Pakistan

Meet CNN’s Newest Correspondent: Pec Flexman

Posted on Updated on

I have a pretty steady routine when it comes to looking for things on the internet to yell at every other day on our webbed site internets log page. I have a few regular news sources that I scour for the most inane, ridiculous, mind rapingly dumb news stories of the day. Naturally I start right off the top with FoxNews.com. I usually have to look no further than our trusty friends at Fox to find something yell-at-able. Failing Fox’s usual failings, I then move on to Yahoo, or CNN, or any other random news outlet.

Well, today in my search for the newsworthiest piece of newsesque newsery, I was stopped by CNN.com.

The headlines were all pretty much the same things that I’d seen as I trolled the other sites, nothing too Earth shattering: “Joe Frasier Knocked Underground by Undisputed Champion, ‘Big C'”, “Unjailable Celbri-cunt Poses Un-nude for Jerk Mag” and “Lady Famous Only For Making Babies Shocks World With Announcement of ‘Nother Baby Bein’ Made”. But as I scrolled down the page looking for something worth while I came upon something that stopped me in my tracks. See if you can spot it in this actual, un-doctored screen grab from the CNN.com web site…

Gay penguins... that's adorably against God...
Gay penguins... that's adorably against God...

Sure, the hotly contested debate on the continued efficacy of Daylight Saving Time was certainly something on which I had two or three cents to share (how much longer must we continue to live under the tyranny of Big Barbeque?!). Which Lennon’s tooth was sold for $31,200, the communist or the one not in the Beatles. Or even the beauty of dog on horse love. But what really confused and excited my confusible and exctiational parts was the third thumbnail from the right under the banner of “From our shows”. Now, it’s admittedly been a while since I’ve sat down with a bowl of freshly popped popping corn and enjoyed a good long night of CNNing, so it’s quite possible that in my stead Wolf Blitzer’s really been Blitzin’ the inclined bench, but it seems more likely that this was a fresh new face in the CNN afternoon lineup.

Now, sure, it does say underneath the photo that it is an “Advertisement” but really, that’s what all of those links are. They’re clips from specific shows promoting said program, i.e. “Advertisements”. And there’s no text accompanying the picture, no “Buy muscle oil, pussy” or “1-900-ASS-STUD is waiting”. Nothing, so the only thing I can think is that the web master at CNN.com simply failed to add the story blurb to the lower third of the show promo. I trust and respect CNN.com far too much to simply let this over looked promotional opportunity pass, so I am going to now attempt to correct this “mistakeportunity” and help CNN promote it’s new hit program “The Fact Press with Pec Flexman”

Pec reacts to excalating tensions in the Middle East.
Pec reacts to escalating tensions in the Middle East.
Pec asks the questions on every American's mind but other pundits are too afraid to ask.
Pec asks the questions on every American's mind but other pundits are too afraid to ask.
Investigative reporting that only Pec Flexman can squat out.
Investigative reporting that only Pec Flexman can squat out.
Posturing continues in North Korea, and only the "Fact Press" calls the madman to task.
Posturing continues in North Korea, and only the "Fact Press" calls the madman to task.
All of the news of the day gets the Flexman "Max Out".
All of the news of the day gets the Flexman "Max Out".
Even allies are held to the fire in Pec's "No Bullshit Zizone".
Even allies are held to the fire in Pec's "No Bullshit Zizone".

I personally am super pumped to be here for the debut of the “Fact Press” and look forward to more in depth no nonsense reporting from a pundit who won’t take shit from any scrawny prick in a god damned tie who couldn’t bench three bills if his nuts depended on it. Pec Flexman, CNN, 7:30. Watch it, or fuckin’ suck.

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Meet CNN's Newest Correspondent: Pec Flexman

Posted on

I have a pretty steady routine when it comes to looking for things on the internet to yell at every other day on our webbed site internets log page. I have a few regular news sources that I scour for the most inane, ridiculous, mind rapingly dumb news stories of the day. Naturally I start right off the top with FoxNews.com. I usually have to look no further than our trusty friends at Fox to find something yell-at-able. Failing Fox’s usual failings, I then move on to Yahoo, or CNN, or any other random news outlet.

