Justin Bieber

Welcome To (Alleged) Fatherhood Justin

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MAZELTOV!

AND Sandy with Keanu?! Well now I've heard everything!
AND Sandy with Keanu?! Well now I've heard everything!

Oh Justin, we’re so very, very (allegedly) happy for you! I’m sorry this is a couple months late, but to be fair, you’re just finding out about it yourself now aren’t you? Wow, who’d a thunk it? Our little Justin Bieber already a daddy. Seems like just yesterday you were also still a child one day younger than you are today… Circles and something about Spring and… sun rise, or something, I think…

Anyway, lazy metaphorical imagery aside, I can’t believe our little Biebs has already grown up. Well, when you think about it, I guess it’s not too surprising to hear that you’re already (allegedly) littering your southern neighbor, these fantasmical United States of the Americas, with Bieber Brood in every town you pass through. I mean, honestly, every night thousands of recently egg producing fans scream at the top of their lungs for your not yet legal loins; does the world honestly expect you not to have a field day with that endless salad and bread sticks of vadge? You are an international pop star, it is fully understood by everyone who purchases a ticket and every parent who sends their lady child to a mega star’s concert venue that by doing so they forfeit their right to not be penetrated by said super star. Why do you think I keep an extra pair of undies tucked into my sock every time I go anywhere that live music could potentially be over heard? Well that’s one of the reasons!

I guess really the only surprise is that we haven’t heard of all of the rest of them yet. But give it ten years or so when American public schools (if such things exists in a decade) are flooded with foreheadless cherubic adolescent song birds, being scooped up in the night by stealth Disney Channel extraction teams. There won’t be enough back streets or numbers of degrees with which to catalog the limitless Boy Banditry!

I do have some sympathy for how your wonderful, life changing, special news has been delivered though Justin. I mean, no body wants the beloved (alleged) mother of their child to tell the entire damned world in a court filing, under the penalty of perjury, that the conception of your child with your fellow procreationist, which also just so happened to be your (alleged) virginal deflorination, had all the romance of a halftime leak and the longevity of the Final Jeopardy theme music. No man wants seven billion human souls to know that the (alleged) half minute grunt and squirt that culminated in your be-fathering was very likely punctuated by the flushing of a nearby urinal by a confused, groggy concert goer.

Now, if I may, I would like to speak directly to the (alleged) mother of your child, Mariah Yeater, for just a moment Justin, if I may. Mariah, Justin is a very special boy to us. We’ve been chronicling Justin Bieber’s crazy year since there’s been a Van Full of Candy. Please, don’t make us have to get our heaviest hair brush and learn you some shit! Don’t you DARE break our Justy Just’s heart! What you got after that show in Los Angeles isn’t just a souvenir! It’s (allegedly) Justin’s first born! The first in line to the Bieber throne! Naturally you will have all of the protection of the “Secret Beliebers” at your back. You will never know we are there, but we will keep you and the child god safe until it is time for its ascension.

Remember, no shaking. Just keep repeating it to yourself, it helps.
Remember, no shaking. Just keep repeating it to yourself, it helps.

Oh the joys you have ahead of you Justin. Parenthood, as I understand it, is a wonderful thing, filled with years of not resenting the unwanted child for its role in robbing you of your youth and your dreams, constant open communication filled with loving respectful conversations about love and respect with never a single moment of feeling taken for granted. There’s also never any nagging thoughts of disappointment in your off spring for the horrible choices they’ve made or fear that your poor parenting might have destroyed the inherent potential of this new life, hamstringing it from birth with your own poorly sculpted psyche, (molded by your own parents’ clumsy, inept guidance) closing doors for it before they ever knew they were ever open at all…

Just remember Justin, every child’s a miracle. And just because this one was (allegedly) conceived in a 30 second tryst in a Staples Center bathroom after a show, doesn’t make it any less so.

Celebrity News: So Crazy, it’s True

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Celebrities, they’re who we pretend we’re having sex with when we’re just giving it to the ol’ lady because it feels like it’s probably about time that we should. Celebrities live lives that are too ridiculous to be believed most of the time, flying around the world and being interviewed about the latest thing they were filmed pretending to be, like a soldier, or a talking car, or a talking car soldier. They’re just more interesting than regular people, automatically. But some times real life celebrity stories are almost too stupid to be believed. So we at Van Full of Candy present you with this quick little exercise “Celebrity News: Yuh-huh or Nu-uh”. Can you guess which stories are too good to be true and which are just dumb enough to be real? Come along with us and put your celebrity nonsensiscope to the test!
DON'T HURT MY JUSTY-JUST, MR. PEANUT!
DON'T HURT MY JUSTY-JUST, MR. PEANUT!

