science

Australia’s Great White Shark Is a Weak Ass Bitch

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Australian scientists uncovered the eyes of a 500 million year old super predator who dominated the oceans and would be considered in today’s standards, the great white shark of noicepolyolithiorianlike times. Now you’re probably wondering what the hell just finding the eyes has any relevance to this great white Australian discovery right? Well it’s because prior to this only the body of the Anomalocaris, which name I neglected to mention earlier, but figured it didn’t matter much because who really gives a shit about the names of dinosaurs, amoebas and state capitals … had been found until the alwayslookingtomaketheircountrylookbetter scientists among others of Australia decided to let this story go to show that this who has the bigger dick contest is still on, but didn’t realize that size really matters.

The eyes, don’t look into they eyes !! The Medusa of predatorial fish, the Anomalocaris had 16,000 lenses in each eye, fives times the amount of the ordinary everyday housefly. This muthafukkin barraccuda could see the muthafukkin future, but one thing it didn’t see was the ice … all that ice that buried it’s oracle ass deep in the mud off the Australian coast. Now here comes the kicker … this megakiller, this “great white shark”, this predator of predators who had no equal measured a killer whale size of a whopping 3 feet in length. Three feet? This is the horrible monster that Australia brags to take on America’s JAWS? Oh, Australia, here’s another kick to the groin, we already have a landshark with eyes that big …

Australia's Great White Shark Is a Weak Ass Bitch

Posted on

Australian scientists uncovered the eyes of a 500 million year old super predator who dominated the oceans and would be considered in today’s standards, the great white shark of noicepolyolithiorianlike times. Now you’re probably wondering what the hell just finding the eyes has any relevance to this great white Australian discovery right? Well it’s because prior to this only the body of the Anomalocaris, which name I neglected to mention earlier, but figured it didn’t matter much because who really gives a shit about the names of dinosaurs, amoebas and state capitals … had been found until the alwayslookingtomaketheircountrylookbetter scientists among others of Australia decided to let this story go to show that this who has the bigger dick contest is still on, but didn’t realize that size really matters.

The eyes, don’t look into they eyes !! The Medusa of predatorial fish, the Anomalocaris had 16,000 lenses in each eye, fives times the amount of the ordinary everyday housefly. This muthafukkin barraccuda could see the muthafukkin future, but one thing it didn’t see was the ice … all that ice that buried it’s oracle ass deep in the mud off the Australian coast. Now here comes the kicker … this megakiller, this “great white shark”, this predator of predators who had no equal measured a killer whale size of a whopping 3 feet in length. Three feet? This is the horrible monster that Australia brags to take on America’s JAWS? Oh, Australia, here’s another kick to the groin, we already have a landshark with eyes that big …

This Time For Realzies: Judgement Day, Part 2: The Judgementing

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Uh-oh, remember back in May, how the world was supposed to end with a bunch of goody goodies floating up into heaven and flashing their balls at us? And then remember how that didn’t happen and it was all hilarious? And remember how we all laughed at the guy who said the world was going to end with sack flashing god flights? And he was all like, “Well fuck you, it did happen, it was just invisible and you’ll see in six months when you’re starin’ up at my taint!” And we were all like, “Yeah, what ever crazy man, go be crazy somewhere else while we get back to not worrying about angry invisible rapture.”

"Who's got two thumbs and is gonna fuck your shit up? This God!"
"Who's got two thumbs and is gonna fuck your shit up? This God!"

Well, do you remember what day he said it was going to really happen for realzies this time? Well you know who DOES remember? Jesus.

Tomorrow, at “when ever you see believers in the sky” o’clock, this stupid little stupid planet full of stupid is gonna be over! It’s really going to happen this time! Seriously guys!

Have you noticed how many earthquakes there’ve been recently? Why, I read that just today there was one in San Francisco. SAN FRANCISCO of all places, experiencing an earth quake, co-incidentally the DAY BEFORE THE PREDICTED END OF THE FUCKING WORLD!? Did I say co-incidence? I meant NOT A GOD DAMNED CO-INCIDENCE AT ALL! And what about those floods and hurricanes and, you know, stuff. The world is flying apart at the seams people! Open your eyes!