Well, today in my search for the newsworthiest piece of newsesque newsery, I was stopped by CNN.com.

The headlines were all pretty much the same things that I’d seen as I trolled the other sites, nothing too Earth shattering: “Joe Frasier Knocked Underground by Undisputed Champion, ‘Big C'”, “Unjailable Celbri-cunt Poses Un-nude for Jerk Mag” and “Lady Famous Only For Making Babies Shocks World With Announcement of ‘Nother Baby Bein’ Made”. But as I scrolled down the page looking for something worth while I came upon something that stopped me in my tracks. See if you can spot it in this actual, un-doctored screen grab from the CNN.com web site…

Gay penguins... that's adorably against God...
Gay penguins… that’s adorably against God…

Sure, the hotly contested debate on the continued efficacy of Daylight Saving Time was certainly something on which I had two or three cents to share (how much longer must we continue to live under the tyranny of Big Barbeque?!). Which Lennon’s tooth was sold for $31,200, the communist or the one not in the Beatles. Or even the beauty of dog on horse love. But what really confused and excited my confusible and exctiational parts was the third thumbnail from the right under the banner of “From our shows”. Now, it’s admittedly been a while since I’ve sat down with a bowl of freshly popped popping corn and enjoyed a good long night of CNNing, so it’s quite possible that in my stead Wolf Blitzer’s really been Blitzin’ the inclined bench, but it seems more likely that this was a fresh new face in the CNN afternoon lineup.

Now, sure, it does say underneath the photo that it is an “Advertisement” but really, that’s what all of those links are. They’re clips from specific shows promoting said program, i.e. “Advertisements”. And there’s no text accompanying the picture, no “Buy muscle oil, pussy” or “1-900-ASS-STUD is waiting”. Nothing, so the only thing I can think is that the web master at CNN.com simply failed to add the story blurb to the lower third of the show promo. I trust and respect CNN.com far too much to simply let this over looked promotional opportunity pass, so I am going to now attempt to correct this “mistakeportunity” and help CNN promote it’s new hit program “The Fact Press with Pec Flexman”

Pec reacts to excalating tensions in the Middle East.
Pec reacts to escalating tensions in the Middle East.
Pec asks the questions on every American's mind but other pundits are too afraid to ask.
Pec asks the questions on every American’s mind but other pundits are too afraid to ask.
Investigative reporting that only Pec Flexman can squat out.
Investigative reporting that only Pec Flexman can squat out.
Posturing continues in North Korea, and only the "Fact Press" calls the madman to task.
Posturing continues in North Korea, and only the “Fact Press” calls the madman to task.
All of the news of the day gets the Flexman "Max Out".
All of the news of the day gets the Flexman “Max Out”.
Even allies are held to the fire in Pec's "No Bullshit Zizone".
Even allies are held to the fire in Pec’s “No Bullshit Zizone”.

I personally am super pumped to be here for the debut of the “Fact Press” and look forward to more in depth no nonsense reporting from a pundit who won’t take shit from any scrawny prick in a god damned tie who couldn’t bench three bills if his nuts depended on it. Pec Flexman, CNN, 7:30. Watch it, or fuckin’ suck.

Osama bin Jackin’: The Diary of the “Little Terrorist”‘s Mind

Posted on Updated on

Osama bin Laden was just like you and me. Wait. No. What I meant to say is that, you’re no different than Osama bin Laden. NO! No, that’s not it. Okay, let me start over.

Oh the naughty things that happen behind those walls

Osama bin Laden’s penis. It existed. So does yours. If you were born with one. Or if yours wasn’t lost in a horrible accident that you have changed the details of to sound much tougher than we all really know it was. The point is, Osama bin Laden was a man, a terror man, but a man none the less, and as such, he had a collection of pornography that “consists of modern, electronically recorded video and is fairly extensive”. Or so says Reuters. That’s right, when he wasn’t plotting ways to terrorize otherwise peace loving citizens of the world, he was terrorizing his Jihad junk, in what I can only imagine were dry, sandy, angry sessions of joyless, medically prescribed masturbation sessions. Mostly because when I try to think of it any other way, my brain turns off to protect me from myself and I wake up several hours later in a pool of what ever was in me before I went out.

