Interview

VFoC “LIVE” on The Comedy Buffet’s Podcast

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The good fellas at The Comedy Buffet were kind enough to let us stink up their otherwise hilarious podcast the other night. We’d like to apologize in advance for our uncontrolable crass behavior, rude language, and complete disregard to fat kids, cross-dressing boys, and religion in general, … yeah right, who am I kidding? Let’s face it, there’s just not enough room for those “types” here on this earth that’s about to overheat anyway, so forget all that bullshit I just said, click the link below and hold the F on because here we go !!!

Click Here to … HEAR !!!

How to be funny on The Comedy Buffet podcast

VFoC "LIVE" on The Comedy Buffet's Podcast

Posted on

The good fellas at The Comedy Buffet were kind enough to let us stink up their otherwise hilarious podcast the other night. We’d like to apologize in advance for our uncontrolable crass behavior, rude language, and complete disregard to fat kids, cross-dressing boys, and religion in general, … yeah right, who am I kidding? Let’s face it, there’s just not enough room for those “types” here on this earth that’s about to overheat anyway, so forget all that bullshit I just said, click the link below and hold the F on because here we go !!!

Click Here to … HEAR !!!

How to be funny on The Comedy Buffet podcast

Heinz Tomato Ketchup : It’s Monkey Shit Bitch!!

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What is this material "glass" of which you speak?

H.J. Heinz, the makers of America’s most beloved ketchup, Heinz Tomato Ketchup (not Catsup), has officially announced that they will be selling the “glass bottle” ketchup in select stores this summer. They said that they “want to bring some nostalgia to the summer barbecue season.”
I know personally that I cannot wait to get ahold of some of these bottles. To sit around on the back porch with some lemonade and reminisce about summers of old, when waiting patiently for ketchup to slowly plop out of the bottle was just part of life, and boy did we love waiting. I believe it will be a welcome contrast to those quick and easy no drip no mess bottles of the present where ketchup is just instantly available while your food is still hot. Man, what sort of fast food society have we become? Are we in such a hurry that we can’t wait 6-8 minutes for ketchup? Apparently we want our ketchup and we WANT IT NOW! Don’t you remember the fun we used to have shaking the bottle? Hitting the bottom of it with the palms of our hands? Shoving a butter knife in the bottle to lovingly help it out? God those days were amazing.
So, I needed to know if I was the only one who had this feeling about the good ‘ol days of ketchup, so I decided to ask a paint huffer I see everyday downtown while I wait for the train. Here’s what he had to say:

I'm a Golden Warrior! Where's the closest Ace Hardware?

Me: Have you heard about Heinz Tomato Ketchup being sold in the old school glass bottles again?
Huffer: Hey man weren’t you here yesterday or something?
Me: Yes, I’m here most weekdays, and so are you.
Huffer: I am? Wait! What is this? I didn’t do shit man!! Are you trying to steal my magical golden paper bag?
Me: No, no. I just want to know what you think about the ketchup being sold in bottles again.
Huffer: Man, listen to me and listen closely. (Whispers) I know what they do to ketchup, I was there man! I used to work in a factory where they had monkeys, TONS of monkeys … and they’d just run around the joint and eat tomatoes all day, it was soooooooooo weird man, they would just eat them all crazy like, like fuckin’ zombies, and tomato guts were just everywhere, dripping down their chins, all in their fur, and they’d jump up and down and scream this horrible horrible scream, just like mommy used to do when she and her weekly manfriend would come home from the bar and they’d play “naked couch” and mommy would turn into a horse, but the details of that aren’t clear since I was only 5, but yeah man … those goddamn monkeys, and those fucking tomatoes and then after they ate so much, to the point of almost bursting, they’d all get on this cartoon-like conveyer belt and … IT’S MONKEY SHIT!! THAT GODDAMN KETCHUP IS MONKEY SHIT BITCH!! … Whoa man … sorry, I need to look inside my magic golden paperbag for a second.
Me: You know what? You better let me have a look inside that bag too, because that’s the kind of ketchup story I want to tell my grandkids.

Heinz Tomato Ketchup : It's Monkey Shit Bitch!!

Posted on

What is this material “glass” of which you speak?

