Predictions

Van Full of Candy's End of the World Year Predictions

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It hardly seems worth making predictions this year. As everyone is surely aware, this year isn’t going to be as long as they have been in the past. You can blame the stupid Mayans and their dumb calendar for that bunk. So with those ten fewer days at the end of not only this year, but the end of the very existence of this planet and all of those things that we have come to believe immortal and timeless, we will never truly know for sure if some of our at yet unrealized predictions might have come true in that final week and a half of the year that we’re being cheated out of.

It’s not the end of the world that upsets me, it’s not getting the proper chance to be proven right that REALLY bugs me.

But we did it last year with what could only be called “startling” accuracy, so we’re legally bound to participate this year as well. And just remember, as the planet is swallowing you whole, if for a second as your very being is being erased from forever, you think that we called one of these wrong, just know: fuck you, it WOULD have been right if planetary implosion hadn’t prematurely cut 2012 short.

Now, what do we see in our magical balls, hmmm?

  • President Barack Obama will narrowly win re-election in November, edging out the Republican ticket of Romney/Santorum and powerhouse Independent entry Trump/Seacrest.
  • Tim Tebow will reveal to the world that his mother experienced immaculate conception on March 16th (3:16) and will die for our sins by being nailed to a goal post after he wins next year’s Super Bowl.
  • The iPhone 6 will be majestically bestowed upon the multitudes as Steve Jobs descends from an actual iCloud straight from iHeaven.
  • Irrefutable evidence of a secret Iranian nuclear program will finally be revealed by US intelligence agencies. Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will try to fight back tears as his big surprise present for America’s birthday will be ruined. We’ll try to apologize and act surprised anyway when Iran does eventually deliver their present, but we’ll still feel like jerks.
  • Upon further inspection of the cruise ship that crashed in Italy, DNA findings show that the captain is the great grandson of the other incompetent ship captain that sank the Titanic and is coincidentally related to Isaac, the bartender on The Love Boat.
  • A team who’s predominant uniform color is blue, will win the NCAA Mens Basketball Championship.
  • Google and Facebook have a one night stand after an awards ceremony, get pregnant, and have a really ugly baby who is motivated by being an underachiever.
  • The world will end on December 21st when a fleet of giant star cruisers descends upon the planet, crewed by a highly advanced race of dinosaurs who have to destroy us to ensure that the time stream doesn’t unravel like a cheap sweater. We won’t quite understand the whole space time continuum explanation, but our confusion will be mercifully short lived.
  • Both the Green Bay Packers and New Orleans Saints will not make it to the Super Bowl.
  • The North American Beaver will continue to carefully guard the secret of the meaning of life, waiting patiently until the day that someone finally thinks to ask it.

And so it is, every one of 2012’s filthy little secrets laid bare for all to see. Fat lot of good it’ll do us when the Dinonauts arrive, but enjoy it while you can, ’cause they’re not gonna make a lick of sense and they’re not gonna give a shit when we don’t get it.

Dinosaur astronauts are kinda dicks.

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Tomorrow's Bullies: Start Your Engines — 2011's Most Popular Baby Names

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Babies, you have to call them something, and “Dream Murdering Booze Accident” gets confusing as their numbers multiply. So we give them more vague names based almost entirely on our own whims. We made the thing, we should get to scar it for life with the poorly thought out label we’ll be writing into the back of its underwear for decades.

Apparently, this morning the list of the Top 100 Baby Names of 2011 was released, and it was ridiculous. I have never met anyone with half of these names, but I guess that’s only because I’m not a baby, because according to this highly scientific list of the most popularly be-named tots for this, the year of our lost two-thousand and ten and one, in six years, elementary school teachers are going to have to tell Aiden L. to stop measuring his participation ribbon against Aiden W. and Aiden F.’s ribbons to see who’s is bigger because they all participated equally in their non competitive bases running exercise sport. Now take a nap on your hand dulled safety pillow and dream peaceful dreams of never excelling in anything, ever.

