Steve Jobs

Van Full of Candy's End of the World Year Predictions

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It hardly seems worth making predictions this year. As everyone is surely aware, this year isn’t going to be as long as they have been in the past. You can blame the stupid Mayans and their dumb calendar for that bunk. So with those ten fewer days at the end of not only this year, but the end of the very existence of this planet and all of those things that we have come to believe immortal and timeless, we will never truly know for sure if some of our at yet unrealized predictions might have come true in that final week and a half of the year that we’re being cheated out of.

It’s not the end of the world that upsets me, it’s not getting the proper chance to be proven right that REALLY bugs me.

But we did it last year with what could only be called “startling” accuracy, so we’re legally bound to participate this year as well. And just remember, as the planet is swallowing you whole, if for a second as your very being is being erased from forever, you think that we called one of these wrong, just know: fuck you, it WOULD have been right if planetary implosion hadn’t prematurely cut 2012 short.

Now, what do we see in our magical balls, hmmm?

  • President Barack Obama will narrowly win re-election in November, edging out the Republican ticket of Romney/Santorum and powerhouse Independent entry Trump/Seacrest.
  • Tim Tebow will reveal to the world that his mother experienced immaculate conception on March 16th (3:16) and will die for our sins by being nailed to a goal post after he wins next year’s Super Bowl.
  • The iPhone 6 will be majestically bestowed upon the multitudes as Steve Jobs descends from an actual iCloud straight from iHeaven.
  • Irrefutable evidence of a secret Iranian nuclear program will finally be revealed by US intelligence agencies. Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will try to fight back tears as his big surprise present for America’s birthday will be ruined. We’ll try to apologize and act surprised anyway when Iran does eventually deliver their present, but we’ll still feel like jerks.
  • Upon further inspection of the cruise ship that crashed in Italy, DNA findings show that the captain is the great grandson of the other incompetent ship captain that sank the Titanic and is coincidentally related to Isaac, the bartender on The Love Boat.
  • A team who’s predominant uniform color is blue, will win the NCAA Mens Basketball Championship.
  • Google and Facebook have a one night stand after an awards ceremony, get pregnant, and have a really ugly baby who is motivated by being an underachiever.
  • The world will end on December 21st when a fleet of giant star cruisers descends upon the planet, crewed by a highly advanced race of dinosaurs who have to destroy us to ensure that the time stream doesn’t unravel like a cheap sweater. We won’t quite understand the whole space time continuum explanation, but our confusion will be mercifully short lived.
  • Both the Green Bay Packers and New Orleans Saints will not make it to the Super Bowl.
  • The North American Beaver will continue to carefully guard the secret of the meaning of life, waiting patiently until the day that someone finally thinks to ask it.

And so it is, every one of 2012’s filthy little secrets laid bare for all to see. Fat lot of good it’ll do us when the Dinonauts arrive, but enjoy it while you can, ’cause they’re not gonna make a lick of sense and they’re not gonna give a shit when we don’t get it.

Dinosaur astronauts are kinda dicks.

I’m Blogging Live In Line Waiting To Buy an iPhone 4S

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Hey everyone, Jason here from VFoC blogging live from a line in front of the mall waiting to get in so I can make the mad dash to the Apple store and buy my unexpensive iPhone 4S. The strange thing about this is that I have an iPhone 4, which is less than a year old, but since I updated my iOS to 5 yesterday, my iPhone 4 just vibrates and sticks on the letter “W” when I’m typing in an address in the Maps App. Fuck you Steve Jobs.

Oh wait !! Wow, this is even more uncomfortable than having sex with a melon, I just found out that Steve Jobs died. WTHFSITAA ??? If you want to know what that acronym is, then email me directly at vanfullofcandy@gmail.com or leave a fucking goddamn comment on this post you good for nothing fans who only come here to get your fix and then leave without ANYTHING in return. Or just go to Twitter and send @vanfullofcandy a message telling me what you think it means and the person who gets it right gets a brand new, well, slightly new iPhone 4*.

