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We love My[ _____ ] now, Justin! Love us!

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OMG Ya’ll! O to the MUTHA FUCKIN’ G!!!

Did you hear? Did you hear the news!? Justin Timberlake owns My[_____]! I know! Well when I heard the news, I leapt out of my chair and kissed the nearest homeless person. Then I gave them a dollar to stop screaming at me.

When we at Van Full of Candy set up our web presence, we had largely ignored My[_____]. Almost solely because it lacked an element of Justin Timberlake ownership. But with the wonderful, magical news this morning that Justin Timberlake (as part of a partnership with Specific Media, but mostly just as Justin Timberlake) had purchased My[_____] from News Corp for only $35 million, (a miniscule fraction of the $580 million hat News Corp had paid for “MySpace” just a few short, heady years ago) I knew that we had to get our My[_____] on and get in on the ground floor of what can only be the single greatest thing to happen to the internet since the invention of the W! Here is the timeline of my throwing myself at the feet of Triple Threat McGee and his new Social Media Empire!

9:24 am: Read that Justin Timberlake personally bought My[_____] with his own gorgeous money.

9:25 am: Opened My[_____] account.

9:26 am: Sat, daydreaming about me and JT hangin’ out, being handsome.

9:31 am: Washed hands, began writing this article.

9:35 am: Posted first My[_____] status update.

9:36 am: Started looking for the perfect Hollywood hot spot for our first Champaign brunch with Justin SexyBack.

9:39 am: Took a break from brunch shopping to read my first My[_____] e-mail!

9:40 am: Visited the theme gallery and customized our profile:

9:43 am: Followed our fave Topics in movies, celeb and TV:

9:52 am: Listened to albums, created playlists, and more:

9:56 am: Didn’t connect with their many curators because I didn’t know what that meant and I was scared…

And then, at 10:25 am, after grooving to the JT express as hard and as loud as I could, I made the big step…

10:26 am: My little heart was broken…

10:27 am: … I cried. I cried so hard that I broke my cryer: I fear I may never be able to cry again.

Why Justin, why would you do this to me? I’ve done so much to show you my love, and this is how my affection is returned?

Sure, maybe I’m not Andy Samberg, maybe I can’t invite you onto my show and write you hilarious songs about boning each other’s parents. Maybe all I can do is love you, with all of my candy clogged heart, from afar, in the hopes that some day, SOME DAY, maybe that love will be returned in kind…

In the meantime, join us on the new JustinSpace page. Friend us, because if Justin sees just how cool and popular we are, surely he will be our friends. We couldn’t win Charlie Sheen’s heart, but please, help us make Justin love us!

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Mars' Bio Station Alpha: Confirmation by Denial

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There is a secret government space station, manned by a co-operative team of humans, aliens and human alien hybrids working together for no doubt nefarious purposes as we speak… on the surface of Mars! How do I know with absolute, unwavering, blind certainty that the crazy thing that I just said is the only pure, true fact in the entire world? Because someone else said it isn’t.

I don’t internet much. Most of the time you can find me by my butter churn or smelting furnace, whittling a squirrel out of a slightly larger squirrel. But apparently a member of my quilting squad tells me that there’s something called a YourTube which has a video going around right now in which “armchair astronaut” and hero of the human race, David Martines, exposes to the world a shocking discovery he made on one of his internet machines. And I tell you what, it was enough to make me drop my home spun wisdom spinner into my aw shucks bag like a ribble at a rabble rally. 

… yee haw…

Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.
Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.

So if you felt the very fabric of space and time shudder and whip around like a crank addled lemur a couple days ago, that was apparently when David warned infinity about his brain raping find: “Bio Station Alpha”. Clocking in at a wildly guessed at 700 feet long and 150 feet wide, this Martian base was discovered after a painstaking, exhausted “quite by accident” by Mr. Martines as he was diligently perusing Google Mars when he likely should have been doing something more important. Naturally after finding this tiny white pixellated smudge, David came to the only logical conclusion, that this was an artificial structure that that either currently or recently housed inhabitants of a secret nature.

But the powers that be are already working on damage control, sending out their first wave of “experts”, in the personage of Alfred McEwen, a “planetary geologist at the Lunar and Planetary Lab at the University of Arizona and the director of the Planetary Imaging Research Laboratory” and “principal investigator of the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE)”, a “powerful telescope” supposedly “currently “orbiting “Mars”””.

