’ve regained the ability to speak, not all of the danger is on the field.

So over react as quickly as you can baseball. Encase the stands in memory foam and packing peanuts double time, because before you can say “problem solved” some forehead is going to choke to death on a hunk of NASA technology that his buddies bet him a beer he couldn’t snort.

The Eagle Has Landed … Well … Sorta. Ok, We’re Lying

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I go space ... I get many medals
Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the first human spaceflight. Supposedly some Russian named Yuri Gagarin was the first human to be launched into space on April 12, 1961. Ever heard of him? Didn’t think so. I think it’s cute how “they” want us to believe that people were actually launched into space in 1961. The Russians barely even had cars that far back and the ones they did have had 23horsepower. So you want us to believe you could put a 5 ton piece of metal in space with a human in it and have that human return safely to the earth? Awwwww, that’s sweet. Now look, I’m not saying I’m anti-Russian, or anti-Spacetravel, or even anti-Cavity for that matter, but let’s be real shall we?
Is good day for space travel, no?
When you see footage of “space travel” from the sixties, it’s pretty eye-opening how far our Hollywood production has come. They should just get rid of all the footage from the past, and redo it and tell us that they’ve enhanced it digitally, put it in HD and burn the fake shit. Don’t believe me? Then take a look at the Russian “video”, it’s eight minutes, so get a cold one and relax.
Hey guys, can I please take 15? I've gotta piss like a racehorse.

Since we’re on the topic of bullshit space travel, lets not forget the ol’ U S of A’s attempt to trick us as well. Apparently we landed on the moon, put a flag up there, bounced around and played golf on July 20, 1969. Now if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge for sale in … ummm … crap, I forgot the joke, but you know what I mean. So my question is, being that we’ve advanced our technology so far in the last 40+ years, then why in the world are we not going back to the moon? I mean shouldn’t we clean up the mess that we left there? Shouldn’t we go back and at least “prove” to the world that we were actually there? Shit, we got there in the 60’s, we should be able to take a plane there these days and hangout for the weekend. I smell something fishy, and it’s not the hooker in the back of the van.

Leave us a comment, tell us if you believe US or THEM.

The Eagle Has Landed … Well … Sorta. Ok, We're Lying

Posted on

I go space … I get many medals
Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the first human spaceflight. Supposedly some Russian named Yuri Gagarin was the first human to be launched into space on April 12, 1961. Ever heard of him? Didn’t think so. I think it’s cute how “they” want us to believe that people were actually launched into space in 1961. The Russians barely even had cars that far back and the ones they did have had 23horsepower. So you want us to believe you could put a 5 ton piece of metal in space with a human in it and have that human return safely to the earth? Awwwww, that’s sweet. Now look, I’m not saying I’m anti-Russian, or anti-Spacetravel, or even anti-Cavity for that matter, but let’s be real shall we?
Is good day for space travel, no?
When you see footage of “space travel” from the sixties, it’s pretty eye-opening how far our Hollywood production has come. They should just get rid of all the footage from the past, and redo it and tell us that they’ve enhanced it digitally, put it in HD and burn the fake shit. Don’t believe me? Then take a look at the Russian “video”, it’s eight minutes, so get a cold one and relax.
Hey guys, can I please take 15? I’ve gotta piss like a racehorse.

Since we’re on the topic of bullshit space travel, lets not forget the ol’ U S of A’s attempt to trick us as well. Apparently we landed on the moon, put a flag up there, bounced around and played golf on July 20, 1969. Now if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge for sale in … ummm … crap, I forgot the joke, but you know what I mean. So my question is, being that we’ve advanced our technology so far in the last 40+ years, then why in the world are we not going back to the moon? I mean shouldn’t we clean up the mess that we left there? Shouldn’t we go back and at least “prove” to the world that we were actually there? Shit, we got there in the 60’s, we should be able to take a plane there these days and hangout for the weekend. I smell something fishy, and it’s not the hooker in the back of the van.

Leave us a comment, tell us if you believe US or THEM.

Space Wants You Dead

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This can't be real... THIS CAN'T BE REAL!
This can't be real... THIS CAN'T BE REAL!

We are all going to be murdered by a giant green blob, the size of our entire galaxy, THAT SHITS STARS!

Why am I the only one screaming!?

So what if it’s 650 million light years away? How do you know that some living space cloud, the size of what we can’t even begin to imagine with our tiny little ape brains and who’s waste product is a giant ball of nuclear fission doesn’t have some way of traversing that distance in a week and a half? You don’t know! How do you know!? YOU DON’T KNOW!

Okay, alright, let me start over…

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t worry about something in space killing us without even noticing it. You really have no idea how tiny and fragile and defenseless we are. We’re only all still alive because some wandering brown dwarf hasn’t tumbled by, ripping our entire atmosphere off and going on about it’s merry way without batting a stupid, dwarven little eye… Yet. So when I hear about us actually discovering something so mind rapingly insane just trudging through the universe, I have two reactions. One; sweet tangy Christ, that thing wants to murder me, and two; if we’ve actually managed to discover this thing, what other nightmares are out there waiting for me that I haven’t even imagined to be frightened of yet?

Mrow, fuck you!
Mrow, fuck you!

This humongous sun crapper was first discovered by a dutch elementary school teacher thumbing through NASA’s packed away photo albums in 2007. NASA has a program called the Galaxy Zoo Project where they apparently take old shoe boxes full of dusty snap shots of the fucking unknown wonders of deep space, that they just hand out to anyone and say, “Hey, could you rifle through these eight by ten color glossies of infinity and see if there’s anything out there in the great vastyness of all of creation, billions of years of existence spanning farther than we’ve ever made words to describe that might want to obliterate everything we’ve ever known through power unimaginable? Thanks, you’re a Reuben. We’ll just be over here testing how hilarious it is when cats try to pee in zero gravity.”

A giant green blob in space is exactly the kind of thing that Star Trek has been trying to prepare us for all these years, and now, when we finally find it, it’s treated like we didn’t just discover our own tombstones floating in the sky.

I realize budgets are tight, but I think there should be more than just a volunteer brigade of wooden shoe wearing elementary school teachers in charge of making sure we know about the scariest shit imaginable floating around in the void. We have a giant telescope in the sky, taking pictures of everything, shouldn’t there be someone who’s job it is to look at those pictures, you know, when our other chocolate chomping experts are busy grading spelling tests?

After NASA released this new photo, the teacher that first discovered it said it looked like a dancing frog in the sky because it’s green, and she could even see what passes for arms and eyes. Fantastic. And while NASA and Dutch teacher NASA giggled and toasted over a shoe full of cocoa, my brain couldn’t stop shitting itself, like a giant inter-stellar gas frog the size of a galaxy shits stars.

So it’s pretty clear that I’m the only one taking this appropriately seriously, and that this dirty little ball of idiots is doomed, which means that I’m going to have to build my own escape craft in a futile attempt to escape a universe that wants nothing more than to murder me dead. And between all of the screaming and crying, when exactly am I going to find the time?