James Franco

Celebrity News: So Crazy, it’s True

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Celebrities, they’re who we pretend we’re having sex with when we’re just giving it to the ol’ lady because it feels like it’s probably about time that we should. Celebrities live lives that are too ridiculous to be believed most of the time, flying around the world and being interviewed about the latest thing they were filmed pretending to be, like a soldier, or a talking car, or a talking car soldier. They’re just more interesting than regular people, automatically. But some times real life celebrity stories are almost too stupid to be believed. So we at Van Full of Candy present you with this quick little exercise “Celebrity News: Yuh-huh or Nu-uh”. Can you guess which stories are too good to be true and which are just dumb enough to be real? Come along with us and put your celebrity nonsensiscope to the test!
DON'T HURT MY JUSTY-JUST, MR. PEANUT!
DON'T HURT MY JUSTY-JUST, MR. PEANUT!

Justin Bieber Rushed to Hospital for Violent Peanut Alergy

Teen, tween and twinfant heart throb Justin Bieber was whisked away to Atlanta Methodist Hospital late last night when he inadvertantly ingested a candy coated cashew that had been mistakenly sprinkled on the frozen yogurt treat that he customarily shares with an adoring fan during his tender ballad “Baby”.
NU-UH: As far as I know Justin Bieber is impervious to pain. There’s no evidence that I know of that he is not in fact an immortal who’s actually been here since the dawn of history, only now finally making himself known to the world. I can’t say any of those things are true or false, but I do know he wasn’t rushed to the hospital because of legume aversion… And he probably doesn’t call a squealing fan up on stage to share a delicious cup of Fro-yo mid concert… But he should…
Imagine my elbow in your stupid nostril!
Imagine my elbow in your stupid nostril!

James Franco Makes Invisible Art/Sells it for Real Money

When he’s not pursuing a multitude of college degrees, acting in soap operas and major stoner themed motion pictures, guest professoring, being a rock star or modeling on the side, you know, to make ends meet, James Franco is hard at work selling sculptures that he hasn’t sculpted and movies that he hasn’t movied.

YUH-HUH: Absolutely fucking true. Not only that, but apparently Johnny Renaissance has helped this pretentious institution well beyond merely contributing the “film” “Red Leaves” (valued at $25) but also a costume from the film, that I should remind you, doesn’t exist (valued at $50) and a sculpture (which exists just as not as the rest of the previously numerated items but is still somehow valued at a non-imaginary $100), but also helping open MONA, the “Museum of Non-Visible Art”. If he wasn’t violently punchable before, now the fact that he’s selling people imagination just makes we want to pummel his squinty face until his head becomes a found object to be used in another imaginary piece of art.

Oh, it's real alright

Kim Kardashian Gets Her Butt X-Ray’d

Khloe Kardashian posts on her blog, “Hey dolls. The PROOF is in the X-ray. Kim’s ass is 100% real!!!”. Kim Kardashian, trying to disprove the theories that her larger than life ass is real, got it X-ray’d to prove that it has no implants in it whatsoever.
YUH-HUH: This story has got to be one of the biggest wastes of medical resources available. If you have to “prove” that your ass is real, then there’s something wrong with white people everywhere, because I can tell you that there is not a single African American male in this world that would ever ask that question to her. And who cares if it’s fake, look at that damn thing, I just wanna snuggle up in it like a bean bag and watch The Neverending Story with a bowl of popcorn.
We f'ing just pulled off the best stunt ever

Jackass Tricks You Again – Ryan Dunn Is Alive

In one of the biggest publicity stunts ever, Ryan Dunn, Bam Magera and Johnny Knoxville of JackAss come clean that the death of Ryan Dunn was the biggest and best prank that they have ever pulled off. Dunn said about the stunt, “the hardest part of this whole thing wasn’t making people believe I was dead, but it was actually crashing my badass Porsche, oh well, it was worth it cause we got ya’ll good this time”. Reports that the local police and fire-department were also in on the prank made it that much more credible.
NU-UH: Sorry kids, this story is not real, well at least it isn’t real yet. See the problem is, we really don’t know if he’s dead or alive, just like we don’t know most of the shit that is spewed to us through the media box that tells us how to live. We don’t know if these guys pulled a sweet-ass prank on the world, or if he really died since they are the boys-who-cry-wolf of a spectacular fashion. If it is true and Ryan Dunn has passed away, then that sucks, but if he’s alive, then that sucks too because: 1. They got us, and: 2. We didn’ t learn that drinking and driving expensive cars at excessive speeds is dangerous, but that it’s a cool way to stunt for publicity.

