iPhone

Van Full of Candy's End of the World Year Predictions

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It hardly seems worth making predictions this year. As everyone is surely aware, this year isn’t going to be as long as they have been in the past. You can blame the stupid Mayans and their dumb calendar for that bunk. So with those ten fewer days at the end of not only this year, but the end of the very existence of this planet and all of those things that we have come to believe immortal and timeless, we will never truly know for sure if some of our at yet unrealized predictions might have come true in that final week and a half of the year that we’re being cheated out of.

It’s not the end of the world that upsets me, it’s not getting the proper chance to be proven right that REALLY bugs me.

But we did it last year with what could only be called “startling” accuracy, so we’re legally bound to participate this year as well. And just remember, as the planet is swallowing you whole, if for a second as your very being is being erased from forever, you think that we called one of these wrong, just know: fuck you, it WOULD have been right if planetary implosion hadn’t prematurely cut 2012 short.

Now, what do we see in our magical balls, hmmm?

  • President Barack Obama will narrowly win re-election in November, edging out the Republican ticket of Romney/Santorum and powerhouse Independent entry Trump/Seacrest.
  • Tim Tebow will reveal to the world that his mother experienced immaculate conception on March 16th (3:16) and will die for our sins by being nailed to a goal post after he wins next year’s Super Bowl.
  • The iPhone 6 will be majestically bestowed upon the multitudes as Steve Jobs descends from an actual iCloud straight from iHeaven.
  • Irrefutable evidence of a secret Iranian nuclear program will finally be revealed by US intelligence agencies. Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will try to fight back tears as his big surprise present for America’s birthday will be ruined. We’ll try to apologize and act surprised anyway when Iran does eventually deliver their present, but we’ll still feel like jerks.
  • Upon further inspection of the cruise ship that crashed in Italy, DNA findings show that the captain is the great grandson of the other incompetent ship captain that sank the Titanic and is coincidentally related to Isaac, the bartender on The Love Boat.
  • A team who’s predominant uniform color is blue, will win the NCAA Mens Basketball Championship.
  • Google and Facebook have a one night stand after an awards ceremony, get pregnant, and have a really ugly baby who is motivated by being an underachiever.
  • The world will end on December 21st when a fleet of giant star cruisers descends upon the planet, crewed by a highly advanced race of dinosaurs who have to destroy us to ensure that the time stream doesn’t unravel like a cheap sweater. We won’t quite understand the whole space time continuum explanation, but our confusion will be mercifully short lived.
  • Both the Green Bay Packers and New Orleans Saints will not make it to the Super Bowl.
  • The North American Beaver will continue to carefully guard the secret of the meaning of life, waiting patiently until the day that someone finally thinks to ask it.

And so it is, every one of 2012’s filthy little secrets laid bare for all to see. Fat lot of good it’ll do us when the Dinonauts arrive, but enjoy it while you can, ’cause they’re not gonna make a lick of sense and they’re not gonna give a shit when we don’t get it.

Dinosaur astronauts are kinda dicks.

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Van Full of Candy's Last Minute Zombified Costume Ideas

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Halloween has become big business in recent years as adults have stolen away a holiday intended for children to play dress up by scaring parents with tales of abduction and tainted treats to the point where most juvenile trick treating takes place in well lit suburban malls at two in the afternoon on February 9th. In its place a parade of whores in inches of fabric vaguely associated with some sort of  honorable profession, crime fighting, fire fighting, hamburglaring, and guys wearing just enough of a costume to legally grind against those scantilly clad heroes for as long as legally allowed.

Now, we’re not here to pass judgement on this changing of the holiday, because really, no matter what we say is wrong. We’re either endorsing whore fest costumed VD transmittal gatherings or children being used as candy retrieval devices for lazy parents. So whether or not it’s right is irrelivent, what’s important now is that Zombies are in and we want a piece of that multi-trillion dollar costuming pie! Every body wants to be a zombie, but you also want to stand out in the endless horde of flesh eating monsters. And with that in mind Van Full of Candy would like to present our last minute costume ideas, infected with just enough Zombie to make you the life of any undead party!

iPhone Zombie: You want people to touch all your buttons? Well there’s an app for that. Push it here, slide it here, yeah now THAT’s a costume! Oh but wait … your trap worked. You got people close enough to you, the trusted iPhone and as soon as they start manipulating your front side, it’s too late for them. Not only are you an iPhone, you’re a goddamned zombie grabbing your victim and pulling them in towards your life size retina display whilst eating them alive spilling blood all over yourself, in turn voiding your warranty.