Like any of those things are real things. The only people with titles that long are made up vaguely sciency flim flammerists that the United States government dresses up in CVS photo mat lab coats to try to throw true, trail blazing space cops off the trail of something so big, so important, that it could kill your face off to know the true truth of it all.

But this “expert” CLAIMS that Bio Station Alpha, the very real and factual Martian habitat recorded on space film for the world to see by the Googles, is actually just a glitch in the image cause by “cosmic energy”. What the bullshit is that fucksense?! They’re not even trying with this! If you’re going to call me and Martines, two true believers in Bio Stations Alpha through Epsilon, crazy, then you need to counter with an explanation at least somewhat less crazy than our own!

“It looks like a linear streak artifact produced by a cosmic ray,” said Alfred McEwen, fake science credential collector.

Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha
Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha

To which I can only respond, “No, it doesn’t look like a cosmic ray, comic book scientist. It looks like a god damned secret government space station on the surface of the cold red planet Mars and you’re making yourself and your made up profession sound ridiculous!” If what this space camera caught on its space film was “cosmic rays” then how come it didn’t turn into a stretchy, invisible, on fire rock camera?

It didn’t did it? Did it? Because that would be an awesome space camera. I’m going to assume it didn’t because that best helps my argument. Cosmic rays? Doom says pah!

So the only logical, rational, reasonable explanation for this clump of pixels is that the government is now trying to cover up their secret extra terrestrial agenda. Of course experts are denying the existence of Bio Station Alpha. You know what else they deny exists? Area 51. According to our own peaceful, trustful government, Area 51 doesn’t exist. Just like Bio Station Alpha. So, therefor and to wit: if we are told that Area 51 doesn’t exist, but it does, then Bio Station Alpha must also exist since we’re told it doesn’t! Don’t you get it! You can’t even begin to understand just how deep the rabbit hole goes! It goes all the way down to the rabbit home, filled with all of the modern luxuries of an anthropomorphic wise cracking rabbit, which experts will also tell you don’t exist, but I have film evidence dating back to the 40s that calls them a god damned liar!

In the end what it comes down to is this: there is a space station on Mars. You can say there isn’t, but I can say there is, and since I said there is first, it’s up to you to prove definitively, beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is not now, nor has there ever been a life sustaining research facility on the surface of Mars. Just the same way that it is now up to the governments of the world to prove that there isn’t a space camera orbiting the Earth with the combined powers of the Fantastic Four.  Until then, the plain and simple fact of the matter is that thing that I just made up exists now too and no matter how much you try to tell me logically how it doesn’t, you can’t prove that there’s not a lab somewhere in Eastern Montana growing more of these super cameras to enslave the human race as we speak.

Ball’s in your court science.

Mars’ Bio Station Alpha: Confirmation by Denial

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There is a secret government space station, manned by a co-operative team of humans, aliens and human alien hybrids working together for no doubt nefarious purposes as we speak… on the surface of Mars! How do I know with absolute, unwavering, blind certainty that the crazy thing that I just said is the only pure, true fact in the entire world? Because someone else said it isn’t.

I don’t internet much. Most of the time you can find me by my butter churn or smelting furnace, whittling a squirrel out of a slightly larger squirrel. But apparently a member of my quilting squad tells me that there’s something called a YourTube which has a video going around right now in which “armchair astronaut” and hero of the human race, David Martines, exposes to the world a shocking discovery he made on one of his internet machines. And I tell you what, it was enough to make me drop my home spun wisdom spinner into my aw shucks bag like a ribble at a rabble rally. 

… yee haw…

Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.
Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.

So if you felt the very fabric of space and time shudder and whip around like a crank addled lemur a couple days ago, that was apparently when David warned infinity about his brain raping find: “Bio Station Alpha”. Clocking in at a wildly guessed at 700 feet long and 150 feet wide, this Martian base was discovered after a painstaking, exhausted “quite by accident” by Mr. Martines as he was diligently perusing Google Mars when he likely should have been doing something more important. Naturally after finding this tiny white pixellated smudge, David came to the only logical conclusion, that this was an artificial structure that that either currently or recently housed inhabitants of a secret nature.

But the powers that be are already working on damage control, sending out their first wave of “experts”, in the personage of Alfred McEwen, a “planetary geologist at the Lunar and Planetary Lab at the University of Arizona and the director of the Planetary Imaging Research Laboratory” and “principal investigator of the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE)”, a “powerful telescope” supposedly “currently “orbiting “Mars”””.

Like any of those things are real things. The only people with titles that long are made up vaguely sciency flim flammerists that the United States government dresses up in CVS photo mat lab coats to try to throw true, trail blazing space cops off the trail of something so big, so important, that it could kill your face off to know the true truth of it all.