Sorry bro, didn't know (wink, wink)

So yeah … wow, I totally want to apologize now for swearing the F bomb profanity at a dead man, that was way rude, but I’m just so out of touch with what’s going on out there in the real world. What a dick I am … I hope nobody holds this against me, I mean SHIT, I didn’t know he was dead. I figured with the new phone coming out and the new iTunes and the update to my phone which pretty much turned it into a cassette-tape size paperweight that he was still around. And we all know he is … come on, he just had a fucking space station designed here in our great state of Cali. Don’t tell me he’s not hiding in there with 2-Pac and Biggy Smalls.

Anyway, I need to stand up stretch because I’ve got at least another 10 hours before they open this bitch up so I can get my hands on a new iPhone.

*Totally lying so don’t EVEN !!

I'm Blogging Live In Line Waiting To Buy an iPhone 4S

Posted on

Hey everyone, Jason here from VFoC blogging live from a line in front of the mall waiting to get in so I can make the mad dash to the Apple store and buy my unexpensive iPhone 4S. The strange thing about this is that I have an iPhone 4, which is less than a year old, but since I updated my iOS to 5 yesterday, my iPhone 4 just vibrates and sticks on the letter “W” when I’m typing in an address in the Maps App. Fuck you Steve Jobs.

Oh wait !! Wow, this is even more uncomfortable than having sex with a melon, I just found out that Steve Jobs died. WTHFSITAA ??? If you want to know what that acronym is, then email me directly at vanfullofcandy@gmail.com or leave a fucking goddamn comment on this post you good for nothing fans who only come here to get your fix and then leave without ANYTHING in return. Or just go to Twitter and send @vanfullofcandy a message telling me what you think it means and the person who gets it right gets a brand new, well, slightly new iPhone 4*.

Sorry bro, didn’t know (wink, wink)

So yeah … wow, I totally want to apologize now for swearing the F bomb profanity at a dead man, that was way rude, but I’m just so out of touch with what’s going on out there in the real world. What a dick I am … I hope nobody holds this against me, I mean SHIT, I didn’t know he was dead. I figured with the new phone coming out and the new iTunes and the update to my phone which pretty much turned it into a cassette-tape size paperweight that he was still around. And we all know he is … come on, he just had a fucking space station designed here in our great state of Cali. Don’t tell me he’s not hiding in there with 2-Pac and Biggy Smalls.

Anyway, I need to stand up stretch because I’ve got at least another 10 hours before they open this bitch up so I can get my hands on a new iPhone.

*Totally lying so don’t EVEN !!

Apple unveils “iLand”: You’re All Going to Die Here

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Steve Jobs is building a 150 acre compound in Cupertino California to house his 12,000 iTroops for the coming Applegeddon, and there’s precisely not a single damned thing that you or any god being to which you have pledged your eternal soul can do about it.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing people that getting a discount by signing a two year contract agreement was ever a discount at all…

"I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world, Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take."
“I’m a new soul, I came to this strange world, Hoping I could learn a bit ’bout how to give and take.”

“iLand” as it will have come to be known to the scattered future rebels fighters of “iYear 41”, has been presented to the Cupertino City Council as a new state of the art, environmentally friendly, self sufficient headquarters for Apple Inc. and in a city like Cupertino, where the only form of entertainment is sitting around and watching each other slowly die, this is surely spectacular news.

The plan is being welcomed with open arms by the Mayor, Gilbert Wong, who after being unplugged and booted up said in a statement that Cupertino is excited that Apple is moving forward with a new campus. “We know that we will be looking at a state-of-the-art facility and all the challenges and opportunities that go along with that,” the Wong mark IV transmitted to media outlets via his built in wireless Airport card before once again powering down and being plugged back into the wall. 

The Tron data disk shaped building sitting on 150 acres of land (that Emperor Jobs absorbed into his own essence after beheading Bill Hewlett and David Packard in a mountain top sword fight filled with lightning and magic) will be four stories tall, with an additional four floors of subterranean “parking” and will be able to generate it’s own power. “I think what we’re going to end up doing is making the energy center our primary source of power, because we can generate power with natural gas and other ways that can be cleaner and cheaper, and use the grid as our backup,” Jobs said.

When asked why the Emperor chose to use air quotes when referring to the lower levels as “parking” he told the petulant upstart council member that he would “see for himself” before firing his Matter Disassembler eye beam iBeams, seemingly vaporizing the man in question and filling the otherwise silent council chambers with his thunderous, mirthless laughter.