But so confused was I by this list of fictional names taken from imagi-babies, I felt I needed to do some research into what it was that people USED to call future adults. So, using this same trusted site, I went back 50 and 100 years to see what the most popular names were for 1911 and 1961. What I found, was startlingly unstartling!

1911

Rank Male Female
1 John Mary
2 William Helen
3 James Margaret
4 George Dorothy
5 Robert Ruth
6 Joseph Anna
7 Charles Elizabeth
8 Frank Mildred
9 Edward Marie
10 Thomas Frances

1961

Rank Male Female
1 Michael Mary
2 David Lisa
3 John Susan
4 James Linda
5 Robert Karen
6 Mark Patricia
7 William Donna
8 Richard Cynthia
9 Thomas Sandra
10 Steven Deborah

Strong godly names that we all recognize as words that people call one another! Just as my baby killing god intended it!

Then, something happened fifty years later, we were apparently re-colonized…

2011

Rank Male Female
1 Aiden Sophia
2 Jackson Emma
3 Mason Isabella
4 Liam Olivia
5 Jacob Ava
6 Jayden Lily
7 Ethan Chloe
8 Noah Madison
9 Lucas Emily
10 Logan Abigail

Dirty, filthy, swarthy United Kingdom mouth filth! At least as far as the male names go, but you look on the female side and it’s the dirty Spaniards! What happened to good old American names like George and William and Elizabeth!? No, you shut up! I’m not being unreasonable, Marvin, YOU’RE being unreasonable! MARVIN!

So with this evidence of how the lazy baby having public of today clearly are not taking their responsibility for identifying tomorrow’s reality television personalities seriously I am left wondering just how much farther will our naming standards slide? Well, I’ll tell you how far!

Oh, you might say that it is unknowable. How could a simple internet humorsmith possibly have any idea how world naming will deteriorate as words continue to lose all sensical meaning?! Well it’s simple really, it involves carefully atuning my timeascope which I won in a fist fight with Robot Abe Lincoln at the base of an erupting volcano immediately after the comet strike that extinctified the thunder lizards!

I present to you then, the most popular baby names of the years 2061 and 3011!

2061

Rank Male Female
1 Humperdink Cha Cha
2 Gustov Clarita
3 Able Valerie
4 Murphy Bethany
5 Spivey Tuchi
6 Duncan Pauletta
7 Chetsworth Gaga
8 Kilroy Vaginny
9 Iceman Lucinda
10 Duke Fancy Berta

3011

Rank Male Female
1 Slam Dunk K8y
2 Robot Lincoln Worthless Fame Whore
3 Jar of Bacon Spermina
4 Coleslaw Nancina
5 Pfizer Implant 6-b41 Volvo
6 Mungo Land Mass Pink Female Unit
7 Ugh Choice
8 Laser Beam Denveronica
9 Ahhh!!! Cat Video
10 Second Amendment Conchitarribarriba

And there you have it. And when I am there for the swearing in ceremony of President Slam Dunk Baconnaise and Vice President Ahhh!!! Johnson in what we would have known as the year 3068 I will know that at least it’ll sound better than when the most popular baby names of 3061 take office and I have to pay for a bag of reconstituted oxygen in what I will call the year 4206 but which no one will understand, with a nine-trillion mega buck coin emblazoned with the face of Generalissimo Supreme Fire Hot Cooper…

Tomorrow’s Bullies: Start Your Engines — 2011’s Most Popular Baby Names

Posted on Updated on

Babies, you have to call them something, and “Dream Murdering Booze Accident” gets confusing as their numbers multiply. So we give them more vague names based almost entirely on our own whims. We made the thing, we should get to scar it for life with the poorly thought out label we’ll be writing into the back of its underwear for decades.

