Headlines

Meet CNN's Newest Correspondent: Pec Flexman

Posted on

I have a pretty steady routine when it comes to looking for things on the internet to yell at every other day on our webbed site internets log page. I have a few regular news sources that I scour for the most inane, ridiculous, mind rapingly dumb news stories of the day. Naturally I start right off the top with FoxNews.com. I usually have to look no further than our trusty friends at Fox to find something yell-at-able. Failing Fox’s usual failings, I then move on to Yahoo, or CNN, or any other random news outlet.

Well, today in my search for the newsworthiest piece of newsesque newsery, I was stopped by CNN.com.

The headlines were all pretty much the same things that I’d seen as I trolled the other sites, nothing too Earth shattering: “Joe Frasier Knocked Underground by Undisputed Champion, ‘Big C'”, “Unjailable Celbri-cunt Poses Un-nude for Jerk Mag” and “Lady Famous Only For Making Babies Shocks World With Announcement of ‘Nother Baby Bein’ Made”. But as I scrolled down the page looking for something worth while I came upon something that stopped me in my tracks. See if you can spot it in this actual, un-doctored screen grab from the CNN.com web site…

Gay penguins... that's adorably against God...
Gay penguins… that’s adorably against God…

Sure, the hotly contested debate on the continued efficacy of Daylight Saving Time was certainly something on which I had two or three cents to share (how much longer must we continue to live under the tyranny of Big Barbeque?!). Which Lennon’s tooth was sold for $31,200, the communist or the one not in the Beatles. Or even the beauty of dog on horse love. But what really confused and excited my confusible and exctiational parts was the third thumbnail from the right under the banner of “From our shows”. Now, it’s admittedly been a while since I’ve sat down with a bowl of freshly popped popping corn and enjoyed a good long night of CNNing, so it’s quite possible that in my stead Wolf Blitzer’s really been Blitzin’ the inclined bench, but it seems more likely that this was a fresh new face in the CNN afternoon lineup.

Now, sure, it does say underneath the photo that it is an “Advertisement” but really, that’s what all of those links are. They’re clips from specific shows promoting said program, i.e. “Advertisements”. And there’s no text accompanying the picture, no “Buy muscle oil, pussy” or “1-900-ASS-STUD is waiting”. Nothing, so the only thing I can think is that the web master at CNN.com simply failed to add the story blurb to the lower third of the show promo. I trust and respect CNN.com far too much to simply let this over looked promotional opportunity pass, so I am going to now attempt to correct this “mistakeportunity” and help CNN promote it’s new hit program “The Fact Press with Pec Flexman”

Pec reacts to excalating tensions in the Middle East.
Pec reacts to escalating tensions in the Middle East.
Pec asks the questions on every American's mind but other pundits are too afraid to ask.
Pec asks the questions on every American’s mind but other pundits are too afraid to ask.
Investigative reporting that only Pec Flexman can squat out.
Investigative reporting that only Pec Flexman can squat out.
Posturing continues in North Korea, and only the "Fact Press" calls the madman to task.
Posturing continues in North Korea, and only the “Fact Press” calls the madman to task.
All of the news of the day gets the Flexman "Max Out".
All of the news of the day gets the Flexman “Max Out”.
Even allies are held to the fire in Pec's "No Bullshit Zizone".
Even allies are held to the fire in Pec’s “No Bullshit Zizone”.

I personally am super pumped to be here for the debut of the “Fact Press” and look forward to more in depth no nonsense reporting from a pundit who won’t take shit from any scrawny prick in a god damned tie who couldn’t bench three bills if his nuts depended on it. Pec Flexman, CNN, 7:30. Watch it, or fuckin’ suck.

Meet CNN’s Newest Correspondent: Pec Flexman

Posted on Updated on

I have a pretty steady routine when it comes to looking for things on the internet to yell at every other day on our webbed site internets log page. I have a few regular news sources that I scour for the most inane, ridiculous, mind rapingly dumb news stories of the day. Naturally I start right off the top with FoxNews.com. I usually have to look no further than our trusty friends at Fox to find something yell-at-able. Failing Fox’s usual failings, I then move on to Yahoo, or CNN, or any other random news outlet.

Well, today in my search for the newsworthiest piece of newsesque newsery, I was stopped by CNN.com.

The headlines were all pretty much the same things that I’d seen as I trolled the other sites, nothing too Earth shattering: “Joe Frasier Knocked Underground by Undisputed Champion, ‘Big C'”, “Unjailable Celbri-cunt Poses Un-nude for Jerk Mag” and “Lady Famous Only For Making Babies Shocks World With Announcement of ‘Nother Baby Bein’ Made”. But as I scrolled down the page looking for something worth while I came upon something that stopped me in my tracks. See if you can spot it in this actual, un-doctored screen grab from the CNN.com web site…

Gay penguins... that's adorably against God...
Gay penguins... that's adorably against God...

