FDA

Weight Loss Pills And Skinny Big Girl Jeans — You're Not Good Enough: Parte the Second

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Fat, it’s unattractive on woman ladies. On men folk of course it’s distinguished and rugged, esteemed and electable. Lady people are not allowed to have any of it. Not if I had my way at least! Women are supposed to be sleek, lithe and petite, like tiny baby jungle cats that you want to penetrate with your turgid man utensil. If you’re a girl person with swollen fat cells you might as well call yourself a man with the wrong set of groin luggage!

So you’ll bet your god damned love handles that I was super stoked and all kinds of other degrees of stoked when I heard the news that U.S. health advisers recommended the approval of “Qnexa”, a new obesity drug that could be hitting the big fat lady waists of these great United American States soon. And I say that this damned thing couldn’t come a second too soon, just LOOK at the beasts that Levi’s is throwing around in their latest pants advertisements, or as I prefer to call them, “pantsvertisements”.

"Haz you any sammich for mah eat hole?!"
"Haz you any sammich for mah eat hole?!"

Oh god! I just threw up all over the inside of my pants!

No. You are wrong Levi’s! Hotness comes in only a single size, “minuscule”. Anyone wearing any size that is a positive integer makes me want to feed them fish heads from a fucking bucket!

Fortunately monsters like these will soon be a thing of the past thanks to the fine people at Vivus and their MIRACLE pill Qnexa.

“Disgusting Fatness” as it is referred to in modern medical journals is, as you know, a very serious and very real medical condition. People can’t help that they’re food inhaling land beasts, it’s a medical science problem that can only be solved through the liberal application of pharmaceuticals. There are simply no two ways about it. I mean, if not being fat were as simple as, say, controlling how often your face ports are crammed with creamy delights, or, I don’t know, moving in ways more strenuous than lifting a cheese covered hand to your face and dangling it there until the gooey curds drip into your slobbery waiting hole, then no one would be suffering from clinical disgusting, would they?

So fat is uncontrollable by any sort of personal responsibility means, that much we’ve established and it’s a real life medical condition. Science fact. So finally we have a solution to our completely out of our own hands gluttony: Qnexa. This gift from God’s own goody bag of heavenly solutions which he hoards from us until we have prayed hard enough about our hatred for gays, has been shown to help patients in their trials “lose at least 10 percent of their weight after a year of treatment.” And the only very minor, very negligible potential side effects are memory loss, higher heart rates and a 40 percent increase risk of birth defects. A small price to pay I think we would all agree, to ever be desirable to anyone ever again.

“I would say not treating obesity is not risk neutral.” Dr. Susan Yanovski, a member of the advisory panel that voted to recommend Qnexa said. “We have fer treatments for obesity for those who don’t respond to lifestyle treatments.”

Yes, what is to be done for those obese Americans (I’m lookin’ at 1/3 of you America) who simply do not respond to “lifestyle treatments”? Who is thinking of those lazy sloth monsters who do not “respond” to “lifestyle treatments”? Eating less? Exercise? What if my body does not respond to those treatments in that I can not make myself stop eating or start moving because I just don’t wanna?

Well apparently the answer Levi’s has is just stuff ’em in a denim sausage casing and call it a day!

Last week there was an uproar concerning the jean company’s new ad campaign promoting their Curve ID line of pant products, or as I am often known to call them, pantducts… I didn’t understand what the uproar was about having not seen the campaign, but like any good, concerned American citizen, that didn’t stop me from being OUTRAGED about what I was told I should be outraged about. “Details” and “facts” are for readers and stuck up elite know it alls who like to know all of things. But then, when I DID finally see this campaign I was outraged for a whole new set of reasons, not the least of which was people making me outraged on the side of outrage that I would not have taken if I had known what to properly be outraged about!

It seems “ladies” who are advertised to would like things to actually reflect real life definitions of things. Well I’m sorry “ladies”, but there’s a reason there is an unrealistic standard set by magazines about fashion and magazines about magazines about fashion, it’s because that’s what the mens likes ta see! “That doesn’t make sense” you might be whining through your spoon full of Hagen Daz. Of course it doesn’t. Who said it should? Probably a girl!

