End of the World

Van Full of Candy's End of the World Year Predictions

Posted on

It hardly seems worth making predictions this year. As everyone is surely aware, this year isn’t going to be as long as they have been in the past. You can blame the stupid Mayans and their dumb calendar for that bunk. So with those ten fewer days at the end of not only this year, but the end of the very existence of this planet and all of those things that we have come to believe immortal and timeless, we will never truly know for sure if some of our at yet unrealized predictions might have come true in that final week and a half of the year that we’re being cheated out of.

It’s not the end of the world that upsets me, it’s not getting the proper chance to be proven right that REALLY bugs me.

But we did it last year with what could only be called “startling” accuracy, so we’re legally bound to participate this year as well. And just remember, as the planet is swallowing you whole, if for a second as your very being is being erased from forever, you think that we called one of these wrong, just know: fuck you, it WOULD have been right if planetary implosion hadn’t prematurely cut 2012 short.

Now, what do we see in our magical balls, hmmm?

  • President Barack Obama will narrowly win re-election in November, edging out the Republican ticket of Romney/Santorum and powerhouse Independent entry Trump/Seacrest.
  • Tim Tebow will reveal to the world that his mother experienced immaculate conception on March 16th (3:16) and will die for our sins by being nailed to a goal post after he wins next year’s Super Bowl.
  • The iPhone 6 will be majestically bestowed upon the multitudes as Steve Jobs descends from an actual iCloud straight from iHeaven.
  • Irrefutable evidence of a secret Iranian nuclear program will finally be revealed by US intelligence agencies. Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will try to fight back tears as his big surprise present for America’s birthday will be ruined. We’ll try to apologize and act surprised anyway when Iran does eventually deliver their present, but we’ll still feel like jerks.
  • Upon further inspection of the cruise ship that crashed in Italy, DNA findings show that the captain is the great grandson of the other incompetent ship captain that sank the Titanic and is coincidentally related to Isaac, the bartender on The Love Boat.
  • A team who’s predominant uniform color is blue, will win the NCAA Mens Basketball Championship.
  • Google and Facebook have a one night stand after an awards ceremony, get pregnant, and have a really ugly baby who is motivated by being an underachiever.
  • The world will end on December 21st when a fleet of giant star cruisers descends upon the planet, crewed by a highly advanced race of dinosaurs who have to destroy us to ensure that the time stream doesn’t unravel like a cheap sweater. We won’t quite understand the whole space time continuum explanation, but our confusion will be mercifully short lived.
  • Both the Green Bay Packers and New Orleans Saints will not make it to the Super Bowl.
  • The North American Beaver will continue to carefully guard the secret of the meaning of life, waiting patiently until the day that someone finally thinks to ask it.

And so it is, every one of 2012’s filthy little secrets laid bare for all to see. Fat lot of good it’ll do us when the Dinonauts arrive, but enjoy it while you can, ’cause they’re not gonna make a lick of sense and they’re not gonna give a shit when we don’t get it.

Dinosaur astronauts are kinda dicks.

This Didn’t Happen Today in History — November 30th

Posted on

November 30th 2012 —

After the inadvertent release of indisputable scientific and theological confirmation of the Mayan calendar’s grim prediction of the end of the world and with a now hard, verified three weeks remaining in the very existence of the planet Earth and all of mankind, the peoples of the world, finally seeing above the infinitesimal irrelevant tribal struggles over resources and deific squabbles that have made neighbors foes for millenia embark on what future ancient Earth civilizations will refer to as “Suck’n’Fucknorak”.

The fossilized remains of a trans-continental daisy chain spanning the breadth of what they will never know as the former United States of America will be misinterpreted as the skeleton of the great “Beast of a Hundred Million Backs” which legend will have it, cracked the very planet in half with the force of it’s Earth shattering orgasmic roar.

This Didn't Happen Today in History — November 30th

Posted on

November 30th 2012 —

After the inadvertent release of indisputable scientific and theological confirmation of the Mayan calendar’s grim prediction of the end of the world and with a now hard, verified three weeks remaining in the very existence of the planet Earth and all of mankind, the peoples of the world, finally seeing above the infinitesimal irrelevant tribal struggles over resources and deific squabbles that have made neighbors foes for millenia embark on what future ancient Earth civilizations will refer to as “Suck’n’Fucknorak”.

The fossilized remains of a trans-continental daisy chain spanning the breadth of what they will never know as the former United States of America will be misinterpreted as the skeleton of the great “Beast of a Hundred Million Backs” which legend will have it, cracked the very planet in half with the force of it’s Earth shattering orgasmic roar.

