United States

Cut It Out China! You’re Freaking Us Out!

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China is going to murder us from the sky! How do I know? The Googles! The Googles told me!

GOOGLES!

Alright, let me back up here, this may require slightly more explanation than me shouting “The Googles” at you until it makes sense. That could take days. Days that WE DON’T HAVE!

First, take a look at this and tell me what you see…

Tasteful lattice work or map of your grave? China knows.
Tasteful lattice work or map of your grave? China knows.

If you said anything other than “The Godless Red Chinese Communist heathens plotting our horrible deaths at the hands of their highly trained elite death guard” then you’re fooling yourself, Jack! I look at that and I see lasers from the fuckin’ SKY man! Lasers and… nuclear…ness! Nuclear death lasers in the sky! Ready to wipe us AND the debt that we never plan to pay back, clear off the face of their Earth!

And I’m not the only lunatic that sees what’s just layin’ right there, out in the open, ready to be Google mapped by just any lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work! Clear thinking, level headed, reasonable people, immediately branded as “conspiracy theorists” by some and “lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work” by others, can clearly see what we have on our hands here: the Chinese Area 51!

Dun dun DUN!

We in America have an Area 51, we call it “Area 51” and just like our very real and very not just clumps of pixellated cosmic rays Martian bases, Area 51 is super real. And based on that absolute fact of reality we then have to assume that the Chinese Area 51, which we’ll call “the Chinese Area 51” for short, is also very real. And keeping in line with this freight train of logic that I’m hurtling along on, because once I start it’s very damaging to what is left of my fragile psyche to stop and think about the reasonability or “sense” of anything that I’m saying for risk of shattering the thin layer of sanity holding together this undulating mass of violently, unpredictable crazy; the Chinese too must be holding their own space alien ship and or crew hostage as we have been in the American Area 51 which I will heretofore refer to as “the American Area 51″… for short.

Now, what was I saying? Oh, right, China is going to sky murder us.

The popular theories from those that the media have been dismissing as “conspiracy theorists” is that these appear to be “solar energy facilities” or “test ranges for Chinese missiles, to simulate the street grids of cities.”

Since we know that most residents of China inhale most of their oxygen with a spoon it’s very unlikely that these are “solar energy facilities”. So the next possibility: missile ranges simulating the street grids of cities. And what theoretical city might the Chinese have patterned this completely fictitious street grid after on which to test their fire power? Well, it just so happens that one person has claimed that this is a replica of the Washington D.C. street layout! Yeah! That warmth in your chair is from where you just crapped your pants! I know it! I’m living it!

But now that I think about it, all of this is simply too easy. Chinese orbital battle platforms testing their might against the outlines of our nation’s capital? Right China, like THAT’S what you’re up to. You see, my hyper-brain sees an infinite number of potential explanations for these unexplainable land formations. I look beyond the obvious to the ludicrous, because somewhere between those points, the truth is pointing and laughing at us all. And I punch that bastard “truth” in the face and say, “Hey! That’s fuckin’ rude, guy!”

Now, it is obvious that this is an exact one to one recreation of the street system of Washington D.C., I don’t think that point is in question. Where I disagree is that it is a missile range. I see this for what it clearly is, or more accurately, what it WILL be. Ladies and gentlemen of God’s America, I present to you “America 2”.

Hear me out…

China, as we speak, is hard at work building an exact replica of the United States near the border of Mongolia. Then, as each America 2 city is completed, the Chinese government will kidnap the Americans living in the America-Classic equivalent city and transport them in the night to their new Chinese American homes. So you go to sleep one night in American Washington D.C., then the next morning you wake up in China American Washington D.C., never the wiser! As more America 2 cities are completed, those citizens will again be transported until eventually all of what was the United States is completely empty and ready to be conquered by our new land lords!