Celebrity News: So Crazy, it's True

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DON'T HURT MY JUSTY-JUST, MR. PEANUT!
DON’T HURT MY JUSTY-JUST, MR. PEANUT!

Justin Bieber Rushed to Hospital for Violent Peanut Alergy

Imagine my elbow in your stupid nostril!

James Franco Makes Invisible Art/Sells it for Real Money

When he’s not pursuing a multitude of college degrees, acting in soap operas and major stoner themed motion pictures, guest professoring, being a rock star or modeling on the side, you know, to make ends meet, James Franco is hard at work selling sculptures that he hasn’t sculpted and movies that he hasn’t movied.

YUH-HUH: Absolutely fucking true. Not only that, but apparently Johnny Renaissance has helped this pretentious institution well beyond merely contributing the “film” “Red Leaves” (valued at $25) but also a costume from the film, that I should remind you, doesn’t exist (valued at $50) and a sculpture (which exists just as not as the rest of the previously numerated items but is still somehow valued at a non-imaginary $100), but also helping open MONA, the “Museum of Non-Visible Art”. If he wasn’t violently punchable before, now the fact that he’s selling people imagination just makes we want to pummel his squinty face until his head becomes a found object to be used in another imaginary piece of art.

Oh, it’s real alright

Kim Kardashian Gets Her Butt X-Ray’d

Khloe Kardashian posts on her blog, “Hey dolls. The PROOF is in the X-ray. Kim’s ass is 100% real!!!”. Kim Kardashian, trying to disprove the theories that her larger than life ass is real, got it X-ray’d to prove that it has no implants in it whatsoever.
YUH-HUH: This story has got to be one of the biggest wastes of medical resources available. If you have to “prove” that your ass is real, then there’s something wrong with white people everywhere, because I can tell you that there is not a single African American male in this world that would ever ask that question to her. And who cares if it’s fake, look at that damn thing, I just wanna snuggle up in it like a bean bag and watch The Neverending Story with a bowl of popcorn.
We f’ing just pulled off the best stunt ever

Jackass Tricks You Again – Ryan Dunn Is Alive

In one of the biggest publicity stunts ever, Ryan Dunn, Bam Magera and Johnny Knoxville of JackAss come clean that the death of Ryan Dunn was the biggest and best prank that they have ever pulled off. Dunn said about the stunt, “the hardest part of this whole thing wasn’t making people believe I was dead, but it was actually crashing my badass Porsche, oh well, it was worth it cause we got ya’ll good this time”. Reports that the local police and fire-department were also in on the prank made it that much more credible.
NU-UH: Sorry kids, this story is not real, well at least it isn’t real yet. See the problem is, we really don’t know if he’s dead or alive, just like we don’t know most of the shit that is spewed to us through the media box that tells us how to live. We don’t know if these guys pulled a sweet-ass prank on the world, or if he really died since they are the boys-who-cry-wolf of a spectacular fashion. If it is true and Ryan Dunn has passed away, then that sucks, but if he’s alive, then that sucks too because: 1. They got us, and: 2. We didn’ t learn that drinking and driving expensive cars at excessive speeds is dangerous, but that it’s a cool way to stunt for publicity.

Two-Arm Two-Fer Tuesday

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And Thou Shalt Have Two Arms ... Count Them ... Two!!

I’m noticing a very strange and scary trend happening in the world right now, and it’s making me very uncomfortable, as it should you too. As I was watching a rerun of House, the medical show with the guy who has a cane and walks around with a limp, acting all “smarter than thou” and everything he says always perfectly fills his wit quota for the hour and who rides a motorcycle which confuses me because where does one put a cane when one rides a motorcycle(?), but that’s neither here nor there, but his limb being affected strangely has to do with what I’m writing about (which it didn’t on the inception of this blog thought). So, the rerun, I’m assuming it’s a rerun because I don’t actually watch the show on a regular basis as this was MAYBE the third time I have ever seen it, so if it isn’t a rerun please feel free to correct me in the comments below, or if it was, praise me in the comments below, thanks. So I’m just gonna go with “rerun” based on the fact that it was on “rerun’y” kind of channel, and since I only have rabbit ear antennae to watch TV and not cable, I’m going to bet on the higher end that this was a rerun, and the rabbit ear thing goes pretty well with Easter and that wasn’t the intention of mentioning rabbit ears in this blog either, but now realizing that this isn’t even about Easter, go ahead and forget that I made the connection, except for the fact that Easter is only five days away, so … it still works … kinda. So, the rerun, right, sorry. The episode is about a girl who is going to have to lose her arm because of cancer, and as I’m watching it, I start to think about the movie about the guy who fell in a cavern who

