YouTube

Am I Pretty or Ugly?

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It’s a sad day when teenage girls feel the need to post videos asking others if they think the girl is pretty or ugly. Girls, you are not judged by what you look like! You are not a “Pretty” or “Ugly” status, just ask Angelina Jolie, she’ll tell you. So in an effort to understand what these girls are going through, Van Full of Candy decided to jump into the abyss of body image and self esteem by doing our very own research on the subject. Please watch our video and piss all over any self worth we may have had by giving us your brutally honest opinion. Are we Pretty or Ugly ??

VFoC Podcast — The Commercials

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Since the debut of “The Van Full of Candy Show” (LIVE Wednesday nights at 8 pm on BlogTalkRadio.com), we’ve continually gotten one comparison over and over again. People are making the natural and very realistic comparison between our new live podcast or “livecast” show and the single most watched program in the history of program watching, “The Super Bowl”. And when you think about it, it makes more sense than any thought that’s ever been pondered by human philosophers.

Both involve strapping, manly gentlemen at the peak of their game, doing what science God accidentally evolved them on this big scary world to do. Over there, it’s something as trivial as running around after an oblong sporting utensil, while in this neck of the woods it’s the much more important business of discussing the merits of pork and celophane based foreplay and plugging upcoming shows.

But the biggest parallel between “The Van Full of Candy Show” and the Super Bowl is often said that the best part of both is the commercials. I find that to be hurtful and insulting and almost universally true. So we’ve decided to scoop out our beloved radio commercial parodies from our DEEP archive of two whole episodes and share them as easily digestible audio chunks that you ears can lazily chew to their drum’s delight… Or something…

Check out our radio commercial parodies below, all sorted by episode. You’ll also be able to find the new ones as they are produced on the “Podcasts” page, under the show player widget-ma-bob-thingy… It’s all very technical and complicated. How about you just sit back, relax and take a soothing listen to radio commercials so authentic, you’ll wonder when the hell we’re going to get back and play more rock blocks… After all, it’s Two-fer Tuesday SOMEWHERE…

 Our parody radio commercials from previous episodes of
“The Van Full of Candy Show”

VFoC Video — "High 5"

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Hey, remember that thing last Saturday that I was bugging you with regular updates on for like, 14 hours? Of course not, you don’t pay attention to us on the weekends. Well here’s that thing. Our entry into The Sacramento Comedy Spot‘s 14 Hour Comedy Challenge!

Saturday morning at 8 am we received a video with 4 not at all specific criteria, they were:

  • “You have to have a recognizable quote from a U.S. President.”
  • “There has to be a high five someplace in the video.”
  • “One character has to be wearing a baseball hat.”
  • “At some point during your sketch there has to be a double face palm.”

We wrote, recorded and edited our entry throughout that day and at 9:54 pm we e-mailed our entry.

See if you can spot all four of our criteria being met!

And if you’re in the Sacramento area, you should get to the aforementioned Comedy Spot on Friday, February 10th to vote for our video. We could win things. Maybe even stuff!

Either way, please enjoy “High 5”, we had a lot of fun making it.

 

VFoC Video — "Shit Carnies Say"

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Carnival folk, they live a life that most of us could never imagine. Subsiding on the corn dogs, cotton candy and popcorn left over at the end of the night and spending what little money they make assembling rickety fun wheels in department store parking lots, on home made, bathtub speed. It’s the kind of existence most of us dream about, but sadly, could never realize in real life.

Philosophers, wise men, all around fountains of knowledge and experience. Carnies say some crazy shit, and you would be crazy not to get a nose full of it when ever the opportunity presents itself.

So please enjoy “Shit Carnies Say” and pass it on, these are wise words that will benefit anyone who hears them… Or just creepy shit some toothless meth freak yelled at a single mother of three outside the Port-a-let, mistakenly believing they were praying to a dragon… Either way…

1 Vagina, 2 Vagina, 3 Vagina, 4

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As a guy, when I first heard about this story, my first impression is “fuck yeah, let’s do this!”, but when I didn’t get a return call, I had a lot of time to reflect on the situation. Let’s rewind shall we?

As I stumbled around my living area this morning, I, what my grandparents would say, “turned on the news”. Turning on the news back in day meant walking up to a huge wooden box and pulling a button and waiting 30 seconds for the tube to warm up and an image to appear on the screen. But when I say it, turning on the news means swiping the “slide to unlock” on my little black half pack of cards made of glass and plastic. And that’s a lot of words to have to go through to get to the girl with the double-vagina part of the story. A young Australian woman, Hazel Jones, revealed that she has an extremely rare medical condition, two vaginas.