“It’s a little like a spaceship landed.” Jobs joked about the proposed design to the council, eliciting a mandatory response of howling laughter from the remaining un-banished council members at the prodding of the Emperor’s elite guard. Like a “spaceship” has “landed”, why, such a notion couldn’t be further from the truth! Spaceships are the thing of fantasy and children’s stories. Sure, it has the look of a space craft from science fiction, but that’s simply because the Emperor, in his limitless wisdom and flair for dramatic, poignant imagery has simply chosen a figure which represents the endless, seamless shape of the infinite, while at the same time, in employing a design with no corners he is emphasizing to his enemies that there are no corners where you can hide, no shadows to protect you from his all seeing gaze. Spaceship? That makes him laugh every time.

In fact, what the Jobs has here is not a vehicle in which to travel through space at all but instead a transdimentional focal singularity generator to bring space to him. It is a bridge, as it were, to all known realities, from which Emperor Jobs can launch his troops on endless conquests of the infinity of potential dimensional planes. And it certainly hasn’t “landed”, that’s just preposterous. No, it’s actually been there for decades. Only now as its construction has been completed in the “Void-Space” between dimensions will the new headquarters begin phasing into this plane of existence. See, nothing so fantastical as “a spaceship landed”.

Plans are expected to be submitted to and approved by the Apple implanted iPoliticians on the Cupertino City Council by 2012 and iLand is expected to fully materialize on this plane of existence and be ready for stage seven of Apple’s trans-galactic conquest operation by sometime in 2015.

Of course the new iLand 2, which will be 13% larger, only two stories thick and fully equipped with an extra 3.8 million cameras is expected to be completed six months later.

Apple unveils "iLand": You're All Going to Die Here

Posted on

Steve Jobs is building a 150 acre compound in Cupertino California to house his 12,000 iTroops for the coming Applegeddon, and there’s precisely not a single damned thing that you or any god being to which you have pledged your eternal soul can do about it.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing people that getting a discount by signing a two year contract agreement was ever a discount at all…

"I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world, Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take."
“I’m a new soul, I came to this strange world, Hoping I could learn a bit ’bout how to give and take.”

“iLand” as it will have come to be known to the scattered future rebels fighters of “iYear 41”, has been presented to the Cupertino City Council as a new state of the art, environmentally friendly, self sufficient headquarters for Apple Inc. and in a city like Cupertino, where the only form of entertainment is sitting around and watching each other slowly die, this is surely spectacular news.

The plan is being welcomed with open arms by the Mayor, Gilbert Wong, who after being unplugged and booted up said in a statement that Cupertino is excited that Apple is moving forward with a new campus. “We know that we will be looking at a state-of-the-art facility and all the challenges and opportunities that go along with that,” the Wong mark IV transmitted to media outlets via his built in wireless Airport card before once again powering down and being plugged back into the wall. 

The Tron data disk shaped building sitting on 150 acres of land (that Emperor Jobs absorbed into his own essence after beheading Bill Hewlett and David Packard in a mountain top sword fight filled with lightning and magic) will be four stories tall, with an additional four floors of subterranean “parking” and will be able to generate it’s own power. “I think what we’re going to end up doing is making the energy center our primary source of power, because we can generate power with natural gas and other ways that can be cleaner and cheaper, and use the grid as our backup,” Jobs said.

When asked why the Emperor chose to use air quotes when referring to the lower levels as “parking” he told the petulant upstart council member that he would “see for himself” before firing his Matter Disassembler eye beam iBeams, seemingly vaporizing the man in question and filling the otherwise silent council chambers with his thunderous, mirthless laughter.

“It’s a little like a spaceship landed.” Jobs joked about the proposed design to the council, eliciting a mandatory response of howling laughter from the remaining un-banished council members at the prodding of the Emperor’s elite guard. Like a “spaceship” has “landed”, why, such a notion couldn’t be further from the truth! Spaceships are the thing of fantasy and children’s stories. Sure, it has the look of a space craft from science fiction, but that’s simply because the Emperor, in his limitless wisdom and flair for dramatic, poignant imagery has simply chosen a figure which represents the endless, seamless shape of the infinite, while at the same time, in employing a design with no corners he is emphasizing to his enemies that there are no corners where you can hide, no shadows to protect you from his all seeing gaze. Spaceship? That makes him laugh every time.

