Holiday

Guys Hate Valentine's Day (Whitney Houston Style)

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The official day of love, as told to us by a major greeting card corporation, comes once a year and here we are standing three people deep in an aisle of pink picked over rectangles. We stand there with glazed over eyes, a smidge of drool forming in the corner of our mouths, hoping that there is more than a “Love You Mom” left over. Why must we be reduced to this Hallmark? Is this some sort of sick ass joke?

Well, we’re not gonna take it anymore! Men! Unite! Say NO! to Valentine’s Day!!

Articles Schmarticles … Show Us The Boobs !!!

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When I think of great reading material the only true publication that jumps out at me without even giving it a second thought is Playboy. Month after month, year after year they churn out some of the  most interesting and in depth articles covering the gamut from polictics to Super Bowl MVPs, from how to get your woman off in 30 seconds to tips for deep frying a turkey on Thanksgiving. And in some circles “deep frying a turkey” just happens to be a term for getting your woman off involving Crisco in a bathtub with a turkey baster, so you see, they’re pretty damn smart without even knowing it. So you could probably understand my utter glee when I discovered that the double edition, holiday anniversary issue of Playboy for Jan/Feb 2012 was going to feature Elmore Leonard and George Pelecanos … HOLY SHIT !!! Not to mention the 20 greatest cocktails and cars of the year … CARS OF THE FUCKING YEAR PEOPLE !!!

With that gleam in Jill's eyes, Mark knew it was Deep Fry Time !!

The truth of the matter is, without Playboy, I wouldn’t even know what “cocktail” actually meant unless it had the words Pabst Blue Ribbon painted on the glass with an all American red, white and blue label to let me know that it was worthy of pouring down my gullet. Cock … tail … to the untrained ear that could really be misconstrued as some sort of weird rooster appendage, or even worse, a tail that looked like a … you get the idea. So thank you Playboy, thank you for making a silly layman like me into a cultured sophisticate looking refined when I order a Vieux Carre at the Keefer when I’m jet-setting in BC, or when I make simple conversation about how one should never even THINK of mentioning the Bentley GT V8 in the same breath as the Carrera 4 GTS, two completely different animals, and if you don’t understand the subtleties then please excuse yourself from this conversation sir. Oh, and apparently some drunk chick who’s spent the last 2 years failing to make it to court hearings got paid a cool million for showing us her tits. Yay America!

Santa Christ Is Coming To Town

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What better way to bring in the Yuletide season with the wonderful smell of Gingerbread Lattes and White Christmas playing in the background. Storming the malls on black Friday and hopefully not trampling anyone in the process, let alone being the trample-ee. Getting all the things our family wants and eating all the things that make us feel good about the season. Santa and Rudolph, snowflakes and chestnuts, presents and misletoe and … oh wait … what about Jesus? No, not your gardener, the little baby from the book who’s mama never did the nasty … no, not that movie about the barren mother who went on an adoption spree … the freakin’ son of God people, come on !! So let’s go back to the beginning of this nonsense run-on sentence and start over … what better way to bring in the Yuletide season then by combining the things we love, the things we have faith in, the things we know are both real … right? Enter Loudoun County Courthouse in historic Leesburg, Virginia … virgin, Virginia … I smell co-ink-ee-dink. The good people of the courthouse decided to let the first 10 applicants put up an art display, on the courthouse lawn for the holidays, and here’s what they got for their trust in mankind … I like to call it … Santa “Bones” Christ …

Apparently some of the residents in the area did not like this art installation and neither did the councilpeople who decided that this would be an ok idea. “I just think that these folks are trying to ruin the holiday spirit in the name of the first amendment,” Leesburg councilmember Ken Reid said. “They are just very disrespectful of the community.” But the odd thing was that they didn’t seem to mind a very similar wood carving in church the following Sunday … strange.

Thanks baby J for Xmas and Easter !!

Well, Tomorrow’s One Better, Isn’t it?

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Every year there’s a magic number date that the numerological treat special because completely by accident the calendar did something interesting. Most of the time I couldn’t care less and silently root for the passing of this magical day so that I don’t have to hear about it again for another hundred years. But this year is different, this year actually IS special? Why? What makes this year’s coincidental chrono peculiarity more special than previous years? Simple: I care about it. And that makes all the difference in the world.