I for one am here and now proclaiming my life long love of God and Jesus and everybody. Peter and Luke and who ever else. John, there was a John, right? I love all those mother fuckers. I always have, and I know that they’d never let their biggest fan be swallowed whole by this dying shit ball that I’ll be so glad when its gone! I’m gonna be kickin’ it up in heaven, with like, eighty tight angel ladies all complimenting me on my love of god and my indeterminate amount of abs. Me and JC and the Father, we’re all gonna hang out and laugh at the world writhing in agony below us, tip back a couple Four Lokos and play a little game of “No YOU’RE more awesome.” It’s gonna be so amazing and you’re not even gonna be there.

What? Wait, what? God’s not accepting any more applicants. On May 21st we were all judged and he’s just needed the last six months to warm up his planet splitter chain saw? Well that’s, that’s not really fair. I mean, I’ve just been comparison shopping. Like any good spiritual being, I’ve been pricing out deities, trying to find which one was right for me. ‘Cause, isn’t that what it says in the Bible, “Thou shalt have a fair amount of time to look around and make sure that you’re absolutely positive that you’ve made the best decision for you about having no other Gods before me.”? That’s in there somewhere, right?! RIGHT!?!

"Sorry bro, you are ska-rood,"
"Sorry bro, you are ska-rood,"

Oh science, I’m fucked! I’m fucked, you’re fucked, we’re all double plus super fucked! Alright, you know what? Fine. I’m good with that. I’ve lived a full, meaningful… productive… happy… life.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Oh Darwin! Oh Einstein! Newton help me! Alright, it’s not too late. I’ve got, I don’t know, some amount of time between eight and thirty-two hours left. If I’m going to hell I’m going there like I’ve got a god damned rocket strapped to my balls!

If I hurry, I’ve still got enough time to murder a drug dealer, have sex with the corpse, steal their drugs, sell them to a kindergarten class, maybe blow up a petting zoo. Oooh! I know! I’ll steal a car with a baby in the back seat, drive it through a handicapped nun picnic before finally crashing it into the river and lighting it on fire. Then, I’ll take a stack of Bibles that I’ve been saving for just such an occasion and give them a gathered crowd of homosexuals and feminists and activist judges and abortion doctors and we’ll all stand around in a big circle and jerk each other off onto them! Afterwards, we can sacrifice a new born lamb to, I don’t know, the wind or some shit.

Unless of course you’ll still have me Jesus, in which case, I’ll try not to do most of that.

Good luck with Hell suckers! Or… See you in Hell suckers!

Science: It’s Not an Exact Science

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Last week science made a wild ass guess about how many things exist and we were just supposed to let that shit slide…

What the shit is that and why did we want to discover it!?
What the shit is that and why did we want to discover it!?

A paper published last week by the scientific journal PLoS Biology, which is a complete fucking guess, says that there are 8.7 million species on Earth. Of which, they completely make up that there are about 7.77 million species of animal, probably 298,000 of plants, give or take, more or less your guess is as good as mine 611,000 fungi, who the fuck knows 36,400 protozoa and completely made up 27,500 chromists. Of course, only seven percent of those fungi, 12 percent of the animals and 72 percent of plants have actually been identified, but why the fuck not just say that there’s so many fucking more?

Now obviously, there’s a shit ton of things crawling around on this out of control mud ball, flying around at fantastical speeds through the vast voidiness, but only we, only humanity, has the arrogance to think that they can just throw out a number with little to no basis in reality and say “Shit yeah, that’s what is. AH GOTS THUMBS, MUTHA!”

Apparently before this new and improved absolute total of all that there is, the previous estimates by other completely guessing sciencemans has ranged from 3 million to 100 million. So why then is this guesstimate any more legit than the 100 million number? Why do these fellahs get to say that “86 percent of all terrestrial species and 91 percent of all marine species have yet to be discovered, described and catalogued” and they get to be treated with any more respect or seriousness than the guy at the bus stop screaming about how he just discovered a new race of invisible mites living in his toes?

If you answered anything other than “Butterflies stole my meatloaf!” while hitting yourself in the thighs with paper plates, you’re wrong.

So I’ve decided I’m going to beat science at it’s own insane game: wildly speculating about shit you can’t even begin to know and calling it science!

Painstakingly researched and documented wild guess number one: there are more than sixty hundred trillion batrillion microscopic road warriors living in our intestines, battling infectious disease which keeps us from being eaten alive by the hostile surroundings of Earth’s atmosphere. It is only after the last of these wild, post apocalyptic survivors, invisible to the naked eye, is killed by the forces of this otherwise inhospitable planet, that we finally die.