In fact, what the Jobs has here is not a vehicle in which to travel through space at all but instead a transdimentional focal singularity generator to bring space to him. It is a bridge, as it were, to all known realities, from which Emperor Jobs can launch his troops on endless conquests of the infinity of potential dimensional planes. And it certainly hasn’t “landed”, that’s just preposterous. No, it’s actually been there for decades. Only now as its construction has been completed in the “Void-Space” between dimensions will the new headquarters begin phasing into this plane of existence. See, nothing so fantastical as “a spaceship landed”.

Plans are expected to be submitted to and approved by the Apple implanted iPoliticians on the Cupertino City Council by 2012 and iLand is expected to fully materialize on this plane of existence and be ready for stage seven of Apple’s trans-galactic conquest operation by sometime in 2015.

Of course the new iLand 2, which will be 13% larger, only two stories thick and fully equipped with an extra 3.8 million cameras is expected to be completed six months later.

Brain Cancer? There’s an App For That.

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Well, the good news is that the asshole sitting in front of you who took that call in the middle of the super dramatic and or touching moment during the last half hour of the future Oscar nominated Kung Fu Panda 2 this Sunday afternoon, and who’s whispering voice is louder than most toddler wails, is going to die a horrible screaming death, unable to recognize even his closest loved ones as the thing growing in his head lurches one final time and mashes all that was him against the inside of his skull and explodes.

The bad news: so will all of the rest of us otherwise thoughtful, conscientious movie goers.

You see, in the future, your cell phone has murdered you already.

In the industrialized world, everything we eat, make, or look at is killing us, so it should come as no surprise that something we’ve often been told is probably killing us is probably killing us. Tuesday the World Health Organization released the results of a study that suggests that cell phones may cause cancer and are categorized as being as hazardous as lead, engine exhaust and chloroform, making them basically as dangerous as anything else made in China.

See, cell phones emit non-ionizing radiation. The kind that the article describes, saying it like it’s a good thing, as “like a very low-powered microwave oven.”

“What microwave radiation does in most simplistic terms is similar to what happens to food in microwaves, essentially cooking the brain. So in addition to leading to a development of cancer and tumors, there could be a whole host of other effects like cognitive memory function, since the memory temporal lobes are where we hold our cell phones.”

We are holding tiny microwave ovens to our heads and nuking our memories.

Introducing the new iTumorer 4GT! Only $599 with contract!
Introducing the new iTumorer 4GT! Only $599 with contract!

So what will be done? Well, if you said “With the swiftness of the angels choir, we, the consumer, will take this new found knowledge, given to us by those looking out for our own best interest so that we might better preserve our personal well being, and use it in the manner intended, to protect ourselves from those who might instead have their own personal gain as their most prescient thought. While those responsible for the manufacture and sale of these products will surely see that theirs is a dangerous gadget and will redouble their efforts to safeguard their precious customers, of whom their entire existence relies, to ensure that in the future they are delivering nothing but the finest quality product for the money because it is what the customer deserves, and what they certainly don’t deserve is a brain full of cancers.” then you were clearly born sometime during the reading of this article and that the well reasoned and insightful response of a mind not privy to the selfishness and stupidity of the world that awaits you, while certainly sounding measured and clear in your newborn head instead likely came out only as a mouth full of goo followed by a scream fueled by your first breath of life.

The truth is of course that this will change absolutely nothing. We’ve known since the advent of the cell phone that holding something against our head that is shooting invisible beams into space which are in turn being shot right back through self same head at the speed of light probably isn’t the best thing we could be doing to it, but that doesn’t stop us from buying the newest one the second we are legally allowed to. Knowing that our phones are cooking our gray meat isn’t going to keep us from using them. Sure, I might get myself a new hands free ear bud, but then the second that stops working I’ll be pressing my skull roasting rectangle back to my face and jerkeying my memories again.

The simple fact of the matter is that they could call the damned thing the iTumorer 4GT and there would be a line around the block for it come release day just so long as it had three cameras, weighed a 64th of an ounce less and had 64gigs to put all of the music that we’d forgotten why we liked because that part of our brain now had the texture of over defrosted chicken.

The benzene is what gives it that smooth, full body flavor.
The benzene is what gives it that smooth, full body flavor.