It's always a surprise inside the dirty dirty burqa!

Of course this is the main reason I hope I’m not killed in a raid on my compound by highly trained military personnel… The embarrassing shit of mine they’ll find… And because I mostly haven’t done anything to warrant such action against me, but mostly because of the embarrassing thing…

But not surprisingly to those who know and understand us by now, we at Van Full of Candy have been able to obtain a list of the confiscated collection through one of our MANY friends in the special operations fields of our nation’s armed forces. We’re big with people who can murder you almost accidentally. So VFoC is proud to present just a very small sampling of some of Osama bin Laden’s personal compound stash entitled: “Osama bin Jackin’: The Pornographic Diary of a Big Terrorist’s “Little Terrorist”‘s Mind.”

“Adiba Does Abbottabad”

In the dusty footsteps of the ongoing saga of the ever popular “Debbie Does Dallas” series, Malik Productions introduces the latest Middle East version. Filmed on location in Abbottabad, this latest chapter follows the sexcapades of a young, hot, rogue, lady of the night as she explores as many Pakistani army men as one desert-hooker can possibly handle, and with a surprise ending that will leave you breathless and sandy in your crevices.

Starring: Foxy Fadiyah, Big Bahir, Ishaq and Salim Stone

“Over Privileged Infidel Cows Gone Wild”

It’s Spring Break and the painted whores of the decadent west are AT IT AGAIN! See them prance about, baring their disgusting flesh for the lascivious enjoyment of the gathered throngs… and YOU! Then, when they get back to the hotel, see ’em defiling their bodies, wantonly dishonoring their families and ancestors ALL, NIGHT, LONG!

Starring: The yellow haired hussy, the ginger whore, that one who does that horrible thing in the shower and a cast of hundreds of sub human dogs.

“The Towers Twins Explode (Squirter Edition)”

Those hot, sexy, twins of the desert, Pixi Towers and Candy Towers are at it once again! In some of the hottest scenes ever captured on a magic carpet, these girls will blow your mind while they blow their geysers. So sit back, relax, throw on your snorkel gear and grab a seriously absorbent towel, cause it’s about to get explodingly wet up in here!

Starring: Pixi Towers, Candy Towers, Hung Habib and none other than Rafi the Rock

“Martyr Al Kahwai’s Heavenly Reward”

They may be 72 virgins, but you wouldn’t know it by how hot the action is! After exploding himself in a glorious attack on a food court full of non-believers, Yakish Al Kahwai awakens to find he’s late to the party and his 72 ladies have started without him! How will he ever catch up, he’s only got… ETERNITY!

Starring: Amtullah “Tah-tahs” Afsoon, Muffy Marjaneh, Bambi Banou and Hareesusa laykum Logjammer as Martyr Al Kahwai

“Glory Burqa – Hidden Surprises 2”

If you’re a fan of glory holes, then this is the movie for you. Three possibly beautiful women show up where you would least expect and many lucky little Jihadists get t0 explore their Glory Burqa. You never know what the heck is underneath, it’s the Russian Roulette of oral indulgence, but all you need to know is that this is the most orgasmic Burqa flick you’ll ever lay eyes on, not that that even matters since you can’t see them.

Starring: F Me Fayruz, “Lips” Rubaba, and introducing Tameemah the Tongue

“Beard on Beard: Hot Cave Action #64”

When you’re battling along side fellow Jihadists in the most inaccessible mountains in the world for decades on end, you develop a bond, closer than friends, deeper than brothers, hotter than lovers. It gets hot in the caves of Afghanistan, and when the sun goes down, so does Fareed.

