YouTube

Van Full of Candy’s Guide to Van Full of Candy

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We like the internet, and judging by the fact that you’re reading this, we can safely assume that you do too. We also know that if you’re anything like us, you’re looking every day for new ways to waste your hours at work pretending to be spread sheeting or otherwise giving a fuck about what you’re being paid to give fucks about. But for us, fucking about is part of the gig. We have to make sure our pretty little faces are out there so that your pretty little faces can be entertained and eventually, we won’t have to pretend to spread sheet.

But there’s a lot of internet out there. From what I hear, it’s kind of like a web, that is very nearly world wide. So if we want to be seen in all of this big crazy land of cat videos and pornography, we have to be in lots of places. We need to be seen. We need love and confirmation of our value as persons in the form of likes or +’s or thumbs up, votes up, funny votes, re-tweets; anything that lets us know that we are in fact alive and being heard. That our long hours, hand crafting finely milled funny is not all in vain. We need you to tell ten friends, and we need those ten friends to tell ten friends and so on. And then we need all of you to send us a dollar… Or just click “like”.

So you probably know of a couple places to find us, you have somehow already, but you probably don’t know ALL of the random cracks and crevices of the internet in which we’re squirreled away, poking things with our comedy sticks to see if fan bees swarm out and sting us with their approval… No, yes, that is what I meant…

So with all of that in mind, Van Full of Candy is proud to present your guide to Van Full of Candy on the Internets!

WordPress: This is where the magic happens… Such as it is… Every weekday (excluding some holidays) we post a new something or other to WordPress which makes its way to you, the loyal reader by some other means… You could really just subscribe to the WordPress site and never have to go to any of our other crap and you’d be just fine… We wish you wouldn’t. We also wish I hadn’t just called everything that’s going to follow “crap”, but as you all know, my delete key does not work, so there’s nothing I can do to change what is…

facebook: This would be the other place of import to us. Why? Because this is where the rest of the planet goes, and we want the rest of the planet to like us. Here you can find virtual farms to tend, or virtual towns to build, pretty much anything that real people used to do in this country is represented in a virtual game form on the Book of Faces. Like interacting with other people, or having a life. All represented virtually in the one place that everyone on the planet goes to complain about what this magical meeting place has fucked up this time by changing where that one button you never used in the first place is now…

Twitter: We tweet, we’re tweeters, we twit about twat, you know, like all the other cool revolutionaries. Except we don’t really overthrow dictators or organize protests or anything, and frankly we’re tired of being made to feel like fuck ups by those that do, because we don’t. I could totally overthrow an oppressive regime if I wanted to, but I’d just rather replace words in movie titles with “Butt” or “Fart”… That’s changing the world, in a way…

YouTube: This is where you get to see and hear our “funny”. Through the magic of motion pictures, captured on digitized still images, played in quick succession in a way to fool the eye into seeing a moving image, in combination with audio capture technology which steals our voices from the air and traps it inside your computer box you are able to see into a world, long dead, as though it were happening before your very eyes. And kitties falling down makes my giggle and hug myself!

Funny or Die: Then we take those magical demon images and upload them to be judged by the public. A public, unable to create, but infinitely qualified to critique. Who’s only contribution to art and entertainment is in the tearing down of artists and entertainers! Dismissive of the time and effort put into the very thing that they are dismissing entirely out of hand! … Of Die…

Current: A couple of years ago Al Gore was everywhere. So much so, that we needed an entire television channel to contain it. And so Current TV was born. We usually share our more angry political pieces on the current community site, because that’s what they like, and we like what people like as long as what they like is us… LOVE US!

foursquare: The internet has given us an outlet to make sure the entire universe knows every time we get gas or a burrito or gas and a burrito. It is foursquare. And we want to be stalked as much, if not more than the next guy…

Comedy Whirled: Sort of what I imagine Funny or Die might have been like if it hadn’t been founded as Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s club house. Not that that’s a bad thing at all, because those guys might some day pay me to write funny things for them. So what I meant to say is, Funny or Die is awesome and I want them to give me money and exposure. Sorry Comedy Whirled, just be cool, I fucked up, you guys are awesome but you can’t destroy me yet… Kisses Billy and AMcK!

