football

This Didn’t Happen Today in History — December 16th

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December 16th 1362 —

King Gretch the Least Boil Covered, ruler of Low Slopshire, was propped up in the window of Pox Castle to gurgle incoherently at his dead and dying subjects for what turned out to be his final address. His feverish ramblings meandered from the subject of the appropriate waiting period after the death of a spouse to engage in bestial congress, to a detailed list of the exact color and location of all of the open wounds festering on his body, and the names that he called them when he was alone late at night and the sounds of his subjects’ death rattles cascading across the plains paused briefly enough for him to contemplate their miserable existence.

Midway through his description of the demon floating before him, just outside his window, King Gretch seized up solid, biting clean through his tongue, tumbled through the window after it to the runny, puss laced muck at the foot of the castle below.

His subjects ate well that morning as the flesh that was left on the King’s gangly frame pulled easily from the bone and tasted much less of grime and sadness than their usual meals of fetid soil.

This Didn't Happen Today in History — December 16th

Posted on

December 16th 1362 —

King Gretch the Least Boil Covered, ruler of Low Slopshire, was propped up in the window of Pox Castle to gurgle incoherently at his dead and dying subjects for what turned out to be his final address. His feverish ramblings meandered from the subject of the appropriate waiting period after the death of a spouse to engage in bestial congress, to a detailed list of the exact color and location of all of the open wounds festering on his body, and the names that he called them when he was alone late at night and the sounds of his subjects’ death rattles cascading across the plains paused briefly enough for him to contemplate their miserable existence.

Midway through his description of the demon floating before him, just outside his window, King Gretch seized up solid, biting clean through his tongue, tumbled through the window after it to the runny, puss laced muck at the foot of the castle below.

His subjects ate well that morning as the flesh that was left on the King’s gangly frame pulled easily from the bone and tasted much less of grime and sadness than their usual meals of fetid soil.

This Didn’t Happen Today in History — February 6th

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February 6th 1921 —

The Rochester Football Men defeated the North Dakota Grinnin’ Injuns 68-11 in Super Game VI. Most Valuable Player, Football Men Quarterman Shifty Irish O’Doul passed for 0.42 hectares and 8 touch goals, all while having been partially blinded in the team’s pre-game wood grain alcohol balloon fight. Grinnin’ Injuns Runningman, Able Plotsky was on his way to a record making day on the playing field, running for 0.13 hectares in the first four innings of play before being murdered dead in the middle of the stadium by a single gunshot wound to the throat, courtesy of Football Men Defensiveman, Deke Lillard; a play that cost Lillard’s Football Men a five yard infraction of legal play punishment and a loss of one third of their team’s remaining water rations.

This Didn't Happen Today in History — February 6th

Posted on

February 6th 1921 —

The Rochester Football Men defeated the North Dakota Grinnin’ Injuns 68-11 in Super Game VI. Most Valuable Player, Football Men Quarterman Shifty Irish O’Doul passed for 0.42 hectares and 8 touch goals, all while having been partially blinded in the team’s pre-game wood grain alcohol balloon fight. Grinnin’ Injuns Runningman, Able Plotsky was on his way to a record making day on the playing field, running for 0.13 hectares in the first four innings of play before being murdered dead in the middle of the stadium by a single gunshot wound to the throat, courtesy of Football Men Defensiveman, Deke Lillard; a play that cost Lillard’s Football Men a five yard infraction of legal play punishment and a loss of one third of their team’s remaining water rations.