Hollywood
Happy Birthday iPhone, You Skinny Bitch
Wow, I can’t believe that it’s been four whole years since we started dating. It only seems like yesterday when your camera only had 2 megapixels and you still had your cute baby fat which I was really attracted to. You were such a simpler girlfriend back then, so much nicer, you used to be so attentive to my needs, God I miss those days. Over the years you’ve changed. You started working out, tanning, getting your hair colored and even started yoga even though you said you hated it. You’ve started dressing different now that you’re so svelte and it seems you hardly even notice me anymore since you’ve become so “Hollywood”. I’ve just become “that guy who carries me around”, and that really hurts because I have a name damnit.
I remember when you used to weigh 135 grams. Yes I said it, I know you don’t want anyone to know how big you used to be, but since our relationship is going downhill, I’m going to air out all of our dirty laundry right here, right now! I used to lovingly lug you around in my pocket, and trust me it wasn’t easy back then, but sacrifice is how relationships work. I loved you, and you loved me and nothing else mattered. But now you have competition with that new sexy Android slut, and even though I would never look at her in a lustful way, your jealousy is getting the best of you. I understand if you’re looking for a way out of what we have, but let me tell you, you’re making a huge mistake. She’s sexy yes, but you are my true love! True, I may have held her a couple of times and commented on her gigantic screen, but none of that matters. You’re way hotter than her. I don’t care if you enlarged your screens, got lasik surgery for better sight, increased your knowledge with those fancy French and pottery classes you’ve been taking. I don’t care that you’ve lost 3.5 mm from your waist, I used to adore those cute love handles. Remember how I would grab on to those babies? Smacking that ass, your loud ringtones going off, and how hot your battery charger used to get when I was all up in … sorry … I’m losing focus, but you know what I mean.
I hope this letter reaches you well, and I really do hope that you’ve found your true happiness out there wherever it may be. But just know that there’s a guy out there that still really cares about you regardless of what you look like, because he knows the real you and I don’t even care that you’ve gained 2 grams over the years. A guy who will always be there for you if you ever choose to return, and still smiles when he thinks about the fun times we used to have in the car with Shazam.
Happy Birthday
Media, It’s What’s For Dinner
Whenever I want to feel good about life, I change the channel; when I want to feel bad, same thing. Zone out, be entertained, updated, shocked, every emotion that I don’t want to look up right now: change the channel. Now the one thing I didn’t say was,
FIRST I turn on the TV. I didn’t have to. That damn thing is always on, and I’m sure it’s the same for the rest of America as well, right? You don’t have to lie, we’re all friends here. It’s on and it’s telling us what we need to know, what we’re supposed to know, and if it’s not on TV, it doesn’t exist.
So to the media, I’d like to send out a heartfelt “thank you”. Thank you for only scaring me for as long as you think I can handle it, and then with the precise timing of a Swiss watch, you yank all the bad stuff away so I know that everything is alright in the world again. Thanks for making all the horrific things of this world easier to digest by throwing a few of Hollywood’s finest at it with some sort of musical benefit and with their sincere words of empathy, so I can watch, smile and know that since Angelina is on the scene, everything will be just fine.
So with that, I’d like to say, don’t worry natural disasters, we haven’t forgot about you, we just got a little bored with you, but only because you’re not getting coverage, because I do care, and I WOULD send some money via a text if I had some extra. Seriously! But don’t worry, we’ll hear about you again when somebody needs to revive their singing/acting career and you’ll be popular again. Hang in there!
Media, It's What's For Dinner
FIRST I turn on the TV. I didn’t have to. That damn thing is always on, and I’m sure it’s the same for the rest of America as well, right? You don’t have to lie, we’re all friends here. It’s on and it’s telling us what we need to know, what we’re supposed to know, and if it’s not on TV, it doesn’t exist.
So to the media, I’d like to send out a heartfelt “thank you”. Thank you for only scaring me for as long as you think I can handle it, and then with the precise timing of a Swiss watch, you yank all the bad stuff away so I know that everything is alright in the world again. Thanks for making all the horrific things of this world easier to digest by throwing a few of Hollywood’s finest at it with some sort of musical benefit and with their sincere words of empathy, so I can watch, smile and know that since Angelina is on the scene, everything will be just fine.
So with that, I’d like to say, don’t worry natural disasters, we haven’t forgot about you, we just got a little bored with you, but only because you’re not getting coverage, because I do care, and I WOULD send some money via a text if I had some extra. Seriously! But don’t worry, we’ll hear about you again when somebody needs to revive their singing/acting career and you’ll be popular again. Hang in there!
Van Full of Candy 