Starring: Yaseen bin Schlong, Aalam Al Throbknob and Imam Suck Puppet bin Qaaid ul Ghur ul Muhjjaleen.

Osama bin Jackin': The Diary of the "Little Terrorist"'s Mind

Posted on

Osama bin Laden was just like you and me. Wait. No. What I meant to say is that, you’re no different than Osama bin Laden. NO! No, that’s not it. Okay, let me start over.

Oh the naughty things that happen behind those walls

Osama bin Laden’s penis. It existed. So does yours. If you were born with one. Or if yours wasn’t lost in a horrible accident that you have changed the details of to sound much tougher than we all really know it was. The point is, Osama bin Laden was a man, a terror man, but a man none the less, and as such, he had a collection of pornography that “consists of modern, electronically recorded video and is fairly extensive”. Or so says Reuters. That’s right, when he wasn’t plotting ways to terrorize otherwise peace loving citizens of the world, he was terrorizing his Jihad junk, in what I can only imagine were dry, sandy, angry sessions of joyless, medically prescribed masturbation sessions. Mostly because when I try to think of it any other way, my brain turns off to protect me from myself and I wake up several hours later in a pool of what ever was in me before I went out.

It’s always a surprise inside the dirty dirty burqa!

Of course this is the main reason I hope I’m not killed in a raid on my compound by highly trained military personnel… The embarrassing shit of mine they’ll find… And because I mostly haven’t done anything to warrant such action against me, but mostly because of the embarrassing thing…

But not surprisingly to those who know and understand us by now, we at Van Full of Candy have been able to obtain a list of the confiscated collection through one of our MANY friends in the special operations fields of our nation’s armed forces. We’re big with people who can murder you almost accidentally. So VFoC is proud to present just a very small sampling of some of Osama bin Laden’s personal compound stash entitled: “Osama bin Jackin’: The Pornographic Diary of a Big Terrorist’s “Little Terrorist”‘s Mind.”

“Adiba Does Abbottabad”

In the dusty footsteps of the ongoing saga of the ever popular “Debbie Does Dallas” series, Malik Productions introduces the latest Middle East version. Filmed on location in Abbottabad, this latest chapter follows the sexcapades of a young, hot, rogue, lady of the night as she explores as many Pakistani army men as one desert-hooker can possibly handle, and with a surprise ending that will leave you breathless and sandy in your crevices.

Starring: Foxy Fadiyah, Big Bahir, Ishaq and Salim Stone

“Over Privileged Infidel Cows Gone Wild”

It’s Spring Break and the painted whores of the decadent west are AT IT AGAIN! See them prance about, baring their disgusting flesh for the lascivious enjoyment of the gathered throngs… and YOU! Then, when they get back to the hotel, see ’em defiling their bodies, wantonly dishonoring their families and ancestors ALL, NIGHT, LONG!

Starring: The yellow haired hussy, the ginger whore, that one who does that horrible thing in the shower and a cast of hundreds of sub human dogs.

“The Towers Twins Explode (Squirter Edition)”

Those hot, sexy, twins of the desert, Pixi Towers and Candy Towers are at it once again! In some of the hottest scenes ever captured on a magic carpet, these girls will blow your mind while they blow their geysers. So sit back, relax, throw on your snorkel gear and grab a seriously absorbent towel, cause it’s about to get explodingly wet up in here!

Starring: Pixi Towers, Candy Towers, Hung Habib and none other than Rafi the Rock

“Martyr Al Kahwai’s Heavenly Reward”

They may be 72 virgins, but you wouldn’t know it by how hot the action is! After exploding himself in a glorious attack on a food court full of non-believers, Yakish Al Kahwai awakens to find he’s late to the party and his 72 ladies have started without him! How will he ever catch up, he’s only got… ETERNITY!

