Zach Galifianakis

US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to “Fondue Fun Night”, Invites Zach Galifianakis

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The Marines are bringin' sexy back

Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling miracle, I had made the occasion on the same night as the OTHER Marine Corps Ball, the one where Mila Kunis will be attending on November 18th. Phhhhhhhhhhhhew !! I read that JT had an incredible time with his YouTube date even going so far as saying, “Last night changed my life, and I will never forget it!”, just as Fondue Fun Night will change your life Cameron, I swear it !!

Now, granted, I acknowledge the fact that Cam-Cam hasn’t “replied” to my video invite “officially” yet via YouTube or/and an email, a phone call, a comment in these posts, a middle finger, ANYTHING, etc., but I know how busy these celebrity types are with their movies, and their interviews, and their money, all that fucking money. I’m sure it was just an accidental oversight on her part, or her assistant’s part, or her publicist’s part, or maybe her camera phone hasn’t been working lately. It’s ok … I don’t mind waiting around for a reply, I’ll just sit here and … hmmmmmm … you know what? Forget her !! Now that I look back to see when the initial invite went out, it’s been over four months now !! That’s just DAMN RUDE CAMERON DIAZ !! So as of right this minute on today’s date, I am retracting my invitation to you Cameron, sorry, but I’m also a entertainment professional, and I just cant be strung on like this, so, it’s off. I’m very sorry.

So, I’m going to change my invite to somebody who won’t act so unprofessional by toying with one’s emotions. Here’s my NEW video invite …

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VFoC Video — "US Army Vet Un-invites Cameron Diaz to "Fondue Fun Night", Invites Zach Galifianakis"

Posted on

The Marines are bringin' sexy back

Holy crap !! When I read today that Justin Timberlake had attended the Marine Corps Ball over the weekend, I thought “Oh my GAWD, did I accidentally stand up Cameron Diaz?”. For whatever crazy reason, I forgot to put the Fondue Fun Night at The Melting Pot in my calendar, but in a fortunate scheduling miracle, I had made the occasion on the same night as the OTHER Marine Corps Ball, the one where Mila Kunis will be attending on November 18th. Phhhhhhhhhhhhew !! I read that JT had an incredible time with his YouTube date even going so far as saying, “Last night changed my life, and I will never forget it!”, just as Fondue Fun Night will change your life Cameron, I swear it !!

Now, granted, I acknowledge the fact that Cam-Cam hasn’t “replied” to my video invite “officially” yet via YouTube or/and an email, a phone call, a comment in these posts, a middle finger, ANYTHING, etc., but I know how busy these celebrity types are with their movies, and their interviews, and their money, all that fucking money. I’m sure it was just an accidental oversight on her part, or her assistant’s part, or her publicist’s part, or maybe her camera phone hasn’t been working lately. It’s ok … I don’t mind waiting around for a reply, I’ll just sit here and … hmmmmmm … you know what? Forget her !! Now that I look back to see when the initial invite went out, it’s been over four months now !! That’s just DAMN RUDE CAMERON DIAZ !! So as of right this minute on today’s date, I am retracting my invitation to you Cameron, sorry, but I’m also a entertainment professional, and I just cant be strung on like this, so, it’s off. I’m very sorry.

So, I’m going to change my invite to somebody who won’t act so unprofessional by toying with one’s emotions. Here’s my NEW video invite …

Van Full of Candy’s 2011 Predictions

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With the new year, a lot of people like to make predictions about the upcoming hellscape that will be the coming trip around the sun. Impotently grasping for meaning and some illusion of control or understanding in a world where absolutely nothing makes sense. And we’re no different, except for how we’re exactly nothing at all like that!

And with that, Van Full of Candy is proud to present our Seven Diamond Super Lock, future verifiable prognistications for the year of our lord two thousand and eleven! More accurate than Sylvia Brown and much wiser than Nostradamus, VFoC gives you the exact events of 2011, just as they will have happened. And how do we know? ‘Cause we’ve been there Jack! And this is how the shit went down!