Apparently, this morning the list of the Top 100 Baby Names of 2011 was released, and it was ridiculous. I have never met anyone with half of these names, but I guess that’s only because I’m not a baby, because according to this highly scientific list of the most popularly be-named tots for this, the year of our lost two-thousand and ten and one, in six years, elementary school teachers are going to have to tell Aiden L. to stop measuring his participation ribbon against Aiden W. and Aiden F.’s ribbons to see who’s is bigger because they all participated equally in their non competitive bases running exercise sport. Now take a nap on your hand dulled safety pillow and dream peaceful dreams of never excelling in anything, ever.

But so confused was I by this list of fictional names taken from imagi-babies, I felt I needed to do some research into what it was that people USED to call future adults. So, using this same trusted site, I went back 50 and 100 years to see what the most popular names were for 1911 and 1961. What I found, was startlingly unstartling!

1911

Rank Male Female
1 John Mary
2 William Helen
3 James Margaret
4 George Dorothy
5 Robert Ruth
6 Joseph Anna
7 Charles Elizabeth
8 Frank Mildred
9 Edward Marie
10 Thomas Frances

1961

Rank Male Female
1 Michael Mary
2 David Lisa
3 John Susan
4 James Linda
5 Robert Karen
6 Mark Patricia
7 William Donna
8 Richard Cynthia
9 Thomas Sandra
10 Steven Deborah

Strong godly names that we all recognize as words that people call one another! Just as my baby killing god intended it!

Then, something happened fifty years later, we were apparently re-colonized…

2011

Rank Male Female
1 Aiden Sophia
2 Jackson Emma
3 Mason Isabella
4 Liam Olivia
5 Jacob Ava
6 Jayden Lily
7 Ethan Chloe
8 Noah Madison
9 Lucas Emily
10 Logan Abigail

Dirty, filthy, swarthy United Kingdom mouth filth! At least as far as the male names go, but you look on the female side and it’s the dirty Spaniards! What happened to good old American names like George and William and Elizabeth!? No, you shut up! I’m not being unreasonable, Marvin, YOU’RE being unreasonable! MARVIN!

So with this evidence of how the lazy baby having public of today clearly are not taking their responsibility for identifying tomorrow’s reality television personalities seriously I am left wondering just how much farther will our naming standards slide? Well, I’ll tell you how far!

Oh, you might say that it is unknowable. How could a simple internet humorsmith possibly have any idea how world naming will deteriorate as words continue to lose all sensical meaning?! Well it’s simple really, it involves carefully atuning my timeascope which I won in a fist fight with Robot Abe Lincoln at the base of an erupting volcano immediately after the comet strike that extinctified the thunder lizards!

I present to you then, the most popular baby names of the years 2061 and 3011!

2061

Rank Male Female
1 Humperdink Cha Cha
2 Gustov Clarita
3 Able Valerie
4 Murphy Bethany
5 Spivey Tuchi
6 Duncan Pauletta
7 Chetsworth Gaga
8 Kilroy Vaginny
9 Iceman Lucinda
10 Duke Fancy Berta

3011

Rank Male Female
1 Slam Dunk K8y
2 Robot Lincoln Worthless Fame Whore
3 Jar of Bacon Spermina
4 Coleslaw Nancina
5 Pfizer Implant 6-b41 Volvo
6 Mungo Land Mass Pink Female Unit
7 Ugh Choice
8 Laser Beam Denveronica
9 Ahhh!!! Cat Video
10 Second Amendment Conchitarribarriba

And there you have it. And when I am there for the swearing in ceremony of President Slam Dunk Baconnaise and Vice President Ahhh!!! Johnson in what we would have known as the year 3068 I will know that at least it’ll sound better than when the most popular baby names of 3061 take office and I have to pay for a bag of reconstituted oxygen in what I will call the year 4206 but which no one will understand, with a nine-trillion mega buck coin emblazoned with the face of Generalissimo Supreme Fire Hot Cooper…

AAAHHHHHH!!! (Apocalypse Edition: Parte the Somethingth)

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It’s the end of the world! Oh sweet Jesus who up until this very moment when you might actually be of some use to me, I have heretofore ignored and denied, IT’S THE END OF THE MONKEY FIGHTING WORLD!