Damn you Lord ... NOT JESSICA !!!!!

was played by that guy who really sucked at hosting the award show where they give people gold statues for being in movies. So as I’m watching the show, I realize how upset this girl is in having to lose her arm, and it makes me think, “Wow, I guess losing a limb, arm in particular, would be on the high end of suck. What would I do? Heck, what would Jesus do?” Then I started to realize, hey, they just made a SECOND movie about arm loss where a surfer chick who isn’t played by that one country singer girl who was on that show about people who win recording contracts because they can sing and America votes for them, and that old lady used to be on it who had bad 80’s music videos. Anyway, so this surfer girl gets her arm bitten off by one of those characters that played Jaws in that movie about … Jaws, but even after losing her arm she continues to be a surfer and it’s supposed to be really motivational. So now I’m all worked up because I feel like we’re trying to be told something, by some higher power, or maybe just the movie people, and by something, I mean shit ass scary, and not in the “look what you can

And now even HOTTER!!

overcome” kind of way, but in the the “something wants you to grotesquely lose a limb in some extreme sport” kind of way. And as I sit here and type, I think, what if I really had to lose an arm? Which one would I pick? How could I get this blog done on time? Do you have any idea how long it would take to type all this nonsense with one hand? And would they make a movie about me? “Blogger Boy”, the motivational movie about a typer who loses an arm but continues to type, just slower so his readers have something to … read. I bet they would! But if they didn’t then I would write it, it would just take a whole hell of a lot  longer to finish. So let’s hear it for two arms!! Hooray!!

Movie Review: “Your Highness”

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We at Van Full of Candy are entertainment industry movers and shakers. Big shots. Fuckin’ important ‘n shit. That’s just a fact. As such we get invited to the advanced screenings of all of the biggest high profile cinematic events. People want us there, important people, they want to be associated with our awesome comedic might. We get EXCLUSIVE invitations handed to us in VIP flyer form by someone making $8 an hour while wandering around aimlessly through the bowels of Hollywood. This isn’t the kind of shit that just anyone who happened to be walking down that same street and had a couple hours free on a Monday night could get… We’re special! 

So after taking our place in line, then, taking our cell phones back to the car, (because I guess it would have been too distracting to all of the other important high rollers around us, wondering which Hollywood A-lister we were thumb gossiping with through the coming attractions) and finally taking a seat in OUR CHOICE of one of the first two rows of the theater (while the “real” press got to sit in much less spine destroying seats in the other 93% of the house, or as we call them “The Boring Stuck Up Assholes Club That Won’t Let Us In Already”… section) we finally got down to the business at hand… Show.

I am often known for my brief, snap reviews of movies as we sit through the credits, soaking in all of the wasted money and time of the sad individuals whose names so proudly scroll before us like they have anything at all to be proud of. And to get us started here was that snap review:

"Not really what you think it's about. Sorry Lord Smokey Von Puffington."
"Not really what you think it's about. Sorry Lord Smokey Von Puffington."

“I’ve never seen an eighty million dollar dick joke before.”

To be fair, I don’t know that this dick joke cost EXACTLY $80 million (since I can’t find the budget figures anywhere online), but it felt like it. So… congrats?

By now you’ve probably been stabbed in the face repeatedly by the “hilarious” trailers for “Your Highness”, the latest alleged pot comedy from the smokers of Hollywood’s most exclusive pots. Naturally, through the innuendo and targeted marketing of this buried in early April for good reason action comedy adventure doesn’t know what it wants to be, romp, one enters with certain expectations. Those expectations being another round from the twenty first century Cheech and Chong group following up their “success” in “Pineapple Express”.

The stoner movie has made a big come back in recent years and they just keep getting bigger and bigger with the more success they have. And there in lay the problem. With “Pineapple Express” they decided to try to advance the idiot buddy action comedy and for some weird ass reason, try to infuse some sort of spine into it. It was mildly humorous because we hadn’t exactly seen that before. But now we have, and among the many reasons “Your Highness” fails is because of their previous success.

I would have respected this movie more if it HAD just taken an old Cheech and Chong script and “reimagined” it with olde English dialogue. But they even managed to disappoint in making a weed movie.

"Unleash the fuckin' Kraken's cock! ... Fag."
"Unleash the fuckin' Kraken's cock! ... Fag."

