VFoC Podcast — The Commercials

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Since the debut of “The Van Full of Candy Show” (LIVE Wednesday nights at 8 pm on BlogTalkRadio.com), we’ve continually gotten one comparison over and over again. People are making the natural and very realistic comparison between our new live podcast or “livecast” show and the single most watched program in the history of program watching, “The Super Bowl”. And when you think about it, it makes more sense than any thought that’s ever been pondered by human philosophers.

Both involve strapping, manly gentlemen at the peak of their game, doing what science God accidentally evolved them on this big scary world to do. Over there, it’s something as trivial as running around after an oblong sporting utensil, while in this neck of the woods it’s the much more important business of discussing the merits of pork and celophane based foreplay and plugging upcoming shows.

But the biggest parallel between “The Van Full of Candy Show” and the Super Bowl is often said that the best part of both is the commercials. I find that to be hurtful and insulting and almost universally true. So we’ve decided to scoop out our beloved radio commercial parodies from our DEEP archive of two whole episodes and share them as easily digestible audio chunks that you ears can lazily chew to their drum’s delight… Or something…

Check out our radio commercial parodies below, all sorted by episode. You’ll also be able to find the new ones as they are produced on the “Podcasts” page, under the show player widget-ma-bob-thingy… It’s all very technical and complicated. How about you just sit back, relax and take a soothing listen to radio commercials so authentic, you’ll wonder when the hell we’re going to get back and play more rock blocks… After all, it’s Two-fer Tuesday SOMEWHERE…

 Our parody radio commercials from previous episodes of
“The Van Full of Candy Show”

VFoC Video — "High 5"

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Hey, remember that thing last Saturday that I was bugging you with regular updates on for like, 14 hours? Of course not, you don’t pay attention to us on the weekends. Well here’s that thing. Our entry into The Sacramento Comedy Spot‘s 14 Hour Comedy Challenge!

Saturday morning at 8 am we received a video with 4 not at all specific criteria, they were:

  • “You have to have a recognizable quote from a U.S. President.”
  • “There has to be a high five someplace in the video.”
  • “One character has to be wearing a baseball hat.”
  • “At some point during your sketch there has to be a double face palm.”

We wrote, recorded and edited our entry throughout that day and at 9:54 pm we e-mailed our entry.

See if you can spot all four of our criteria being met!

And if you’re in the Sacramento area, you should get to the aforementioned Comedy Spot on Friday, February 10th to vote for our video. We could win things. Maybe even stuff!

Either way, please enjoy “High 5”, we had a lot of fun making it.


VFoC Video — "Shit Carnies Say"

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Carnival folk, they live a life that most of us could never imagine. Subsiding on the corn dogs, cotton candy and popcorn left over at the end of the night and spending what little money they make assembling rickety fun wheels in department store parking lots, on home made, bathtub speed. It’s the kind of existence most of us dream about, but sadly, could never realize in real life.

Philosophers, wise men, all around fountains of knowledge and experience. Carnies say some crazy shit, and you would be crazy not to get a nose full of it when ever the opportunity presents itself.

So please enjoy “Shit Carnies Say” and pass it on, these are wise words that will benefit anyone who hears them… Or just creepy shit some toothless meth freak yelled at a single mother of three outside the Port-a-let, mistakenly believing they were praying to a dragon… Either way…

VFoC Video — "Dudecanoe"

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Corrupt cops in the pockets of the criminals who’re REALLY running the streets. A system designed to protect the guilty even more than the innocent. In a world gone mad, maybe it’s the bat shit craziest ass hole who’s really the sanest of them all! Shooting first and not asking questions, kicking ass and not taking names, it’s time for someone to take back the streets from those who took it back from the other ones who had it before that were better mannered and decent…

And there’s just one name you can count on to get the job done, no matter the senseless, unnecessary cost. Dudecanoe: He’s a Cop. And crime can eat one.

Spread the word.

