St. Patrick’s Day

Merry Fifth of Shots

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Hey everybody! Looking forward to celebrating the proud Mexican people’s day of Independence!? Well that shit ain’t ’till the middle of September so you’re gonna be dry a long time if that’s what you’re REALLY looking to celebrate. But let’s be honest, that’s not why you’re excited about Cinco de Mayo. We know it’s not why we are. It’s because the fifth of May isn’t about Mexican independence, hell, it’s barely about Mexicans, it’s just another American invented excuse to get shit faced and blame it on the calendar!

Cinco de Mayo is no more about Mexican culture than St. Patrick’s Day is about Irish culture. The both of them are simply about Drinking culture. Which naturally got us to thinking, we’re drunks, we need more excuses for that to be publicly acceptable. And with that in mind Van Full of Candy is proud to present, more vaguely ethnic holiday type events where it’s okay to make a gigantic ass out of yourself in the name of wearing a brightly colored t-shirt proudly exclaiming how you are an ethnicity that you clearly aren’t. For on these days, we are all brothers, we are all drunken Americans!

Gold goin' in and gold goin' out.

April 30th – Casimir the Pole Drunky Day

Poland was established around 700BC, but it wasn’t until the “Piast Dynasty” in 1365 that the first “Polish Joke” was accidentally uttered by Casimir III the Great when he asked “How many damn Poles does it take to polish my scepter?” He got huge laughter from everyone in his royal gold room. So much so that he immediately decreed that to be “the first official Polish joke”. He spake this joke on April 30th, which happened to also be on his birthday, so the celebration is of the birth of the joke and also of the king. The celebration in America consists of wearing one’s favorite red & white apparel in honor of the Polish flag. The drinking aspect of the celebration is all about taking shot upon shot of Goldwasser and coming up with the crudest joke possible until somebody is so offended that a bar fight breaks out. After the brawl everybody hugs and makes up and then throws up.

Smooth, like a Scot's... nothing.
Smooth, like a Scot's... nothing.

September 8th – Sir Wallace’s Day

To coincide with Braveheart’s original UK theatrical release date, we celebrate the life and liver of Sir William Wallace. What surprises me is with as much as the Scots love to drink, how there isn’t already an excuse holiday in their honor. I mean, there’s a drink named after these punch happy, incomprehensible people! That kind of dedication hasn’t been seen on this planet since the nomadic Schnapps tribes of the third century, finally having run out of drink and having to stop to rest their splitting headaches settled upon a plot of land to call their own and changed their name to “Aztec”. So why don’t we have a drinking holiday celebrating their crazy, drunken culture? Is it because most Americans can’t tell the difference between a Scot and a dirty low down swarthy Irishman? Probably, but we’ll teach them how! Paint your face, slur something about how they can take your empty, but they can never take away your freedom to buy another round, fall down and be peed on. We’re all Scottish today laddie!

"Wanted (WANTED!), dead or alive!"
"Wanted (WANTED!), dead or alive!"

December 7th – Super Imbibe Number One Sing Night Go!

Before most people only thought of the Japanese people as dangerously irradiated and damp, they were largely recognized as a quiet, polite, buttoned down people. Of course, they also enjoy the most ridiculous and insane game shows ever devised by asylum inmates, and like their pornography filled with tentacles. The Japanese people are fucking confusing. But one thing is certain, they love Sake. After a hard day at work the Japanese business men will take the train out to the bars, sing karaoke and get absolutely pissed with their bosses. Slobbering drunk and belligerent and then the next day go back into work and resume their quiet work a day roles. The date of Super Imbibe Number One Sing Night Go is an attempt to take back a day that frankly hasn’t lived in infamy for quite some time since most of the Greatest Generation is almost gone by now, and really, it’s for the best, they’ve been making all of the rest of us look kind of shitty for a long time. We’ll feel much better about ourselves and our singing voices as we turn our ties into head bands, belt out some Bon Jovi and celebrate Super Imbibe Number One Sing Night Go! A day that will live in drinkfamy! 