H.J. Heinz, the makers of America’s most beloved ketchup, Heinz Tomato Ketchup (not Catsup), has officially announced that they will be selling the “glass bottle” ketchup in select stores this summer. They said that they “want to bring some nostalgia to the summer barbecue season.”
I know personally that I cannot wait to get ahold of some of these bottles. To sit around on the back porch with some lemonade and reminisce about summers of old, when waiting patiently for ketchup to slowly plop out of the bottle was just part of life, and boy did we love waiting. I believe it will be a welcome contrast to those quick and easy no drip no mess bottles of the present where ketchup is just instantly available while your food is still hot. Man, what sort of fast food society have we become? Are we in such a hurry that we can’t wait 6-8 minutes for ketchup? Apparently we want our ketchup and we WANT IT NOW! Don’t you remember the fun we used to have shaking the bottle? Hitting the bottom of it with the palms of our hands? Shoving a butter knife in the bottle to lovingly help it out? God those days were amazing.
So, I needed to know if I was the only one who had this feeling about the good ‘ol days of ketchup, so I decided to ask a paint huffer I see everyday downtown while I wait for the train. Here’s what he had to say:

I’m a Golden Warrior! Where’s the closest Ace Hardware?

Me: Have you heard about Heinz Tomato Ketchup being sold in the old school glass bottles again?
Huffer: Hey man weren’t you here yesterday or something?
Me: Yes, I’m here most weekdays, and so are you.
Huffer: I am? Wait! What is this? I didn’t do shit man!! Are you trying to steal my magical golden paper bag?
Me: No, no. I just want to know what you think about the ketchup being sold in bottles again.
Huffer: Man, listen to me and listen closely. (Whispers) I know what they do to ketchup, I was there man! I used to work in a factory where they had monkeys, TONS of monkeys … and they’d just run around the joint and eat tomatoes all day, it was soooooooooo weird man, they would just eat them all crazy like, like fuckin’ zombies, and tomato guts were just everywhere, dripping down their chins, all in their fur, and they’d jump up and down and scream this horrible horrible scream, just like mommy used to do when she and her weekly manfriend would come home from the bar and they’d play “naked couch” and mommy would turn into a horse, but the details of that aren’t clear since I was only 5, but yeah man … those goddamn monkeys, and those fucking tomatoes and then after they ate so much, to the point of almost bursting, they’d all get on this cartoon-like conveyer belt and … IT’S MONKEY SHIT!! THAT GODDAMN KETCHUP IS MONKEY SHIT BITCH!! … Whoa man … sorry, I need to look inside my magic golden paperbag for a second.
Me: You know what? You better let me have a look inside that bag too, because that’s the kind of ketchup story I want to tell my grandkids.

NFL’s Unluckiest Photographer Retires

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Barry Kalinowski, the world’s most unlucky NFL football photographer, surprisingly announced his retirement today after covering the game for 34 years.

After graduating from Albuquerque Technical Vocational Institute (TVI) in 1975, Barry started his photography career at Picture Your Pet, a small studio in Roswell, New Mexico.  “Dogs were impossible.  Those dang dogs would just never hold still.  I used squeaky toys, tennis balls, even dang doggy treats, but all they wanted to do was sniff everything, lay on the ground or lift their leg.  And cats were impossible.  This one time somebody brought in an Alpaca , and I tell you what, that thing was the nicest most cooperative vicugna I’ve ever worked with.  That dang thing did spit once though.”

Barry lovingly calls this one "The Spitter"

Barry got his first break in sports photography at a girls high school basketball game in 1978.  “I was there to see my niece play basketball, and when I took out my camera and started taking pictures from the bleachers, I got a lot of strange looks from parents.  A man approached me after the game and said he would pay me cash money for some copies of a few certain pictures, and he would get me in touch with a guy he knew that did photography for the NFL and ‘other things’.”  After the $25 exchange a week later for the pictures, and a business card for Tom Smith of Tom’s Vignettes, Barry had finally hit pay dirt when Smith got him a part time gig taking action photos of the newly formed expansion team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  “Man that team sucked ass!  When I started, their record over two years was 2-26.  They were so bad I never had to use any film because they never made any good plays to take pictures of.  I think I was their lucky charm though, because the following year they were one game away from making it into the Super Bowl.”  Unfortunately for the Bucs, they lost to the Rams, and that same year Barry lost his job in Tampa.  “I didn’t really care, I was embarrassed of the team, and since I only used one roll of film in three years, it was no skin off my teeth.”

Shortly after his layoff, Kalinowski got a call from a friend who had just landed a photo gig with the San Francisco 49ers, and they were in need of another field photographer.

"The Catch" - A picture Barry didn't take

“For whatever reason, I just had really bad timing when it came to taking good action pictures.  Those guys are really fast.  It seemed that every time I would need to reload the film, something spectacular would happen, and sometimes I would leave the lens cap on.  I would usually get the celebration after the play, and I was really becoming skilled at getting crowd shots when they would cheer.”