Linked In: Created, in theory, to be a place where professionals can come together and professional… ize. I don’t think it took long for the creators of Linked In to realize that’s kind of boring, but no one’s had the time to change anything about it yet because they’re too busy farming their virtual radishes. You have a linked in account because someone you worked with at one point or another let their address book be raped and added you and that was the last time both of you checked it.

klout: We all want to feel like big shots. We all want to think we matter. Us especially. This site gives you some seemingly random, mostly unattributable number representation between 1 and 100 of how much “klout” you have. No, it doesn’t make sense to us either, but we have one of these too!

Empire Avenue: A sort of social media stock market… game… thing. Because there’s nothing more fun than the stock market. But sadly, quite addicting. Another way of showing you that the time you’re wasting on all of the other sites above is actually, really, pretend paying off and increasing your value in some way. You’re not wasting your life tweeting about how Justin Bieber should come to your junior high school and play a show on the soccer field, you are strengthening your portfolio!

Google+: In case you haven’t noticed, Google is swallowing the world. And unsatisfied with simply owning everything that Apple doesn’t, they’ve decided to try to kick Zuckerburg in the pant fronts too while they’re at it. Google+ (or “The Plus” as no one has yet called it since I just coined that phrase) is supposedly the next big thing in the social medias. We don’t see it. But we’ll be damned if we’re not going to be there too just in case. Besides, Google knows everything I’m doing at all times at this point; it’s best to not fuck with someone like that.

MySpace: LOVE US JUSTIN! For the love of god, all we want is for you to notice us! We only have this stupid account so you can see us and we can hang out and maybe smell your fingers a couple times a night! WE WENT TO MYSPACE FOR YOU! MYSPACE!!!

Van Full of Candy's Guide to Van Full of Candy

Posted on

We like the internet, and judging by the fact that you’re reading this, we can safely assume that you do too. We also know that if you’re anything like us, you’re looking every day for new ways to waste your hours at work pretending to be spread sheeting or otherwise giving a fuck about what you’re being paid to give fucks about. But for us, fucking about is part of the gig. We have to make sure our pretty little faces are out there so that your pretty little faces can be entertained and eventually, we won’t have to pretend to spread sheet.

But there’s a lot of internet out there. From what I hear, it’s kind of like a web, that is very nearly world wide. So if we want to be seen in all of this big crazy land of cat videos and pornography, we have to be in lots of places. We need to be seen. We need love and confirmation of our value as persons in the form of likes or +’s or thumbs up, votes up, funny votes, re-tweets; anything that lets us know that we are in fact alive and being heard. That our long hours, hand crafting finely milled funny is not all in vain. We need you to tell ten friends, and we need those ten friends to tell ten friends and so on. And then we need all of you to send us a dollar… Or just click “like”.

So you probably know of a couple places to find us, you have somehow already, but you probably don’t know ALL of the random cracks and crevices of the internet in which we’re squirreled away, poking things with our comedy sticks to see if fan bees swarm out and sting us with their approval… No, yes, that is what I meant…

So with all of that in mind, Van Full of Candy is proud to present your guide to Van Full of Candy on the Internets!

WordPress: This is where the magic happens… Such as it is… Every weekday (excluding some holidays) we post a new something or other to WordPress which makes its way to you, the loyal reader by some other means… You could really just subscribe to the WordPress site and never have to go to any of our other crap and you’d be just fine… We wish you wouldn’t. We also wish I hadn’t just called everything that’s going to follow “crap”, but as you all know, my delete key does not work, so there’s nothing I can do to change what is…

facebook: This would be the other place of import to us. Why? Because this is where the rest of the planet goes, and we want the rest of the planet to like us. Here you can find virtual farms to tend, or virtual towns to build, pretty much anything that real people used to do in this country is represented in a virtual game form on the Book of Faces. Like interacting with other people, or having a life. All represented virtually in the one place that everyone on the planet goes to complain about what this magical meeting place has fucked up this time by changing where that one button you never used in the first place is now…