But this “expert” CLAIMS that Bio Station Alpha, the very real and factual Martian habitat recorded on space film for the world to see by the Googles, is actually just a glitch in the image cause by “cosmic energy”. What the bullshit is that fucksense?! They’re not even trying with this! If you’re going to call me and Martines, two true believers in Bio Stations Alpha through Epsilon, crazy, then you need to counter with an explanation at least somewhat less crazy than our own!

“It looks like a linear streak artifact produced by a cosmic ray,” said Alfred McEwen, fake science credential collector.

Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha
Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha

To which I can only respond, “No, it doesn’t look like a cosmic ray, comic book scientist. It looks like a god damned secret government space station on the surface of the cold red planet Mars and you’re making yourself and your made up profession sound ridiculous!” If what this space camera caught on its space film was “cosmic rays” then how come it didn’t turn into a stretchy, invisible, on fire rock camera?

It didn’t did it? Did it? Because that would be an awesome space camera. I’m going to assume it didn’t because that best helps my argument. Cosmic rays? Doom says pah!

So the only logical, rational, reasonable explanation for this clump of pixels is that the government is now trying to cover up their secret extra terrestrial agenda. Of course experts are denying the existence of Bio Station Alpha. You know what else they deny exists? Area 51. According to our own peaceful, trustful government, Area 51 doesn’t exist. Just like Bio Station Alpha. So, therefor and to wit: if we are told that Area 51 doesn’t exist, but it does, then Bio Station Alpha must also exist since we’re told it doesn’t! Don’t you get it! You can’t even begin to understand just how deep the rabbit hole goes! It goes all the way down to the rabbit home, filled with all of the modern luxuries of an anthropomorphic wise cracking rabbit, which experts will also tell you don’t exist, but I have film evidence dating back to the 40s that calls them a god damned liar!

In the end what it comes down to is this: there is a space station on Mars. You can say there isn’t, but I can say there is, and since I said there is first, it’s up to you to prove definitively, beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is not now, nor has there ever been a life sustaining research facility on the surface of Mars. Just the same way that it is now up to the governments of the world to prove that there isn’t a space camera orbiting the Earth with the combined powers of the Fantastic Four.  Until then, the plain and simple fact of the matter is that thing that I just made up exists now too and no matter how much you try to tell me logically how it doesn’t, you can’t prove that there’s not a lab somewhere in Eastern Montana growing more of these super cameras to enslave the human race as we speak.

Ball’s in your court science.

The Things We Do For Love

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Love. It’ll make you do crazy things. Like, spell out your crush’s name in alphabet soup and text them a picture of it. Maybe hide little love notes in the Sunday classifieds. Or, if you’re really in love, cut off your beloved’s head in front of a school full of people fully not intending to be covered in neck juices today.

I read a lot of headlines when trying to come up with what I’m going to write about in a given day. Here at Van Full of Candy we do an article a day, rain or shine, every week day, without fail. That’s our promise, to you, the viewer. Sometimes the news is boring and it’s difficult to choose what to write about. I personally can only scream about my distrust of space and my legally frowned upon love of Justin Bieber so many times before I start attracting unwanted attention from swarthy, beautiful, Bieber Saucers from beyond the stars. And not again I say.

But scanning the news this afternoon I came upon this story: apparently a man in India beheaded a woman as she was leaving her classroom Wednesday.

"I am GOD here, my cud is final!"
"I am GOD here, my cud is final!"

Now, before we get into this, let me just say that I am in no way making light of the loss of life here. This is a horrible thing, without question and this lunatic should be dealt with in the most severe way that Indian courts allow. Which I assume is to feed him to a cow, if I understand my Indian culture correctly, which I almost certainly do not. Now with that out of the way, let me get back to the hahas.

The headline calls this man “lovesick”, which I can only assume is the nicest possible way the AP copy editor can phrase “batshit insane”. Apparently his main, discernible motivation, according to the police was that he so loved this woman that he had by now brutally murdered in one of the most violent and deliberate ways which one can murder another individual, but her parents would not allow them to marry. So naturally, he had to Highlander her. I don’t think you can in good conscience call a guy who bisects his love interest’s head from their body “lovesick” unless while in prison he is clinically diagnosed with a love sickness which causes the infected individual to believe that the removal of vital segments of the human body is the ultimate expression of emotional love for another not long living individual. So how about we not cutesy it up, ay Associated Press?