Thai "Cheers Beer" Girls - Best Holiday EVER!!

December 21 – Railroad of Death Day

In the year 1941, Japan really really wanted to get to the Malayan frontier probably to call it their own or shoot some shit up. Regardless of their motive, Thailand happened to be in the way.

The Japanese army did not want to go ALLLLL the way around Thailand to get there so they said “let us cross your land”. They didn’t say please or anything, so the Thai’s took exception to that and said “ummm yeah no”, to which Japan said “WAR!!”. After the entire 8 hours of the war, Thailand said “You know what? we’re done, go ahead and cross. But with one exception. You help us build a railroad across our country.” Japan agreed and sent over 200,000 Asian “helpers” and 60,000 POWs, all of which died in the severe working conditions and the beatings that were given by the Japanese. So to celebrate this, America dresses up in railroad prisoner garb and let themselves get “beat” by the proprieters of each bar they attend on their “Bar Railroad Crawl”. It’s one of the least popular celebrations due to the pain, but is heralded as the best Thai celebration ever. The popular drink for this day is actually comprised of Thai beer and a shot of sake to signify the two countries coming together for their time of mass slave killing, it’s fittingly called “The Railroad Beating”.

The 2011 Pre-St. Paddy’s Day Pub Crawl-Pub Crawl

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Wednesday March 16th

10:30am – Apartment

Hey, what’s up everyone, just wanted to get the live blog updatestarted with the 2011 Pre St. Patty’s Day Pubcrawl here on campus where they get things started early. So early in fact, that I’m actually already a couple of hours behind everyone else since I woke up so late after some fierce beer-pong last night. But LET’S PAAAAARTAAAAAAAY. I mean shit, tomorrow is the big Green day, so lets get our pubcrawl on!!

11:00am – O’Shannahan’s Grill

Ok, sweet, we just arrived at the kick-off bar. It’s packed in here, damn! So tradition is that you have to drink two green beers and eat two of their green hard boiled Luck O’ The Sam I Am eggs before you can leave. And if you don’t, they put green underwear over your neck that you have to wear the rest of the day as a badge of shame. And that AIN’T happening to me THIS year.

11:30am

Just finished the eggs, they were a bit dry and hard to swallow, but the beer washed it down pretty well, and I’m feeling just a little bloated. Earned my stripes and I’m off. Let’s take a look at the map here.

11:50am – Lucy’s Taqueria

I know this isn’t a traditional Irish bar, but it’s on the “crawl list” and it’s stop #2. Ok, so inside Lucy’s you’re supposed to have the “Irish Mexican”. It’s similar to an Irish Car Bomb but it has different ingredients, lets see here. It’s a pint of Dos Equis, a shot glass of Jose Cuervo, two tablespoons of green chile salsa for color and topped with Bailey’s Irish Cream and it’s served with a green quesadilla.

11:55am

Oh man, that wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. That really filled me up. Ok, but I’m good, so lets keep on doing this THANG! Whoa, just burped and it tasted like egg and sweet creamy salsa, nasty. Getting a good buzz going here though. Let’s move on. We’re goin’ til midnight, no time to puss out now.

12:00pm – McLoughlin’s Clover Pub

Alright sweet. We’re at one of the town’s oldest bars now. Just took a quick leak in the john and ready for some more shinanigans. Ok, so here at McLoughlin’s, you need to do an Irish jig with Seamus and Quinn without spilling your Black & Tan, so here goes.

12:10pm

Jesus, that was a workout and then drinking the Black and Tan, whew, I’m getting BLOOOOAted. But god damnit, lets do this the right way, buck up son, lets move on. Oh wait, I really need to belch, hang on. Go ahead, I’ll be right out.

12:40pm – Outside

Oh jeez, sorry that took so long, all that dancing really got things all stirred up in my belly. Wow, that wasn’t pretty. I’m just realizing that I’m really trashed actually, it’s like everything I smell is Irish, but everything I taste is Mexico. Ok, I’m doing better now, lets go.