Sure, the hotly contested debate on the continued efficacy of Daylight Saving Time was certainly something on which I had two or three cents to share (how much longer must we continue to live under the tyranny of Big Barbeque?!). Which Lennon’s tooth was sold for $31,200, the communist or the one not in the Beatles. Or even the beauty of dog on horse love. But what really confused and excited my confusible and exctiational parts was the third thumbnail from the right under the banner of “From our shows”. Now, it’s admittedly been a while since I’ve sat down with a bowl of freshly popped popping corn and enjoyed a good long night of CNNing, so it’s quite possible that in my stead Wolf Blitzer’s really been Blitzin’ the inclined bench, but it seems more likely that this was a fresh new face in the CNN afternoon lineup.

Now, sure, it does say underneath the photo that it is an “Advertisement” but really, that’s what all of those links are. They’re clips from specific shows promoting said program, i.e. “Advertisements”. And there’s no text accompanying the picture, no “Buy muscle oil, pussy” or “1-900-ASS-STUD is waiting”. Nothing, so the only thing I can think is that the web master at CNN.com simply failed to add the story blurb to the lower third of the show promo. I trust and respect CNN.com far too much to simply let this over looked promotional opportunity pass, so I am going to now attempt to correct this “mistakeportunity” and help CNN promote it’s new hit program “The Fact Press with Pec Flexman”

Pec reacts to excalating tensions in the Middle East.
Pec reacts to escalating tensions in the Middle East.
Pec asks the questions on every American's mind but other pundits are too afraid to ask.
Pec asks the questions on every American's mind but other pundits are too afraid to ask.
Investigative reporting that only Pec Flexman can squat out.
Investigative reporting that only Pec Flexman can squat out.
Posturing continues in North Korea, and only the "Fact Press" calls the madman to task.
Posturing continues in North Korea, and only the "Fact Press" calls the madman to task.
All of the news of the day gets the Flexman "Max Out".
All of the news of the day gets the Flexman "Max Out".
Even allies are held to the fire in Pec's "No Bullshit Zizone".
Even allies are held to the fire in Pec's "No Bullshit Zizone".

I personally am super pumped to be here for the debut of the “Fact Press” and look forward to more in depth no nonsense reporting from a pundit who won’t take shit from any scrawny prick in a god damned tie who couldn’t bench three bills if his nuts depended on it. Pec Flexman, CNN, 7:30. Watch it, or fuckin’ suck.

A Big Week For Facebook, If Anyone Survives to See It

Posted on

We like My[_____]. We like it because it’s simple and quiet and uncluttered by unnecessary things like apps or content or other people, as well as all of the reasons we’ve previously stated. I like to go to My[_____] when ever I need to be alone to think about how wrong it all went.
Righteous!
Righteous!

It was while tending to our number one favorite social networking portal that I stumbled upon something called a faces book. This “facebook” (something which seemingly combines two of my least favorite things) is a madhouse of frenetic energy, filled with lunatics and anxiety, which the still calmness of my [_____] has protected me against.

And while the serine, unspoiled plains of My[_____] are where we prefer to spend our online time, other folks seem to prefer facebook. People like angry Canadian flight attendants, kids day dreaming of high school chainsaw bombing massacres and people planning to shoot themselves in the face at a gun range. This is what digital farming simulations are driving people to.

Thousands of flight attendants for Air Canada, unhappy with both management AND union leaders decided the best way to get what they wanted was to cry about it on facebook like a bunch of flight attendants on facebook… The simile is narrow, but appropriate.

Meanwhile in a Pittsburgh suburb a school murder spree being organize on facebook by a handful of angsty loners, like a bunch of canadian flight attendants, was foiled long before the teens involved could have forgotten that they tried to act bad ass on a glorified message board because they had to change for gym in front of that stuck up bitch Lorie who totally thinks she’s so fucking cool. In language that Ellwood City Mayor Anthony Court said, “Was a very vivid description.” the students hatched their master stroke:

“OK ILL SOME EXPLOSIVES.”

Literal quote taken from the article. It went on to say that local Police “interpreted the message as Martinkovich saying he would get explosives.” Description can not, by definition, be vivid if interpretation is required to understand it.