Twitter: We tweet, we’re tweeters, we twit about twat, you know, like all the other cool revolutionaries. Except we don’t really overthrow dictators or organize protests or anything, and frankly we’re tired of being made to feel like fuck ups by those that do, because we don’t. I could totally overthrow an oppressive regime if I wanted to, but I’d just rather replace words in movie titles with “Butt” or “Fart”… That’s changing the world, in a way…

YouTube: This is where you get to see and hear our “funny”. Through the magic of motion pictures, captured on digitized still images, played in quick succession in a way to fool the eye into seeing a moving image, in combination with audio capture technology which steals our voices from the air and traps it inside your computer box you are able to see into a world, long dead, as though it were happening before your very eyes. And kitties falling down makes my giggle and hug myself!

Funny or Die: Then we take those magical demon images and upload them to be judged by the public. A public, unable to create, but infinitely qualified to critique. Who’s only contribution to art and entertainment is in the tearing down of artists and entertainers! Dismissive of the time and effort put into the very thing that they are dismissing entirely out of hand! … Of Die…

Current: A couple of years ago Al Gore was everywhere. So much so, that we needed an entire television channel to contain it. And so Current TV was born. We usually share our more angry political pieces on the current community site, because that’s what they like, and we like what people like as long as what they like is us… LOVE US!

foursquare: The internet has given us an outlet to make sure the entire universe knows every time we get gas or a burrito or gas and a burrito. It is foursquare. And we want to be stalked as much, if not more than the next guy…

Comedy Whirled: Sort of what I imagine Funny or Die might have been like if it hadn’t been founded as Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s club house. Not that that’s a bad thing at all, because those guys might some day pay me to write funny things for them. So what I meant to say is, Funny or Die is awesome and I want them to give me money and exposure. Sorry Comedy Whirled, just be cool, I fucked up, you guys are awesome but you can’t destroy me yet… Kisses Billy and AMcK!

Linked In: Created, in theory, to be a place where professionals can come together and professional… ize. I don’t think it took long for the creators of Linked In to realize that’s kind of boring, but no one’s had the time to change anything about it yet because they’re too busy farming their virtual radishes. You have a linked in account because someone you worked with at one point or another let their address book be raped and added you and that was the last time both of you checked it.

klout: We all want to feel like big shots. We all want to think we matter. Us especially. This site gives you some seemingly random, mostly unattributable number representation between 1 and 100 of how much “klout” you have. No, it doesn’t make sense to us either, but we have one of these too!

Empire Avenue: A sort of social media stock market… game… thing. Because there’s nothing more fun than the stock market. But sadly, quite addicting. Another way of showing you that the time you’re wasting on all of the other sites above is actually, really, pretend paying off and increasing your value in some way. You’re not wasting your life tweeting about how Justin Bieber should come to your junior high school and play a show on the soccer field, you are strengthening your portfolio!

Google+: In case you haven’t noticed, Google is swallowing the world. And unsatisfied with simply owning everything that Apple doesn’t, they’ve decided to try to kick Zuckerburg in the pant fronts too while they’re at it. Google+ (or “The Plus” as no one has yet called it since I just coined that phrase) is supposedly the next big thing in the social medias. We don’t see it. But we’ll be damned if we’re not going to be there too just in case. Besides, Google knows everything I’m doing at all times at this point; it’s best to not fuck with someone like that.

MySpace: LOVE US JUSTIN! For the love of god, all we want is for you to notice us! We only have this stupid account so you can see us and we can hang out and maybe smell your fingers a couple times a night! WE WENT TO MYSPACE FOR YOU! MYSPACE!!!

Trans Am [VIDEO]

Posted on Updated on

Idiot #1: How do you like my new hair cut Moron #2?

Moron #2: That is quite a finely cut set of hairs Idiot #1. I would go so far as to call that haircut “awesome”.

Us: Hey idiot. Lookie here moron. You’re wrong; shut the fuck up.

Has this kind of thing happened to you? Are you tired of stupid people who don’t understand what words are ruining perfectly descriptive language with banality and wrong headed fucktarditude?