Baby Kitteh Zombie: Everybody who has a baby during Halloween needs to dress them up in a cutesy little Elmo outfit, or perhaps a baby sunflower so all their friends and family can koooo and awwwww and MAKE ME SICK !! This year, for those parents who need something a little more … exciting … should choose the Baby Kitteh Zombie costume. Secure that neck biting baby zombie in an adorable little kitteh suit and when friends and family get close to get a closer look … unleash the flesh eating fury of Baby Kitteh Zombie.

Can of Zombie Spam: As much as people pretend that they don’t like SPAM, we all know deep down that the congealed pink meat will always be one of our favorites. It looks like cat food, smells like food and well … It doesn’t matter because we still love it, so much so that we dress up like it for All Hallows Eve. The great thing about this costume is that the love for the pink meat juice is so strong, it’s a natural attractant for a zombie massacre. Not only can you eat the laymen who get too close to your Fancy Feast aura, you can also eat yourself if you are still hungry afterwards.

Zombie Flower: Some ladies just want to look pretty and dainty and delicate and not like a slutty version of something that is usually associated with not slutty traits. But naturally, they still want to be zombies. Our solution: the “Zombie Flower”. The cold hard truth of the matter is that when you pick a flower, you have just commited murder. So that pretty, delicate, dainty thing now wants it’s sweet smelling revenge! I think the costume would come with a bee with it’s skull ripped open, dripping delicious honey comb shaped BEERAINS!

Zombie Ghost: To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how the back story logistics work on this one. What I do know is that the ghost, while formerly a staple of the halloween costume hirearchy, has sort of fallen out of favor in recent years due to the wearer often being beaten savagely in a case of confused racist. So clearly the ghost could use a little costume rehabilitation. And the ghost lends itself to Zombification in a couple ways. First, you only get a ghost if somebody dies. That’s ingredients one through seven of Zombie! So it could either be that the zombie bite not only transforms the flesh, but also infects the SPIRIT and then you’ve got a whole afterlife of souls for the Zombie ghost to hunt and devour! OR perhaps the ghost zombie is the result of an exorcism where a ghost is sort of, kind of killed. So the GHOST comes back to life. OR OR, the result of an exorcism performed by a ZOMBIE PRIEST! Wow, the ghost is kind of kick ass now. You’re welcome ghosts. Now stop haunting everything we own!

Zombie Battery: … ‘Cause batteries die. And, zombies… And… batteries.

“BrAAAins!”

Come on! It’s hilarious if you don’t think about it!

Happy Trick or Treat! Reach way down in that candy bucket to get the best candy! Trust us, you’ll thank us later.

Van Full of Candy’s Last Minute Zombified Costume Ideas

Posted on

Halloween has become big business in recent years as adults have stolen away a holiday intended for children to play dress up by scaring parents with tales of abduction and tainted treats to the point where most juvenile trick treating takes place in well lit suburban malls at two in the afternoon on February 9th. In its place a parade of whores in inches of fabric vaguely associated with some sort of  honorable profession, crime fighting, fire fighting, hamburglaring, and guys wearing just enough of a costume to legally grind against those scantilly clad heroes for as long as legally allowed.

Now, we’re not here to pass judgement on this changing of the holiday, because really, no matter what we say is wrong. We’re either endorsing whore fest costumed VD transmittal gatherings or children being used as candy retrieval devices for lazy parents. So whether or not it’s right is irrelivent, what’s important now is that Zombies are in and we want a piece of that multi-trillion dollar costuming pie! Every body wants to be a zombie, but you also want to stand out in the endless horde of flesh eating monsters. And with that in mind Van Full of Candy would like to present our last minute costume ideas, infected with just enough Zombie to make you the life of any undead party!

iPhone Zombie: You want people to touch all your buttons? Well there’s an app for that. Push it here, slide it here, yeah now THAT’s a costume! Oh but wait … your trap worked. You got people close enough to you, the trusted iPhone and as soon as they start manipulating your front side, it’s too late for them. Not only are you an iPhone, you’re a goddamned zombie grabbing your victim and pulling them in towards your life size retina display whilst eating them alive spilling blood all over yourself, in turn voiding your warranty.

