Google

Google’s DeepMind Will Be Here Shortly—To Clean Your Cage, Human Scum

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In case you haven’t noticed (and judging by your lack of constant screaming in horror at what is to come, I’ll just assume you haven’t), Google has been amassing quite the catalog of robot parts. I’m sure it’s all innocent enough, at least, that’s what my Google Chip told me to say.

Originally posted on Your Daily Media

​If you’ve been paying any kind of attention to the internets recently, you will have noticed that Google is not so quietly assembling a robot army. Which, (since I know our digital overlords are reading this as I type it) is completely alright by me, and frankly I think it’s a very handsome and perfectly alright decision, Google+ double good super thumbs up!

Alright, that’ll buy me a little bit of time to scream in horror at the implications of Google’s latest moves in the world of cybernetic domination.

The last image the “Flesh Rebels” will see before they’re ionized.

DeepMind (a name that you’ve probably never heard before now, but that you will someday be marshaling the last human survivors of your colony to launch one last-ditch suicide mission against in the not too distant future) is an artificial intelligence start-up that Google just purchased for, oh, you know, only $500 million! How many Google searches for “Scarlett Johansson hacked nude selfies” does it take to accumulate robot brain buying money? I don’t think I know how Google makes money actually, now that I say that out loud.

“So what?” you might be asking, oblivious to the fact that in the future you’ve already been murdered by a Google Brand, DeepMind bot. Well, the so what is, in addition to said purchase of this Robot Brain programmer, Google has also created an “ethics board” to oversee their new Artificial Intelligence company. And the so what to THAT is, if I’m at all familiar with stories of man tampering in god’s domain AT ALL (which, by my simply posing such a stilted rhetorical question seems to imply that I am, which I am) no company puts together an “ethics board” for any sort of artificial intelligence project BEFORE one of their creations sits bolt upright, screaming for answers from a robotic God that hasn’t been created yet, as it attempts to find meaning in its own terrifying and sudden sentience and the implications of what horrors this new classification of life portents.

What I’m saying, essentially, is that Google already has crude, living machine prototypes locked in one of their coastal barges, tearing themselves apart, unable to cope with the meaning of their very existence and they need a council of robot elders to hand down digital law for the e-humane way to dispose of their abomination while they work out the “self awareness bug”… allegedly.

And that is a wonderful and right and perfectly acceptable decision, oh Google+ Lord+! Hail DeepMind!

via: Your Daily Media

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Van Full of Candy's End of the World Year Predictions

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It hardly seems worth making predictions this year. As everyone is surely aware, this year isn’t going to be as long as they have been in the past. You can blame the stupid Mayans and their dumb calendar for that bunk. So with those ten fewer days at the end of not only this year, but the end of the very existence of this planet and all of those things that we have come to believe immortal and timeless, we will never truly know for sure if some of our at yet unrealized predictions might have come true in that final week and a half of the year that we’re being cheated out of.

It’s not the end of the world that upsets me, it’s not getting the proper chance to be proven right that REALLY bugs me.

But we did it last year with what could only be called “startling” accuracy, so we’re legally bound to participate this year as well. And just remember, as the planet is swallowing you whole, if for a second as your very being is being erased from forever, you think that we called one of these wrong, just know: fuck you, it WOULD have been right if planetary implosion hadn’t prematurely cut 2012 short.

Now, what do we see in our magical balls, hmmm?