12:45pm – Bengal Tiger Curry Kitchen

I’m really not too sure about this one. Hang on, it smells really strong in here I need a second.

12:50pm

I’m better now, let’s rock this shit. Alright, so I just need to pound a Green Curry Guinness Mosambi. Not so bad, it has an orange flavor to … HOLY SHIT THIS IS HOT!! God it’s boiling my intestines, is this some sort of sick joke? Oh crap I just puked on the floor, oh look it’s the eggs, cool. What do you mean get out? I just bought your sick curry bullshit and … ARRRGGGHHH ITS STILL BURNING!! Fine! I’ll leave, but I hate you!! I’m not slurring, you are.

1:00pm – Outside Sitting on Sidewalk

I don’t need your stupid help! I’M FINE!! We still have 11 hours, so come on! Move! Uggh, I fell. Where’s next? Hmmm? I’m not going to that stupid apartment, thasss for quitters! You wann me to quit? EFF YOU! See? I didn’t even cuss cuz I’m fine! Hang on gotta … oh there’s the Mexican food. Smells like curry, what the EFF? Where are we?

4:13pm – Apartment Bathroom

How’d I get to here in this, what’s the toilet? Oh hi I’m drunk! I don’t really know who got me here. Alright! Why is there underwear around my neck? Ok, well I’m much better now, so I’m gonna go back out and tell … but it’s so comfy right here. Bathroom rug, you’re so soft, I love you, you’re blue.

The 2011 Pre-St. Paddy's Day Pub Crawl-Pub Crawl

Posted on

Wednesday March 16th

10:30am – Apartment

Hey, what’s up everyone, just wanted to get the live blog update started with the 2011 Pre St. Patty’s Day Pubcrawl here on campus where they get things started early. So early in fact, that I’m actually already a couple of hours behind everyone else since I woke up so late after some fierce beer-pong last night. But LET’S PAAAAARTAAAAAAAY. I mean shit, tomorrow is the big Green day, so lets get our pubcrawl on!!

11:00am – O’Shannahan’s Grill

Ok, sweet, we just arrived at the kick-off bar. It’s packed in here, damn! So tradition is that you have to drink two green beers and eat two of their green hard boiled Luck O’ The Sam I Am eggs before you can leave. And if you don’t, they put green underwear over your neck that you have to wear the rest of the day as a badge of shame. And that AIN’T happening to me THIS year.

11:30am

Just finished the eggs, they were a bit dry and hard to swallow, but the beer washed it down pretty well, and I’m feeling just a little bloated. Earned my stripes and I’m off. Let’s take a look at the map here.

11:50am – Lucy’s Taqueria

I know this isn’t a traditional Irish bar, but it’s on the “crawl list” and it’s stop #2. Ok, so inside Lucy’s you’re supposed to have the “Irish Mexican”. It’s similar to an Irish Car Bomb but it has different ingredients, lets see here. It’s a pint of Dos Equis, a shot glass of Jose Cuervo, two tablespoons of green chile salsa for color and topped with Bailey’s Irish Cream and it’s served with a green quesadilla.

11:55am

Oh man, that wasn’t as good as I thought it would be. That really filled me up. Ok, but I’m good, so lets keep on doing this THANG! Whoa, just burped and it tasted like egg and sweet creamy salsa, nasty. Getting a good buzz going here though. Let’s move on. We’re goin’ til midnight, no time to puss out now.

12:00pm – McLoughlin’s Clover Pub

Alright sweet. We’re at one of the town’s oldest bars now. Just took a quick leak in the john and ready for some more shinanigans. Ok, so here at McLoughlin’s, you need to do an Irish jig with Seamus and Quinn without spilling your Black & Tan, so here goes.

12:10pm

Jesus, that was a workout and then drinking the Black and Tan, whew, I’m getting BLOOOOAted. But god damnit, lets do this the right way, buck up son, lets move on. Oh wait, I really need to belch, hang on. Go ahead, I’ll be right out.