Carefully examined and documented complete bullshit made up fact B: When we die, a series of small explosions are triggered inside our cardio vascular system which trap our collected demons, keeping them from escaping into into your attending physician and taking over the physical realm. These tiny “vein bombs” are implanted in each of us by Jesus himself, immediately before we are born.

Sober, reasoned, completely ridiculous insanity that I’m presenting as truth Sigma: There are as many as 188 quadrillion or as few as 9 flavors of pudding still completely undiscovered by man. 

The Battle of Hip Joint Canyon...
The Battle of Hip Joint Canyon...

There, I’ve just published a paper in the VFoC Journal of Sciencesque Factish Foundings. And my body is completely hollow and inhabited by a race of intangible plastic army men who have been locked in combat with the robots in my leg for what they perceive as six thousand years, with nary a resolution in sight!

And that’s entirely as plausible as almost anything else that these “respected” sciencers get paid to crap out.

 

Science: It's Not an Exact Science

Posted on

Last week science made a wild ass guess about how many things exist and we were just supposed to let that shit slide…

What the shit is that and why did we want to discover it!?
What the shit is that and why did we want to discover it!?

A paper published last week by the scientific journal PLoS Biology, which is a complete fucking guess, says that there are 8.7 million species on Earth. Of which, they completely make up that there are about 7.77 million species of animal, probably 298,000 of plants, give or take, more or less your guess is as good as mine 611,000 fungi, who the fuck knows 36,400 protozoa and completely made up 27,500 chromists. Of course, only seven percent of those fungi, 12 percent of the animals and 72 percent of plants have actually been identified, but why the fuck not just say that there’s so many fucking more?

Now obviously, there’s a shit ton of things crawling around on this out of control mud ball, flying around at fantastical speeds through the vast voidiness, but only we, only humanity, has the arrogance to think that they can just throw out a number with little to no basis in reality and say “Shit yeah, that’s what is. AH GOTS THUMBS, MUTHA!”

Apparently before this new and improved absolute total of all that there is, the previous estimates by other completely guessing sciencemans has ranged from 3 million to 100 million. So why then is this guesstimate any more legit than the 100 million number? Why do these fellahs get to say that “86 percent of all terrestrial species and 91 percent of all marine species have yet to be discovered, described and catalogued” and they get to be treated with any more respect or seriousness than the guy at the bus stop screaming about how he just discovered a new race of invisible mites living in his toes?

If you answered anything other than “Butterflies stole my meatloaf!” while hitting yourself in the thighs with paper plates, you’re wrong.

So I’ve decided I’m going to beat science at it’s own insane game: wildly speculating about shit you can’t even begin to know and calling it science!

Painstakingly researched and documented wild guess number one: there are more than sixty hundred trillion batrillion microscopic road warriors living in our intestines, battling infectious disease which keeps us from being eaten alive by the hostile surroundings of Earth’s atmosphere. It is only after the last of these wild, post apocalyptic survivors, invisible to the naked eye, is killed by the forces of this otherwise inhospitable planet, that we finally die.

Carefully examined and documented complete bullshit made up fact B: When we die, a series of small explosions are triggered inside our cardio vascular system which trap our collected demons, keeping them from escaping into into your attending physician and taking over the physical realm. These tiny “vein bombs” are implanted in each of us by Jesus himself, immediately before we are born.

Sober, reasoned, completely ridiculous insanity that I’m presenting as truth Sigma: There are as many as 188 quadrillion or as few as 9 flavors of pudding still completely undiscovered by man.

The Battle of Hip Joint Canyon...
The Battle of Hip Joint Canyon…

There, I’ve just published a paper in the VFoC Journal of Sciencesque Factish Foundings. And my body is completely hollow and inhabited by a race of intangible plastic army men who have been locked in combat with the robots in my leg for what they perceive as six thousand years, with nary a resolution in sight!

And that’s entirely as plausible as almost anything else that these “respected” sciencers get paid to crap out.

Science Hates Your Balls: The War on Sperm

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Scientists, in laboratories all over the globe, are busy thinking of new and hilarious ways to make mice fucking even more pointless. But don’t laugh too hard at blank shooting rodents, because science’ll be coming for your testicles next!

On your mark, get set, SPLOOGE!
On your mark, get set, SPLOOGE!