Baby Kitteh Zombie: Everybody who has a baby during Halloween needs to dress them up in a cutesy little Elmo outfit, or perhaps a baby sunflower so all their friends and family can koooo and awwwww and MAKE ME SICK !! This year, for those parents who need something a little more … exciting … should choose the Baby Kitteh Zombie costume. Secure that neck biting baby zombie in an adorable little kitteh suit and when friends and family get close to get a closer look … unleash the flesh eating fury of Baby Kitteh Zombie.

Can of Zombie Spam: As much as people pretend that they don’t like SPAM, we all know deep down that the congealed pink meat will always be one of our favorites. It looks like cat food, smells like food and well … It doesn’t matter because we still love it, so much so that we dress up like it for All Hallows Eve. The great thing about this costume is that the love for the pink meat juice is so strong, it’s a natural attractant for a zombie massacre. Not only can you eat the laymen who get too close to your Fancy Feast aura, you can also eat yourself if you are still hungry afterwards.

Zombie Flower: Some ladies just want to look pretty and dainty and delicate and not like a slutty version of something that is usually associated with not slutty traits. But naturally, they still want to be zombies. Our solution: the “Zombie Flower”. The cold hard truth of the matter is that when you pick a flower, you have just commited murder. So that pretty, delicate, dainty thing now wants it’s sweet smelling revenge! I think the costume would come with a bee with it’s skull ripped open, dripping delicious honey comb shaped BEERAINS!

Zombie Ghost: To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how the back story logistics work on this one. What I do know is that the ghost, while formerly a staple of the halloween costume hirearchy, has sort of fallen out of favor in recent years due to the wearer often being beaten savagely in a case of confused racist. So clearly the ghost could use a little costume rehabilitation. And the ghost lends itself to Zombification in a couple ways. First, you only get a ghost if somebody dies. That’s ingredients one through seven of Zombie! So it could either be that the zombie bite not only transforms the flesh, but also infects the SPIRIT and then you’ve got a whole afterlife of souls for the Zombie ghost to hunt and devour! OR perhaps the ghost zombie is the result of an exorcism where a ghost is sort of, kind of killed. So the GHOST comes back to life. OR OR, the result of an exorcism performed by a ZOMBIE PRIEST! Wow, the ghost is kind of kick ass now. You’re welcome ghosts. Now stop haunting everything we own!

Zombie Battery: … ‘Cause batteries die. And, zombies… And… batteries.

“BrAAAins!”

Come on! It’s hilarious if you don’t think about it!

Happy Trick or Treat! Reach way down in that candy bucket to get the best candy! Trust us, you’ll thank us later.

Happy Birthday iPhone, You Skinny Bitch

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Wow, I can’t believe that it’s been four whole years since we started dating. It only seems like yesterday when your camera only had 2 megapixels and you still had your cute baby fat which I was really attracted to. You were such a simpler girlfriend back then, so much nicer, you used to be so attentive to my needs, God I miss those days. Over the years you’ve changed. You started working out, tanning, getting your hair colored and even started yoga even though you said you hated it. You’ve started dressing different now that you’re so svelte and it seems you hardly even notice me anymore since you’ve become so “Hollywood”. I’ve just become “that guy who carries me around”, and that really hurts because I have a name damnit.

I remember when you used to weigh 135 grams. Yes I said it, I know you don’t want anyone to know how big you used to be, but since our relationship is going downhill, I’m going to air out all of our dirty laundry right here, right now! I used to lovingly lug you around in my pocket, and trust me it wasn’t easy back then, but sacrifice is how relationships work. I loved you, and you loved me and nothing else mattered. But now you have competition with that new sexy Android slut, and even though I would never look at her in a lustful way, your jealousy is getting the best of you. I understand if you’re looking for a way out of what we have, but let me tell you, you’re making a huge mistake. She’s sexy yes, but you are my true love! True, I may have held her a couple of times and commented on her gigantic screen, but none of that matters. You’re way hotter than her. I don’t care if you enlarged your screens, got lasik surgery for better sight, increased your knowledge with those fancy French and pottery classes you’ve been taking. I don’t care that you’ve lost 3.5 mm from your waist, I used to adore those cute love handles. Remember how I would grab on to those babies? Smacking that ass, your loud ringtones going off, and how hot your battery charger used to get  when I was all up in … sorry … I’m losing focus, but you know what I mean.