Qnexa: Put it in your mouth fatty. That's what you're good at, right?
Qnexa: Put it in your mouth fatty. That's what you're good at, right?

What you don’t seem to understand is that the women and gay men who write these publications and set these standards know that a wire thin, sickly, fraction of the human form is what gets the man folk all worked up. I don’t make the rules, the gays do. So when Levi’s says that “hotness comes in all shapes and sizes” they don’t mean YOUR shape and size, don’t be ridiculous, you are repulsive, you should never take any form of pride in your outward appearance and you should constantly strive to look as much like these fictitious ideals of female proportion or you will never be happy. Are you new?

So it’s just a good thing that someone has heard your cry, reverberating in your wine glass, and delivered unto you a solution. A solution that will make your chest vibrate like a humming bird, cause two fifths of any of the children you manage to deliver to come out looking like a carnival break room and leave you without any memory of your former grotesque self, ten disgusting percent heavier.

You’re welcome girls.

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Party People! You Win Some, You Lose Some: Headaches vs. Mistake Babies

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This week has been an uneven one for those who like to party first and deal with party related consequences eventually. We at Van Full of Candy are known to be fans of both “Party” and “Consequences”. The first is fun, the second is hilarious and the combination of the two is often hilariously fun. That is, as long as those hilarious consequences of party are being felt by others. The amount of fun and hilarity one experiences as a result of party consequences is in direct relation to exactly how much it effects you personally. Party Fact.

Not so fast rapedy, where's your doctor's note? Clock's tickin'.
Not so fast rapedy, where's your doctor's note? Clock's tickin'.

First, Wednesday, Party People who like to put their Party Parts in the parts of other Party People got the bad news that the Plan B Party Pill was going to have to stay behind the pharmacy counter. The FDA had ruled that anybody who had $50 and a need to unhappen a late night baby could pick up the pill in their local anywhere without having to let the Pharmacist know how much they like to Party. But “Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius”, thinking of course, of the children, decided that it was best to avoid the impulse buy madness that allowing just anyone to toss a couple de-preggers in your basket would most certainly cause, you know, because it’s best to stock up for those times when you just don’t want to pull on one of those Pesky Pecker Party Ponchos.

I can naturally understand the Human Services Lady’s point of view. Sebelius’ concern was apparently that “girls as young as 11 are physically capable of bearing children and Plan B’s makers didn’t prove that younger girls could properly understand how to use this product without guidance from an adult”. Completely fair and rational and understandable. Eleven year olds like to party. Party Fact. Also a fact, all over the counter drugs that can be harmful to children without proper guidance from an adult must be proven to be properly understandable to eleven year old girls before it can be sold to the public. Never mind that the use of this product, a pill, is covered by one of humanities most basic function, the “forward swallow”, or that said pill can in no way do any sort of damage what so ever to a tween whether taken properly or improperly (unless I guess, ingested into the brain stem through a child’s blow hole perhaps), the fact that the product does not explicitly explain that fact is apparently tragically unsafe and worthy of keeping it off of shelves.

Party People 17 and older that want to exterminate impending womb vermin can still do so without prescription, as before, by simply telling the “doctor” behind the counter that she had a party in her pelvis and everyone was invited. Those under 17 will continue to need a prescription from their local clinic. Don’t mind the van parked outside with pictures of inside out fetus parts or all of the lovers of invisible sky persons calling you a whore, they’re just there to make sure you don’t let the next guy get away with saying that he can’t feel anything when stuffed in his Party Prophylactic. And hey, don’t worry if the doctor calls to inform your parents that you’ve just picked up a life unruiner pill, if one of ’em’s the reason you’re there, they’ll probably love to hear the news!