Since the invention of the penis approximately 47 billion years ago man has been desperately trying to devise ways to control them. They are godless fornication machines, guided only by impulse and an unyielding quest for personal gain and satisfaction of their unquenchable desires. Hell bent on destroying all those that possess them, whether it be through their devilish creation of distilled, fermented spirits used to bend the will of their symbiotic hosts, or their ingenious invention of the internet which they use to transmit their images around the globe to all of those who would marvel at their grandeur.

At the moment there are only two proven methods of male contraception: prayer and butt sex. And if you ask any homosexual couple trying to have a child, they’ll tell you it’s nigh impossible to impregnate each other, try as they might, but science still isn’t sure if it’s the power of the prayers of people who hate other people despite their own god telling them not to hate anyone, or just the simple fact that the homosexual uterus is located just below the left lung, too far for the penis to reach through either of the homosexual’s two favorite orifices… try as they might.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on the proclivity or selfish laziness of whom you ask, heterosexual procreation is much more easily achievable. Almost anyone can do it. But that seems to be the problem. And rather than continue on as we have for the last fifty years, allowing the ladies to take almost complete responsibility for repelling the seminal onslaught on their innards, science says that gentlemen should have more contraceptive options than simply genital mutilation or specially designed poison coated miniature trash bags.

So armies of spooge hating scientists around the world are experimenting with all sorts ways to keep testicle tadpoles from getting from point A to unfertilized egg B. With experimental “solutions” including stopping and restarting sperm production in mice, bombarding scrotums with ultrasound waves, removing proteins that keep sperm cells from being able to penetrate eggs, and blocking vitamin A. You see, apparently as this article seems to suggests and I’m not interested enough to look for confirmation of, “life wigglies” as I so childishly refer to them, are composed solely of vitamin A. So just know, if you ever take any supplement that contains vitamin A, you’re swallowing semen.

In India they’re testing an injectable synthetic substance that “sabotages sperm as they leave the testes and lasts for years”. I don’t even know what that means, or have any idea of what it COULD mean. I didn’t realize that a sperm cell had so many moving parts that you could simply loosen a bolt or two and it’d fly apart, slam into your urethral wall and explode in a tiny, tiny fireball.

So many options yet there's still so many stupid people...
So many options yet there's still so many stupid people...

As for what’s already on the market, in addition to the customary permanent snip and latex straight jackets there’s also apparently other “hormone gels and implants that can make men temporarily infertile” available in America “for other purposes”. I’m going to chalk up the “for other purposes” in their description of these currently available temporary infertility gels and implants as some sort of error in translation from what ever language is native to this jizm hating propagandist, because aside from preventing unintentional impregnation, I’m not entirely sure what other purposes temporary infertility could serve. I can’t even think of any ridiculous explanations for a statement as seemingly nonsensical as this one. And when I can’t think of a way to properly ridicule the stupid thing that you just said, it makes me angry, and frightened, and then angry again. Because I don’t know if you’re the smartest person in the world or if you’ve just invented a new stupid that will surely kill us all.

Me, I’m a traditionalist. I don’t need any fancy doodads and rigmarole to make sure I don’t end up a with a miniature version of myself that only seems to take pleasure in shitting on me. I personally employ the time tested “paint the naval” technique of birth control, which, in doing actual research on the subject I have found when done properly has almost the same effectiveness as any other form of over the counter birth control. Of course, when done incorrectly the failure rate sextuples, but I just have a hard time understanding how the “thorax frosting” method could be done incorrectly. Maybe I’ve lived a sheltered life, but I’ve never been surprised by the culmination of my own pelvic efforts. At no point in my life have I ever suddenly, and without substantial forewarning experienced an eruption of mount baldy that’s caught me completely unawares… But I guess I just understand how my personal workings and doings present themselves, and apparently that makes me special.

So science: leave my gonads alone! Let the ladies handle the parenthood prevention, because left in the hands of those completely ruled by their more powerful apendage, contraception will be less than pointless. I can’t be trusted to not to forget to put my watch on before leaving for wok, you think I’m going to remember to spray my groin with vitamin A killing lasers every morning?

Besides, what me and my seed do is nobody’s business but mine and who or what ever I decide to shellac with it.

Mars' Bio Station Alpha: Confirmation by Denial

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There is a secret government space station, manned by a co-operative team of humans, aliens and human alien hybrids working together for no doubt nefarious purposes as we speak… on the surface of Mars! How do I know with absolute, unwavering, blind certainty that the crazy thing that I just said is the only pure, true fact in the entire world? Because someone else said it isn’t.