You know how many cigarettes are still sold in the world every day? Neither do I, because I’ve got more important things to do than count cigarettes, but the point is, there’s still a lot, and what’s crazy is that new people begin smoking every day. Cigarettes are now sold wrapped entirely in warning labels that tell you plainly that inhaling the cylinders held within will give you a fatal disease or your money back, and people are still buying them. People who have never lived a day on this planet without the knowledge of this inevitability are STILL STARTING to do this thing as I type this. People could not be warned about the dangers of this entirely legal item any more if the only way they could buy them in the store was if they had to recite the entire Surgeon General’s warning along with their brand before being given a pack. So telling people that the rectangle in their pocket that contains their entire life might kill them isn’t going to phase anyone.

Did you also know that every time you have ever used your phone ever, you’ve been doing it wrong, and Apple has desperately been trying to protect you this whole time. In the iPhone user manual it says that in order to not exceed FCC radiation exposure guidelines while using it as it’s designed to be used to, “keep iPhone at least 15 mm (5/8 inch) away from the body.” They’re fully aware what they have to say they told you about not cooking your brain, and they’re just as aware that you’re not going to read that, or if you did, you probably chuckled and thought how stupid it was. It doesn’t matter how impossible that would make the USE of your “phone” in what is supposed to be its primary function of listening to someone on the other end relaying verbal information through a speaker that wouldn’t work well enough if you implanted it in your skull. You’re holding it too close to not get cancer, so it’s your fault if you didn’t use their product as directed.

So in the end this new found knowledge is going to do exactly nothing. People are going to continue using their cell phones with the full understanding that it is slowly killing them and they’re simply not going to care. So really, is it actually better to know exactly what’s killing you, or to just go on assuming that everything is, knowing that you’re probably right anyway? In the meantime, if you want to get a hold of me, buy a stamp and make sure it’s worth a week for my response. I’ll be in the lime pit I’ve dug in my backyard and covered with moss and wishes. That ought to keep me safe, at least until scientists tell me that wishes give you AIDS…

Brain Cancer? There's an App For That.

Posted on

Well, the good news is that the asshole sitting in front of you who took that call in the middle of the super dramatic and or touching moment during the last half hour of the future Oscar nominated Kung Fu Panda 2 this Sunday afternoon, and who’s whispering voice is louder than most toddler wails, is going to die a horrible screaming death, unable to recognize even his closest loved ones as the thing growing in his head lurches one final time and mashes all that was him against the inside of his skull and explodes.

The bad news: so will all of the rest of us otherwise thoughtful, conscientious movie goers.

You see, in the future, your cell phone has murdered you already.

In the industrialized world, everything we eat, make, or look at is killing us, so it should come as no surprise that something we’ve often been told is probably killing us is probably killing us. Tuesday the World Health Organization released the results of a study that suggests that cell phones may cause cancer and are categorized as being as hazardous as lead, engine exhaust and chloroform, making them basically as dangerous as anything else made in China.

See, cell phones emit non-ionizing radiation. The kind that the article describes, saying it like it’s a good thing, as “like a very low-powered microwave oven.”

“What microwave radiation does in most simplistic terms is similar to what happens to food in microwaves, essentially cooking the brain. So in addition to leading to a development of cancer and tumors, there could be a whole host of other effects like cognitive memory function, since the memory temporal lobes are where we hold our cell phones.”

We are holding tiny microwave ovens to our heads and nuking our memories.

Introducing the new iTumorer 4GT! Only $599 with contract!
Introducing the new iTumorer 4GT! Only $599 with contract!

So what will be done? Well, if you said “With the swiftness of the angels choir, we, the consumer, will take this new found knowledge, given to us by those looking out for our own best interest so that we might better preserve our personal well being, and use it in the manner intended, to protect ourselves from those who might instead have their own personal gain as their most prescient thought. While those responsible for the manufacture and sale of these products will surely see that theirs is a dangerous gadget and will redouble their efforts to safeguard their precious customers, of whom their entire existence relies, to ensure that in the future they are delivering nothing but the finest quality product for the money because it is what the customer deserves, and what they certainly don’t deserve is a brain full of cancers.” then you were clearly born sometime during the reading of this article and that the well reasoned and insightful response of a mind not privy to the selfishness and stupidity of the world that awaits you, while certainly sounding measured and clear in your newborn head instead likely came out only as a mouth full of goo followed by a scream fueled by your first breath of life.