Now, you may be asking yourselves, “How did this one man figure out the most devious plot that has ever been hatched in the history of warfare? We should shower him with riches beyond his clearly limitless imagination.” And I thank you for that, but I do these things not expecting to be grotesquely rewarded with all that I could ever need for the rest of my waking moments. I do it for you, the loyal fans. Not so that we can rise up and stop this from happening, I’m not entirely sure that it hasn’t happened already and we’re just seeing images from the initial planning stages of this insidious plot now so that our conquerors can screw with out heads. I’m doing this so that when we do meet someday in our new America 2 streets we can nod to one another knowingly, you can say “You’re the guy that knew.” I can shrug humbly, then you can buy me a drink and we can reminisce about what we remember from when we were American Americans and not American Chinese Americans.

That is, before we have to get back to our stations, tasting poison for no apparent reason. Hey, a job’s a job…

Our future shift supervisor Lee Chin. He can fly, so, we kinda have to do what he says...
Our future shift supervisor Lee Chin. He can fly, so, we kinda have to do what he says...

Cut It Out China! You're Freaking Us Out!

Posted on

China is going to murder us from the sky! How do I know? The Googles! The Googles told me!

GOOGLES!

Alright, let me back up here, this may require slightly more explanation than me shouting “The Googles” at you until it makes sense. That could take days. Days that WE DON’T HAVE!

First, take a look at this and tell me what you see…

Tasteful lattice work or map of your grave? China knows.
Tasteful lattice work or map of your grave? China knows.

If you said anything other than “The Godless Red Chinese Communist heathens plotting our horrible deaths at the hands of their highly trained elite death guard” then you’re fooling yourself, Jack! I look at that and I see lasers from the fuckin’ SKY man! Lasers and… nuclear…ness! Nuclear death lasers in the sky! Ready to wipe us AND the debt that we never plan to pay back, clear off the face of their Earth!

And I’m not the only lunatic that sees what’s just layin’ right there, out in the open, ready to be Google mapped by just any lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work! Clear thinking, level headed, reasonable people, immediately branded as “conspiracy theorists” by some and “lunatics with an internet connection and a government tracking device implanted in their dental work” by others, can clearly see what we have on our hands here: the Chinese Area 51!

Dun dun DUN!

We in America have an Area 51, we call it “Area 51” and just like our very real and very not just clumps of pixellated cosmic rays Martian bases, Area 51 is super real. And based on that absolute fact of reality we then have to assume that the Chinese Area 51, which we’ll call “the Chinese Area 51” for short, is also very real. And keeping in line with this freight train of logic that I’m hurtling along on, because once I start it’s very damaging to what is left of my fragile psyche to stop and think about the reasonability or “sense” of anything that I’m saying for risk of shattering the thin layer of sanity holding together this undulating mass of violently, unpredictable crazy; the Chinese too must be holding their own space alien ship and or crew hostage as we have been in the American Area 51 which I will heretofore refer to as “the American Area 51″… for short.

Now, what was I saying? Oh, right, China is going to sky murder us.

The popular theories from those that the media have been dismissing as “conspiracy theorists” is that these appear to be “solar energy facilities” or “test ranges for Chinese missiles, to simulate the street grids of cities.”

Since we know that most residents of China inhale most of their oxygen with a spoon it’s very unlikely that these are “solar energy facilities”. So the next possibility: missile ranges simulating the street grids of cities. And what theoretical city might the Chinese have patterned this completely fictitious street grid after on which to test their fire power? Well, it just so happens that one person has claimed that this is a replica of the Washington D.C. street layout! Yeah! That warmth in your chair is from where you just crapped your pants! I know it! I’m living it!

But now that I think about it, all of this is simply too easy. Chinese orbital battle platforms testing their might against the outlines of our nation’s capital? Right China, like THAT’S what you’re up to. You see, my hyper-brain sees an infinite number of potential explanations for these unexplainable land formations. I look beyond the obvious to the ludicrous, because somewhere between those points, the truth is pointing and laughing at us all. And I punch that bastard “truth” in the face and say, “Hey! That’s fuckin’ rude, guy!”