I don’t internet much. Most of the time you can find me by my butter churn or smelting furnace, whittling a squirrel out of a slightly larger squirrel. But apparently a member of my quilting squad tells me that there’s something called a YourTube which has a video going around right now in which “armchair astronaut” and hero of the human race, David Martines, exposes to the world a shocking discovery he made on one of his internet machines. And I tell you what, it was enough to make me drop my home spun wisdom spinner into my aw shucks bag like a ribble at a rabble rally. 

… yee haw…

Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.
Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.

So if you felt the very fabric of space and time shudder and whip around like a crank addled lemur a couple days ago, that was apparently when David warned infinity about his brain raping find: “Bio Station Alpha”. Clocking in at a wildly guessed at 700 feet long and 150 feet wide, this Martian base was discovered after a painstaking, exhausted “quite by accident” by Mr. Martines as he was diligently perusing Google Mars when he likely should have been doing something more important. Naturally after finding this tiny white pixellated smudge, David came to the only logical conclusion, that this was an artificial structure that that either currently or recently housed inhabitants of a secret nature.

But the powers that be are already working on damage control, sending out their first wave of “experts”, in the personage of Alfred McEwen, a “planetary geologist at the Lunar and Planetary Lab at the University of Arizona and the director of the Planetary Imaging Research Laboratory” and “principal investigator of the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE)”, a “powerful telescope” supposedly “currently “orbiting “Mars”””.

Like any of those things are real things. The only people with titles that long are made up vaguely sciency flim flammerists that the United States government dresses up in CVS photo mat lab coats to try to throw true, trail blazing space cops off the trail of something so big, so important, that it could kill your face off to know the true truth of it all.

But this “expert” CLAIMS that Bio Station Alpha, the very real and factual Martian habitat recorded on space film for the world to see by the Googles, is actually just a glitch in the image cause by “cosmic energy”. What the bullshit is that fucksense?! They’re not even trying with this! If you’re going to call me and Martines, two true believers in Bio Stations Alpha through Epsilon, crazy, then you need to counter with an explanation at least somewhat less crazy than our own!

“It looks like a linear streak artifact produced by a cosmic ray,” said Alfred McEwen, fake science credential collector.

Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha
Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha

To which I can only respond, “No, it doesn’t look like a cosmic ray, comic book scientist. It looks like a god damned secret government space station on the surface of the cold red planet Mars and you’re making yourself and your made up profession sound ridiculous!” If what this space camera caught on its space film was “cosmic rays” then how come it didn’t turn into a stretchy, invisible, on fire rock camera?

It didn’t did it? Did it? Because that would be an awesome space camera. I’m going to assume it didn’t because that best helps my argument. Cosmic rays? Doom says pah!

So the only logical, rational, reasonable explanation for this clump of pixels is that the government is now trying to cover up their secret extra terrestrial agenda. Of course experts are denying the existence of Bio Station Alpha. You know what else they deny exists? Area 51. According to our own peaceful, trustful government, Area 51 doesn’t exist. Just like Bio Station Alpha. So, therefor and to wit: if we are told that Area 51 doesn’t exist, but it does, then Bio Station Alpha must also exist since we’re told it doesn’t! Don’t you get it! You can’t even begin to understand just how deep the rabbit hole goes! It goes all the way down to the rabbit home, filled with all of the modern luxuries of an anthropomorphic wise cracking rabbit, which experts will also tell you don’t exist, but I have film evidence dating back to the 40s that calls them a god damned liar!

In the end what it comes down to is this: there is a space station on Mars. You can say there isn’t, but I can say there is, and since I said there is first, it’s up to you to prove definitively, beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is not now, nor has there ever been a life sustaining research facility on the surface of Mars. Just the same way that it is now up to the governments of the world to prove that there isn’t a space camera orbiting the Earth with the combined powers of the Fantastic Four.  Until then, the plain and simple fact of the matter is that thing that I just made up exists now too and no matter how much you try to tell me logically how it doesn’t, you can’t prove that there’s not a lab somewhere in Eastern Montana growing more of these super cameras to enslave the human race as we speak.

Ball’s in your court science.

Mars’ Bio Station Alpha: Confirmation by Denial

Posted on

There is a secret government space station, manned by a co-operative team of humans, aliens and human alien hybrids working together for no doubt nefarious purposes as we speak… on the surface of Mars! How do I know with absolute, unwavering, blind certainty that the crazy thing that I just said is the only pure, true fact in the entire world? Because someone else said it isn’t.