Don’t believe me?! Well fuck you! ‘Cause it’s real Jack! You’re dead! I’m dead! We’re all fuckin’ dead and we don’t even know it! But I do! I know it! You don’t, but I do! I know it! I know it and now you know it! So fuckin’ disregard the first part of this statement! Because now you know it JACK! WE’RE FUCKIN’ DEAD!

Alright… Okay… Alright… Breathe… Deep breath. New pants. Liquor. More liquor. More pants. Alright.

I can’t stop crying. And I’m not sure if it’s from fear or joy. Or foy… or, jear… But the end of days is at hand people. Oh yeah, call me a lunatic, as I have called many others in the past. It’s easy, just look: “I’m a fucking nut job crazy person who’s blind faith in the unseeable is as sad as it is moronic. Someone should put this pathetic excuse for me out of my misery, if just so that I don’t get to see the coming end of the world that I’m waiting for.” See, just that easy, I’ve belittled and discredited myself in one swift movement… Wow, I’m kind of a dick…

But you may be wondering why I’m now so convinced that the end is here and now. Why, after so often calling fans of the smiting lord blithering nut candy, I am now so certain that I’m going to be paying for my heresy unless I start sucking the blithering nut candy of those who can put in a good word with king nut candy… Who I should probably start referring to as my personal lord and savior, because continuing to call him hurtful names is probably doing very little to help my standing.

Well I’ll tell you why. THIS SHIT IS WHY!

Lake turned to blood. That’s some OT (Old Testament) shit right there son! That’s vengeful, child killing, world flooding, here’s my delicious fruit that you can live around but better not even think of enjoying, mountain top thou-shalt-not shit right there! And this is in Texas, where God is only slightly less worshiped than High School football, so this is some serious business!

Now sure, you can try to use some godless sciencey “facts” and “non-freaking out rational thought” to explain this lake suddenly and miraculously turning to blood. You can SAY that it’s more likely the result of Chromatiacea bacteria thriving in oxygen-deprived water that is killing the fish of this almost dried up stagnant, drought ravaged reservoir giving it the delicious, thick hearty blood like tint. But that’s exactly what a godless heathen like you WOULD say if you weren’t so damned busy killing babies and drinking their juices at your gay orgy weddings for communists!

But you know what, since I’m now a warrior of Christ, ready and waiting to be raised from this damned place to my rightful station in the mutha fuckin’ CLOUDS, I can take your flimsy argument and just Goddize it up any damned way! Droughts? This is the result of droughts? Well, what exactly is a drought, except a reverse flood? And who’s literature’s biggest flood lover? MY SKY MONSTER!– NO! Not… Not sky monster. What’s the other thing, the– OH! My God… person. Lord? Something… And a bunch of dead fish? That’s some kind of tragedy? Fish are a bunch of lazy freeloaders just swimmin’ back and forth over our borders drinkin’ their own poop. Build the dang water fence!

"Oh yeah, that shit is on."
"Oh yeah, that shit is on."

And speaking of the reportedly “Good” book which I fully intend on reading as soon as I get the chance; this is all in there, warning us from Heavenland that this day would come. Indiana preacher Paul Begley went to the YouTubes to tell the world about it.

“The second angel poured out his bowl on the sea, and it turned into blood like that of a dead person, and every living thing in the sea died,” my new best friend Mr. Preacher Pastor Begley Poperson said. “The third angel poured out his bowl on the rivers and springs of water, and they became blood.” 

IT’S RIGHT THERE! The order doesn’t matter, I seem to recall making up something about Jesus or one of the others saying something about “The first being the last and the third being the first.” or some such nonsensical, contradictory shit used specifically to help my narrative! Bowls are being poured people, and that’s the important part. Blood bowls. Angels, with bowls filled with blood, are pouring them into our reservoirs and killing our fish! And if that ain’t 100% scripture proof, then I don’t know what the fuck is… But that’s probably just because I don’t know what the fuck is. 