When flowers just won't do, say "I love you" with a Khykri.
When flowers just won't do, say "I love you" with a Khykri.

Elsewhere in the brief article the “writer” goes on to say that the swordsman was arrested “on suspicion” of killing the victim and that he “allegedly” attacked her with a ceremonial curved weapon called a khykri. Now, I understand that in America we have to use certain words when describing the actions and perpetrator of said actions because of how our news media and justice system like to fuck with each other. But when you have a gentleman, holding a sword, next to a body with a now detached head that, in all likely hood, did not have that as a standard feature moments before, surrounded by blood soaked students, holding onto this lunatic until police could arrive, and who is now explaining to the police that he had ALSO intended to kill himself, I think it’s fairly safe to drop any sort of lingering suspicion as to whether or not he’s responsible for the untimely weight loss of the student at our feet.

But along with these questions I have of the lax hiring practices at the Associated Press, when I read something like this, I can’t help but have dozens of other, admittedly sort of morbid, but still I think valid questions, come to mind. How, for instance, this guy was just able to waltz onto this campus, what ever size it was, with a ceremonial knife and slicin’ on his mind. I realize this isn’t metal detector high school like we have here in America, but still, a guy with a special blade should draw some kind of attention. Or how this guy running around the halls with a commemorative sword was able to walk right up to this woman and just take her head for a ride BEFORE anyone thought it might be a good idea to make sure she was expecting a meeting between her throat and his simitar. OR, and this is the biggie, as the story simply says “Authorities say the blade sliced her head off and she died instantly” how the fuck the particulars of this case exactly went down. When I think beheading I think of a long drawn out process involving a sawing like motion. I don’t generally think Kill Bill style, slow motion mid air head flipping following one swift, dramatic stroke. Granted, I haven’t seen a lot of beheadings lately, so maybe I’m not the expect on how tenaciously the spine clings to the brain stem, but I expected those bones in our neck were there for more than just show.

You know what, I don’t know what to think about any of this or even why I think it. I just know that clearly, I’ve never truly loved in what I generously call my “life” because not once have I ever entertained the thought of making something six inches shorter because I was told I couldn’t have it… Maybe I just don’t know how to love hard enough.

The Eagle Has Landed … Well … Sorta. Ok, We're Lying

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I go space … I get many medals
Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the first human spaceflight. Supposedly some Russian named Yuri Gagarin was the first human to be launched into space on April 12, 1961. Ever heard of him? Didn’t think so. I think it’s cute how “they” want us to believe that people were actually launched into space in 1961. The Russians barely even had cars that far back and the ones they did have had 23horsepower. So you want us to believe you could put a 5 ton piece of metal in space with a human in it and have that human return safely to the earth? Awwwww, that’s sweet. Now look, I’m not saying I’m anti-Russian, or anti-Spacetravel, or even anti-Cavity for that matter, but let’s be real shall we?
Is good day for space travel, no?
When you see footage of “space travel” from the sixties, it’s pretty eye-opening how far our Hollywood production has come. They should just get rid of all the footage from the past, and redo it and tell us that they’ve enhanced it digitally, put it in HD and burn the fake shit. Don’t believe me? Then take a look at the Russian “video”, it’s eight minutes, so get a cold one and relax.
Hey guys, can I please take 15? I’ve gotta piss like a racehorse.

Since we’re on the topic of bullshit space travel, lets not forget the ol’ U S of A’s attempt to trick us as well. Apparently we landed on the moon, put a flag up there, bounced around and played golf on July 20, 1969. Now if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge for sale in … ummm … crap, I forgot the joke, but you know what I mean. So my question is, being that we’ve advanced our technology so far in the last 40+ years, then why in the world are we not going back to the moon? I mean shouldn’t we clean up the mess that we left there? Shouldn’t we go back and at least “prove” to the world that we were actually there? Shit, we got there in the 60’s, we should be able to take a plane there these days and hangout for the weekend. I smell something fishy, and it’s not the hooker in the back of the van.

Leave us a comment, tell us if you believe US or THEM.