I don’t internet much. Most of the time you can find me by my butter churn or smelting furnace, whittling a squirrel out of a slightly larger squirrel. But apparently a member of my quilting squad tells me that there’s something called a YourTube which has a video going around right now in which “armchair astronaut” and hero of the human race, David Martines, exposes to the world a shocking discovery he made on one of his internet machines. And I tell you what, it was enough to make me drop my home spun wisdom spinner into my aw shucks bag like a ribble at a rabble rally. 

… yee haw…

Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.
Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.

So if you felt the very fabric of space and time shudder and whip around like a crank addled lemur a couple days ago, that was apparently when David warned infinity about his brain raping find: “Bio Station Alpha”. Clocking in at a wildly guessed at 700 feet long and 150 feet wide, this Martian base was discovered after a painstaking, exhausted “quite by accident” by Mr. Martines as he was diligently perusing Google Mars when he likely should have been doing something more important. Naturally after finding this tiny white pixellated smudge, David came to the only logical conclusion, that this was an artificial structure that that either currently or recently housed inhabitants of a secret nature.

But the powers that be are already working on damage control, sending out their first wave of “experts”, in the personage of Alfred McEwen, a “planetary geologist at the Lunar and Planetary Lab at the University of Arizona and the director of the Planetary Imaging Research Laboratory” and “principal investigator of the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE)”, a “powerful telescope” supposedly “currently “orbiting “Mars”””.

Like any of those things are real things. The only people with titles that long are made up vaguely sciency flim flammerists that the United States government dresses up in CVS photo mat lab coats to try to throw true, trail blazing space cops off the trail of something so big, so important, that it could kill your face off to know the true truth of it all.

But this “expert” CLAIMS that Bio Station Alpha, the very real and factual Martian habitat recorded on space film for the world to see by the Googles, is actually just a glitch in the image cause by “cosmic energy”. What the bullshit is that fucksense?! They’re not even trying with this! If you’re going to call me and Martines, two true believers in Bio Stations Alpha through Epsilon, crazy, then you need to counter with an explanation at least somewhat less crazy than our own!

“It looks like a linear streak artifact produced by a cosmic ray,” said Alfred McEwen, fake science credential collector.

Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha
Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha

To which I can only respond, “No, it doesn’t look like a cosmic ray, comic book scientist. It looks like a god damned secret government space station on the surface of the cold red planet Mars and you’re making yourself and your made up profession sound ridiculous!” If what this space camera caught on its space film was “cosmic rays” then how come it didn’t turn into a stretchy, invisible, on fire rock camera?

It didn’t did it? Did it? Because that would be an awesome space camera. I’m going to assume it didn’t because that best helps my argument. Cosmic rays? Doom says pah!

So the only logical, rational, reasonable explanation for this clump of pixels is that the government is now trying to cover up their secret extra terrestrial agenda. Of course experts are denying the existence of Bio Station Alpha. You know what else they deny exists? Area 51. According to our own peaceful, trustful government, Area 51 doesn’t exist. Just like Bio Station Alpha. So, therefor and to wit: if we are told that Area 51 doesn’t exist, but it does, then Bio Station Alpha must also exist since we’re told it doesn’t! Don’t you get it! You can’t even begin to understand just how deep the rabbit hole goes! It goes all the way down to the rabbit home, filled with all of the modern luxuries of an anthropomorphic wise cracking rabbit, which experts will also tell you don’t exist, but I have film evidence dating back to the 40s that calls them a god damned liar!

In the end what it comes down to is this: there is a space station on Mars. You can say there isn’t, but I can say there is, and since I said there is first, it’s up to you to prove definitively, beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is not now, nor has there ever been a life sustaining research facility on the surface of Mars. Just the same way that it is now up to the governments of the world to prove that there isn’t a space camera orbiting the Earth with the combined powers of the Fantastic Four.  Until then, the plain and simple fact of the matter is that thing that I just made up exists now too and no matter how much you try to tell me logically how it doesn’t, you can’t prove that there’s not a lab somewhere in Eastern Montana growing more of these super cameras to enslave the human race as we speak.

Ball’s in your court science.

Science: Making the Impossible still more Impossibler

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"Our chins are leaking science! Run away from us!"
"Our chins are leaking science! Run away from us!"

I’m a scientist. And you know what? So are you.