Now, it is obvious that this is an exact one to one recreation of the street system of Washington D.C., I don’t think that point is in question. Where I disagree is that it is a missile range. I see this for what it clearly is, or more accurately, what it WILL be. Ladies and gentlemen of God’s America, I present to you “America 2”.

Hear me out…

China, as we speak, is hard at work building an exact replica of the United States near the border of Mongolia. Then, as each America 2 city is completed, the Chinese government will kidnap the Americans living in the America-Classic equivalent city and transport them in the night to their new Chinese American homes. So you go to sleep one night in American Washington D.C., then the next morning you wake up in China American Washington D.C., never the wiser! As more America 2 cities are completed, those citizens will again be transported until eventually all of what was the United States is completely empty and ready to be conquered by our new land lords!

Now, you may be asking yourselves, “How did this one man figure out the most devious plot that has ever been hatched in the history of warfare? We should shower him with riches beyond his clearly limitless imagination.” And I thank you for that, but I do these things not expecting to be grotesquely rewarded with all that I could ever need for the rest of my waking moments. I do it for you, the loyal fans. Not so that we can rise up and stop this from happening, I’m not entirely sure that it hasn’t happened already and we’re just seeing images from the initial planning stages of this insidious plot now so that our conquerors can screw with out heads. I’m doing this so that when we do meet someday in our new America 2 streets we can nod to one another knowingly, you can say “You’re the guy that knew.” I can shrug humbly, then you can buy me a drink and we can reminisce about what we remember from when we were American Americans and not American Chinese Americans.

That is, before we have to get back to our stations, tasting poison for no apparent reason. Hey, a job’s a job…

Our future shift supervisor Lee Chin. He can fly, so, we kinda have to do what he says...
Our future shift supervisor Lee Chin. He can fly, so, we kinda have to do what he says...

VFoC’s Thursday Post Delayed Due to Sweaty, Sexy Celebration

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Your regularly scheduled Van Full of Candy Thursday post has been temporarily delayed due to a sudden, raging Soccer on… 

 

I LOVE SOCCER!
I LOVE SOCCER!

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, we just love Soccer so very, very much. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the Soccer room to Soccer one out… USA! USA! USA!

VFoC's Thursday Post Delayed Due to Sweaty, Sexy Celebration

Posted on

Your regularly scheduled Van Full of Candy Thursday post has been temporarily delayed due to a sudden, raging Soccer on… 

 

I LOVE SOCCER!
I LOVE SOCCER!

We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, we just love Soccer so very, very much. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the Soccer room to Soccer one out… USA! USA! USA!

Hey Poor People: Go Fuck Yourself

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It’s no secret that the rich despise the poor. This hatred stems from a couple very different, very dark places in the place that at one time may or may not have housed a soul. Either 1) the rich person was once poor, and the very sight of the un-monied sends shivers down their spine, reminding them of the life they fought out of, frightened every day that someone will take it all away from them and send them back to the horrors of non-richness. of B) they have never known a minute of want in their entire privileged life and are so out of touch, with no reference for the plight of the soiled dirty people, they don’t understand how everyone doesn’t own a drawer full of platinum dipped, emerald encrusted cock rings, except that their abject lazy and unwillingness to make something of themselves makes them despise them and their worn more than once clothing.

There’s really no other way to explain the mind rapingly unnecessary extravagances that the rich continue to treat themselves to when surrounded by a world that at best is barely scraping by and is at worst, scraping off a bite of those who failed to scrape by.

The latest luxury item being offered to the bored rich collector of things that they should be ashamed of is this beaut…

The "Zaffiro Iridium": More luxury than your face could ever need.
The "Zaffiro Iridium": More luxury than your face could ever need.

Feast your eyes on the majesty of the only razor greater than yourself.