I hope this letter reaches you well, and I really do hope that you’ve found your true happiness out there wherever it may be. But just know that there’s a guy out there that still really cares about you regardless of what you look like, because he knows the real you and I don’t even care that you’ve gained 2 grams over the years. A guy who will always be there for you if you ever choose to return, and still smiles when he thinks about the fun times we used to have in the car with Shazam.

Happy Birthday

Brain Cancer? There’s an App For That.

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Well, the good news is that the asshole sitting in front of you who took that call in the middle of the super dramatic and or touching moment during the last half hour of the future Oscar nominated Kung Fu Panda 2 this Sunday afternoon, and who’s whispering voice is louder than most toddler wails, is going to die a horrible screaming death, unable to recognize even his closest loved ones as the thing growing in his head lurches one final time and mashes all that was him against the inside of his skull and explodes.

The bad news: so will all of the rest of us otherwise thoughtful, conscientious movie goers.

You see, in the future, your cell phone has murdered you already.

In the industrialized world, everything we eat, make, or look at is killing us, so it should come as no surprise that something we’ve often been told is probably killing us is probably killing us. Tuesday the World Health Organization released the results of a study that suggests that cell phones may cause cancer and are categorized as being as hazardous as lead, engine exhaust and chloroform, making them basically as dangerous as anything else made in China.

See, cell phones emit non-ionizing radiation. The kind that the article describes, saying it like it’s a good thing, as “like a very low-powered microwave oven.”

“What microwave radiation does in most simplistic terms is similar to what happens to food in microwaves, essentially cooking the brain. So in addition to leading to a development of cancer and tumors, there could be a whole host of other effects like cognitive memory function, since the memory temporal lobes are where we hold our cell phones.”

We are holding tiny microwave ovens to our heads and nuking our memories.

Introducing the new iTumorer 4GT! Only $599 with contract!
Introducing the new iTumorer 4GT! Only $599 with contract!

So what will be done? Well, if you said “With the swiftness of the angels choir, we, the consumer, will take this new found knowledge, given to us by those looking out for our own best interest so that we might better preserve our personal well being, and use it in the manner intended, to protect ourselves from those who might instead have their own personal gain as their most prescient thought. While those responsible for the manufacture and sale of these products will surely see that theirs is a dangerous gadget and will redouble their efforts to safeguard their precious customers, of whom their entire existence relies, to ensure that in the future they are delivering nothing but the finest quality product for the money because it is what the customer deserves, and what they certainly don’t deserve is a brain full of cancers.” then you were clearly born sometime during the reading of this article and that the well reasoned and insightful response of a mind not privy to the selfishness and stupidity of the world that awaits you, while certainly sounding measured and clear in your newborn head instead likely came out only as a mouth full of goo followed by a scream fueled by your first breath of life.

The truth is of course that this will change absolutely nothing. We’ve known since the advent of the cell phone that holding something against our head that is shooting invisible beams into space which are in turn being shot right back through self same head at the speed of light probably isn’t the best thing we could be doing to it, but that doesn’t stop us from buying the newest one the second we are legally allowed to. Knowing that our phones are cooking our gray meat isn’t going to keep us from using them. Sure, I might get myself a new hands free ear bud, but then the second that stops working I’ll be pressing my skull roasting rectangle back to my face and jerkeying my memories again.

The simple fact of the matter is that they could call the damned thing the iTumorer 4GT and there would be a line around the block for it come release day just so long as it had three cameras, weighed a 64th of an ounce less and had 64gigs to put all of the music that we’d forgotten why we liked because that part of our brain now had the texture of over defrosted chicken.

The benzene is what gives it that smooth, full body flavor.
The benzene is what gives it that smooth, full body flavor.

You know how many cigarettes are still sold in the world every day? Neither do I, because I’ve got more important things to do than count cigarettes, but the point is, there’s still a lot, and what’s crazy is that new people begin smoking every day. Cigarettes are now sold wrapped entirely in warning labels that tell you plainly that inhaling the cylinders held within will give you a fatal disease or your money back, and people are still buying them. People who have never lived a day on this planet without the knowledge of this inevitability are STILL STARTING to do this thing as I type this. People could not be warned about the dangers of this entirely legal item any more if the only way they could buy them in the store was if they had to recite the entire Surgeon General’s warning along with their brand before being given a pack. So telling people that the rectangle in their pocket that contains their entire life might kill them isn’t going to phase anyone.