Meanalsowhile in Ohio, a facebook using individual decided to post his suicide vlog to his profile before renting a gun at a shooting range and murdering himself in the head with it. The list of wrongs in this story is too long to really get into, so I’ll just say again, that I am still firmly anti big deadly weapon rental. This is apparently the third time in three years that someone has assassinated themselves with a loaner at this range, which (to me) begs the questions: Was it the same gun every time? What’re the odds of that? Or if when a gun is used in a rental suicide does it then have to be put down like a mountain lion that wandered into what used to be it’s neighborhood but is now a poorly placed culdesac and now has to be destroyed for being a mountain lion and doing exactly what mountain lions are designed to do rather than punishing the family that’s squatting on that mountain lion’s lawn? I’ve already firmly established that it is illegal in Texas to shoot a gun with another gun, but where do the pansies in Ohio stand in the gun on gun violence debate.

Power Gesture #7: The "Cock Length"
Power Gesture #7: The "Cock Length"

The point that I’m vaguely waving at here is that this is just the beginning of facebook based hysteria. Thursday facebook is going to be rolling out another slew of services including multimedia sharing services and  “read, watched and listened” buttons which everyone is going to reflexively hate and bitch about. Facebook has become something so indispensable to people that they’ve attached a sort of personal ownership to the thing, and any time “those assholes” that created, maintain and improve what has now become this integral piece of their existence, do even the slightest little thing to improve the site, everyone bitches about it for a week. If the folks at facebook move a link button from one column to the next on your profile thousands of users wet their pants and scream at the internet like their only friend just read their unfinished X-Men slash novella before he’d gotten to the good part where Rogue grows three penises and rapes the multiple personalities of Jean Grey! … Or a Canadian flight attendant on facebook…

So, you folks have your facebooks, and your tweeting machines and your cordless cellular telephones. I’m perfectly happy with the unflinching quiet stillness of My[_____]. Nothing happens here and we like it that way and the only bad news I ever get is another morning when I don’t find a personally typed tear drenched response to my nightly e-mail whisper to new My[_____] owner Justin Timberlake where I tell him how my day went and how I know someday we’ll be together just like Tom would want. But I know he’s a busy, beautiful man, so I simultaneously don’t hold it against him, and continue sending them, knowing that if I stopped now, I would probably worry him, and I would hate to bring a second of pain into my little Jayjay’s adorable life…

So if you need us, we’ll be on My[_____], dreaming…

Martin Luther King Jr. Disses America

Posted on

Today was an historic day as the Martin Luther King Jr. Memorial was unveiled to the public today at the National Mall in Washington D.C. . It is an awesome 30 foot granite statue of MLK Jr. showing his strength, and it’s based upon the “I have a dream” speech.

Perhaps the way I view the world is a bit skewed by prescription medication and high volumes of whiskey, but the first two things that came to my mind this morning when I saw the memorial was …

The Han Solo Memorial - "Laugh it up Fuzzball"

and …

And I'm the Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing ... of rock !!

The fact that both Star Wars and RUN DMC were two of my favorite forms of entertainment growing up, I think they totally compliment the memorial. Two no nonsense figures who kicked ass and made it through hardships and tribulations. One in a futuristic setting who flied spaceships and comes to realize the importance of being part of a group and helping for the common good, and another who overcame the streets of Hollis, Queens, NY and rose above to become “The Greatest Hip Hop Group of All Time”. So WTF am I trying to say here? I really have no idea, except, I’m glad MLK is dissin’ us, “Cause it’s like that, and that’s the way it is … HUHHHHHH !!”

Facebook Will Be Murdered in 87 Days

Posted on Updated on

In an epic “Fight Club” style of badass-anarchy-not-gonna-take-it-anymore blatant threat kind of a way, a kickass movement called Anomymous has publicly pretty much said “We’re gonna murder Facebook in the face and there’s nothing anybody can do about it!” That’s a pretty ballsy claim which made us here at Van Full of Candy stand at attention to it’s Trans-Am’ery.

This isn't your daddy's Alcoholics Anonymous

In a super simple, computer hackery, War-Games’ish kinda video, the challenge is clear, and it’s something that you would only expect to see in a James Bond movie when the villain hacks the airways and jams the good guys transmission with their message of impending doomy doom. I think it’s pretty bold of Anonymous to actually GIVE Facebook almost 3 months to get ready for their impending assassination, like they’re letting Facebook know that there’s nothing they can do except crap their shorts for the next 87 days. But why would you do that? Why wouldn’t you just kill them and take the credit later on? Or even not take the credit and just know that you did what you set out to do?

It’s like any good shoot ’em up movie. The bad guy is trying throughout the entire movie to kill the good guy, and when the chance FINALLY happens, the bad guy savors the moment and doesn’t kill the good guy right away, he drags him to a warehouse where he can gloat in his bad guyness victory. But then the good guy somehow wriggles free like Houdini bound with chains, does a leg-sweep, a quick headbutt and magically wrassles the bad guys weapon from him turning the tables as only Guy Ritchie could direct it. LISTEN!! If you’re the bad guy, and you have the good guy and you can kill him, then kill him !! Period !! No chances, no warnings, no delay !!