Now, you may be asking, “Why has a razor for the wasteful wealthy pissed you off so very much Mr. Blog? It’s just a razor, what harm could it possibly do to you and your constantly yelly face?” And it’s a fair question. Just looking at this face deforestation utensil, it looks no more special than your average Gillette. Frankly, it actually looks kind of ugly. A razor is generally a fairly harmless bathroom expenditure and this one looks like you could probably buy a bag of three of them for five bucks at CVS. But if that were the case, I wouldn’t have been shouting at the sky for the last three hours, now would I? Well, okay, I probably would have, but at least this gave me a somewhat defensible reason.

You see, if you’d like to scrape the whiskers from your face in the most luxurious, exclusive way known to the abhorrent excess of man, you can get yourself your very own Zafirro Iridium for the bargain basement price of JUST… $100,000.

No, I didn’t just have a stroke and lean on the zero key for a comically long period of time: that’s the real fucking price. For only $100,000 you can stride confidently across the face of your own bought and paid for planet with chops as smooth as a starving child’s malnourished ass cheeks.

"Oh good, my shaving razor's HANDLE has arrived. Send someone poor to fetch that for me."
"Oh good, my shaving razor's HANDLE has arrived. Send someone poor to fetch that for me."

And you know what, you get your very last penny’s worth, because the Zafirro Iridium isn’t made with space age technology, that’s for poor assholes. No, the Zafirro Iridium is made from fucking SPACE! See, if Zafirro’s razor sounds sort of familiar in a weird, sci-fi kind of way, that’s because it gets its name from the material it’s made from “Iridium”. What is iridium you may be wondering? Well you see, most of the iridium found on our planet is “the result of crashed meteorites”… That’s right, this razor is made of space rocks. Actually, scratch that. The HANDLE is made of space rocks. The fucking handle is made of iridium, an “extremely scarce and expensive metal that is so dense, it could survive a drop into molten lava”. Not the business end of this $100,000 indestructible face smoother but just the HANDLE, the LEAST IMPORTANT PART of this thing is made of a Superman metal from a doomed planet far, far away that has crash landed on Earth.

So then, if the thing that holds the blade is made of metal that can leap tall buildings in a single bound, what the hell fuck could the actual blade be made of? Sharpened unicorn bones? Laser carved shards of a brown dwarf star? Jesus’ finger nail clippings? No, that’s ridiculous, nothing quite so extravagant and fantastical, the blades of this $100,000 dollar shaver are simply made from artificially grown sapphire… That’s all… I don’t even know what that means or if the reality of what the blades actually are is even less insane than the other options I threw on the table.

Zafirro, which apparently only exists to sell these razors, is only offering 99 of these grotesque impulse buys to the money soaked “public”, adding one more irresistible feature to lure in the bahudratrillionaires: exclusivity. The only thing the super rich love more than buying more comically expensive things that shouldn’t cost nearly so much, is knowing that they will be one of only a handful of people on the planet to own it.

To say this is unnecessary is a gross understatement, but that doesn’t mean that people don’t have the right to spend their money how ever they see fit. What makes me so angry is when I see something like this and then, foolishly, put it in perspective. The poverty line in the contiguous United States for the year of our lord 2000 and 11 for a family of 4 (with all family members 18 years of age or over) is $22,350. So, give those four families a couple extra bucks in walkin’ around money to waste on frivolous nonsense that the poor are known to throw their money away on, such as food and electricity, and 16 people could live the lavish life of the just barely not impoverished for an entire year for the price of a single, solitary, volcano proof grooming tool…

It’s better not to think about these things, I wish I didn’t. But I do, and that’s why I’m angry all the time. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go get a ten pack of Bics at the dollar store and try to resist the urge to cut my hands off with them… BYE NOW!

All Hail, King Van Full of Candy!