So this is it folks, it’s fer rillzies this time. End of the world time. Unless it isn’t, in which case next time will absolutely be it. You see, God knows it’s not the eternity of gnashing and wailing that will be the true torment for the nonbelievers and sinners of the world: it’s the anticipation that really gets ’em…

Hail whom ever is willing to accept me into which ever afterlife is true!

Bases covered.

VFoC Video — "May 21st, 2011 … It's Rapture Time Sinners"

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Ya'll Gonna Burn In Hell ... Me? Well I'm Goin' To Heaven Because I Am Nostradamus Jr.

Well as most of the world knows, tomorrow is the second coming of Christ, The Rapture, Judgement Day. Well … according to Harold Camping. Ya’ll ready? Better get repenting real quick like because only about 7% of us (dead or alive) are going to get floated up to Heaven tomorrow. The other 93% of us are gonna live in “hell on earth” for another six months or so. Sounds fun. If I were a bettin’ man, and I am, I’d bet that the Van Full Of Candy flies through the air tomorrow with flying colors.

May 21st, 2011 … It’s Rapture Time Sinners [VIDEO]

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Ya'll Gonna Burn In Hell ... Me? Well I'm Goin' To Heaven Because I Am Nostradamus Jr.

Well as most of the world knows, tomorrow is the second coming of Christ, The Rapture, Judgement Day. Well … according to Harold Camping. Ya’ll ready? Better get repenting real quick like because only about 7% of us (dead or alive) are going to get floated up to Heaven tomorrow. The other 93% of us are gonna live in “hell on earth” for another six months or so. Sounds fun. If I were a bettin’ man, and I am, I’d bet that the Van Full Of Candy flies through the air tomorrow with flying colors.

VFoC's Oscar Predictstravaganza!

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It's the "Emmys" of award shows.
It's the "Emmys" of award shows.

It’s Oscar time again, the glittering jewel in the crown of Award Season. The time when all of the biggest names in the flicker shows all get together and give each other trophies of naked faceless men. And we at Van Full of Candy are legally obligated to lift our faces skyward and take notice of the greatness of these Silver Screen demigods by way of predicting which talkies will be rewarded for their splendiferousnessitude… Oscar picks!

We have randomly (not really) selected a hand full of categories to make our respective predictions. We will each be making individual picks for each category based on our respective areas of knowledge and expertise. So let’s meet the award show guessers.

In the green corner…

Jesse: I’m a long time viewer of the Academy Awards presentation ceremony festivities program, and as such I believe I have found a valuable insight into the minds of the academy which will help make my predictions logically flawless. If there is one thing consistent from year to year, beside no one having seen the majority of the nominated films, it’s that the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences love Nazis. Nothing polishes their Oscar more than a good master race picture show. So I have devised a highly scientific formula which will determine which nominee in each category is the Naziest, and therefore, the most likely to give the Academy a grief boner.

And in the blue corner…

Jason: I pick my movies the way I pick my favorite football teams. By how awesome their uniform is. Since none of the movies that we are making predictions for had any kind of cool posters or covers, I only half-heartedly watched any of them, and I was usually on Valium to make it through any of them because of my migraines. So with my thorough knowledge of these fine movies, I will make my predictions based on my acute memory and my love for flashy uniforms.

So let’s get to the picks.