You see, the heavy lifting of being a scientist isn’t in proving something as fact, most science isn’t fact. Or in discovering something new, you know how hard that shit is? Most of the stuff around you’s probably been discovered by somebody already. No, what apparently makes a scientist scientisty, is the ability to come up with things that could never exist, using elements that they have not yet discovered, to say how neat it would be if everything they were making up could actually happen. SCIENCE!

Last week, scientists working on the Large Hadron Collider (not to be confused with all of those other Hadron Colliders out there, being worked on by what those of us in the scientific community like to call “fucking retards”), apparently bored with smashing sub atomic particles together in an attempt to tear the very fabric of reality apart (in theory) got to thinking. In sciencing, you get a lot of time to think. Mostly because the majority of the time you spend doing science is just in proving the stupid ass thing you thought of last time was stupid and pointless. Science is failure, subsidized.

So the people trying to make black holes in Switzerland theorized that they could potentially use the Hadron Collider to send a particle, a Higgs singlet, back in time. It is believed that the Higgs singlet may have the ability to “jump” out of our mundane, limited, four dimensional existence and into a “hidden” dimension that some advanced physics models believes to “exist” and that by traveling through this “hidden” “dimension” they could then “jump” back into our own at a point “forward” or “backward” in what we “perceive” as “time”. ” ”

Isn’t that fantasmical? Isn’t that astoundishing? Isn’t that completely made up and entirely dependent upon a particle that doesn’t even exist? Yes… SCIENCE!

There is no Higgs boson, and as such, no Higgs singlet. Discovering this Higgs boson was apparently one of the main reasons they built the Hadron Collider in the first place. So scientaints are already moving on to the next cool thing that they’ll be able to do with the thing that their big crazy machine was built to discover before their big crazy machine has even discovered it. Which basically equates to me saying that I am going to use all of those ghost vaginas that my ghost vagina factory discovers to travel to the year eight billion where the ghost vagina will probably be the most valuable commodity in all of what’s left of Earth III, the planet of the cyber undead… as soon as my ghost vagina factory discovers that ghost vaginas do in fact exist like I’ve been saying all along.

“Our theory is a long shot, but it doesn’t violate any laws of physics…” one of the scientinals said, which I suppose is technically true. Making up things that don’t exist to fit into a theory that depends entirely on something that doesn’t exist does not violate any laws of physics that I know of. It does however violate most known laws of logic and sense.

“One of the attractive things about this approach to time travel is that it avoids all the big paradoxes,” he continued, oblivious to the fact that he was still talking about his Star Trek fan fiction to people that weren’t inside his head. “Because time travel is limited to these special particles, it is not possible for a man to travel back in time and murder one of his parents before he himself is born, for example. However, if scientists could control the production of Higgs singlets, they might be able to send messages to the past or future.”

Of course this narrow minded fool never takes into account the very real (hypothetical) possibility that one of these particles, driven mad by its travel across very real (entirely made up) extradimensional planes could then arrive at its past destination, its important future missive long forgotten in that blink of an eye that seemed like seven eternities, and replaced instead by a single command, “Murder Lance Armstrong”. Impossible? Nothing is impossible with the power of imagination, and untethered insanity!

Unfortunately, the one miniscule sticking point that the entire plan hangs up on is that they haven’t yet discovered the thing that they think they might possibly be able to send back in time. A minor thing I know. But these brave men and other men are not deterred by the fact that their big metal circle has yet to discover even one tiny time travel capable ghost vagina. I’m sure, in fact, that they believe because they haven’t found it yet, that means beyond a doubt that it exists. That’s how these people think.

I myself am currently hard at work on a paper that suggests that a pride of miniature dinosaurs made of velcro, spinning at the center of the universe since before time had a name, are the entire reason that the AFL succeeded where the USFL failed, despite the USFL not having debuted until thirteen years after the AFL/NFL merger. You see, my theory, which I will heretofore refer to simply as “Fact Prime”, is that the USFL’s failure reverberated back through time, bouncing off of the soft side of the galactic center Stegasaurus’ back plates and into the head of New York Jets Quarterback and pantyhose model Joe Willie Namath, thus propelling his football club to victories in Super Bowls III, IV and VII. Pieces of this errant history were later corrected by Terry Bradshaw and his Time Stealers. Terry and trusted lieutenants Bo Jackson, Richard Dent and Ray Nitschke restored as much of the original balance of the timeline as they could before Chrono Emperor John Elway could detect their meddlings…

And until someone can prove that all of that DIDN’T happen exactly as I have described, I am right.