His defining moment as the world’s unluckiest sports photographer came in 1981 when the 49ers were playing the Dallas Cowboys for the NFC championship.  “I had been drinking a lot of Gatorade that game because I was a bit dehydrated from a stomach flu bout.  There were only :58 seconds left in the game and the 49ers were on the 6 yard line looking to score to potentially win the game.  I couldn’t hold it any longer and had to drain the lizard.

As I was standing at the urinal, I heard a huge roar from the crowd, so I zipped up, ran out and grabbed my camera.  My buddy Walter Iooss said he just got a great picture of an incredible catch.  Luckily for me I got pictures of people reacting to what is now known as ‘The Catch’”.

Kalinowski's most famous picture "Behind the Post"

Barry would spend the rest of his illustrious career missing many memorable NFL plays like Tony Dorsett’s 99 yard TD run (dead batteries), Billy “White Shoes” Johnson’s hail mary catch (sneezing attack) and David Tyree’s helmet catch in Super Bowl XLII (stuck in concession stand line).  Barry is best known for his pictures of cheerleaders, team mascots and goal posts.

“Those dang mascots would just never hold still.”

NFL's Unluckiest Photographer Retires

Posted on

Barry Kalinowski, the world’s most unlucky NFL football photographer, surprisingly announced his retirement today after covering the game for 34 years.

After graduating from Albuquerque Technical Vocational Institute (TVI) in 1975, Barry started his photography career at Picture Your Pet, a small studio in Roswell, New Mexico.  “Dogs were impossible.  Those dang dogs would just never hold still.  I used squeaky toys, tennis balls, even dang doggy treats, but all they wanted to do was sniff everything, lay on the ground or lift their leg.  And cats were impossible.  This one time somebody brought in an Alpaca , and I tell you what, that thing was the nicest most cooperative vicugna I’ve ever worked with.  That dang thing did spit once though.”

Barry lovingly calls this one "The Spitter"

Barry got his first break in sports photography at a girls high school basketball game in 1978.  “I was there to see my niece play basketball, and when I took out my camera and started taking pictures from the bleachers, I got a lot of strange looks from parents.  A man approached me after the game and said he would pay me cash money for some copies of a few certain pictures, and he would get me in touch with a guy he knew that did photography for the NFL and ‘other things’.”  After the $25 exchange a week later for the pictures, and a business card for Tom Smith of Tom’s Vignettes, Barry had finally hit pay dirt when Smith got him a part time gig taking action photos of the newly formed expansion team, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  “Man that team sucked ass!  When I started, their record over two years was 2-26.  They were so bad I never had to use any film because they never made any good plays to take pictures of.  I think I was their lucky charm though, because the following year they were one game away from making it into the Super Bowl.”  Unfortunately for the Bucs, they lost to the Rams, and that same year Barry lost his job in Tampa.  “I didn’t really care, I was embarrassed of the team, and since I only used one roll of film in three years, it was no skin off my teeth.”

Shortly after his layoff, Kalinowski got a call from a friend who had just landed a photo gig with the San Francisco 49ers, and they were in need of another field photographer.

"The Catch" - A picture Barry didn't take

“For whatever reason, I just had really bad timing when it came to taking good action pictures.  Those guys are really fast.  It seemed that every time I would need to reload the film, something spectacular would happen, and sometimes I would leave the lens cap on.  I would usually get the celebration after the play, and I was really becoming skilled at getting crowd shots when they would cheer.”

His defining moment as the world’s unluckiest sports photographer came in 1981 when the 49ers were playing the Dallas Cowboys for the NFC championship.  “I had been drinking a lot of Gatorade that game because I was a bit dehydrated from a stomach flu bout.  There were only :58 seconds left in the game and the 49ers were on the 6 yard line looking to score to potentially win the game.  I couldn’t hold it any longer and had to drain the lizard.

As I was standing at the urinal, I heard a huge roar from the crowd, so I zipped up, ran out and grabbed my camera.  My buddy Walter Iooss said he just got a great picture of an incredible catch.  Luckily for me I got pictures of people reacting to what is now known as ‘The Catch’”.

Kalinowski's most famous picture "Behind the Post"

Barry would spend the rest of his illustrious career missing many memorable NFL plays like Tony Dorsett’s 99 yard TD run (dead batteries), Billy “White Shoes” Johnson’s hail mary catch (sneezing attack) and David Tyree’s helmet catch in Super Bowl XLII (stuck in concession stand line).  Barry is best known for his pictures of cheerleaders, team mascots and goal posts.

“Those dang mascots would just never hold still.”