But fret not lovers of all things party! The FDA, yes, the same FDA that tried to let you decide for yourself whether or not you knew how to operate a pill properly, just today approved a drinky don’t hurt disk for mass consumption following a night of massive consumption. “Blowfish” an “Alka-Seltzer like tablet” is a hangover cure on its way to a non Plan B stocked store shelf near you!

Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a LOUD FIZZ THAT IS!
Plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a LOUD FIZZ THAT IS!

No longer will you have to pay for your night of heavy drinking with head aches and tummy aches and mysterious muscle strains and bruises that you can not explain and continuously tell your friends not to explain. With its (not at all) patented combination of 1,000 milligrams of Aspirin, 120 milligrams of caffeine and an unspecified (in the article that I found this information at least, and I’ve used up all of my research coupons for the year) quantity of antacid, “Blowfish” is set to take a prominent place in Van Full of Candy’s Party Purse, which is actually a medicine bag that we bought at a gas station inside an Indian reservation that we were assured was not only blessed by the tribe’s shaman, but was very masculine and didn’t at all look weird for us to be wearing. This’ll fit in quite nicely with our embarassingly purchased Plan B pills and notarized consent forms. With a name like “Van Full of Candy” written authorization to consensually violate another human being sets a lot of minds at ease.

Now the “Blowfish” product didn’t actually NEED to be approved by the FDA since it’s “composed of ingredients already aveilable for over the counter sales”, but instead needed approval of its packaging.

“Like all drug packaging, it has a lot of warnings for people with certain conditions,” Brenna Haysom, creator of Blowfish said. “And pregnant women should not take it, but hopefully they don’t need to be taking it!”

An excellent point. Women who are pregnant shouldn’t take a fizzy pill with a cup of coffee’s worth of caffeine, because that would be bad. Oh, and naturally, as Brenna so wryly points out, tongue planted firmly in drunken cheek, pregnant women shouldn’t be NEEDING to take the product in the first place since it’s a hang over cure and as most Party Preggos know, they shouldn’t be drinking beer. It’ll make the baby too fun and charismatic.Party Fact.

So Party People, get out there and have a good time knowing that the consequences that need the most urgent attending to are covered. If bright lights and loud noises make your head an itty bitty bit ouchy, the FDA approved product that can help you will soon be at the 7-11 register next to the energy shots and scratchers. But if you get pregnant inadvertently or against your will, the FDA approved product that can help you will still be un-readily available to you because, you know, God.

Smoking DOESN’T Cause Cancer Anymore … So Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘Em

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That is so OBVIOUSLY Photoshop'd

Well thank god THAT’S over … for now anyway. Some federal judge has ruled that the “graphic” images of what smoking will do to you are unconstitutional and go against Big Tobacco’s right to free speech, saying that the pictures are “staged”. So what I’m getting out of this is that since the pictures are in fact not real, then smoking cigarettes doesn’t give you cancer and make you dead. This is great news to all of us religious smokers who just love the way it makes us smell and helps keep our taste buds in check, not to mention all the small children who see the ads for cigarettes at eye

Come to Daddy !!

level in convenience stores.

This is a great day for our constitutional rights !! I mean, what’s next? Forcing breweries to place graphic images on 12 packs of beer of what happens when you drink too much?  A picture of a dude with a huge beer belly? A picture of that man/woman that you went home with and what they ACTUALLY looked like the next day? Graphic pictures of drunk driving crashes? That’s just ridiculous … we all know that cigarettes and beer don’t kill people … guns do.

And then what’s next? The desensitizing of these “shocking” pictures? Once we see them hundreds of times a month, they’ll just become normal to us, they won’t “shock” us into not buying these wicked vices that we choose to put in our bodies with our own hard earned money that we make on a bi-monthly basis, these vices that help us deal with the jobs that we have that make us completely stressed out day after day after miserable day working for the man that helps us earn this money that helps us buy these things that assuage our completely broken down spirits so we can cope with waking up the next day and schlepping into the office of your current employment just to do the whole thing over again tonight. We’ll just look at them and say, “hey, that’s uncle Rick”. LET US HAVE OUR CANCER STICKS !! LET US HAVE OUR 12 PACKS OF MEDICINE !! QUIT RUINING EVERY GAWDDAMN THING FOR US FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S F’ING HOLY !!!