12:40pm – Outside

Oh jeez, sorry that took so long, all that dancing really got things all stirred up in my belly. Wow, that wasn’t pretty. I’m just realizing that I’m really trashed actually, it’s like everything I smell is Irish, but everything I taste is Mexico. Ok, I’m doing better now, lets go.

12:45pm – Bengal Tiger Curry Kitchen

I’m really not too sure about this one. Hang on, it smells really strong in here I need a second.

12:50pm

I’m better now, let’s rock this shit. Alright, so I just need to pound a Green Curry Guinness Mosambi. Not so bad, it has an orange flavor to … HOLY SHIT THIS IS HOT!! God it’s boiling my intestines, is this some sort of sick joke? Oh crap I just puked on the floor, oh look it’s the eggs, cool. What do you mean get out? I just bought your sick curry bullshit and … ARRRGGGHHH ITS STILL BURNING!! Fine! I’ll leave, but I hate you!! I’m not slurring, you are.

1:00pm – Outside Sitting on Sidewalk

I don’t need your stupid help! I’M FINE!! We still have 11 hours, so come on! Move! Uggh, I fell. Where’s next? Hmmm? I’m not going to that stupid apartment, thasss for quitters! You wann me to quit? EFF YOU! See? I didn’t even cuss cuz I’m fine! Hang on gotta … oh there’s the Mexican food. Smells like curry, what the EFF? Where are we?

4:13pm – Apartment Bathroom

How’d I get to here in this, what’s the toilet? Oh hi I’m drunk! I don’t really know who got me here. Alright! Why is there underwear around my neck? Ok, well I’m much better now, so I’m gonna go back out and tell … but it’s so comfy right here. Bathroom rug, you’re so soft, I love you, you’re blue.

St. Valentine Can Suck It (A Prelude)

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It’s that time of year once again. The time when lovers frolic in the bounties of chocolate and cards and flowers and champagne and red & pink crap and … (hard swallow) … love. Did anyone else just puke in their mouth, swallow it and puke again all over the floor of loneliness? No? Just me? LIARS!

The smell of Hallmark and Red Felt Heart boxes is in the air again. Actually it’s been in the air since January 5th, the

The loving breakfast nobody will ever make for me

exact day that retailers have deemed “Valentine’s Month + 9 days”. The day when the last of the Christmas clearance crap and any New Years residue has been stripped clean of any and all retail shelving. The day when everything in the spectrum of red is shoved down our throat like certain beliefs of certain people who disturb our mornings with their certain pamphlets of certain Hell and damnation of certain non-believers who are certain to close the door in their faces as soon as possible. RED: the color of love and rage and passion and blood and wine and hearts and the devil. Is it any wonder that these things are intertwined like an extension cord that’s been unlovingly thrown and forgotten in a dank garage like my feelings? EXACTLY! Sidenote: (RED) is also the global fund to eliminate AIDS, just in case you were in the giving mood.

It’s also the time of year when a group of other people who aren’t enveloped in rapture and spending and guilt ridden for not getting our significant other any of the aforementioned cliché happy-love gifts, or making reservations at ridiculously overpriced restaurants that serve pink heart shaped salmon over a bed of rose tinted angel hair pasta drizzled with a balsamic passionate reduction and a side of enchantment and devotion. The ones who look at this time of year with disdain and a smidge of empathy

Well hello Friday night

for those poor guys standing in the sea of Valentine’s Day Cards at their local supermarket that have been picked clean like vultures on a fresh zebra carcass. The ones who don’t mind spending just another evening alone with our BFF’s Pat & Vanna and proudly yelling “BLAME IT ON THE RAIN RAIN GO AWAY”  before any of the dumbass contestants could ever dream of solving the Before & After puzzle, and sobbing into our plastic champagne flute of Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider.

So go ahead and spend your hard earned after tax money, and have your fun, and touch your partners inappropriately, because on this day, it’s all ok, it’s all expected, and gosh darnit, you paid for it, so you better get the most of it. And hey, you’re all in luck because starting February 15th, it’s the beginning of “St. Patrick’s Month + 3 days”. Somebody please, please, PLEASE “Kiss Me I’m Irish!”