Did you also know that every time you have ever used your phone ever, you’ve been doing it wrong, and Apple has desperately been trying to protect you this whole time. In the iPhone user manual it says that in order to not exceed FCC radiation exposure guidelines while using it as it’s designed to be used to, “keep iPhone at least 15 mm (5/8 inch) away from the body.” They’re fully aware what they have to say they told you about not cooking your brain, and they’re just as aware that you’re not going to read that, or if you did, you probably chuckled and thought how stupid it was. It doesn’t matter how impossible that would make the USE of your “phone” in what is supposed to be its primary function of listening to someone on the other end relaying verbal information through a speaker that wouldn’t work well enough if you implanted it in your skull. You’re holding it too close to not get cancer, so it’s your fault if you didn’t use their product as directed.

So in the end this new found knowledge is going to do exactly nothing. People are going to continue using their cell phones with the full understanding that it is slowly killing them and they’re simply not going to care. So really, is it actually better to know exactly what’s killing you, or to just go on assuming that everything is, knowing that you’re probably right anyway? In the meantime, if you want to get a hold of me, buy a stamp and make sure it’s worth a week for my response. I’ll be in the lime pit I’ve dug in my backyard and covered with moss and wishes. That ought to keep me safe, at least until scientists tell me that wishes give you AIDS…

Brain Cancer? There's an App For That.

Posted on

Well, the good news is that the asshole sitting in front of you who took that call in the middle of the super dramatic and or touching moment during the last half hour of the future Oscar nominated Kung Fu Panda 2 this Sunday afternoon, and who’s whispering voice is louder than most toddler wails, is going to die a horrible screaming death, unable to recognize even his closest loved ones as the thing growing in his head lurches one final time and mashes all that was him against the inside of his skull and explodes.

The bad news: so will all of the rest of us otherwise thoughtful, conscientious movie goers.

You see, in the future, your cell phone has murdered you already.

In the industrialized world, everything we eat, make, or look at is killing us, so it should come as no surprise that something we’ve often been told is probably killing us is probably killing us. Tuesday the World Health Organization released the results of a study that suggests that cell phones may cause cancer and are categorized as being as hazardous as lead, engine exhaust and chloroform, making them basically as dangerous as anything else made in China.

See, cell phones emit non-ionizing radiation. The kind that the article describes, saying it like it’s a good thing, as “like a very low-powered microwave oven.”

“What microwave radiation does in most simplistic terms is similar to what happens to food in microwaves, essentially cooking the brain. So in addition to leading to a development of cancer and tumors, there could be a whole host of other effects like cognitive memory function, since the memory temporal lobes are where we hold our cell phones.”

We are holding tiny microwave ovens to our heads and nuking our memories.

Introducing the new iTumorer 4GT! Only $599 with contract!
Introducing the new iTumorer 4GT! Only $599 with contract!

So what will be done? Well, if you said “With the swiftness of the angels choir, we, the consumer, will take this new found knowledge, given to us by those looking out for our own best interest so that we might better preserve our personal well being, and use it in the manner intended, to protect ourselves from those who might instead have their own personal gain as their most prescient thought. While those responsible for the manufacture and sale of these products will surely see that theirs is a dangerous gadget and will redouble their efforts to safeguard their precious customers, of whom their entire existence relies, to ensure that in the future they are delivering nothing but the finest quality product for the money because it is what the customer deserves, and what they certainly don’t deserve is a brain full of cancers.” then you were clearly born sometime during the reading of this article and that the well reasoned and insightful response of a mind not privy to the selfishness and stupidity of the world that awaits you, while certainly sounding measured and clear in your newborn head instead likely came out only as a mouth full of goo followed by a scream fueled by your first breath of life.

The truth is of course that this will change absolutely nothing. We’ve known since the advent of the cell phone that holding something against our head that is shooting invisible beams into space which are in turn being shot right back through self same head at the speed of light probably isn’t the best thing we could be doing to it, but that doesn’t stop us from buying the newest one the second we are legally allowed to. Knowing that our phones are cooking our gray meat isn’t going to keep us from using them. Sure, I might get myself a new hands free ear bud, but then the second that stops working I’ll be pressing my skull roasting rectangle back to my face and jerkeying my memories again.

The simple fact of the matter is that they could call the damned thing the iTumorer 4GT and there would be a line around the block for it come release day just so long as it had three cameras, weighed a 64th of an ounce less and had 64gigs to put all of the music that we’d forgotten why we liked because that part of our brain now had the texture of over defrosted chicken.