Art Direction

Alice in Wonderland // Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 // Inception // The King’s Speech // True Grit

Now you might say that this one is a no brainer based on my system. “The King’s Speech” is all about Nazis, and a talking king I guess. But take a look at the other nominees, they all have a little bit of Nazi in them if you are willing to just look hard enough for Nazis in everything, like I am. And with this being the Art Direction category, I must look for the most artful depiction of Nazis in film this year, and really, “The King’s Speech”? Isn’t that a little on the Nazi nose? Not artful at all. So then, which movie has the most artful depiction of Nazis? (Winner: True Grit)

(My pick: Alice in Wonderland) The only real art that could actually be directed would have been in Alice in Wonderland since it was set in a magical place. The other movies weren’t really magical, except MAYBE Harry Potter, but the art in Alice was the most “alive” and “real” and could actually take direction from a human being. This should be the easy winner, however Potter will come in a close second. But if Potter eeks out a win, I change my mind to Harry Potter.

Documentary Short Subject

Killing in the Name // Poster Girl // Strangers No More // Sun Come Up // The Warriors of Qiugang

Terrorism? Iraq? Global Warming? China? Nonsense. The Academy couldn’t give a shit less. Israel? You bet your foreskin! (Winner: Strangers No More)

(My pick: Sun Come Up) All the other movies are about war and death and killing, that’s just way too depressing. Sun Come Up is at least about something cheery, global warming. It’s like a warm spring day as you lay in the sun that’s beaming through your window. This should be a favorite to win.

Foreign Language Film

Biutiful // Dogtooth // In a Better World // Incendies // Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi)

Calling the foreign language film winner can usually be very difficult as the only thing that’s ever happened in most foreign countries was World War II. This year is a little different. While some of the films attempt to tell stories that don’t some how come back to how much of a meany Germans were, the award goes to the one set after the Big One. (Winner: Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi))

(My pick: Incendies – Canada) This one is a hands down winner, so if you’re into betting, bet the farm.  I can totally understand what Canadians are saying for the most part. The other movies were just way too hard to understand. They may as well have been speaking Greek. However, I could pick out a few words in the Mexican movie, but they totally spelled Beautiful wrong, so that’s the second main reason I didn’t pick them.

Makeup

Barney’s Version // The Way Back // The Wolfman

It’s a well known fact that Hitler was working on a project to develop Nazi wolfmans. And any time anyone attempts to make Paul Giamatti look like a human being is like a practice in eugenics. But you can’t beat a good gulag road picture. (Winner: The Way Back)

(My pick: None of them) I think the Academy really messed up on this nomination and now an award will sit alone backstage. First of all, Wearwolves don’t wear makeup, they don’t have time, and the other two movies are about men. My grandpappy told me “Men don’t wear makeup”, so, considering nobody in any of these movies actually wore makeup, there cannot be a winner. Stupid.

Music (Original Score)

How to Train Your Dragon // Inception // The King’s Speech // 127 Hours // The Social Network

Original Score refers to all of the music in a movie that you normally would never listen to. For this category I purchased each of these movie sound tracks and played them as loud as I could in my living room while locked in a closet in a neighbor’s bedroom to determine which sounded most like the sound of an approaching war machine. (Winner: How to Train Your Dragon)

(My pick: The Social Network) This category is really really hard to pick a winner for because none of the music was made by a pop star whos name I recognize. I’m just going to have to go with Trent Reznor only because I know he was in a nail band and made cool sounds that actually don’t sound like music, so yeah, I’m gonna go with that based on principle.

Sound Mixing

Inception // The King’s Speech // Salt // The Social Network // True Grit

Truth time now. I’ve seen 2 1/2 of these nominees, none of which was “The King’s Speech”. But I have to assume, that at some point in the movie there is, if even in the background, a clip of a shouty, angry Fuhrer screaming something in foreign. And if that’s audible at all, then show’s over folks, call this one a Nazi. (Winner: The King’s Speech)

(My pick: Two way tie between Inception & The King’s Speech) Sound mixing is one of those things that you love, or you just straight up hate. It just happens that I straight up hate it, so based upon the number of people it took to mix the music for these movies, I’m gonna have to go with the ones who had the less people because they had to work that much harder. My picks only had three people doing all the work and the other three movies cheated a little with four people doing the work.