Now, back to the beginning, as a guy when you hear a story about a woman with a double-va-J-J, you get really close to your computer monitor and hope to see how you can buy tickets to the ride, and you hope that there’s a freaky clip on YouTube somewhere, not because I’m a perv, but because I enjoyed science class as a kid. But then I got to thinking of the logistics of having a 3-sum with one other person, it’s perplexing and stressful all at the same time.

Wait !! Two of them ???
1. Finding the Grafenberg Spot is practically impossible for a mere mortal, but when you’ve got two spots to find on a non-existent map, fogettahboutit, get me a beer and something that makes me feel good about myself.

2. Hand cramps and lockjaw. Look, I’ve got some serious skills but trying to sing all the parts of a barber shop quartet by yourself is like trying to fill the van’s gas tank by farting in it, it’s possible, but it’s gonna take a LONG time. If you wanna make this woman happy, you’ve got to be a concerto pianist and a champion yodeler. Yodelers use their tongue to yodel right?

3. And the final word on the stress of all this, what seems to be awesome situation, pregnancy.

World's Slowest Yet Most Expensive Female Pleaser

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One for every outfit and occasion

Women like it slow, but if this is the kind of slow that they mean, then I’m gonna go grab a sandwich and I’ll be back when you’re good and worked up, in say, oh … two hours. The porn industry is a multi-ka-trillbion dollar industry. It’s everywhere you look and everywhere you don’t want it to be when you’re looking at it at work and cant get the fuckin’ window to close fast enough when someone walks up behind you at your desk … CLICK CLICK CLICK FUCKING CLOSE GODDAMMIT … hey, oh that, that was just … cute kittehs, so what can I help you with?

At Van Full of Candy Research Labs, we spend a LOT of our R&D funds on finding the next best plastic love toy that makes you feel not alone while being, well, totally alone … night after night after lubed up melon-sex night. And melons aren’t cheap these days, you know with global warming and crops dying and all that, so … anyway, I lost track of … oh yeah … sad masturbation gimmicks. We spend 70% of our budget on these devices so we can personally test them, make sure they’re up to snuff and then let you, our loyal fans, which items should be on your naughty Xmas list.

Not too long ago, Jesse did a great article on, which I’d like to call “My Favorite Friend Thusfar”, a wonderful little toy called handjob bot that took China by storm, not to mention my millions of children. But we have now uncovered a new playmate for women who like to be teased and foreplay’d for a while, and for people who have a pension for Gumby. We have a couple of volunteers right now testing the device as we speak, but since it’s still 6″ away from touching them, well, we’ll probably need to report our findings next month.

Without further ado, Van Full of Candy presents … X Marks the Spot

World’s Slowest Yet Most Expensive Female Pleaser

Posted on

One for every outfit and occasion

Women like it slow, but if this is the kind of slow that they mean, then I’m gonna go grab a sandwich and I’ll be back when you’re good and worked up, in say, oh … two hours. The porn industry is a multi-ka-trillbion dollar industry. It’s everywhere you look and everywhere you don’t want it to be when you’re looking at it at work and cant get the fuckin’ window to close fast enough when someone walks up behind you at your desk … CLICK CLICK CLICK FUCKING CLOSE GODDAMMIT … hey, oh that, that was just … cute kittehs, so what can I help you with?

At Van Full of Candy Research Labs, we spend a LOT of our R&D funds on finding the next best plastic love toy that makes you feel not alone while being, well, totally alone … night after night after lubed up melon-sex night. And melons aren’t cheap these days, you know with global warming and crops dying and all that, so … anyway, I lost track of … oh yeah … sad masturbation gimmicks. We spend 70% of our budget on these devices so we can personally test them, make sure they’re up to snuff and then let you, our loyal fans, which items should be on your naughty Xmas list.

Not too long ago, Jesse did a great article on, which I’d like to call “My Favorite Friend Thusfar”, a wonderful little toy called handjob bot that took China by storm, not to mention my millions of children. But we have now uncovered a new playmate for women who like to be teased and foreplay’d for a while, and for people who have a pension for Gumby. We have a couple of volunteers right now testing the device as we speak, but since it’s still 6″ away from touching them, well, we’ll probably need to report our findings next month.

Without further ado, Van Full of Candy presents … X Marks the Spot