The benzene is what gives it that smooth, full body flavor.
The benzene is what gives it that smooth, full body flavor.

You know how many cigarettes are still sold in the world every day? Neither do I, because I’ve got more important things to do than count cigarettes, but the point is, there’s still a lot, and what’s crazy is that new people begin smoking every day. Cigarettes are now sold wrapped entirely in warning labels that tell you plainly that inhaling the cylinders held within will give you a fatal disease or your money back, and people are still buying them. People who have never lived a day on this planet without the knowledge of this inevitability are STILL STARTING to do this thing as I type this. People could not be warned about the dangers of this entirely legal item any more if the only way they could buy them in the store was if they had to recite the entire Surgeon General’s warning along with their brand before being given a pack. So telling people that the rectangle in their pocket that contains their entire life might kill them isn’t going to phase anyone.

Did you also know that every time you have ever used your phone ever, you’ve been doing it wrong, and Apple has desperately been trying to protect you this whole time. In the iPhone user manual it says that in order to not exceed FCC radiation exposure guidelines while using it as it’s designed to be used to, “keep iPhone at least 15 mm (5/8 inch) away from the body.” They’re fully aware what they have to say they told you about not cooking your brain, and they’re just as aware that you’re not going to read that, or if you did, you probably chuckled and thought how stupid it was. It doesn’t matter how impossible that would make the USE of your “phone” in what is supposed to be its primary function of listening to someone on the other end relaying verbal information through a speaker that wouldn’t work well enough if you implanted it in your skull. You’re holding it too close to not get cancer, so it’s your fault if you didn’t use their product as directed.

So in the end this new found knowledge is going to do exactly nothing. People are going to continue using their cell phones with the full understanding that it is slowly killing them and they’re simply not going to care. So really, is it actually better to know exactly what’s killing you, or to just go on assuming that everything is, knowing that you’re probably right anyway? In the meantime, if you want to get a hold of me, buy a stamp and make sure it’s worth a week for my response. I’ll be in the lime pit I’ve dug in my backyard and covered with moss and wishes. That ought to keep me safe, at least until scientists tell me that wishes give you AIDS…

The White, Ambiguously Non-Racist, iPhone 4 Announced

Posted on Updated on

God, I even SMELL like a Nazi

The multi-billionaire, close to owning the world, old, white, arrogant, eat at the finest restaurants every night, cigar smoking men at Apple have just completely outdone themselves today. They just announced that at the end of this month they will be releasing a white iPhone 4. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more controversial with this company, they just blatantly yell to the world … “Hey, we’re racist, now suck our iPad!” A WHITE iPHONE! Might as well call it the Aryan race iPhone while you’re at it. The nerve! White! Have you ever seen a white apple? NO! Didn’t think so, they’re red, yellow and green. Although green kinda detracts from my rant/argument, I’m going to leave it in there because I’m sure aliens are green and they would be offended too, but I digress.

You would think that making millions upon billions upon kajillions of dollars year after year you could at least have the smallest ‘politically correct’ bone in your old honky bodies. You would think that coming from men who are slathered in embalming fluid every night with peacock feathers by hot Ukranian mail order brides would have the decency to realize that the rest of the world doesn’t have it quite as good as they do and would think, “hey, maybe we should end this whole race issue”. But do you think they can? No! They just can’t help themselves, they have to keep the white man strong, and on top, and in the lead.

I make so much money that I look like Christian Bale, right ladies?

Well to that all I can say is bullshit! This is a public boycott against Apple and their segregationistic ways! A boycott against their pretty, shiny, white, meatloaf eating products! We must rise up, we must unite against this ivory tower of technology and bigotry. We can no longer stand in lines for two days prior to a release of the “manna” that Steve Jobs and his Apple cronies deem worthy to bestow upon their brainwashed minions. The madness must end, and it must end today!!

A message from the CEO of Van Full of Candy: Good morning everyone. We would like to reiterate that the opinions expressed here are the views of the writer, specifically in this case Jason, and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Van Full of Candy and their kind and extremely generous corporate sponsors. Upon finding out that Apple did indeed make a black iPhone, Jason immediately passed out and hit his head rather hard against the wooden floor. As he was being loaded into the ambulance he was mumbling something about stand strong for the brown, yellow and red iPhones that have yet to be made by the racist assholes otherwise known as Apple, Inc.

Thank you.

Can't we all just get the F along?