Starring: Amtullah “Tah-tahs” Afsoon, Muffy Marjaneh, Bambi Banou and Hareesusa laykum Logjammer as Martyr Al Kahwai

“Glory Burqa – Hidden Surprises 2”

If you’re a fan of glory holes, then this is the movie for you. Three possibly beautiful women show up where you would least expect and many lucky little Jihadists get t0 explore their Glory Burqa. You never know what the heck is underneath, it’s the Russian Roulette of oral indulgence, but all you need to know is that this is the most orgasmic Burqa flick you’ll ever lay eyes on, not that that even matters since you can’t see them.

Starring: F Me Fayruz, “Lips” Rubaba, and introducing Tameemah the Tongue

“Beard on Beard: Hot Cave Action #64”

When you’re battling along side fellow Jihadists in the most inaccessible mountains in the world for decades on end, you develop a bond, closer than friends, deeper than brothers, hotter than lovers. It gets hot in the caves of Afghanistan, and when the sun goes down, so does Fareed.

Starring: Yaseen bin Schlong, Aalam Al Throbknob and Imam Suck Puppet bin Qaaid ul Ghur ul Muhjjaleen.

Answering CNN’s Questions

Posted on

It almost looks like a question mark if you squint and cock your head and don't know what a question mark looks like...
It almost looks like a question mark if you kinda squint and cock your head and don't know what a question mark looks like...

Ya know, that CNN seems like a nice kid. They try to play it down the middle as much as they can, which unfortunately makes them less popular than their more opinionated, shouty news brothers. You don’t want to hang out with the guy who can listen, hear and understand both sides of the argument and attempt to offer you more information so that you can then make up your own mind based on the facts given to you. You want someone to yell in your face how the other guys want to murder your grandparents, using your children as weapons or how those guys over there are fucking idiots and want to give all of your money to big corporations so that they can buy the children of the poor with which to beat your grandparents to death.

CNN just wants you to know what’s going on.

But sometimes CNN doesn’t have all the answers. And it’s kind of a dick move for you to always expect them to. Any time you check in on the CNN website you’ll no doubt find the columns littered with headlines ending in a squiggly little “huh” period. So I thought I would help a brutha out. It was kind of a crazy news weekend, so I thought I would give something back and answer some of the questions they have on their home page.

Now, I’m a pretty busy guy myself. I’ve got… You know… That one thing that I said I should be doing. I probably won’t do it, but I might. I mean I could. So while I’m going to answer the questions on CNN’s home page, I’m not actually going to read any more of the article. Clearly CNN is just asking me these questions, expecting I should have some sort of fore knowledge, and I don’t want to look like a fucking idiot in front of CNN. So as I am asked, I will simply answer to the best of my ability and hope it’s what CNN was looking for. If not why ask me in the first fucking place?

So let’s sit right down CNN, have a little chitty chat, talk talk, ask me anything, don’t be shy. Tell me what’s on your mind.

Will bin Laden photos be released?

Well, there’ve been a lot of bin Laden photos released over the years. In fact your face is covered in ’em right now. But I assume that’s not what you meant. You’re trying to seem somewhat respectable when you ask me if the administration is going to show you Osama B’s ventilated cranium. I really couldn’t say if there’ll be any assassination porn handed our to any journo who can type with one hand, but probably. Hell, it didn’t take a day for people to already start calling bullshit on the whole thing and kicking up the conspiracy theories, asking where the body is like it’s up to Obama to hit a forty-eight state tent tour offering anyone who’s got the constitution and the steely resolve a chance to see the body of the terror man for one, measly, solitary quarter. That’s right folks, one quarter of a dollar gets you a peek at the tower toppler himself, laid out for all your approvalry! Toss in another two bits and Barry’ll prop ‘im up and take your picture with him lookin’ like he’s suckin’ you off in his stars and stripes head wrap! Step right up!

Bin Laden celebrations ‘overboard’?

Well, we are partyin’ for those who can not be here with us to party down. So how much is overboard? But speaking of “overboard”, I thought that sounded like a “Weekend at Bernie’s” sequel title, upon a google search it seems that I’m mistaken, but clearly, a missed opportunity, both for the movie making industry, and the Navy SEALs. Though, who knows how many camera phones are going to be locked away in time capsules by a group of brave soldiers who actually know how to keep their mouths shut? I’m sorry, that was a question, go on CNN, you were asking…

Will the Taliban make peace now?