Tomorrow is the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year of this twenty first century. The century does nothing to help this holiday, so it was scarcely worth mentioning, but I did it anyway because I have no control over the things that my brain tells my fingers to clickity clack. The important thing is that, if you’ve been listening to my points between the pointless, tomorrow is 11/11/11.

These etherial whisps just want to show you a good time. Now let's shimmy out of those pants, mortal.
These etherial whisps just want to show you a good time. Now let’s shimmy out of those pants, mortal.

Believers in new age mysticism and synchronicity will no doubt have their crystals all shiny and at the ready tomorrow, primed to the optimus for the opening of an intradimensional gateway at the stroke of 11:11:11 am when all 1,111 “fun loving” Spirit Guardians will pour into our plane of existence handing out puppies and chocolate to all the good little boys and girls and giving hand jobs to the less fortunate. No shaky oldling will go unhelped across the street and everyone will win the lottery! Twice! And if you don’t believe that the world around you is flooded with billions of highly trained invisible Celestial beings here to assist you with all of your every day needs, then you’re missin’ out Jack! I haven’t had to blend my own iced cocktail in years because they just love doin’ it for me, I feel like a dick any time I do anything for myself!

But that’s not why I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s accidentidate, not that I don’t enjoy a good chocolate hand job, because I do, it’s two great tastes that taste great together. For me, tomorrow is important because of one 1984 film which was brave enough to ask the question, “How much more black could this be?” and wise enough to answer, “None, none more black.”

For tomorrow, the eleventh day of November in the year of our lost something eleven; is Nigel Tufnel day.

For those of you that don’t know and love “This is Spinal Tap”, shut up. Shut up and never speak to me about anything you deem important ever again because you have forfeit your right to be taken seriously for the rest of what you charitably call your life. For those that do honor and obey the film, thank you for your service to your country, you’re a true patriot and may the sound track of your life always be in doubly.

Tonight we're gonna rock you, tonight!
Tonight we’re gonna rock you, tonight!

You may say that you’ve never seen, never heard of, and never liked Spinal Tap, but I’ll bet dollars to other, rounder dollars, that at some point in your life you have heard, or even used yourself, the term or slight variation of, “This one goes to eleven.” In which case, you are worshiping at the altar of Nigel Tufnel and the almighty Tap, which is why tomorrow will be, for me and millions like me, a celebration of the Majesty of Rock, and to a slightly lesser extent, the mystery of roll. My only regret for tomorrow is in not having the forethought when I began working on ‘staching my visage for the month of Movember, to grow a magnificent “Derek Smalls”, and now I feel like an idiot… AND I have a mustache…

But celebrate I shall and persevere I must, for tomorrow is quite possibly the single most important day in the history of all of… history… not to put it in too much fucking perspective now. Unfortunately it looks like too few others put it in the proper perspective as a quick Fandango search revealed no showings of “This is Spinal Tap” in the Los Angeles area tomorrow so it’s up to me to plan my own little celebration and recognition of this holy of holies, which I’m sharing with you in the hopes that you will adopt it as your own.

I will be spending the day in my favorite t-shirt depicting a 100% accurate reproduction of my skeleton, doing everything as hard, loud and dumb as I can, and when I get home and settle in with some appropriately proportioned sandwiches and properly stuffed olives, I am going to back time my “This is Spinal Tap” DVD so that at exactly 11:11 pm tomorrow night the famous dialogue exchange in question will announce to every Midwayer standing imperceptibly by my side at the ready to assist in anything I may need, that everything will be all right. Because when others are all the way up with no where else to go, I know that when ever I need that extra push over the cliff, I can just reach down for that one louder, on this day more than any other.

But if that doesn’t work, I could always use a chocolate handy to brighten up my day…

Maybe these new age folks are on to something with this thing that I just invented that they believe in…

Happy Nigel Tufnel Day everybody!

Well, Tomorrow's One Better, Isn't it?

Posted on

Every year there’s a magic number date that the numerological treat special because completely by accident the calendar did something interesting. Most of the time I couldn’t care less and silently root for the passing of this magical day so that I don’t have to hear about it again for another hundred years. But this year is different, this year actually IS special? Why? What makes this year’s coincidental chrono peculiarity more special than previous years? Simple: I care about it. And that makes all the difference in the world.