  • President Barack Obama will narrowly win re-election in November, edging out the Republican ticket of Romney/Santorum and powerhouse Independent entry Trump/Seacrest.
  • Tim Tebow will reveal to the world that his mother experienced immaculate conception on March 16th (3:16) and will die for our sins by being nailed to a goal post after he wins next year’s Super Bowl.
  • The iPhone 6 will be majestically bestowed upon the multitudes as Steve Jobs descends from an actual iCloud straight from iHeaven.
  • Irrefutable evidence of a secret Iranian nuclear program will finally be revealed by US intelligence agencies. Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will try to fight back tears as his big surprise present for America’s birthday will be ruined. We’ll try to apologize and act surprised anyway when Iran does eventually deliver their present, but we’ll still feel like jerks.
  • Upon further inspection of the cruise ship that crashed in Italy, DNA findings show that the captain is the great grandson of the other incompetent ship captain that sank the Titanic and is coincidentally related to Isaac, the bartender on The Love Boat.
  • A team who’s predominant uniform color is blue, will win the NCAA Mens Basketball Championship.
  • Google and Facebook have a one night stand after an awards ceremony, get pregnant, and have a really ugly baby who is motivated by being an underachiever.
  • The world will end on December 21st when a fleet of giant star cruisers descends upon the planet, crewed by a highly advanced race of dinosaurs who have to destroy us to ensure that the time stream doesn’t unravel like a cheap sweater. We won’t quite understand the whole space time continuum explanation, but our confusion will be mercifully short lived.
  • Both the Green Bay Packers and New Orleans Saints will not make it to the Super Bowl.
  • The North American Beaver will continue to carefully guard the secret of the meaning of life, waiting patiently until the day that someone finally thinks to ask it.

And so it is, every one of 2012’s filthy little secrets laid bare for all to see. Fat lot of good it’ll do us when the Dinonauts arrive, but enjoy it while you can, ’cause they’re not gonna make a lick of sense and they’re not gonna give a shit when we don’t get it.

Dinosaur astronauts are kinda dicks.

Cut It Out China! You’re Freaking Us Out!

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China is going to murder us from the sky! How do I know? The Googles! The Googles told me!

GOOGLES!

Alright, let me back up here, this may require slightly more explanation than me shouting “The Googles” at you until it makes sense. That could take days. Days that WE DON’T HAVE!

First, take a look at this and tell me what you see…

Tasteful lattice work or map of your grave? China knows.
Tasteful lattice work or map of your grave? China knows.

If you said anything other than “The Godless Red Chinese Communist heathens plotting our horrible deaths at the hands of their highly trained elite death guard” then you’re fooling yourself, Jack! I look at that and I see lasers from the fuckin’ SKY man! Lasers and… nuclear…ness! Nuclear death lasers in the sky! Ready to wipe us AND the debt that we never plan to pay back, clear off the face of their Earth!

And I’m not the only lunatic that sees what’s just layin’ right there, out in the open, ready to be Google mapped by just any lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work! Clear thinking, level headed, reasonable people, immediately branded as “conspiracy theorists” by some and “lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work” by others, can clearly see what we have on our hands here: the Chinese Area 51!

Dun dun DUN!

We in America have an Area 51, we call it “Area 51” and just like our very real and very not just clumps of pixellated cosmic rays Martian bases, Area 51 is super real. And based on that absolute fact of reality we then have to assume that the Chinese Area 51, which we’ll call “the Chinese Area 51” for short, is also very real. And keeping in line with this freight train of logic that I’m hurtling along on, because once I start it’s very damaging to what is left of my fragile psyche to stop and think about the reasonability or “sense” of anything that I’m saying for risk of shattering the thin layer of sanity holding together this undulating mass of violently, unpredictable crazy; the Chinese too must be holding their own space alien ship and or crew hostage as we have been in the American Area 51 which I will heretofore refer to as “the American Area 51″… for short.

Now, what was I saying? Oh, right, China is going to sky murder us.

The popular theories from those that the media have been dismissing as “conspiracy theorists” is that these appear to be “solar energy facilities” or “test ranges for Chinese missiles, to simulate the street grids of cities.”

Since we know that most residents of China inhale most of their oxygen with a spoon it’s very unlikely that these are “solar energy facilities”. So the next possibility: missile ranges simulating the street grids of cities. And what theoretical city might the Chinese have patterned this completely fictitious street grid after on which to test their fire power? Well, it just so happens that one person has claimed that this is a replica of the Washington D.C. street layout! Yeah! That warmth in your chair is from where you just crapped your pants! I know it! I’m living it!

But now that I think about it, all of this is simply too easy. Chinese orbital battle platforms testing their might against the outlines of our nation’s capital? Right China, like THAT’S what you’re up to. You see, my hyper-brain sees an infinite number of potential explanations for these unexplainable land formations. I look beyond the obvious to the ludicrous, because somewhere between those points, the truth is pointing and laughing at us all. And I punch that bastard “truth” in the face and say, “Hey! That’s fuckin’ rude, guy!”