Oh CNN, sweet, stupid CNN. Yes, the Taliban will most certainly make peace, so long as “peace” is the name of the next crudely assembled suppository bomb the next crazy air traveling attempted martyr will inexplicably ask their row mate to light for them as they scoot their dirty sweat pants down in their aisle seat.

Debt ceiling: Are you freaking out yet?

Am I- what? Should I be? What am I not freaking out about that I should be!? What’s going on!? I just had my debt floor refinished, now you’re telling me I need to shit my pants about my dept ceiling already!? What about my debt roof? Is my debt roof leaking too? Well at least I find out in spring when it’ll be cheaper. Try getting your debt roof fixed in a fucking rain storm and then see how much your debt furniture suffers.

Can the U.S. trust Pakistan?

What? Come on, the most wanted man in the entire known universe was just hiding out 40 miles from their nation’s capital and only 1000 yards from their military’s most venerable training institution. Clearly… what was your question again?

Should moms post kids’ pix online?

You know what CNN? This shit sounds like entrapment and I really don’t fucking appreciate it! Asking a guy in a Van Full of Candy if mothers should post “pix” (a clear code word if I’ve ever heard one) of not just their kids, but kids in general online. Shame on you CNN, shame on you for knowing me so well.

Is this the host of ‘X Factor’?

Who? Me? Oh, come now, now you’re just being silly CNN. I mean, I’m honored, really I am, but I couldn’t. Between, you know, that thing, the one that I should be doing instead of answering your inane questions, and… that other… something. Where would I find the time? I appreciate the thought though CNN, it’s good to know I still haven’t lost it.

Child asks: Are the wars over?

Aww, look at you. You adorable little thing. Of course the wars are over. All the wars in the world, everywhere. And you know what’s also over? Sunshine and breathing. That’s right. We killed the one person in the world who’s ever wanted to war with anyone over anything. It’s all patty cake and ice cream from here on out! Unless of course someone decides that they and only they were promised the ice cream and that anyone else’s presence in this bowl is a direct attack on their ability to ever enjoy that ice cream ever again or any of the other ice cream promised to them after the end of this bowl. In which case, it’s fuckin’ awn!

What’s next for the Royal Couple?

I imagine the new Duke and Duchess are probably taking turns fucking each other with enormous piles of money… Get back to them in June, things should calm down by then.

Answering CNN's Questions

Posted on

It almost looks like a question mark if you squint and cock your head and don't know what a question mark looks like...
It almost looks like a question mark if you kinda squint and cock your head and don’t know what a question mark looks like…

Ya know, that CNN seems like a nice kid. They try to play it down the middle as much as they can, which unfortunately makes them less popular than their more opinionated, shouty news brothers. You don’t want to hang out with the guy who can listen, hear and understand both sides of the argument and attempt to offer you more information so that you can then make up your own mind based on the facts given to you. You want someone to yell in your face how the other guys want to murder your grandparents, using your children as weapons or how those guys over there are fucking idiots and want to give all of your money to big corporations so that they can buy the children of the poor with which to beat your grandparents to death.

CNN just wants you to know what’s going on.

But sometimes CNN doesn’t have all the answers. And it’s kind of a dick move for you to always expect them to. Any time you check in on the CNN website you’ll no doubt find the columns littered with headlines ending in a squiggly little “huh” period. So I thought I would help a brutha out. It was kind of a crazy news weekend, so I thought I would give something back and answer some of the questions they have on their home page.

Now, I’m a pretty busy guy myself. I’ve got… You know… That one thing that I said I should be doing. I probably won’t do it, but I might. I mean I could. So while I’m going to answer the questions on CNN’s home page, I’m not actually going to read any more of the article. Clearly CNN is just asking me these questions, expecting I should have some sort of fore knowledge, and I don’t want to look like a fucking idiot in front of CNN. So as I am asked, I will simply answer to the best of my ability and hope it’s what CNN was looking for. If not why ask me in the first fucking place?