This Time For Realzies: Judgement Day, Part 2: The Judgementing

Posted on Updated on

Uh-oh, remember back in May, how the world was supposed to end with a bunch of goody goodies floating up into heaven and flashing their balls at us? And then remember how that didn’t happen and it was all hilarious? And remember how we all laughed at the guy who said the world was going to end with sack flashing god flights? And he was all like, “Well fuck you, it did happen, it was just invisible and you’ll see in six months when you’re starin’ up at my taint!” And we were all like, “Yeah, what ever crazy man, go be crazy somewhere else while we get back to not worrying about angry invisible rapture.”

"Who's got two thumbs and is gonna fuck your shit up? This God!"
"Who's got two thumbs and is gonna fuck your shit up? This God!"

Well, do you remember what day he said it was going to really happen for realzies this time? Well you know who DOES remember? Jesus.

Tomorrow, at “when ever you see believers in the sky” o’clock, this stupid little stupid planet full of stupid is gonna be over! It’s really going to happen this time! Seriously guys!

Have you noticed how many earthquakes there’ve been recently? Why, I read that just today there was one in San Francisco. SAN FRANCISCO of all places, experiencing an earth quake, co-incidentally the DAY BEFORE THE PREDICTED END OF THE FUCKING WORLD!? Did I say co-incidence? I meant NOT A GOD DAMNED CO-INCIDENCE AT ALL! And what about those floods and hurricanes and, you know, stuff. The world is flying apart at the seams people! Open your eyes!

I for one am here and now proclaiming my life long love of God and Jesus and everybody. Peter and Luke and who ever else. John, there was a John, right? I love all those mother fuckers. I always have, and I know that they’d never let their biggest fan be swallowed whole by this dying shit ball that I’ll be so glad when its gone! I’m gonna be kickin’ it up in heaven, with like, eighty tight angel ladies all complimenting me on my love of god and my indeterminate amount of abs. Me and JC and the Father, we’re all gonna hang out and laugh at the world writhing in agony below us, tip back a couple Four Lokos and play a little game of “No YOU’RE more awesome.” It’s gonna be so amazing and you’re not even gonna be there.

What? Wait, what? God’s not accepting any more applicants. On May 21st we were all judged and he’s just needed the last six months to warm up his planet splitter chain saw? Well that’s, that’s not really fair. I mean, I’ve just been comparison shopping. Like any good spiritual being, I’ve been pricing out deities, trying to find which one was right for me. ‘Cause, isn’t that what it says in the Bible, “Thou shalt have a fair amount of time to look around and make sure that you’re absolutely positive that you’ve made the best decision for you about having no other Gods before me.”? That’s in there somewhere, right?! RIGHT!?!

"Sorry bro, you are ska-rood,"
"Sorry bro, you are ska-rood,"

Oh science, I’m fucked! I’m fucked, you’re fucked, we’re all double plus super fucked! Alright, you know what? Fine. I’m good with that. I’ve lived a full, meaningful… productive… happy… life.

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Oh Darwin! Oh Einstein! Newton help me! Alright, it’s not too late. I’ve got, I don’t know, some amount of time between eight and thirty-two hours left. If I’m going to hell I’m going there like I’ve got a god damned rocket strapped to my balls!

If I hurry, I’ve still got enough time to murder a drug dealer, have sex with the corpse, steal their drugs, sell them to a kindergarten class, maybe blow up a petting zoo. Oooh! I know! I’ll steal a car with a baby in the back seat, drive it through a handicapped nun picnic before finally crashing it into the river and lighting it on fire. Then, I’ll take a stack of Bibles that I’ve been saving for just such an occasion and give them a gathered crowd of homosexuals and feminists and activist judges and abortion doctors and we’ll all stand around in a big circle and jerk each other off onto them! Afterwards, we can sacrifice a new born lamb to, I don’t know, the wind or some shit.

Unless of course you’ll still have me Jesus, in which case, I’ll try not to do most of that.

Good luck with Hell suckers! Or… See you in Hell suckers!

AAAHHHHHH!!! (Apocalypse Edition: Parte the Somethingth)

Posted on

It’s the end of the world! Oh sweet Jesus who up until this very moment when you might actually be of some use to me, I have heretofore ignored and denied, IT’S THE END OF THE MONKEY FIGHTING WORLD!

Don’t believe me?! Well fuck you! ‘Cause it’s real Jack! You’re dead! I’m dead! We’re all fuckin’ dead and we don’t even know it! But I do! I know it! You don’t, but I do! I know it! I know it and now you know it! So fuckin’ disregard the first part of this statement! Because now you know it JACK! WE’RE FUCKIN’ DEAD!

Alright… Okay… Alright… Breathe… Deep breath. New pants. Liquor. More liquor. More pants. Alright.