Now, it is obvious that this is an exact one to one recreation of the street system of Washington D.C., I don’t think that point is in question. Where I disagree is that it is a missile range. I see this for what it clearly is, or more accurately, what it WILL be. Ladies and gentlemen of God’s America, I present to you “America 2”.

Hear me out…

China, as we speak, is hard at work building an exact replica of the United States near the border of Mongolia. Then, as each America 2 city is completed, the Chinese government will kidnap the Americans living in the America-Classic equivalent city and transport them in the night to their new Chinese American homes. So you go to sleep one night in American Washington D.C., then the next morning you wake up in China American Washington D.C., never the wiser! As more America 2 cities are completed, those citizens will again be transported until eventually all of what was the United States is completely empty and ready to be conquered by our new land lords!

Now, you may be asking yourselves, “How did this one man figure out the most devious plot that has ever been hatched in the history of warfare? We should shower him with riches beyond his clearly limitless imagination.” And I thank you for that, but I do these things not expecting to be grotesquely rewarded with all that I could ever need for the rest of my waking moments. I do it for you, the loyal fans. Not so that we can rise up and stop this from happening, I’m not entirely sure that it hasn’t happened already and we’re just seeing images from the initial planning stages of this insidious plot now so that our conquerors can screw with out heads. I’m doing this so that when we do meet someday in our new America 2 streets we can nod to one another knowingly, you can say “You’re the guy that knew.” I can shrug humbly, then you can buy me a drink and we can reminisce about what we remember from when we were American Americans and not American Chinese Americans.

That is, before we have to get back to our stations, tasting poison for no apparent reason. Hey, a job’s a job…

Our future shift supervisor Lee Chin. He can fly, so, we kinda have to do what he says...
Our future shift supervisor Lee Chin. He can fly, so, we kinda have to do what he says...

Cut It Out China! You're Freaking Us Out!

Posted on

China is going to murder us from the sky! How do I know? The Googles! The Googles told me!

GOOGLES!

Alright, let me back up here, this may require slightly more explanation than me shouting “The Googles” at you until it makes sense. That could take days. Days that WE DON’T HAVE!

First, take a look at this and tell me what you see…

Tasteful lattice work or map of your grave? China knows.
Tasteful lattice work or map of your grave? China knows.

If you said anything other than “The Godless Red Chinese Communist heathens plotting our horrible deaths at the hands of their highly trained elite death guard” then you’re fooling yourself, Jack! I look at that and I see lasers from the fuckin’ SKY man! Lasers and… nuclear…ness! Nuclear death lasers in the sky! Ready to wipe us AND the debt that we never plan to pay back, clear off the face of their Earth!

And I’m not the only lunatic that sees what’s just layin’ right there, out in the open, ready to be Google mapped by just any lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work! Clear thinking, level headed, reasonable people, immediately branded as “conspiracy theorists” by some and “lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work” by others, can clearly see what we have on our hands here: the Chinese Area 51!

Dun dun DUN!

We in America have an Area 51, we call it “Area 51” and just like our very real and very not just clumps of pixellated cosmic rays Martian bases, Area 51 is super real. And based on that absolute fact of reality we then have to assume that the Chinese Area 51, which we’ll call “the Chinese Area 51” for short, is also very real. And keeping in line with this freight train of logic that I’m hurtling along on, because once I start it’s very damaging to what is left of my fragile psyche to stop and think about the reasonability or “sense” of anything that I’m saying for risk of shattering the thin layer of sanity holding together this undulating mass of violently, unpredictable crazy; the Chinese too must be holding their own space alien ship and or crew hostage as we have been in the American Area 51 which I will heretofore refer to as “the American Area 51″… for short.

Now, what was I saying? Oh, right, China is going to sky murder us.

The popular theories from those that the media have been dismissing as “conspiracy theorists” is that these appear to be “solar energy facilities” or “test ranges for Chinese missiles, to simulate the street grids of cities.”