So now the only question left is … is this real or a hoax? Is it the work of the most Trans-Am group of badass hackers toying with their victims until bludgeoning time, or is this the tomfoolery of a comedic group of writers who might even have a comedic blog that like to make videos that make people think? Hey, that sounds kinda like ours, but not ours, definitely not ours !! You decide. As for me, I’m gonna get some serious popcorn and Milk Duds ready for the release of this action flick and see what the fuck goes down that day. Guess I better start transferring all our shit over to MySpace.

4 Foot Vajayjay On Marilyn Monroe Sculpture (Porno Edition)

Posted on

All I need is a ladder and I can get my carkeys.

So this weekend was big for the former actress known as Marilyn Monroe. Not only did the classy city of Chicago erect a 27 foot “upskirt” statue of Marilyn in her “Seven Year Itch” pose, a six minute pornographic film shot in 1946 or 1947 has surfaced with Marilyn Monroe in it. Now this is quite a bit of smut to take in so fast, all at once, but let’s just take a deep breath and gaze it over shall we?

Lets start with the statue. A voyeur’s wet dream come true, out in the wide open public with panties on full display. Where one could just lie down underneath Marilyn’s cooch and go at it until it fell off. I would think that any teenage boy going through puberty couldn’t get within two blocks of it without their divining rod going apeshit. I’d be curious to know the percentage increase in public indecency tickets and/or how many children are conceived during July 2011 in Chicago.

Are you hungry for a bedtime snack?

Now let’s focus on the good stuff, porn. As if a 3 story RealDoll wasn’t enough for one blog post. So apparently when Marilyn Monroe wasn’t Marilyn Monroe, and she was still Norma Jean Mortenson, she made a little 6 minute naughty-naughty movie. The lucky dude who has the original 8mm tape is getting ready to sell it at auction, and the estimate will be over $1 million. Man, for just 6 minutes of silent black and white film? A million bucks?!? Do you not realize how much poon you can get for that, not to mention lap dances and HD full color erotica? But I suppose if you have a mill to drop on 6 mins of unconfirmed Monroe porn, then you probably have a budget setup for the other stuff too.

So thank you Marilyn, or Norma Jean or whatever your porn name was back in the 40’s, thank you for continued legacy of men getting off on your image. And now to quote the great Elton John song about you …

Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name

Sounds like a porno to me … good luck bidders !!

Better Get Your ‘Gaydar’ Fixed !!

Posted on Updated on

A heterosexual black male, a gay white male, and a filthy hillbilly male walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your type here”. The three men look at each other in confusion, turn to the bartender and say, “Which one of us are you talking to”? And that there my friends lies the question of the day … Who was the bartender talking to?

The answer to this question will have many different answers depending on your own upbringing, beliefs, judgements, and what-not’s. The sad thing about this is that there ARE answers to this question. For some of you the answer is: The Filthy Hillbilly. Look at him, he’s disgusting, he reeks of Hamm’s beer, he’s gonna try and get in a fight with someone in this bar tonight, get him the hell out of here. For others it will be: The Heterosexual Black Male. Look at him, coming in here trying to take our white women away from us, and we all know he’s bound to steal something while he’s here. And then for others it’s: The Gay White Male. Oh lord, look at him with his great fashion sense, his manicured nails, white teeth, tan, and that gawd-awful lisp. Get that flamer out of here, he’s gonna try to hit on me, I just know it.

Good afternoon ... I'd like to donate some blood.

Now this brings up another question: How do you know that he’s gay? I know many men who match the description above, hell, I might even fall into that category. So … am I now … gay? Well according to some people’s ‘Gaydar’, I just might be, which I don’t think is such a bad thing considering, once again, the description above. But what happens when somebody’s ‘Gaydar’ is malfunctioning? What if it’s not as finely tuned as other people’s ‘Gaydars’ and they tell someone that there services aren’t wanted because they … well … they just … “look too gay”?

This happened to Aaron Pace, a 22 year old, heterosexual, black male. He wanted to donate some blood at the Bio-Blood Components donation centre in Chicago where he was turned away for “appearing to be a homosexual” and “looking too gay”. Blood donation centres, including those run by the American Red Cross, do not allow gay men to donate blood because of a 30-year-old federal policy. So, who is a chosen one to determine who is gay and who isn’t? Who’s ‘Gaydar’ can we trust? Has there been new developments in ‘Gaydar’ technology? Well, I think that my ‘Gaydar’ is actually quite good, so I decided I needed to test it out for myself. I looked for a picture of Mr. Aaron Pace on the googleweb and found his picture, and, well Aaron … you do look kinda gay.

The perfectly arched brows and the "lying on the ground" pose gives it away.