I can’t stop crying. And I’m not sure if it’s from fear or joy. Or foy… or, jear… But the end of days is at hand people. Oh yeah, call me a lunatic, as I have called many others in the past. It’s easy, just look: “I’m a fucking nut job crazy person who’s blind faith in the unseeable is as sad as it is moronic. Someone should put this pathetic excuse for me out of my misery, if just so that I don’t get to see the coming end of the world that I’m waiting for.” See, just that easy, I’ve belittled and discredited myself in one swift movement… Wow, I’m kind of a dick…

But you may be wondering why I’m now so convinced that the end is here and now. Why, after so often calling fans of the smiting lord blithering nut candy, I am now so certain that I’m going to be paying for my heresy unless I start sucking the blithering nut candy of those who can put in a good word with king nut candy… Who I should probably start referring to as my personal lord and savior, because continuing to call him hurtful names is probably doing very little to help my standing.

Well I’ll tell you why. THIS SHIT IS WHY!

Lake turned to blood. That’s some OT (Old Testament) shit right there son! That’s vengeful, child killing, world flooding, here’s my delicious fruit that you can live around but better not even think of enjoying, mountain top thou-shalt-not shit right there! And this is in Texas, where God is only slightly less worshiped than High School football, so this is some serious business!

Now sure, you can try to use some godless sciencey “facts” and “non-freaking out rational thought” to explain this lake suddenly and miraculously turning to blood. You can SAY that it’s more likely the result of Chromatiacea bacteria thriving in oxygen-deprived water that is killing the fish of this almost dried up stagnant, drought ravaged reservoir giving it the delicious, thick hearty blood like tint. But that’s exactly what a godless heathen like you WOULD say if you weren’t so damned busy killing babies and drinking their juices at your gay orgy weddings for communists!

But you know what, since I’m now a warrior of Christ, ready and waiting to be raised from this damned place to my rightful station in the mutha fuckin’ CLOUDS, I can take your flimsy argument and just Goddize it up any damned way! Droughts? This is the result of droughts? Well, what exactly is a drought, except a reverse flood? And who’s literature’s biggest flood lover? MY SKY MONSTER!– NO! Not… Not sky monster. What’s the other thing, the– OH! My God… person. Lord? Something… And a bunch of dead fish? That’s some kind of tragedy? Fish are a bunch of lazy freeloaders just swimmin’ back and forth over our borders drinkin’ their own poop. Build the dang water fence!

"Oh yeah, that shit is on."
"Oh yeah, that shit is on."

And speaking of the reportedly “Good” book which I fully intend on reading as soon as I get the chance; this is all in there, warning us from Heavenland that this day would come. Indiana preacher Paul Begley went to the YouTubes to tell the world about it.

“The second angel poured out his bowl on the sea, and it turned into blood like that of a dead person, and every living thing in the sea died,” my new best friend Mr. Preacher Pastor Begley Poperson said. “The third angel poured out his bowl on the rivers and springs of water, and they became blood.” 

IT’S RIGHT THERE! The order doesn’t matter, I seem to recall making up something about Jesus or one of the others saying something about “The first being the last and the third being the first.” or some such nonsensical, contradictory shit used specifically to help my narrative! Bowls are being poured people, and that’s the important part. Blood bowls. Angels, with bowls filled with blood, are pouring them into our reservoirs and killing our fish! And if that ain’t 100% scripture proof, then I don’t know what the fuck is… But that’s probably just because I don’t know what the fuck is. 

So this is it folks, it’s fer rillzies this time. End of the world time. Unless it isn’t, in which case next time will absolutely be it. You see, God knows it’s not the eternity of gnashing and wailing that will be the true torment for the nonbelievers and sinners of the world: it’s the anticipation that really gets ’em…

Hail whom ever is willing to accept me into which ever afterlife is true!

Bases covered.

VFoC “LIVE” on The Comedy Buffet’s Podcast

Posted on Updated on

The good fellas at The Comedy Buffet were kind enough to let us stink up their otherwise hilarious podcast the other night. We’d like to apologize in advance for our uncontrolable crass behavior, rude language, and complete disregard to fat kids, cross-dressing boys, and religion in general, … yeah right, who am I kidding? Let’s face it, there’s just not enough room for those “types” here on this earth that’s about to overheat anyway, so forget all that bullshit I just said, click the link below and hold the F on because here we go !!!

Click Here to … HEAR !!!

How to be funny on The Comedy Buffet podcast

VFoC "LIVE" on The Comedy Buffet's Podcast

Posted on

The good fellas at The Comedy Buffet were kind enough to let us stink up their otherwise hilarious podcast the other night. We’d like to apologize in advance for our uncontrolable crass behavior, rude language, and complete disregard to fat kids, cross-dressing boys, and religion in general, … yeah right, who am I kidding? Let’s face it, there’s just not enough room for those “types” here on this earth that’s about to overheat anyway, so forget all that bullshit I just said, click the link below and hold the F on because here we go !!!

Click Here to … HEAR !!!

How to be funny on The Comedy Buffet podcast