So let’s sit right down CNN, have a little chitty chat, talk talk, ask me anything, don’t be shy. Tell me what’s on your mind.

Will bin Laden photos be released?

Well, there’ve been a lot of bin Laden photos released over the years. In fact your face is covered in ’em right now. But I assume that’s not what you meant. You’re trying to seem somewhat respectable when you ask me if the administration is going to show you Osama B’s ventilated cranium. I really couldn’t say if there’ll be any assassination porn handed our to any journo who can type with one hand, but probably. Hell, it didn’t take a day for people to already start calling bullshit on the whole thing and kicking up the conspiracy theories, asking where the body is like it’s up to Obama to hit a forty-eight state tent tour offering anyone who’s got the constitution and the steely resolve a chance to see the body of the terror man for one, measly, solitary quarter. That’s right folks, one quarter of a dollar gets you a peek at the tower toppler himself, laid out for all your approvalry! Toss in another two bits and Barry’ll prop ‘im up and take your picture with him lookin’ like he’s suckin’ you off in his stars and stripes head wrap! Step right up!

Bin Laden celebrations ‘overboard’?

Well, we are partyin’ for those who can not be here with us to party down. So how much is overboard? But speaking of “overboard”, I thought that sounded like a “Weekend at Bernie’s” sequel title, upon a google search it seems that I’m mistaken, but clearly, a missed opportunity, both for the movie making industry, and the Navy SEALs. Though, who knows how many camera phones are going to be locked away in time capsules by a group of brave soldiers who actually know how to keep their mouths shut? I’m sorry, that was a question, go on CNN, you were asking…

Will the Taliban make peace now?

Oh CNN, sweet, stupid CNN. Yes, the Taliban will most certainly make peace, so long as “peace” is the name of the next crudely assembled suppository bomb the next crazy air traveling attempted martyr will inexplicably ask their row mate to light for them as they scoot their dirty sweat pants down in their aisle seat.

Debt ceiling: Are you freaking out yet?

Am I- what? Should I be? What am I not freaking out about that I should be!? What’s going on!? I just had my debt floor refinished, now you’re telling me I need to shit my pants about my dept ceiling already!? What about my debt roof? Is my debt roof leaking too? Well at least I find out in spring when it’ll be cheaper. Try getting your debt roof fixed in a fucking rain storm and then see how much your debt furniture suffers.

Can the U.S. trust Pakistan?

What? Come on, the most wanted man in the entire known universe was just hiding out 40 miles from their nation’s capital and only 1000 yards from their military’s most venerable training institution. Clearly… what was your question again?

Should moms post kids’ pix online?

You know what CNN? This shit sounds like entrapment and I really don’t fucking appreciate it! Asking a guy in a Van Full of Candy if mothers should post “pix” (a clear code word if I’ve ever heard one) of not just their kids, but kids in general online. Shame on you CNN, shame on you for knowing me so well.

Is this the host of ‘X Factor’?

Who? Me? Oh, come now, now you’re just being silly CNN. I mean, I’m honored, really I am, but I couldn’t. Between, you know, that thing, the one that I should be doing instead of answering your inane questions, and… that other… something. Where would I find the time? I appreciate the thought though CNN, it’s good to know I still haven’t lost it.

Child asks: Are the wars over?

Aww, look at you. You adorable little thing. Of course the wars are over. All the wars in the world, everywhere. And you know what’s also over? Sunshine and breathing. That’s right. We killed the one person in the world who’s ever wanted to war with anyone over anything. It’s all patty cake and ice cream from here on out! Unless of course someone decides that they and only they were promised the ice cream and that anyone else’s presence in this bowl is a direct attack on their ability to ever enjoy that ice cream ever again or any of the other ice cream promised to them after the end of this bowl. In which case, it’s fuckin’ awn!

What’s next for the Royal Couple?

I imagine the new Duke and Duchess are probably taking turns fucking each other with enormous piles of money… Get back to them in June, things should calm down by then.