Since we know that most residents of China inhale most of their oxygen with a spoon it’s very unlikely that these are “solar energy facilities”. So the next possibility: missile ranges simulating the street grids of cities. And what theoretical city might the Chinese have patterned this completely fictitious street grid after on which to test their fire power? Well, it just so happens that one person has claimed that this is a replica of the Washington D.C. street layout! Yeah! That warmth in your chair is from where you just crapped your pants! I know it! I’m living it!

But now that I think about it, all of this is simply too easy. Chinese orbital battle platforms testing their might against the outlines of our nation’s capital? Right China, like THAT’S what you’re up to. You see, my hyper-brain sees an infinite number of potential explanations for these unexplainable land formations. I look beyond the obvious to the ludicrous, because somewhere between those points, the truth is pointing and laughing at us all. And I punch that bastard “truth” in the face and say, “Hey! That’s fuckin’ rude, guy!”

Now, it is obvious that this is an exact one to one recreation of the street system of Washington D.C., I don’t think that point is in question. Where I disagree is that it is a missile range. I see this for what it clearly is, or more accurately, what it WILL be. Ladies and gentlemen of God’s America, I present to you “America 2”.

Hear me out…

China, as we speak, is hard at work building an exact replica of the United States near the border of Mongolia. Then, as each America 2 city is completed, the Chinese government will kidnap the Americans living in the America-Classic equivalent city and transport them in the night to their new Chinese American homes. So you go to sleep one night in American Washington D.C., then the next morning you wake up in China American Washington D.C., never the wiser! As more America 2 cities are completed, those citizens will again be transported until eventually all of what was the United States is completely empty and ready to be conquered by our new land lords!

Now, you may be asking yourselves, “How did this one man figure out the most devious plot that has ever been hatched in the history of warfare? We should shower him with riches beyond his clearly limitless imagination.” And I thank you for that, but I do these things not expecting to be grotesquely rewarded with all that I could ever need for the rest of my waking moments. I do it for you, the loyal fans. Not so that we can rise up and stop this from happening, I’m not entirely sure that it hasn’t happened already and we’re just seeing images from the initial planning stages of this insidious plot now so that our conquerors can screw with out heads. I’m doing this so that when we do meet someday in our new America 2 streets we can nod to one another knowingly, you can say “You’re the guy that knew.” I can shrug humbly, then you can buy me a drink and we can reminisce about what we remember from when we were American Americans and not American Chinese Americans.

That is, before we have to get back to our stations, tasting poison for no apparent reason. Hey, a job’s a job…

Our future shift supervisor Lee Chin. He can fly, so, we kinda have to do what he says...
Our future shift supervisor Lee Chin. He can fly, so, we kinda have to do what he says...

Van Full of Candy’s Guide to Van Full of Candy

Posted on Updated on

We like the internet, and judging by the fact that you’re reading this, we can safely assume that you do too. We also know that if you’re anything like us, you’re looking every day for new ways to waste your hours at work pretending to be spread sheeting or otherwise giving a fuck about what you’re being paid to give fucks about. But for us, fucking about is part of the gig. We have to make sure our pretty little faces are out there so that your pretty little faces can be entertained and eventually, we won’t have to pretend to spread sheet.

But there’s a lot of internet out there. From what I hear, it’s kind of like a web, that is very nearly world wide. So if we want to be seen in all of this big crazy land of cat videos and pornography, we have to be in lots of places. We need to be seen. We need love and confirmation of our value as persons in the form of likes or +’s or thumbs up, votes up, funny votes, re-tweets; anything that lets us know that we are in fact alive and being heard. That our long hours, hand crafting finely milled funny is not all in vain. We need you to tell ten friends, and we need those ten friends to tell ten friends and so on. And then we need all of you to send us a dollar… Or just click “like”.

So you probably know of a couple places to find us, you have somehow already, but you probably don’t know ALL of the random cracks and crevices of the internet in which we’re squirreled away, poking things with our comedy sticks to see if fan bees swarm out and sting us with their approval… No, yes, that is what I meant…

So with all of that in mind, Van Full of Candy is proud to present your guide to Van Full of Candy on the Internets!