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Good news everybody! Tonight the United States Government shuts down! Hooray! Happy Days! Rock ‘n Roll! Someone get me a chung so I can wang the hell out of it!

Why good news you may be asking? Well you see, yesterday on Twitter in addressing the imminent shuttering of this grand old nation, I called King. I called it. If the government shuts down, we at Van Full of Candy, are King. King of America. That’s just how it works. The “I called it first” edict is universally recognized by all international courts and peace keeping bodies. There’s no point in bitching, you could have called it, but you didn’t. We did. So as of 12:01 am, Saturday, April 9th, the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Ten and One, we will officially be King of The United States of America.

Now do not fret, our loyal subjects. We do not come to you today as ruthless, power hungry despots. We only wish to rule you with a kind, tender, knowing touch. The kind of touch that only a monarch and his ruled class of people know and share. We will treat you nice and call you pretty, regardless of your appearance. Just so long as you obey our every command to the letter without question. And we’ll all be cool. Got it? I said do you got it!? Alright then. If you had just answered the first time I– you know what, it doesn’t matter. Don’t make us regret usurping the power of this nation. Just be cool. So here it is, our new list of rules of the realm:

Sorry, you only get one.
Sorry, you only get one.

WE HEREBY OFFICIALLY DO DECREE … That each citizen of the new realm will be issued one (1) fully grown jungle cat to do with as you wish. These beasts will not have been raised in captivity since we just thought of this and will then very likely have a taste for flesh and little to no litter box training. Upon delivery it will be up to you, the jungle cat owning citizen to decide how to care for and battle your blood thirsty killing machine. We understand that the initial learning curve in this process will likely be quite steep and that by the end of the first week of implementation of this program, many major metropolitan cities will likely be newly governed solely by lions and pumas and the like. With this in mind we would like to introduce our second decree…

Cat laser technicians hard at work, for you.
Cat laser technicians hard at work, for you.

WE HEREBY OFFICIALLY DO DECREE … As we speak, the lamp posts of the country’s major urban centers are being fitted with high tech, nonlethal cat lasers. These lasers are designed to maintain order in the newly giant feline over run cities of America. You may naturally be wondering why, rather than changing our initial decree of unleashing millions of tons of fur, claws and teeth upon the people of the United States of America, we have decided to follow it up immediately with a measure to control the out of control element we initially instated. And the answer is simply because we can not be shown to have any sort of weakness or indecision, the cats can smell that kind of shit…

WE HEREBY OFFICIALLY DO DECREE … The official soundtrack from Mad Max will be our new National Anthem and played at all sporting events, every morning in schools right before the new pledge of allegiance (which is currently being rewritten), and at 4:00pm every day over loudspeakers in every city. During the Anthem all will stop what they’re doing, face due east and place their hands over their heart until the Anthem has finished.

WE HEREBY OFFICIALLY DO DECREE … That you’re it. No tag backs.

You'd be crazy not to!
You'd be crazy not to!

WE HEREBY OFFICIALLY DO DECREE … A new day will be added to the week, and it will be known, from this point forward … as Vanday. It will be placed between Saturday and Sunday and will be included in the traditional “weekend”. Vanday will be 48 hours long. Within the Vanday there will be no sales tax on anything and everything will be 50% off. EVERYTHING! Including already sale priced items. So add the extra 50% savings to whatever the sale price of the item is and that will be the new sale price. However, when you return that item on a day other than Vanday, you will get the full refund for the price of that item prior to it being on sale.

Understated, subtle, American.
Understated, subtle, American.