Justin Bieber Rushed to Hospital for Violent Peanut Alergy

Teen, tween and twinfant heart throb Justin Bieber was whisked away to Atlanta Methodist Hospital late last night when he inadvertantly ingested a candy coated cashew that had been mistakenly sprinkled on the frozen yogurt treat that he customarily shares with an adoring fan during his tender ballad “Baby”.
NU-UH: As far as I know Justin Bieber is impervious to pain. There’s no evidence that I know of that he is not in fact an immortal who’s actually been here since the dawn of history, only now finally making himself known to the world. I can’t say any of those things are true or false, but I do know he wasn’t rushed to the hospital because of legume aversion… And he probably doesn’t call a squealing fan up on stage to share a delicious cup of Fro-yo mid concert… But he should…
Imagine my elbow in your stupid nostril!
Imagine my elbow in your stupid nostril!

James Franco Makes Invisible Art/Sells it for Real Money

When he’s not pursuing a multitude of college degrees, acting in soap operas and major stoner themed motion pictures, guest professoring, being a rock star or modeling on the side, you know, to make ends meet, James Franco is hard at work selling sculptures that he hasn’t sculpted and movies that he hasn’t movied.

YUH-HUH: Absolutely fucking true. Not only that, but apparently Johnny Renaissance has helped this pretentious institution well beyond merely contributing the “film” “Red Leaves” (valued at $25) but also a costume from the film, that I should remind you, doesn’t exist (valued at $50) and a sculpture (which exists just as not as the rest of the previously numerated items but is still somehow valued at a non-imaginary $100), but also helping open MONA, the “Museum of Non-Visible Art”. If he wasn’t violently punchable before, now the fact that he’s selling people imagination just makes we want to pummel his squinty face until his head becomes a found object to be used in another imaginary piece of art.

Oh, it's real alright

Kim Kardashian Gets Her Butt X-Ray’d

Khloe Kardashian posts on her blog, “Hey dolls. The PROOF is in the X-ray. Kim’s ass is 100% real!!!”. Kim Kardashian, trying to disprove the theories that her larger than life ass is real, got it X-ray’d to prove that it has no implants in it whatsoever.
YUH-HUH: This story has got to be one of the biggest wastes of medical resources available. If you have to “prove” that your ass is real, then there’s something wrong with white people everywhere, because I can tell you that there is not a single African American male in this world that would ever ask that question to her. And who cares if it’s fake, look at that damn thing, I just wanna snuggle up in it like a bean bag and watch The Neverending Story with a bowl of popcorn.
We f'ing just pulled off the best stunt ever

Jackass Tricks You Again – Ryan Dunn Is Alive

In one of the biggest publicity stunts ever, Ryan Dunn, Bam Magera and Johnny Knoxville of JackAss come clean that the death of Ryan Dunn was the biggest and best prank that they have ever pulled off. Dunn said about the stunt, “the hardest part of this whole thing wasn’t making people believe I was dead, but it was actually crashing my badass Porsche, oh well, it was worth it cause we got ya’ll good this time”. Reports that the local police and fire-department were also in on the prank made it that much more credible.
NU-UH: Sorry kids, this story is not real, well at least it isn’t real yet. See the problem is, we really don’t know if he’s dead or alive, just like we don’t know most of the shit that is spewed to us through the media box that tells us how to live. We don’t know if these guys pulled a sweet-ass prank on the world, or if he really died since they are the boys-who-cry-wolf of a spectacular fashion. If it is true and Ryan Dunn has passed away, then that sucks, but if he’s alive, then that sucks too because: 1. They got us, and: 2. We didn’ t learn that drinking and driving expensive cars at excessive speeds is dangerous, but that it’s a cool way to stunt for publicity.

Celebrity News: So Crazy, it's True

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DON'T HURT MY JUSTY-JUST, MR. PEANUT!
DON’T HURT MY JUSTY-JUST, MR. PEANUT!

Justin Bieber Rushed to Hospital for Violent Peanut Alergy

Imagine my elbow in your stupid nostril!

James Franco Makes Invisible Art/Sells it for Real Money

When he’s not pursuing a multitude of college degrees, acting in soap operas and major stoner themed motion pictures, guest professoring, being a rock star or modeling on the side, you know, to make ends meet, James Franco is hard at work selling sculptures that he hasn’t sculpted and movies that he hasn’t movied.