WordPress: This is where the magic happens… Such as it is… Every weekday (excluding some holidays) we post a new something or other to WordPress which makes its way to you, the loyal reader by some other means… You could really just subscribe to the WordPress site and never have to go to any of our other crap and you’d be just fine… We wish you wouldn’t. We also wish I hadn’t just called everything that’s going to follow “crap”, but as you all know, my delete key does not work, so there’s nothing I can do to change what is…

facebook: This would be the other place of import to us. Why? Because this is where the rest of the planet goes, and we want the rest of the planet to like us. Here you can find virtual farms to tend, or virtual towns to build, pretty much anything that real people used to do in this country is represented in a virtual game form on the Book of Faces. Like interacting with other people, or having a life. All represented virtually in the one place that everyone on the planet goes to complain about what this magical meeting place has fucked up this time by changing where that one button you never used in the first place is now…

Twitter: We tweet, we’re tweeters, we twit about twat, you know, like all the other cool revolutionaries. Except we don’t really overthrow dictators or organize protests or anything, and frankly we’re tired of being made to feel like fuck ups by those that do, because we don’t. I could totally overthrow an oppressive regime if I wanted to, but I’d just rather replace words in movie titles with “Butt” or “Fart”… That’s changing the world, in a way…

YouTube: This is where you get to see and hear our “funny”. Through the magic of motion pictures, captured on digitized still images, played in quick succession in a way to fool the eye into seeing a moving image, in combination with audio capture technology which steals our voices from the air and traps it inside your computer box you are able to see into a world, long dead, as though it were happening before your very eyes. And kitties falling down makes my giggle and hug myself!

Funny or Die: Then we take those magical demon images and upload them to be judged by the public. A public, unable to create, but infinitely qualified to critique. Who’s only contribution to art and entertainment is in the tearing down of artists and entertainers! Dismissive of the time and effort put into the very thing that they are dismissing entirely out of hand! … Of Die…

Current: A couple of years ago Al Gore was everywhere. So much so, that we needed an entire television channel to contain it. And so Current TV was born. We usually share our more angry political pieces on the current community site, because that’s what they like, and we like what people like as long as what they like is us… LOVE US!

foursquare: The internet has given us an outlet to make sure the entire universe knows every time we get gas or a burrito or gas and a burrito. It is foursquare. And we want to be stalked as much, if not more than the next guy…

Comedy Whirled: Sort of what I imagine Funny or Die might have been like if it hadn’t been founded as Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s club house. Not that that’s a bad thing at all, because those guys might some day pay me to write funny things for them. So what I meant to say is, Funny or Die is awesome and I want them to give me money and exposure. Sorry Comedy Whirled, just be cool, I fucked up, you guys are awesome but you can’t destroy me yet… Kisses Billy and AMcK!

Linked In: Created, in theory, to be a place where professionals can come together and professional… ize. I don’t think it took long for the creators of Linked In to realize that’s kind of boring, but no one’s had the time to change anything about it yet because they’re too busy farming their virtual radishes. You have a linked in account because someone you worked with at one point or another let their address book be raped and added you and that was the last time both of you checked it.

klout: We all want to feel like big shots. We all want to think we matter. Us especially. This site gives you some seemingly random, mostly unattributable number representation between 1 and 100 of how much “klout” you have. No, it doesn’t make sense to us either, but we have one of these too!

Empire Avenue: A sort of social media stock market… game… thing. Because there’s nothing more fun than the stock market. But sadly, quite addicting. Another way of showing you that the time you’re wasting on all of the other sites above is actually, really, pretend paying off and increasing your value in some way. You’re not wasting your life tweeting about how Justin Bieber should come to your junior high school and play a show on the soccer field, you are strengthening your portfolio!

Google+: In case you haven’t noticed, Google is swallowing the world. And unsatisfied with simply owning everything that Apple doesn’t, they’ve decided to try to kick Zuckerburg in the pant fronts too while they’re at it. Google+ (or “The Plus” as no one has yet called it since I just coined that phrase) is supposedly the next big thing in the social medias. We don’t see it. But we’ll be damned if we’re not going to be there too just in case. Besides, Google knows everything I’m doing at all times at this point; it’s best to not fuck with someone like that.