The truth is of course that this will change absolutely nothing. We’ve known since the advent of the cell phone that holding something against our head that is shooting invisible beams into space which are in turn being shot right back through self same head at the speed of light probably isn’t the best thing we could be doing to it, but that doesn’t stop us from buying the newest one the second we are legally allowed to. Knowing that our phones are cooking our gray meat isn’t going to keep us from using them. Sure, I might get myself a new hands free ear bud, but then the second that stops working I’ll be pressing my skull roasting rectangle back to my face and jerkeying my memories again.

The simple fact of the matter is that they could call the damned thing the iTumorer 4GT and there would be a line around the block for it come release day just so long as it had three cameras, weighed a 64th of an ounce less and had 64gigs to put all of the music that we’d forgotten why we liked because that part of our brain now had the texture of over defrosted chicken.

The benzene is what gives it that smooth, full body flavor.
The benzene is what gives it that smooth, full body flavor.

You know how many cigarettes are still sold in the world every day? Neither do I, because I’ve got more important things to do than count cigarettes, but the point is, there’s still a lot, and what’s crazy is that new people begin smoking every day. Cigarettes are now sold wrapped entirely in warning labels that tell you plainly that inhaling the cylinders held within will give you a fatal disease or your money back, and people are still buying them. People who have never lived a day on this planet without the knowledge of this inevitability are STILL STARTING to do this thing as I type this. People could not be warned about the dangers of this entirely legal item any more if the only way they could buy them in the store was if they had to recite the entire Surgeon General’s warning along with their brand before being given a pack. So telling people that the rectangle in their pocket that contains their entire life might kill them isn’t going to phase anyone.

Did you also know that every time you have ever used your phone ever, you’ve been doing it wrong, and Apple has desperately been trying to protect you this whole time. In the iPhone user manual it says that in order to not exceed FCC radiation exposure guidelines while using it as it’s designed to be used to, “keep iPhone at least 15 mm (5/8 inch) away from the body.” They’re fully aware what they have to say they told you about not cooking your brain, and they’re just as aware that you’re not going to read that, or if you did, you probably chuckled and thought how stupid it was. It doesn’t matter how impossible that would make the USE of your “phone” in what is supposed to be its primary function of listening to someone on the other end relaying verbal information through a speaker that wouldn’t work well enough if you implanted it in your skull. You’re holding it too close to not get cancer, so it’s your fault if you didn’t use their product as directed.

So in the end this new found knowledge is going to do exactly nothing. People are going to continue using their cell phones with the full understanding that it is slowly killing them and they’re simply not going to care. So really, is it actually better to know exactly what’s killing you, or to just go on assuming that everything is, knowing that you’re probably right anyway? In the meantime, if you want to get a hold of me, buy a stamp and make sure it’s worth a week for my response. I’ll be in the lime pit I’ve dug in my backyard and covered with moss and wishes. That ought to keep me safe, at least until scientists tell me that wishes give you AIDS…

The White, Ambiguously Non-Racist, iPhone 4 Announced

Posted on Updated on

God, I even SMELL like a Nazi

The multi-billionaire, close to owning the world, old, white, arrogant, eat at the finest restaurants every night, cigar smoking men at Apple have just completely outdone themselves today. They just announced that at the end of this month they will be releasing a white iPhone 4. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more controversial with this company, they just blatantly yell to the world … “Hey, we’re racist, now suck our iPad!” A WHITE iPHONE! Might as well call it the Aryan race iPhone while you’re at it. The nerve! White! Have you ever seen a white apple? NO! Didn’t think so, they’re red, yellow and green. Although green kinda detracts from my rant/argument, I’m going to leave it in there because I’m sure aliens are green and they would be offended too, but I digress.

You would think that making millions upon billions upon kajillions of dollars year after year you could at least have the smallest ‘politically correct’ bone in your old honky bodies. You would think that coming from men who are slathered in embalming fluid every night with peacock feathers by hot Ukranian mail order brides would have the decency to realize that the rest of the world doesn’t have it quite as good as they do and would think, “hey, maybe we should end this whole race issue”. But do you think they can? No! They just can’t help themselves, they have to keep the white man strong, and on top, and in the lead.