Well fret no longer friend, because Van Full of Candy has the answer. Introducing: “Trans-Am”. The ultimate human expression of appreciation and excitement. Wanna learn how? Well please enjoy our finely crafted presentation below.

If you have any further questions on how you should more properly express yourself in conversation, just ask and we’ll be more than happy to tell you exactly how you’re doing it wrong, and set you back on the right path: the “Trans-Am” path!

Wink, thumbs up, freeze frame!

VFoC Video — "Trans-Am"

Posted on

Idiot #1: How do you like my new hair cut Moron #2?

Moron #2: That is quite a finely cut set of hairs Idiot #1. I would go so far as to call that haircut “awesome”.

Us: Hey idiot. Lookie here moron. You’re wrong; shut the fuck up.

Has this kind of thing happened to you? Are you tired of stupid people who don’t understand what words are ruining perfectly descriptive language with banality and wrong headed fucktarditude?

Well fret no longer friend, because Van Full of Candy has the answer. Introducing: “Trans-Am”. The ultimate human expression of appreciation and excitement. Wanna learn how? Well please enjoy our finely crafted presentation below.

If you have any further questions on how you should more properly express yourself in conversation, just ask and we’ll be more than happy to tell you exactly how you’re doing it wrong, and set you back on the right path: the “Trans-Am” path!

Wink, thumbs up, freeze frame!

Mars’ Bio Station Alpha: Confirmation by Denial

Posted on

There is a secret government space station, manned by a co-operative team of humans, aliens and human alien hybrids working together for no doubt nefarious purposes as we speak… on the surface of Mars! How do I know with absolute, unwavering, blind certainty that the crazy thing that I just said is the only pure, true fact in the entire world? Because someone else said it isn’t.

I don’t internet much. Most of the time you can find me by my butter churn or smelting furnace, whittling a squirrel out of a slightly larger squirrel. But apparently a member of my quilting squad tells me that there’s something called a YourTube which has a video going around right now in which “armchair astronaut” and hero of the human race, David Martines, exposes to the world a shocking discovery he made on one of his internet machines. And I tell you what, it was enough to make me drop my home spun wisdom spinner into my aw shucks bag like a ribble at a rabble rally. 

… yee haw…

Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.
Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.

So if you felt the very fabric of space and time shudder and whip around like a crank addled lemur a couple days ago, that was apparently when David warned infinity about his brain raping find: “Bio Station Alpha”. Clocking in at a wildly guessed at 700 feet long and 150 feet wide, this Martian base was discovered after a painstaking, exhausted “quite by accident” by Mr. Martines as he was diligently perusing Google Mars when he likely should have been doing something more important. Naturally after finding this tiny white pixellated smudge, David came to the only logical conclusion, that this was an artificial structure that that either currently or recently housed inhabitants of a secret nature.

But the powers that be are already working on damage control, sending out their first wave of “experts”, in the personage of Alfred McEwen, a “planetary geologist at the Lunar and Planetary Lab at the University of Arizona and the director of the Planetary Imaging Research Laboratory” and “principal investigator of the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE)”, a “powerful telescope” supposedly “currently “orbiting “Mars”””.

Like any of those things are real things. The only people with titles that long are made up vaguely sciency flim flammerists that the United States government dresses up in CVS photo mat lab coats to try to throw true, trail blazing space cops off the trail of something so big, so important, that it could kill your face off to know the true truth of it all.

But this “expert” CLAIMS that Bio Station Alpha, the very real and factual Martian habitat recorded on space film for the world to see by the Googles, is actually just a glitch in the image cause by “cosmic energy”. What the bullshit is that fucksense?! They’re not even trying with this! If you’re going to call me and Martines, two true believers in Bio Stations Alpha through Epsilon, crazy, then you need to counter with an explanation at least somewhat less crazy than our own!

“It looks like a linear streak artifact produced by a cosmic ray,” said Alfred McEwen, fake science credential collector.

Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha
Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha

To which I can only respond, “No, it doesn’t look like a cosmic ray, comic book scientist. It looks like a god damned secret government space station on the surface of the cold red planet Mars and you’re making yourself and your made up profession sound ridiculous!” If what this space camera caught on its space film was “cosmic rays” then how come it didn’t turn into a stretchy, invisible, on fire rock camera?