YUH-HUH: Absolutely fucking true. Not only that, but apparently Johnny Renaissance has helped this pretentious institution well beyond merely contributing the “film” “Red Leaves” (valued at $25) but also a costume from the film, that I should remind you, doesn’t exist (valued at $50) and a sculpture (which exists just as not as the rest of the previously numerated items but is still somehow valued at a non-imaginary $100), but also helping open MONA, the “Museum of Non-Visible Art”. If he wasn’t violently punchable before, now the fact that he’s selling people imagination just makes we want to pummel his squinty face until his head becomes a found object to be used in another imaginary piece of art.

Oh, it’s real alright

Kim Kardashian Gets Her Butt X-Ray’d

Khloe Kardashian posts on her blog, “Hey dolls. The PROOF is in the X-ray. Kim’s ass is 100% real!!!”. Kim Kardashian, trying to disprove the theories that her larger than life ass is real, got it X-ray’d to prove that it has no implants in it whatsoever.
YUH-HUH: This story has got to be one of the biggest wastes of medical resources available. If you have to “prove” that your ass is real, then there’s something wrong with white people everywhere, because I can tell you that there is not a single African American male in this world that would ever ask that question to her. And who cares if it’s fake, look at that damn thing, I just wanna snuggle up in it like a bean bag and watch The Neverending Story with a bowl of popcorn.
We f’ing just pulled off the best stunt ever

Jackass Tricks You Again – Ryan Dunn Is Alive

In one of the biggest publicity stunts ever, Ryan Dunn, Bam Magera and Johnny Knoxville of JackAss come clean that the death of Ryan Dunn was the biggest and best prank that they have ever pulled off. Dunn said about the stunt, “the hardest part of this whole thing wasn’t making people believe I was dead, but it was actually crashing my badass Porsche, oh well, it was worth it cause we got ya’ll good this time”. Reports that the local police and fire-department were also in on the prank made it that much more credible.
NU-UH: Sorry kids, this story is not real, well at least it isn’t real yet. See the problem is, we really don’t know if he’s dead or alive, just like we don’t know most of the shit that is spewed to us through the media box that tells us how to live. We don’t know if these guys pulled a sweet-ass prank on the world, or if he really died since they are the boys-who-cry-wolf of a spectacular fashion. If it is true and Ryan Dunn has passed away, then that sucks, but if he’s alive, then that sucks too because: 1. They got us, and: 2. We didn’ t learn that drinking and driving expensive cars at excessive speeds is dangerous, but that it’s a cool way to stunt for publicity.

The Things We Do For Love

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Love. It’ll make you do crazy things. Like, spell out your crush’s name in alphabet soup and text them a picture of it. Maybe hide little love notes in the Sunday classifieds. Or, if you’re really in love, cut off your beloved’s head in front of a school full of people fully not intending to be covered in neck juices today.

I read a lot of headlines when trying to come up with what I’m going to write about in a given day. Here at Van Full of Candy we do an article a day, rain or shine, every week day, without fail. That’s our promise, to you, the viewer. Sometimes the news is boring and it’s difficult to choose what to write about. I personally can only scream about my distrust of space and my legally frowned upon love of Justin Bieber so many times before I start attracting unwanted attention from swarthy, beautiful, Bieber Saucers from beyond the stars. And not again I say.

But scanning the news this afternoon I came upon this story: apparently a man in India beheaded a woman as she was leaving her classroom Wednesday.

"I am GOD here, my cud is final!"
"I am GOD here, my cud is final!"

Now, before we get into this, let me just say that I am in no way making light of the loss of life here. This is a horrible thing, without question and this lunatic should be dealt with in the most severe way that Indian courts allow. Which I assume is to feed him to a cow, if I understand my Indian culture correctly, which I almost certainly do not. Now with that out of the way, let me get back to the hahas.

The headline calls this man “lovesick”, which I can only assume is the nicest possible way the AP copy editor can phrase “batshit insane”. Apparently his main, discernible motivation, according to the police was that he so loved this woman that he had by now brutally murdered in one of the most violent and deliberate ways which one can murder another individual, but her parents would not allow them to marry. So naturally, he had to Highlander her. I don’t think you can in good conscience call a guy who bisects his love interest’s head from their body “lovesick” unless while in prison he is clinically diagnosed with a love sickness which causes the infected individual to believe that the removal of vital segments of the human body is the ultimate expression of emotional love for another not long living individual. So how about we not cutesy it up, ay Associated Press?

When flowers just won't do, say "I love you" with a Khykri.
When flowers just won't do, say "I love you" with a Khykri.