The Eagle Has Landed … Well … Sorta. Ok, We’re Lying

Posted on Updated on

I go space ... I get many medals
Today marks the 50th Anniversary of the first human spaceflight. Supposedly some Russian named Yuri Gagarin was the first human to be launched into space on April 12, 1961. Ever heard of him? Didn’t think so. I think it’s cute how “they” want us to believe that people were actually launched into space in 1961. The Russians barely even had cars that far back and the ones they did have had 23horsepower. So you want us to believe you could put a 5 ton piece of metal in space with a human in it and have that human return safely to the earth? Awwwww, that’s sweet. Now look, I’m not saying I’m anti-Russian, or anti-Spacetravel, or even anti-Cavity for that matter, but let’s be real shall we?
Is good day for space travel, no?
When you see footage of “space travel” from the sixties, it’s pretty eye-opening how far our Hollywood production has come. They should just get rid of all the footage from the past, and redo it and tell us that they’ve enhanced it digitally, put it in HD and burn the fake shit. Don’t believe me? Then take a look at the Russian “video”, it’s eight minutes, so get a cold one and relax.
Hey guys, can I please take 15? I've gotta piss like a racehorse.

Since we’re on the topic of bullshit space travel, lets not forget the ol’ U S of A’s attempt to trick us as well. Apparently we landed on the moon, put a flag up there, bounced around and played golf on July 20, 1969. Now if you believe that, I’ve got a bridge for sale in … ummm … crap, I forgot the joke, but you know what I mean. So my question is, being that we’ve advanced our technology so far in the last 40+ years, then why in the world are we not going back to the moon? I mean shouldn’t we clean up the mess that we left there? Shouldn’t we go back and at least “prove” to the world that we were actually there? Shit, we got there in the 60’s, we should be able to take a plane there these days and hangout for the weekend. I smell something fishy, and it’s not the hooker in the back of the van.

Leave us a comment, tell us if you believe US or THEM.

Space Wants You Dead

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This can't be real... THIS CAN'T BE REAL!
This can't be real... THIS CAN'T BE REAL!

We are all going to be murdered by a giant green blob, the size of our entire galaxy, THAT SHITS STARS!

Why am I the only one screaming!?

So what if it’s 650 million light years away? How do you know that some living space cloud, the size of what we can’t even begin to imagine with our tiny little ape brains and who’s waste product is a giant ball of nuclear fission doesn’t have some way of traversing that distance in a week and a half? You don’t know! How do you know!? YOU DON’T KNOW!

Okay, alright, let me start over…

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t worry about something in space killing us without even noticing it. You really have no idea how tiny and fragile and defenseless we are. We’re only all still alive because some wandering brown dwarf hasn’t tumbled by, ripping our entire atmosphere off and going on about it’s merry way without batting a stupid, dwarven little eye… Yet. So when I hear about us actually discovering something so mind rapingly insane just trudging through the universe, I have two reactions. One; sweet tangy Christ, that thing wants to murder me, and two; if we’ve actually managed to discover this thing, what other nightmares are out there waiting for me that I haven’t even imagined to be frightened of yet?

Mrow, fuck you!
Mrow, fuck you!

This humongous sun crapper was first discovered by a dutch elementary school teacher thumbing through NASA’s packed away photo albums in 2007. NASA has a program called the Galaxy Zoo Project where they apparently take old shoe boxes full of dusty snap shots of the fucking unknown wonders of deep space, that they just hand out to anyone and say, “Hey, could you rifle through these eight by ten color glossies of infinity and see if there’s anything out there in the great vastyness of all of creation, billions of years of existence spanning farther than we’ve ever made words to describe that might want to obliterate everything we’ve ever known through power unimaginable? Thanks, you’re a Reuben. We’ll just be over here testing how hilarious it is when cats try to pee in zero gravity.”

A giant green blob in space is exactly the kind of thing that Star Trek has been trying to prepare us for all these years, and now, when we finally find it, it’s treated like we didn’t just discover our own tombstones floating in the sky.

I realize budgets are tight, but I think there should be more than just a volunteer brigade of wooden shoe wearing elementary school teachers in charge of making sure we know about the scariest shit imaginable floating around in the void. We have a giant telescope in the sky, taking pictures of everything, shouldn’t there be someone who’s job it is to look at those pictures, you know, when our other chocolate chomping experts are busy grading spelling tests?

After NASA released this new photo, the teacher that first discovered it said it looked like a dancing frog in the sky because it’s green, and she could even see what passes for arms and eyes. Fantastic. And while NASA and Dutch teacher NASA giggled and toasted over a shoe full of cocoa, my brain couldn’t stop shitting itself, like a giant inter-stellar gas frog the size of a galaxy shits stars.

So it’s pretty clear that I’m the only one taking this appropriately seriously, and that this dirty little ball of idiots is doomed, which means that I’m going to have to build my own escape craft in a futile attempt to escape a universe that wants nothing more than to murder me dead. And between all of the screaming and crying, when exactly am I going to find the time?