• Due to the continuingly slumping economy, pop-starlet Ke$ha will be forced to change her name to Ke¢ha

• Acetaminophen will officially go by its gang name: Pain~Sugar

• The city of Ashville, NC will be ravaged by a devastating Hurriphoocano. That’s a hurricane, stuffed in a typhoon, stuffed in a volcano

• Justin Bieber will find his natural part minutes before throwing his neck out

• Historians discover the bible is actually the first issue of the National Enquirer

• Lady Gaga will have all of her skin surgically removed and replaced with purple glitter wrapping paper

• In the vein of bird flu and monkey pox, 2011’s animal themed pandemic will be Giraffe Mumps

• Bin Laden shaves off beard and takes on the pseudonym Ted Williams, becomes famous

• Octamom will star in a remake of the 70’s show Eight is Enough co-starring Dick Van Patten as “Gramps”

• Comedian Zach Galifianakis will appear, either personally, in reference or allusion, in 3 of every 5 movies released this year

• Jesus Christ will descend from Heaven, wearing upon his head crowns upon crowns and the seven trumpet blasts will signal his arrival, to tell us the importance of buying gold

• An overpopulation of zebras will occur due to Pottery Barn’s sharp decline in rug sales

• Massive earthquake leaves the Hollywood sign damaged, displaying: HI MOM

• Michael Vick opens an SPCA … names it Houndstooth Casino and obtains a liquor license

• The Kardashian sisters will do nothing of redeeming social value and continue to be paid handsomely for it

• Greenland partially melts, revealing an actual hole dug to China

• LeBron James will be traded to the Milwaukee Bucks before quickly calling “Sike” and urinating on a young Bucks fan from his diamond encrusted helicopter

• Law & Order:Tenney,MN (Population 6) will premiere on CBS as well as CSI:Taco Bell on NBC

• Viagra revealed to actually be blue candy laced with singer Sting’s teardrops

• Taping of Two and a Half Men’s season finale will be abruptly interrupted when Charlie Sheen challenges the entire studio audience to a fight

And there you have it, 2011, we’ve lived it so you don’t have to. And you’ll never believe what that one person did to someone else that you might recognize from the television or motion pictures or recording industry, so beloved and so unforgivable, in 2012. But that’ll have to wait for another time.

Van Full of Candy's 2011 Predictions

Posted on

With the new year, a lot of people like to make predictions about the upcoming hellscape that will be the coming trip around the sun. Impotently grasping for meaning and some illusion of control or understanding in a world where absolutely nothing makes sense. And we’re no different, except for how we’re exactly nothing at all like that!

And with that, Van Full of Candy is proud to present our Seven Diamond Super Lock, future verifiable prognistications for the year of our lord two thousand and eleven! More accurate than Sylvia Brown and much wiser than Nostradamus, VFoC gives you the exact events of 2011, just as they will have happened. And how do we know? ‘Cause we’ve been there Jack! And this is how the shit went down!

• Due to the continuingly slumping economy, pop-starlet Ke$ha will be forced to change her name to Ke¢ha

• Acetaminophen will officially go by its gang name: Pain~Sugar

• The city of Ashville, NC will be ravaged by a devastating Hurriphoocano. That’s a hurricane, stuffed in a typhoon, stuffed in a volcano

• Justin Bieber will find his natural part minutes before throwing his neck out

• Historians discover the bible is actually the first issue of the National Enquirer

• Lady Gaga will have all of her skin surgically removed and replaced with purple glitter wrapping paper

• In the vein of bird flu and monkey pox, 2011’s animal themed pandemic will be Giraffe Mumps

• Bin Laden shaves off beard and takes on the pseudonym Ted Williams, becomes famous

• Octamom will star in a remake of the 70’s show Eight is Enough co-starring Dick Van Patten as “Gramps”

• Comedian Zach Galifianakis will appear, either personally, in reference or allusion, in 3 of every 5 movies released this year

• Jesus Christ will descend from Heaven, wearing upon his head crowns upon crowns and the seven trumpet blasts will signal his arrival, to tell us the importance of buying gold

• An overpopulation of zebras will occur due to Pottery Barn’s sharp decline in rug sales

• Massive earthquake leaves the Hollywood sign damaged, displaying: HI MOM

• Michael Vick opens an SPCA … names it Houndstooth Casino and obtains a liquor license

• The Kardashian sisters will do nothing of redeeming social value and continue to be paid handsomely for it

• Greenland partially melts, revealing an actual hole dug to China

• LeBron James will be traded to the Milwaukee Bucks before quickly calling “Sike” and urinating on a young Bucks fan from his diamond encrusted helicopter

• Law & Order:Tenney,MN (Population 6) will premiere on CBS as well as CSI:Taco Bell on NBC

• Viagra revealed to actually be blue candy laced with singer Sting’s teardrops

• Taping of Two and a Half Men’s season finale will be abruptly interrupted when Charlie Sheen challenges the entire studio audience to a fight

And there you have it, 2011, we’ve lived it so you don’t have to. And you’ll never believe what that one person did to someone else that you might recognize from the television or motion pictures or recording industry, so beloved and so unforgivable, in 2012. But that’ll have to wait for another time.