Murder Lance Armstrong!
Murder Lance Armstrong!

Science Is Dumb

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You haven’t died from Polio, and through the miracle of modern technology, that bowling trophy’s broken arm was safely rescued from deep within my “fun house”. But aside from that, what has science done for any of us?  For every life saving vaccine or highly specialized rectal jaws of life that science accidentally discovers, there are a bahundred other studies on the effectiveness of aromatherapy on the recently dead, 30,000 different pee pee don’t work pills or the twisted race to see how many human eyelids science can grow on the back of a mouse. Really, most of science is just fucking with mice.

Last week science descended from its floating sky fortress on a hover board powered by screaming insanity to deliver unto us their recent findings. Among them were (and I am making none of these up) that women’s tears make men less sexually aroused, proof of the existence of ESP and that humans first started wearing clothes about 170,000 years ago. Most scientific discovery is like a Christmas sweater with no arm holes from a relative that you barely know. Thanks science, now what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?

So hot... But science says no.
So hot... But science says no.

Israeli researchers published a study in which they presented men with a jar containing tears collected from women who had watched a sad movie and discovered that the men who sniffed the tear jar were less likely to find photographs of women attractive. This is the kind of thing that normal people just kind of understand but that science just has to do anyway. If anyone who didn’t own a long white coat said, “I wish to collect the tears of weeping maidens! Deliver to me my cleanest specimen jar and my Blu-Ray copy of the extended extra weepy directors cut of ‘Beaches’ this instant!” they would immediately become a person of interest in more than three hundred currently ongoing sex crime investigations. But if scienceologists want to make someone cry to prove that boners hate that, they get trucks full of money backed up to their money door. I don’t think it’s really any secret that it’s hard for most to maintain an errection in the presence of a crying woman; that’s the precise reason why my professional rapism career was cut so tragically and prematurely short.

Occasionally science likes to fuck with other science. It’s like when the french horn player in the high school marching band steals the star mathelete’s lucky protractor. Sure, it’s funny, but there are no winners there. Every once in a while someone will publish a paper saying that there is strong evidence linking wishes to the disappearance of the purple footed polar snow lizard or how the sky is always on fire until someone looks up, just to see if anyone is paying attention. Then everyone loses their shit at how preposterous these findings are because everyone knows that the purple footed polar snow lizard’s extinction was a direct result of their own gross mismanagement of the tides. So when a study presenting “strong evidence” of ESP is published in a “well respected” scientific journal I assume it’s President Science sending up a crazy balloon just to see who’ll look up and proclaim that the balloon is standing perfectly still and that the planet is in fact, slowly backing away from it.

What I enjoy most about science and scienceers. is their zealously religious belief that all that they know and understand is all that there is to know and understand. Now, I’m not saying that ESP is real, but I’m at least open to the idea that anything’s possible, you know, like science used to be. But any time someone suggests something new, science will yell and cry about how this thing is impossible and how preposterous this new idea is, until it’s proven correct, at which point this new truth is then protected from future heresy. Olden time scientographers believed completely that the world was flat and that the edge was protected by space dragons who would gobble your ship up whole to keep you from bumping into the hole punched velvet curtain of the night sky until someone went out there and to their surprise didn’t find a single dragon; or so history book writers would have you believe!

These little perverts saw your grandpa naked!
These little perverts saw your grandpa naked!

Then there are “discoveries” that really do nothing for anyone and are just important to people who specialize in the publication of books never meant to be read. One such new study, FOLLOWING THE EVOLUTION OF LICE, suggests that head lice evolved into clothing or body lice approximately 170,000 years ago suggesting that humans began wearing clothes after the second to last ice age. Science, why are you studying the evolution of lice? Do you know something you’re not telling us? And why do we need to know exactly when our ancestors developed to ability to be ashamed of their bodies?

Don’t you understand what you’ve done science? Being a long-standing opponent of clothing, you have only served to aide me in my never-ending quest for the over throw of the textile oppression. I now have the exact (approximate) co-ordinates to set my time machine (when you accidentally invent one while trying to create a box that more efficiently extracts sorrow tears) and stop my monkey uncles from first covering their cave balls in shame. Of course that will probably lead to them freezing to death in the LAST ice age, making me less chronologically viable than a stupid tide neglecting snow lizard, but at least it would kill science with me, which would serve it right.

Way to go science, now get back to me when you’ve cloned another pig uterus for no damned good reason.