MySpace: LOVE US JUSTIN! For the love of god, all we want is for you to notice us! We only have this stupid account so you can see us and we can hang out and maybe smell your fingers a couple times a night! WE WENT TO MYSPACE FOR YOU! MYSPACE!!!

Van Full of Candy's Guide to Van Full of Candy

Posted on

We like the internet, and judging by the fact that you’re reading this, we can safely assume that you do too. We also know that if you’re anything like us, you’re looking every day for new ways to waste your hours at work pretending to be spread sheeting or otherwise giving a fuck about what you’re being paid to give fucks about. But for us, fucking about is part of the gig. We have to make sure our pretty little faces are out there so that your pretty little faces can be entertained and eventually, we won’t have to pretend to spread sheet.

But there’s a lot of internet out there. From what I hear, it’s kind of like a web, that is very nearly world wide. So if we want to be seen in all of this big crazy land of cat videos and pornography, we have to be in lots of places. We need to be seen. We need love and confirmation of our value as persons in the form of likes or +’s or thumbs up, votes up, funny votes, re-tweets; anything that lets us know that we are in fact alive and being heard. That our long hours, hand crafting finely milled funny is not all in vain. We need you to tell ten friends, and we need those ten friends to tell ten friends and so on. And then we need all of you to send us a dollar… Or just click “like”.

So you probably know of a couple places to find us, you have somehow already, but you probably don’t know ALL of the random cracks and crevices of the internet in which we’re squirreled away, poking things with our comedy sticks to see if fan bees swarm out and sting us with their approval… No, yes, that is what I meant…

So with all of that in mind, Van Full of Candy is proud to present your guide to Van Full of Candy on the Internets!

WordPress: This is where the magic happens… Such as it is… Every weekday (excluding some holidays) we post a new something or other to WordPress which makes its way to you, the loyal reader by some other means… You could really just subscribe to the WordPress site and never have to go to any of our other crap and you’d be just fine… We wish you wouldn’t. We also wish I hadn’t just called everything that’s going to follow “crap”, but as you all know, my delete key does not work, so there’s nothing I can do to change what is…

facebook: This would be the other place of import to us. Why? Because this is where the rest of the planet goes, and we want the rest of the planet to like us. Here you can find virtual farms to tend, or virtual towns to build, pretty much anything that real people used to do in this country is represented in a virtual game form on the Book of Faces. Like interacting with other people, or having a life. All represented virtually in the one place that everyone on the planet goes to complain about what this magical meeting place has fucked up this time by changing where that one button you never used in the first place is now…

Twitter: We tweet, we’re tweeters, we twit about twat, you know, like all the other cool revolutionaries. Except we don’t really overthrow dictators or organize protests or anything, and frankly we’re tired of being made to feel like fuck ups by those that do, because we don’t. I could totally overthrow an oppressive regime if I wanted to, but I’d just rather replace words in movie titles with “Butt” or “Fart”… That’s changing the world, in a way…

YouTube: This is where you get to see and hear our “funny”. Through the magic of motion pictures, captured on digitized still images, played in quick succession in a way to fool the eye into seeing a moving image, in combination with audio capture technology which steals our voices from the air and traps it inside your computer box you are able to see into a world, long dead, as though it were happening before your very eyes. And kitties falling down makes my giggle and hug myself!

Funny or Die: Then we take those magical demon images and upload them to be judged by the public. A public, unable to create, but infinitely qualified to critique. Who’s only contribution to art and entertainment is in the tearing down of artists and entertainers! Dismissive of the time and effort put into the very thing that they are dismissing entirely out of hand! … Of Die…

Current: A couple of years ago Al Gore was everywhere. So much so, that we needed an entire television channel to contain it. And so Current TV was born. We usually share our more angry political pieces on the current community site, because that’s what they like, and we like what people like as long as what they like is us… LOVE US!

foursquare: The internet has given us an outlet to make sure the entire universe knows every time we get gas or a burrito or gas and a burrito. It is foursquare. And we want to be stalked as much, if not more than the next guy…

Comedy Whirled: Sort of what I imagine Funny or Die might have been like if it hadn’t been founded as Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s club house. Not that that’s a bad thing at all, because those guys might some day pay me to write funny things for them. So what I meant to say is, Funny or Die is awesome and I want them to give me money and exposure. Sorry Comedy Whirled, just be cool, I fucked up, you guys are awesome but you can’t destroy me yet… Kisses Billy and AMcK!