The new look of the Happy Meal

So for now, go out and enjoy your cigarettes, drink yourself silly because there’s nothing wrong with it right now until the ruling gets appealed and goes to the Supreme Court. And hopefully nothing comes of it because I’m sure they’ve got an entire ad campaign that they’d love to put on the bags of every McDonald’s and Burger King order.

Here’s a cute little video the FDA made … enjoy !!

Smoking DOESN'T Cause Cancer Anymore … So Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

Posted on

That is so OBVIOUSLY Photoshop'd

Well thank god THAT’S over … for now anyway. Some federal judge has ruled that the “graphic” images of what smoking will do to you are unconstitutional and go against Big Tobacco’s right to free speech, saying that the pictures are “staged”. So what I’m getting out of this is that since the pictures are in fact not real, then smoking cigarettes doesn’t give you cancer and make you dead. This is great news to all of us religious smokers who just love the way it makes us smell and helps keep our taste buds in check, not to mention all the small children who see the ads for cigarettes at eye

Come to Daddy !!

level in convenience stores.

This is a great day for our constitutional rights !! I mean, what’s next? Forcing breweries to place graphic images on 12 packs of beer of what happens when you drink too much?  A picture of a dude with a huge beer belly? A picture of that man/woman that you went home with and what they ACTUALLY looked like the next day? Graphic pictures of drunk driving crashes? That’s just ridiculous … we all know that cigarettes and beer don’t kill people … guns do.

And then what’s next? The desensitizing of these “shocking” pictures? Once we see them hundreds of times a month, they’ll just become normal to us, they won’t “shock” us into not buying these wicked vices that we choose to put in our bodies with our own hard earned money that we make on a bi-monthly basis, these vices that help us deal with the jobs that we have that make us completely stressed out day after day after miserable day working for the man that helps us earn this money that helps us buy these things that assuage our completely broken down spirits so we can cope with waking up the next day and schlepping into the office of your current employment just to do the whole thing over again tonight. We’ll just look at them and say, “hey, that’s uncle Rick”. LET US HAVE OUR CANCER STICKS !! LET US HAVE OUR 12 PACKS OF MEDICINE !! QUIT RUINING EVERY GAWDDAMN THING FOR US FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S F’ING HOLY !!!

The new look of the Happy Meal

So for now, go out and enjoy your cigarettes, drink yourself silly because there’s nothing wrong with it right now until the ruling gets appealed and goes to the Supreme Court. And hopefully nothing comes of it because I’m sure they’ve got an entire ad campaign that they’d love to put on the bags of every McDonald’s and Burger King order.

Here’s a cute little video the FDA made … enjoy !!

Can I get a Pack of Crusty Lung Light Menthol 100 Extra Slims Please?

Posted on Updated on

Good news everybody! It’s still legal to suck disease straight down your throat, and it just got a whole lot sexier!

Word came down today that the smooth, rich flavor that just makes life worth living is now going to come in new, “edgier” goth doom packaging. Adorned in “labels that depict in graphic detail the negative health effects of tobacco use… the corpse of a smoker, diseased lungs, and a mother holding her baby with smoke swirling around them” and hip new catch phrases like “Smoking can kill you” and “Cigarettes cause cancer”… Hooray?

No shit...
No shit...

This will of course do very little to curb smoking, likely as much as, say, distributing servings of heroin (that’s how they’re doled out, right? Serving sizes with nutritional information on the side? I haven’t caught up on my DVRed episodes of “The Oxycontin Express”, please, no spoilers) in mylar party balloons with the words “Don’t” scribbled on the side in the blood of your own children. See, we as Americans often do stupid shit, that’s kind of our thing. Not that smoking is strictly an American past time, ’cause it ain’t, but we know how to put our own particular child lock brand of insulting stupidity on it. It’s the American way.