Elsewhere in the brief article the “writer” goes on to say that the swordsman was arrested “on suspicion” of killing the victim and that he “allegedly” attacked her with a ceremonial curved weapon called a khykri. Now, I understand that in America we have to use certain words when describing the actions and perpetrator of said actions because of how our news media and justice system like to fuck with each other. But when you have a gentleman, holding a sword, next to a body with a now detached head that, in all likely hood, did not have that as a standard feature moments before, surrounded by blood soaked students, holding onto this lunatic until police could arrive, and who is now explaining to the police that he had ALSO intended to kill himself, I think it’s fairly safe to drop any sort of lingering suspicion as to whether or not he’s responsible for the untimely weight loss of the student at our feet.

But along with these questions I have of the lax hiring practices at the Associated Press, when I read something like this, I can’t help but have dozens of other, admittedly sort of morbid, but still I think valid questions, come to mind. How, for instance, this guy was just able to waltz onto this campus, what ever size it was, with a ceremonial knife and slicin’ on his mind. I realize this isn’t metal detector high school like we have here in America, but still, a guy with a special blade should draw some kind of attention. Or how this guy running around the halls with a commemorative sword was able to walk right up to this woman and just take her head for a ride BEFORE anyone thought it might be a good idea to make sure she was expecting a meeting between her throat and his simitar. OR, and this is the biggie, as the story simply says “Authorities say the blade sliced her head off and she died instantly” how the fuck the particulars of this case exactly went down. When I think beheading I think of a long drawn out process involving a sawing like motion. I don’t generally think Kill Bill style, slow motion mid air head flipping following one swift, dramatic stroke. Granted, I haven’t seen a lot of beheadings lately, so maybe I’m not the expect on how tenaciously the spine clings to the brain stem, but I expected those bones in our neck were there for more than just show.

You know what, I don’t know what to think about any of this or even why I think it. I just know that clearly, I’ve never truly loved in what I generously call my “life” because not once have I ever entertained the thought of making something six inches shorter because I was told I couldn’t have it… Maybe I just don’t know how to love hard enough.

Our Favorite Search Terms of the Week

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Search engines. They’re imprecise, clumsy and ultimately telling of your inner most wants and desires. Your search history is kind of weird and embarrassing, and I’ll give you the same answer that I gave that flasher who lingered a little longer than necessary: no, you can’t look at mine.

When you have a website, you get a lot of information about that site, including the search terms that led someone to your virtual door step. With that in mind I wanted to share with you some of my favorite search terms of the week that, despite what ever the hell it was they were actually intending to find, led them to our sliding door.

For the week ending 4/10/11:

bimbo horse lamp

I’m not sure if this person was looking for a lamp, shaped like a bimbo horse, or a horse lamp with loose morals, even by animal shaped furniture standards.

student putting finger in teacher’s ass hole

I understand porn, there’s something for everyone out there, but I’m pretty sure nothing that we’ve talked about on this site can be directly traced to this find. I’m certain I’ve never said anything about inserting my finger into anything as a matter of fact, I’m saving that for marriage.

justin bieber has a girl clone

This one seems less like someone searching for something as someone trying desperately to warn the internet of something. It makes sense that you would scream this kind of horror into your nearest search field, but sadly the only response you’ll get if you type that in to Google is a simple “Shhh…” before someone unseen behind you stuffs your head into a burlap sack and you are never heard from again.

peace cocks

Now I understand we did an article with the title “Be at Peace, Sweet Cocks” so I can see how this might come up, but when I saw this I just imagined someone expecting to find a picture of a peace symbol being made by several penises and the disappointment we must have made that poor masturbater feel.

van full of kids

Clearly, what is left when the candy is gone… And speaking of which…

what is steven tyler’s favorite candy

I had never thought about this before, but now it’s all I’ll ever be able to think about again. What could possibly be Steven Tyler’s favorite candy. Yes, he’s a world renowned rock legend, having toured the world a bahundred times over, so initially I thought it would be some sort of Starburst type chewy snack custom made for Mr. Tyler to taste like a sixteen year old’s vagina. But then you have to remember that Mr. Tyler is in his sixties, so it’s probably hard candy… that tastes like a sixteen year old’s vagina.