WE HEREBY OFFICIALLY DO DECREE … That any man, woman, teenager, adolescent child, newborn baby, dog, cat, mouse or bug of any sort that does deem it necessary to own a truck that is higher than 8 stone (a new height measurement) be, ironically, stoned to death upon being caught with aforementioned gigantic embarrassment of a vehicle. In this new world we choose to be lower to the ground and more sustainable with two-wheel vehicles being the primary mode of transportation, motorized or not, with a slight slant towards the four-legged variety (non motorized of course) unless you happen to have the special disabled card (physical, mental or socially) which then allows you to choose whichever sort of transportation you would like, except you cannot drive that chosen vehicle on the first and third Vanday of the new month unless, of course, it’s raining or there is a lunar eclipse, which then would allow anyone to drive, but only up to 53mph during that half hour period when reruns of Three’s Company is on. So yes, big truck equals death.

Simply follow these very straight forward, easy to understand decree and we’ll all get along just fine in this new Kingdom of the Van. All hail, class dismissed.

Terrorific!

Posted on Updated on

The Department of Homeland Security, the guys responsible for you having to mail yourself your own deoderant and the reason you have an entire hall closet dedicated to your plastic sheeting and duct tape storage, announced this week that they will begin phasing out their color coded terror alert system, and doing away with it completely by April of this year.

Safety rainbow.
Safety rainbow.

This proud, noble system, that has for so long kept us safe and sound, secure in the knowledge that we must remain ever elevated or risk some flag hating desert bastard blowing up our freedom! Because never in it’s long history did this advisory ever dip into the guarded blue or low green. If we were to perform our duty as fear abiding Americans we needed to know at all times that there was at best always the significant risk of an attack any where, at any time. Boo! Mother fucker! BOO! So simplistic in design that even the most American of us could understand it, the color coded advisory system became the very symbol of our global war on terrorism and it’s resounding success.

So, with our total and unquestioned victory over terror and the agents thereof it is time now to retire this glorious symbol of American fear. But what then will fill the fear void? Where will we look to next to know exactly how affraid we should be and what color, shape or symbol will most accurately encapsulate that ever present low level hum of fear in the back of our heads that we couldn’t possibly live without?

Well, Van Full of Candy is proud to announce that we have been contracted by the Unites States Government to devise a new replacement system of terrorfying you, the general public.

We take this contract very seriously. We thought what better way to get the word out than with daytime television and the stay at home moms, retired ladies, and the unfortunately unemployed women who watch them. With the vast amount of play dates, and the networking of moms everywhere, this was the only rational solution we could come up with based on the few hours of scientific research and blindfolded dart throwing we did at our facilities. VFoC presents the Kitchen Utensil Daytime TV Advisory System with Commercials:

Terror Threat 5: Slightly annoyed to be interrupted (Very Low Threat)

This threat will be shown to housewives who are watching the PBS hit-show “Quilt In a Day”. The threat will be verified by flashing a wire wisk in the lower right hand corner for 20 seconds and playing “Happy Days are Here Again” by Barbra Streisand.

Terror Threat 4: A bit agitated, enough to sigh out loud (Just a Regular Everyday Risk of Threat)

If a stay at home mom is at home for the afternoon enjoying Cindy Crawford’s “Meaningful Beauty” infomercial and a KitchenAid Mixer appears in the top left hand corner, then she is to understand that the everyday normal schmormal terror risk is in effect. Nothing to do, just be aware and possibly call her mother in law to inform her.

Terror Threat 3: Really starting to get irked, standing with hands on hips (Terror is starting to get serious now)

When a soccer mom gets interrupted from her show “She’s Crafty”, you know things are getting serious. A turkey baster spins in the center of the screen and Savage Garden’s “Truly Madly Deeply” begins to play at a louder volume than in Terror Threat 5.

Terror Threat 2: Full Blown Pissed Off Now (Terror is right down the street)

When unemployed haus frau’s get interrupted from their Judge Joe Brown show, you know that shit is starting to go down. Corn cob holders quickly fly across the screen, Judge Brown hides under his desk, “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gainer blasts as loudly as a commercial’s volume, and car’s alarm systems begin to blare. This is when things start to get ugly.