It didn’t did it? Did it? Because that would be an awesome space camera. I’m going to assume it didn’t because that best helps my argument. Cosmic rays? Doom says pah!

So the only logical, rational, reasonable explanation for this clump of pixels is that the government is now trying to cover up their secret extra terrestrial agenda. Of course experts are denying the existence of Bio Station Alpha. You know what else they deny exists? Area 51. According to our own peaceful, trustful government, Area 51 doesn’t exist. Just like Bio Station Alpha. So, therefor and to wit: if we are told that Area 51 doesn’t exist, but it does, then Bio Station Alpha must also exist since we’re told it doesn’t! Don’t you get it! You can’t even begin to understand just how deep the rabbit hole goes! It goes all the way down to the rabbit home, filled with all of the modern luxuries of an anthropomorphic wise cracking rabbit, which experts will also tell you don’t exist, but I have film evidence dating back to the 40s that calls them a god damned liar!

In the end what it comes down to is this: there is a space station on Mars. You can say there isn’t, but I can say there is, and since I said there is first, it’s up to you to prove definitively, beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is not now, nor has there ever been a life sustaining research facility on the surface of Mars. Just the same way that it is now up to the governments of the world to prove that there isn’t a space camera orbiting the Earth with the combined powers of the Fantastic Four.  Until then, the plain and simple fact of the matter is that thing that I just made up exists now too and no matter how much you try to tell me logically how it doesn’t, you can’t prove that there’s not a lab somewhere in Eastern Montana growing more of these super cameras to enslave the human race as we speak.

Ball’s in your court science.

Mars' Bio Station Alpha: Confirmation by Denial

Posted on

There is a secret government space station, manned by a co-operative team of humans, aliens and human alien hybrids working together for no doubt nefarious purposes as we speak… on the surface of Mars! How do I know with absolute, unwavering, blind certainty that the crazy thing that I just said is the only pure, true fact in the entire world? Because someone else said it isn’t.

I don’t internet much. Most of the time you can find me by my butter churn or smelting furnace, whittling a squirrel out of a slightly larger squirrel. But apparently a member of my quilting squad tells me that there’s something called a YourTube which has a video going around right now in which “armchair astronaut” and hero of the human race, David Martines, exposes to the world a shocking discovery he made on one of his internet machines. And I tell you what, it was enough to make me drop my home spun wisdom spinner into my aw shucks bag like a ribble at a rabble rally. 

… yee haw…

Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.
Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.

So if you felt the very fabric of space and time shudder and whip around like a crank addled lemur a couple days ago, that was apparently when David warned infinity about his brain raping find: “Bio Station Alpha”. Clocking in at a wildly guessed at 700 feet long and 150 feet wide, this Martian base was discovered after a painstaking, exhausted “quite by accident” by Mr. Martines as he was diligently perusing Google Mars when he likely should have been doing something more important. Naturally after finding this tiny white pixellated smudge, David came to the only logical conclusion, that this was an artificial structure that that either currently or recently housed inhabitants of a secret nature.

But the powers that be are already working on damage control, sending out their first wave of “experts”, in the personage of Alfred McEwen, a “planetary geologist at the Lunar and Planetary Lab at the University of Arizona and the director of the Planetary Imaging Research Laboratory” and “principal investigator of the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE)”, a “powerful telescope” supposedly “currently “orbiting “Mars”””.

Like any of those things are real things. The only people with titles that long are made up vaguely sciency flim flammerists that the United States government dresses up in CVS photo mat lab coats to try to throw true, trail blazing space cops off the trail of something so big, so important, that it could kill your face off to know the true truth of it all.

But this “expert” CLAIMS that Bio Station Alpha, the very real and factual Martian habitat recorded on space film for the world to see by the Googles, is actually just a glitch in the image cause by “cosmic energy”. What the bullshit is that fucksense?! They’re not even trying with this! If you’re going to call me and Martines, two true believers in Bio Stations Alpha through Epsilon, crazy, then you need to counter with an explanation at least somewhat less crazy than our own!