VFoC Video — "Conversation Starter"

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You’re at a party, you don’t know anybody except Jim, Jose and Bud. You’re fine with that, but some folks like to “strike up conversations” and “talk to other human beings”. Some others still have tricks that make you start talking to them. These devious cunts make uncomfortable, awkward conversation SEEM like YOUR IDEA! Not cool bro… Not cool…

Enjoy Van Full of Candy’s first video offering of the new year, “Conversation Starter”, and share it with someone you don’t really want to talk to.

VFoC Video — "US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to "Fondue Fun Night", Invites Zach Galifianakis"

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The Marines are bringin' sexy back

Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling miracle, I had made the occasion on the same night as the OTHER Marine Corps Ball, the one where Mila Kunis will be attending on November 18th. Phhhhhhhhhhhhew !! I read that JT had an incredible time with his YouTube date even going so far as saying, “Last night changed my life, and I will never forget it!”, just as Fondue Fun Night will change your life Cameron, I swear it !!

Now, granted, I acknowledge the fact that Cam-Cam hasn’t “replied” to my video invite “officially” yet via YouTube or/and an email, a phone call, a comment in these posts, a middle finger, ANYTHING, etc., but I know how busy these celebrity types are with their movies, and their interviews, and their money, all that fucking money. I’m sure it was just an accidental oversight on her part, or her assistant’s part, or her publicist’s part, or maybe her camera phone hasn’t been working lately. It’s ok … I don’t mind waiting around for a reply, I’ll just sit here and … hmmmmmm … you know what? Forget her !! Now that I look back to see when the initial invite went out, it’s been over four months now !! That’s just DAMN RUDE CAMERON DIAZ !! So as of right this minute on today’s date, I am retracting my invitation to you Cameron, sorry, but I’m also a entertainment professional, and I just cant be strung on like this, so, it’s off. I’m very sorry.

So, I’m going to change my invite to somebody who won’t act so unprofessional by toying with one’s emotions. Here’s my NEW video invite …

VFoC Video — "Let Daddy Make It All Better"

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Awww baby, don’t be sad. We had to go away for you. I know it doesn’t make sense baby, but we had to go away so that we could give you somethin’ good. You understand, don’t ya baby? We missed you hard. Real hard. Think of how much you missed us, then multiply it by two, ’cause there’s two of us, and that’s almost half as much as we missed you. Fer rillz girl. Don’t worry, we won’t go away again. Now shush now, let’s make it alright… tonight.

VFoC Video — "Steve Jobs Has Found His Replacement as CEO"

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Well it didn’t take long for The Audition Guy to show Apple, Inc. why he’s the best guy for the job.

VFoC Video — "Trans-Am"

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Idiot #1: How do you like my new hair cut Moron #2?

Moron #2: That is quite a finely cut set of hairs Idiot #1. I would go so far as to call that haircut “awesome”.

Us: Hey idiot. Lookie here moron. You’re wrong; shut the fuck up.

Has this kind of thing happened to you? Are you tired of stupid people who don’t understand what words are ruining perfectly descriptive language with banality and wrong headed fucktarditude?

Well fret no longer friend, because Van Full of Candy has the answer. Introducing: “Trans-Am”. The ultimate human expression of appreciation and excitement. Wanna learn how? Well please enjoy our finely crafted presentation below.

If you have any further questions on how you should more properly express yourself in conversation, just ask and we’ll be more than happy to tell you exactly how you’re doing it wrong, and set you back on the right path: the “Trans-Am” path!

Wink, thumbs up, freeze frame!

VFoC Video — "Life Cubed"

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Well hello all you little worker bees. You must be SO excited for your Love America 3 Day Weekend. You know why you’re so excited? Because your job wants you to think so. It wan’t to trick you into thinking you’re happy that you’re getting an extra day off this weekend. Your job wants you to go and celebrate and light sparklers and celebrate this great land we live in. It wants you to think it cares about you and your mental well being. But it doesn’t, no, it just wants to suck the living life juice straight out of your soul day after day after miserable day, in a slow, methodical way, so you don’t even realize it’s actually happening until one day you end up like these poor happyless people. But it needs the extra day to reboot it’s Soul Sucking Machine so it’s running on all cylinders come Tuesday morning. So I guess the joke is on you … cubicle people!!