I make so much money that I look like Christian Bale, right ladies?

Well to that all I can say is bullshit! This is a public boycott against Apple and their segregationistic ways! A boycott against their pretty, shiny, white, meatloaf eating products! We must rise up, we must unite against this ivory tower of technology and bigotry. We can no longer stand in lines for two days prior to a release of the “manna” that Steve Jobs and his Apple cronies deem worthy to bestow upon their brainwashed minions. The madness must end, and it must end today!!

A message from the CEO of Van Full of Candy: Good morning everyone. We would like to reiterate that the opinions expressed here are the views of the writer, specifically in this case Jason, and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Van Full of Candy and their kind and extremely generous corporate sponsors. Upon finding out that Apple did indeed make a black iPhone, Jason immediately passed out and hit his head rather hard against the wooden floor. As he was being loaded into the ambulance he was mumbling something about stand strong for the brown, yellow and red iPhones that have yet to be made by the racist assholes otherwise known as Apple, Inc.

Thank you.

Can't we all just get the F along?

iPad 2 Features Revealed

Posted on Updated on

Gather ye multitudes and bear witness to the second coming
The Apple rumor mill is in full swing this week with rumors of the new iPad. Lucky for you, Van Full of Candy is always on the bleeding edge of technological scuttlebutt. We are forever privy to insider information and are always in the VIP sections of all computer’y thingy’s related soirees where hundreds of geeks gather for the cyberworld heavens to open and bestow upon us the latest gadgetry in which we shall giggle uncontrollably, then give our paycheck offerings to the black, mock turtleneck swaddled deity, Steve “Immanuel” Jobs.
The announcement for the new iPad 2 will be announced next Wednesday to the press, as seen from the invitation that we just recently received above. However, Van Full of Candy got a special “secret SECOND invitation” as well, one that Mashable didn’t even receive. One that let us actually play with the new electronic Etch A Sketch yesterday, and although we signed a non-disclosure agreement, we just can’t keep this gizmo’s deliciousness from our loyal fans. Aside from the mundane, normal features that everybody is expecting, like two cameras, or bigger speakers, and cool new holes for plugging things into it, here are the REAL upgrades that nobody was expecting from the soon to be released iPad 2.

The resolution is making me cry

Real Retina Display – In an ever increasing race for unmatchable clarity in handheld devices, Apple has found the ultimate retina display available. The eye of a whale. The dimensions of a whale’s eye is coincidentally the exact size of the iPad 2 which makes for a perfect display. We found that the wet, slimy screen was a little hard to get used to, but God the clarity is so worth it.
Quick Porn Invisibility Mode – If you’ve ever been browsing the
If only the sound would have stopped too
underbelly of the internets, you’ve probably come across a website or two that might borderline on the NSFW variety. Well now those “getting caught porn handed” days are over. The new iPad 2 has an infrared sensor that turns the whole damn thing invisible when anybody gets within 6 feet of you when you’re browsing porn. Brilliant! In our tests, we found that this mode works well with hiding the embarrassment of browsing icanhazcheeseburger.com as well.

What luck that his last name was Shrinker

Built In Professional Espresso Maker – In an agreement between Apple and Starbucks, a full blown effort to rid coffee shops of these techy-caffeine-junkies who set up shop in your local Starbuck’s has been put in place. The two megapowers put their zillion dollar budgets together to create the smallest, professional grade espresso maker that will fit in the iPad 2. The La Marzocco FB/80 Semi professional espresso maker has been created by the Dr. Shrinker shrink ray which Jobs acquired once the show was cancelled. The 64GB version comes with an actual barista.

Next year we'll have one for the bathroom

Doorstop Mode – In an effort to be more sustainable and keep their devices out of landfills around the world, Apple has smartly introduced the doorstop mode. Once you purchase your iPad 2, an App will install automatically about 364 days after the purchase, the exact day your device will become obsolete with the new iPad 3. When you press the Doorstop Mode App icon, the iPad 2 will then fold into a wedge shaped doorstop. Voila! Your doors stay open and you just saved another whale, which Apple will then kill to make two more iPad 3’s. The circle of life.
Me: 1 - Whales: 0