This randomly assembled pile of insults to anyone who gives money to it, spends a hundred minutes of your life wishing like hell that it was something else while not really being sure exactly what that something else would be. My only guess as to how this script came together is that sometime back in 1994 the producers of “Your Highness” picked up a bland, regurgitated sword and sorcery story, forgot about it, then found it again in the bottom of a drawer somewhere and decided to just start filming it and let Danny McBride riff for a couple minutes every twenty pages or so. It’s like the people behind this movie went to see the new “Clash of the Titans” last year and thought, “You know, this is certainly a fantasmically exhilarating motion picture extravaganza, but I think what would truly make it a master piece is if every character ended each of their lines with ‘fuck’.”

So it’s a stoner comedy that will disappoint stoners. It’s a fantasy epic that will disappoint nerds. It’s a motion picture that will disappoint those with the gift of sight. And it’s a talkie which will make anyone curse the invention of the spoken language. A rare Spring Block-keeper-in-tacter that doesn’t have a little anything for no one. Huzzah!

Movie Review: "Your Highness"

Posted on

We at Van Full of Candy are entertainment industry movers and shakers. Big shots. Fuckin’ important ‘n shit. That’s just a fact. As such we get invited to the advanced screenings of all of the biggest high profile cinematic events. People want us there, important people, they want to be associated with our awesome comedic might. We get EXCLUSIVE invitations handed to us in VIP flyer form by someone making $8 an hour while wandering around aimlessly through the bowels of Hollywood. This isn’t the kind of shit that just anyone who happened to be walking down that same street and had a couple hours free on a Monday night could get… We’re special! 

So after taking our place in line, then, taking our cell phones back to the car, (because I guess it would have been too distracting to all of the other important high rollers around us, wondering which Hollywood A-lister we were thumb gossiping with through the coming attractions) and finally taking a seat in OUR CHOICE of one of the first two rows of the theater (while the “real” press got to sit in much less spine destroying seats in the other 93% of the house, or as we call them “The Boring Stuck Up Assholes Club That Won’t Let Us In Already”… section) we finally got down to the business at hand… Show.

I am often known for my brief, snap reviews of movies as we sit through the credits, soaking in all of the wasted money and time of the sad individuals whose names so proudly scroll before us like they have anything at all to be proud of. And to get us started here was that snap review:

"Not really what you think it's about. Sorry Lord Smokey Von Puffington."
"Not really what you think it's about. Sorry Lord Smokey Von Puffington."

“I’ve never seen an eighty million dollar dick joke before.”

To be fair, I don’t know that this dick joke cost EXACTLY $80 million (since I can’t find the budget figures anywhere online), but it felt like it. So… congrats?

By now you’ve probably been stabbed in the face repeatedly by the “hilarious” trailers for “Your Highness”, the latest alleged pot comedy from the smokers of Hollywood’s most exclusive pots. Naturally, through the innuendo and targeted marketing of this buried in early April for good reason action comedy adventure doesn’t know what it wants to be, romp, one enters with certain expectations. Those expectations being another round from the twenty first century Cheech and Chong group following up their “success” in “Pineapple Express”.

The stoner movie has made a big come back in recent years and they just keep getting bigger and bigger with the more success they have. And there in lay the problem. With “Pineapple Express” they decided to try to advance the idiot buddy action comedy and for some weird ass reason, try to infuse some sort of spine into it. It was mildly humorous because we hadn’t exactly seen that before. But now we have, and among the many reasons “Your Highness” fails is because of their previous success.

I would have respected this movie more if it HAD just taken an old Cheech and Chong script and “reimagined” it with olde English dialogue. But they even managed to disappoint in making a weed movie.

"Unleash the fuckin' Kraken's cock! ... Fag."
"Unleash the fuckin' Kraken's cock! ... Fag."

This randomly assembled pile of insults to anyone who gives money to it, spends a hundred minutes of your life wishing like hell that it was something else while not really being sure exactly what that something else would be. My only guess as to how this script came together is that sometime back in 1994 the producers of “Your Highness” picked up a bland, regurgitated sword and sorcery story, forgot about it, then found it again in the bottom of a drawer somewhere and decided to just start filming it and let Danny McBride riff for a couple minutes every twenty pages or so. It’s like the people behind this movie went to see the new “Clash of the Titans” last year and thought, “You know, this is certainly a fantasmically exhilarating motion picture extravaganza, but I think what would truly make it a master piece is if every character ended each of their lines with ‘fuck’.”

So it’s a stoner comedy that will disappoint stoners. It’s a fantasy epic that will disappoint nerds. It’s a motion picture that will disappoint those with the gift of sight. And it’s a talkie which will make anyone curse the invention of the spoken language. A rare Spring Block-keeper-in-tacter that doesn’t have a little anything for no one. Huzzah!