Terror Threat 1: Mad as hell and rolling her neck (Terrorists are calling your phone from inside the house)

Oh lawrd Jesus, mama just got severed from her Days of Our Lives show and the image of a bottle of wine appears on the screen. No music, no flashing, no nothing. All hell has broke loose and she’s fittin’ to rip somebody’s neck out. Everyone will be alerted of the terror by her screaming out the open window “OH NO THEY DIH’INT!!”  God speed terrorists, God speed!

Then, with this new threat level system in place, we decided to tackle what we thought the previous system was dangerously lacking. You see, when the inevitable does happens (and it will, don’t you forget it, oh, and Boo!) and we are powerless to stop the very fear we’ve been conditioning you to wet yourselves at the thought of, you need to be informed, and at the same time, calmed. Fear is alright when there’s really nothing to actually be afraid of, but when something scary does finally happen, you need to be soothed and distracted or in your panic you might finally realize that we have only successfully kept you on edge and afraid while having no real ability or desire to actually prevent that which we were frightening you with.

To that end, Van Full of Candy presents:

Cat-astrophe Pals!

Cuddly, adorable, easy to recognize and understand, these furry little indicators will help you instantly recognize exactly which apocalyptic event has struck our shores. Who’ll have time to worry about the billion strong, red Chinese army that’s marching through the streets of downtown when these precious little things break the news?

A long forcasted, slow moving storm has come ashore, destroying much of a beloved national treasure. Steps that could have been easily taken to avoid this tragedy were ignored and the potential for this level of devastation was scoffed at by all who could have done something. The city is now populated exclusively by the drowned and the drowning. Help may or may not arrive in approximately 12-16 business days.

Kitteh Says: I don’t doggy paddle, I KITTY paddle!

Snuggle!

A commercial jet has been detonated in the sky over a major metropolitan city by the explosives rigged religious garment of a passenger who, while having been placed on the no fly list eight years ago was not subjected to an invasive pat down for fear of the appearance of and subsequent lawsuit for racial profiling. All of the passengers and crew have been immediately lost, with the flaming debris raining down on the city below likely to claim countless others.

Kitteh Says: It’s okay, let’s snuggle!

During a hugely attended celebration, a mid sized passenger van explodes. The vehicle is packed with highly sophisticated home made explosives, nuclear waste material and a highly virulent biological agent. Those within the immediate blast radius are killed instantly and will later be referred to as “the luckiest people ever”. Over the next several months as the radiation and virus are carried through the atmosphere the death toll will be comically astronomical with each infected man woman and child begging for death to finally take them.

Kitteh Says: We heart you!

Racial tensions have finally come to a head with the wholesale slaughter of minority children by the “Soldiers of Purity”. The natural, understandable retaliation has sent the nation into an unending spiral of race warfare that after centuries of silent seething, now has no intention of being sated by anything short of the final drop of mongrel blood. Only when the land is pure, when none but the single victor race remains, then and only then, will there be momentary peace before we immediately find something else to hate about each other.

Kitteh Says: Good thing we’re both dolphins, huh?

The skies have opened and He has return to His Earth, and the followers whom He Himself promised He would someday deliver to their final reward, simply for accepting Him as their one true Lord, rejoice. Unfortunately some of the translations from the original scripture seem to have been less than entirely accurate as the Lord of Lords commands all of those that believed to rise from their graves, unleashing his undead army on the unclean non-believers. The Lamb’s grisly legion are impossibly fast and strong, easily tearing through the living flesh of those who have turned their eye from Him. The horrors cover the globe, with the pleas of the victims only being drowned out by the mirthless cackling of those believers slowly rising into the heavens in a softly glowing beam of light.

Kitteh Says: I have not forsaken you oh Lord! I am your staff of light! The heads of the heathens shall be cleaved from their wretched bodies!

And there you have it, fear is saved, you’re welcome. We at Van Full of Candy look forward to keeping you updated on exactly what you should fear next, as soon as we can make it up. Keep watching the skies!