“milli vanilli” “natalie portman” -steward -kstew -kristen -twilight

I can’t even begin to guess what this person was looking for, but what ever it was, it was a very specific, non-Twilight related connection between Milli Vanilli and Natalie Portman… But why? And how? And… Wha?

breast x

Clearly the newest Marvel Super Hero movie scheduled to come out sometime next May.

catch a grenade for you what kind of neighborhood

This one brings up an interesting question. In what type of neighborhood would it be acceptable for someone to 1) own a grenade, or 2) throw, catch and be exploded by said grenade in the name of making your ex feel like a cunt because it’s so clear that she would never be up for the gesture herself… Somewhere in Detroit? Or Arkansas?

ricky martin’s grammy pants

I for one didn’t watch the Grammys, the other guy in here did, so I have no idea how spectacular the trousers encasing Ricky Martin’s homosexual genitalia were, or how worthy of a second look at his sumptuously packaged bits strong enough for a woman, but made for a man were, but someone wanted an eye full, and another eye full.

i scream you scream we all scream for ice cream for global warming

Easily the longest search string and the saddest. Because really, if we’re having an ice cream social for global warming, by the time you’re done saying the name of what you’re doing, you don’t have ice cream any more and you’re wearing a dairy shoe wash.

two dollar bill parking lot molester

Probably my favorite if I had to choose just one, which I don’t, so forget I said that. I’m not sure how to interpret this one. Is it a parking lot that only takes two dollar bills and some guy was rubbing himself up against it? Was it a guy who would pull down his pants in a parking lot and rub the TJ Double Buck on his balls? Or even a guy who would molest someone inside this specific parking lot (or in a rash of parking lot molestations across the city) and when he was done, toss a two dollar bill on his victim as his own personal Joker style calling card? I have no idea, but there’s absolutely nothing I don’t like in this sentence: I love two dollar bills, I am a fan of parking lots, and molester? I barely knew her… but that didn’t stop me from molesting her, is what I’m saying…

Justin Bieber Cuts His Hair

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Pouty McPouterson gets a big boy haircut

Scientists at the Clones ‘R’ Us Laboratories in Santa Monica, California have been on high alert for a new endeavor that is about to come down their cell replicating pipeline. The infamous hairdo of Justin Bieber has been shorn like a little sheep, the exact species that Clones ‘R’ Us have perfected in their duplication processes. “We can’t wait to get our hands on that little F’ers hair. We’re going to make the biggest Bieber Army this world has ever seen”, said one of their lead scientists. “… Hundreds of thousands of little Biebers so every teenage girl can have their very own Justin. Not only are we going to clone Justin Bieber, but we’re going to try experimental tests that we’ve never even thought of doing before. We will be planting some of his hair like the

Chia Bieber says: "Good morning, you're so beautiful"

magic beans from ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ that will grow the most amazing Chia Pet that you’ve ever seen. Bieber’s head comes to life and tells you positive things about yourself every morning as he swings his hair and smiles at you. We also plan on making a daily vitamin supplemented with the oil of his hair so that you will always have the stamina of a 16 year old boy coupled with a singing voice like an angel.” There are so many things that the laboratory plans on doing with this magical coif that they promise we may never suffer through disease or famine ever again.

Not only are scientists jumping on the

An old man and a 12 year old girl

Garden of Eden theory that Justin’s hair will bring the world, but an old hairstyling product has emerged with a breath of new life that will sustain it FOREVER. The only way to cut Justin Bieber’s hair without losing a single strand was to use the 80’s styling tool “The Flowbee”. The carpenter who invented the Flowbee in the late 80’s is beside himself that Bieber has signed on to create a new customized version called “The FlowBieber”. “Holy shit I’m gonna be RICH!!!”, you could hear him screaming from two states away.

Bieber’s publicist said “We knew we couldn’t trust Justin’s hair with any styling tool, we had to capture every hair possible, because any piece that touched the ground had to be burned in honor of the unicorn that died because of it.”

Don't EVER count FLOWBEE out!!

This “haircut heard around the world” is also going to bring in a whole new stream of Bieber fans too. Since the haircut, Justin resembles an awkward 12 year old girl, so a whole new male demographic of tween boys and over 40 men will soon be jumping on that bandwagon as well. So all we have to say is … thank you Justin … your hair and your voice from Heaven made this world a better place, and now, it will make it a perfect place.

Another Grammy Waste Of Time

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The 53rd Annual Complete Freak Show
You screw up at the Super Bowl, and you fall down at the Grammys. Tsk tsk!!
"I knew I could get another use out of my wedding dress ... and these wings."
Bob Dylan grunts out a few inaudible lyrics to his new song "Laryngitis"
What do you get when Elmo and Big Bird have a one night stand?
Mick Jagger the marionette is surprised he's still alive too
Howie Mandel joins a band ... AND WINS!
Babs LOVES Duck Sauce ... she better anyway!
A Star is Drunk, I mean ... Born. Kris Kristofferson slurs his way through introducing Babs
Sigourney Weaver and the Alien finally did the nasty
Yeah you! You're still white!
Hey Ricky Martin, nice pants, and where'd your accent go? Oh yeah, nobody cares!
Some band with many members accidentally won Album of the Year
Zip, Nada, Zilch ... Wahh wahhh!