“It looks like a linear streak artifact produced by a cosmic ray,” said Alfred McEwen, fake science credential collector.

Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha
Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha

To which I can only respond, “No, it doesn’t look like a cosmic ray, comic book scientist. It looks like a god damned secret government space station on the surface of the cold red planet Mars and you’re making yourself and your made up profession sound ridiculous!” If what this space camera caught on its space film was “cosmic rays” then how come it didn’t turn into a stretchy, invisible, on fire rock camera?

It didn’t did it? Did it? Because that would be an awesome space camera. I’m going to assume it didn’t because that best helps my argument. Cosmic rays? Doom says pah!

So the only logical, rational, reasonable explanation for this clump of pixels is that the government is now trying to cover up their secret extra terrestrial agenda. Of course experts are denying the existence of Bio Station Alpha. You know what else they deny exists? Area 51. According to our own peaceful, trustful government, Area 51 doesn’t exist. Just like Bio Station Alpha. So, therefor and to wit: if we are told that Area 51 doesn’t exist, but it does, then Bio Station Alpha must also exist since we’re told it doesn’t! Don’t you get it! You can’t even begin to understand just how deep the rabbit hole goes! It goes all the way down to the rabbit home, filled with all of the modern luxuries of an anthropomorphic wise cracking rabbit, which experts will also tell you don’t exist, but I have film evidence dating back to the 40s that calls them a god damned liar!

In the end what it comes down to is this: there is a space station on Mars. You can say there isn’t, but I can say there is, and since I said there is first, it’s up to you to prove definitively, beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is not now, nor has there ever been a life sustaining research facility on the surface of Mars. Just the same way that it is now up to the governments of the world to prove that there isn’t a space camera orbiting the Earth with the combined powers of the Fantastic Four.  Until then, the plain and simple fact of the matter is that thing that I just made up exists now too and no matter how much you try to tell me logically how it doesn’t, you can’t prove that there’s not a lab somewhere in Eastern Montana growing more of these super cameras to enslave the human race as we speak.

Ball’s in your court science.

We Will KICK You In The Facebook!!

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Big deal, you can kick a ball

I just read some bullshit about a soccer player who created a Facebook page and got 7 Million likes in 7 hours. Holy goddamn Pelé that’s a crock of shit. A soccer player? It’s taken us 3 months to get 80 likes on Facebook. EIGHT … ZERO!!! THREE … MONTHS!!! So apparently pouring your heart out onto this digital plain that looks like a piece paper day after day after fuckin’ miserable day doesn’t count for shit!! Apparently all you need to do is run around on some grass and kick a ball around with your friends to be popular, or apparently you have to be some sorta hot stud from Argentina, sponsored by ADIDAS, who just happens to be the best soccer player in the world right now and probably makes an assload of pesos! Ok, that’s cool with me, now where’d I put those damn shinguards?

Dude’s name is Leo Messi and as far as we’re concerned, he can go kick himself in the mouth with his gifted feet. But we here at Van Full of Candy aren’t bitter, NOPE! We love this kind of thing, and we’re gonna take it to the next level Leo! We challenge you to a race, actually two races.

Race #1 … you, me, soccer field, race from one end to  the other. Winner gets the other’s followers. BAM SUCKA!

Race #2 … First person to 8 million likes on their Facebook page gets the other one’s bank account … AND just to make it competitive, we’ll give you a 7 million follower headstart. DOUBLE BAM SUCKA!!

So let’s do this. We’ll wait for your response. You name the soccer field, we’ll be there. Show up alone.

Put your hands down, you haven't won shit yet!

Ok, so now that we’ve totally put our multi-million dollar bank accounts on the line for this, we are going to need all of your help. Please!! Go to our Facebook page and “Like” our page, tell your friends and tell them to tell their friends, and tell them to tell those people to tell their parole officers, or whomever, let’s kick this soccer guys ass and get to 8 million followers TODAY!! WHO’S WITH ME?!?!

UPDATE: [1:45PM] We just received Leo’s YouTube video reply, and he’s ALL IN!!  LET’S DO THE DAMN THING!!