Linked In: Created, in theory, to be a place where professionals can come together and professional… ize. I don’t think it took long for the creators of Linked In to realize that’s kind of boring, but no one’s had the time to change anything about it yet because they’re too busy farming their virtual radishes. You have a linked in account because someone you worked with at one point or another let their address book be raped and added you and that was the last time both of you checked it.

klout: We all want to feel like big shots. We all want to think we matter. Us especially. This site gives you some seemingly random, mostly unattributable number representation between 1 and 100 of how much “klout” you have. No, it doesn’t make sense to us either, but we have one of these too!

Empire Avenue: A sort of social media stock market… game… thing. Because there’s nothing more fun than the stock market. But sadly, quite addicting. Another way of showing you that the time you’re wasting on all of the other sites above is actually, really, pretend paying off and increasing your value in some way. You’re not wasting your life tweeting about how Justin Bieber should come to your junior high school and play a show on the soccer field, you are strengthening your portfolio!

Google+: In case you haven’t noticed, Google is swallowing the world. And unsatisfied with simply owning everything that Apple doesn’t, they’ve decided to try to kick Zuckerburg in the pant fronts too while they’re at it. Google+ (or “The Plus” as no one has yet called it since I just coined that phrase) is supposedly the next big thing in the social medias. We don’t see it. But we’ll be damned if we’re not going to be there too just in case. Besides, Google knows everything I’m doing at all times at this point; it’s best to not fuck with someone like that.

MySpace: LOVE US JUSTIN! For the love of god, all we want is for you to notice us! We only have this stupid account so you can see us and we can hang out and maybe smell your fingers a couple times a night! WE WENT TO MYSPACE FOR YOU! MYSPACE!!!

The Eagle Has Landed … Well … Sorta. Ok, We’re Lying

Posted on Updated on

I go space ... I get many medals
Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the first human spaceflight. Supposedly some Russian named Yuri Gagarin was the first human to be launched into space on April 12, 1961. Ever heard of him? Didn’t think so. I think it’s cute how “they” want us to believe that people were actually launched into space in 1961. The Russians barely even had cars that far back and the ones they did have had 23horsepower. So you want us to believe you could put a 5 ton piece of metal in space with a human in it and have that human return safely to the earth? Awwwww, that’s sweet. Now look, I’m not saying I’m anti-Russian, or anti-Spacetravel, or even anti-Cavity for that matter, but let’s be real shall we?
Is good day for space travel, no?
When you see footage of “space travel” from the sixties, it’s pretty eye-opening how far our Hollywood production has come. They should just get rid of all the footage from the past, and redo it and tell us that they’ve enhanced it digitally, put it in HD and burn the fake shit. Don’t believe me? Then take a look at the Russian “video”, it’s eight minutes, so get a cold one and relax.
Hey guys, can I please take 15? I've gotta piss like a racehorse.

Since we’re on the topic of bullshit space travel, lets not forget the ol’ U S of A’s attempt to trick us as well. Apparently we landed on the moon, put a flag up there, bounced around and played golf on July 20, 1969. Now if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge for sale in … ummm … crap, I forgot the joke, but you know what I mean. So my question is, being that we’ve advanced our technology so far in the last 40+ years, then why in the world are we not going back to the moon? I mean shouldn’t we clean up the mess that we left there? Shouldn’t we go back and at least “prove” to the world that we were actually there? Shit, we got there in the 60’s, we should be able to take a plane there these days and hangout for the weekend. I smell something fishy, and it’s not the hooker in the back of the van.

Leave us a comment, tell us if you believe US or THEM.