There’s nothing in this latest move by the FDA about banning the sale of cigarettes or tobacco products. Nothing to remove from the shelves a product that is responsible for approximately 443,000 deaths a year. Their solution is simply to make the packs hard to look at and hope to scare smokers straight. By making half the pack look like a snuff film, telling them that “Eating poison will surely assassinate you” and giving them the 1-800 number to a stop smoking hot line, the FDA has done its job and made the world safe again. Smokers today are allowed to smoke legally only in a two foot square cabinet under their bathroom sink which upon moving must be shipped to a special cigarette nook disposal facility in North Dakota where it is then buried three miles deep under a thick protective layer of E.T. Atari 2600 game cartridges until Jesus can safely exorcise all of the inky black cancer vapors or the sun expands to the point of devouring the solar system and all life as we know it… Which ever comes first. Making the packs scary ain’t gonna stop smokers from smoking their smoke making smokes.

Debating whether or not cigarettes should be made illegal is pointless. They never will be. They’ll be $60 a pack and sold wrapped in photographs of the grandchildren that cancer will prevent you from ever meeting before they’re made illegal. Should they be? Well, the way I see it, the key to whether something should be illegal or not should be whether or not that something’s sale would be approved if it were presented as a brand new product today.

Chainsaw... it's what your face wants!
Chainsaw... it's what your face wants!

I personally have a product that has been proven to, if used properly, fucking murder you. When can I start selling this thing to children while telling anyone trying to arrest me that I am in no way trying to sell them to children? My new product is called “Chainsaw to the Face”. And just as the name suggests, it is the rich, refreshing taste of chainsaw, delivered conveniently and comfortably, directly to the god damned face. Chainsaws are legal, faces are most certainly still legal, despite all of big anti-face’s efforts to make them otherwise. Why couldn’t I sell boxes of “Chainsaw to the Face” in every gas station and drug store across God’s own free land. Go ahead FDA, slather it in warning labels if it’ll make you feel like you’re doing your job. Dip our boxes in pictures of the results of the use of our product: old people with their faces chainsawed off. “Chainsaw to the Face” is just too addictive, that’s why we secretly try to hook our customers when they’re young, to get the most possible “Chainsaw to the Face” years out of them before, inevitably, they are killed by the proper, clinical, only possible use of “Chainsaw to the Face”: a chainsaw to the face…

The only thing the FDA can think to do, or will be allowed to do, to a product that kills 1 in every 693 people in this country is to make half of the pack look like what will happen if you use what’s inside as directed. Nobody at this point in human history doesn’t know that cigarettes are bad for you. The last person born before packs of cigarette had to legally start telling people that they wanted to murder you for buying them, turned 56 this year. Seeing exactly how cigarettes plan on doing it every time you pick up your pack isn’t going to make many people suddenly realize that their sucking a dozen kinds of poison into their face might not be the best thing for them… They could start packaging cigarettes in people recently murdered by cigarettes and it would have little effect on their purchase power.

By the estimates of this article and of new studies 20% of Americans smoke: about 46 million Smokey-Americans. By implementing this new horrific labeling, the FDA, BY THEIR OWN ESTIMATES, believe they will reduce the number of smokers by 213,000 in 2013 “with smaller additional reductions through 2031”. So their big victory against tobacco is that by making half of the pack look like a cereal killer’s frigidaire, they are going to reduce the number of smokers in the United States by… wait for it… 0.46%! Twice as many people will still die in 2013 from smoking, as their new horror porn warning labels will save over the next 18 years…

The tobacco companies are laughing their tar covered balls off at you FDA. 

Cigarettes got in on the ground floor of murdering Americans with their products. tobacco products have been killing Americans as long as there’ve been Americans. And if one of our nation’s original biggest exports had been cocaine of heroin or Chainsaws to the Face, then they would be just as inexorably entrenched in American commerce as the tobacco industry.

So good for you tobacco, you made yourself too important to have to give a shit that you’re murdering your customers and too big to be stopped. Good for you.