Tomorrow is the eleventh day of the eleventh month of the eleventh year of this twenty first century. The century does nothing to help this holiday, so it was scarcely worth mentioning, but I did it anyway because I have no control over the things that my brain tells my fingers to clickity clack. The important thing is that, if you’ve been listening to my points between the pointless, tomorrow is 11/11/11.

These etherial whisps just want to show you a good time. Now let's shimmy out of those pants, mortal.
These etherial whisps just want to show you a good time. Now let’s shimmy out of those pants, mortal.

Believers in new age mysticism and synchronicity will no doubt have their crystals all shiny and at the ready tomorrow, primed to the optimus for the opening of an intradimensional gateway at the stroke of 11:11:11 am when all 1,111 “fun loving” Spirit Guardians will pour into our plane of existence handing out puppies and chocolate to all the good little boys and girls and giving hand jobs to the less fortunate. No shaky oldling will go unhelped across the street and everyone will win the lottery! Twice! And if you don’t believe that the world around you is flooded with billions of highly trained invisible Celestial beings here to assist you with all of your every day needs, then you’re missin’ out Jack! I haven’t had to blend my own iced cocktail in years because they just love doin’ it for me, I feel like a dick any time I do anything for myself!

But that’s not why I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s accidentidate, not that I don’t enjoy a good chocolate hand job, because I do, it’s two great tastes that taste great together. For me, tomorrow is important because of one 1984 film which was brave enough to ask the question, “How much more black could this be?” and wise enough to answer, “None, none more black.”

For tomorrow, the eleventh day of November in the year of our lost something eleven; is Nigel Tufnel day.

For those of you that don’t know and love “This is Spinal Tap”, shut up. Shut up and never speak to me about anything you deem important ever again because you have forfeit your right to be taken seriously for the rest of what you charitably call your life. For those that do honor and obey the film, thank you for your service to your country, you’re a true patriot and may the sound track of your life always be in doubly.

Tonight we're gonna rock you, tonight!
Tonight we’re gonna rock you, tonight!

You may say that you’ve never seen, never heard of, and never liked Spinal Tap, but I’ll bet dollars to other, rounder dollars, that at some point in your life you have heard, or even used yourself, the term or slight variation of, “This one goes to eleven.” In which case, you are worshiping at the altar of Nigel Tufnel and the almighty Tap, which is why tomorrow will be, for me and millions like me, a celebration of the Majesty of Rock, and to a slightly lesser extent, the mystery of roll. My only regret for tomorrow is in not having the forethought when I began working on ‘staching my visage for the month of Movember, to grow a magnificent “Derek Smalls”, and now I feel like an idiot… AND I have a mustache…

But celebrate I shall and persevere I must, for tomorrow is quite possibly the single most important day in the history of all of… history… not to put it in too much fucking perspective now. Unfortunately it looks like too few others put it in the proper perspective as a quick Fandango search revealed no showings of “This is Spinal Tap” in the Los Angeles area tomorrow so it’s up to me to plan my own little celebration and recognition of this holy of holies, which I’m sharing with you in the hopes that you will adopt it as your own.

I will be spending the day in my favorite t-shirt depicting a 100% accurate reproduction of my skeleton, doing everything as hard, loud and dumb as I can, and when I get home and settle in with some appropriately proportioned sandwiches and properly stuffed olives, I am going to back time my “This is Spinal Tap” DVD so that at exactly 11:11 pm tomorrow night the famous dialogue exchange in question will announce to every Midwayer standing imperceptibly by my side at the ready to assist in anything I may need, that everything will be all right. Because when others are all the way up with no where else to go, I know that when ever I need that extra push over the cliff, I can just reach down for that one louder, on this day more than any other.

But if that doesn’t work, I could always use a chocolate handy to brighten up my day…

Maybe these new age folks are on to something with this thing that I just invented that they believe in…

Happy Nigel Tufnel Day everybody!

Van Full of Candy’s Last Minute Zombified Costume Ideas

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Halloween has become big business in recent years as adults have stolen away a holiday intended for children to play dress up by scaring parents with tales of abduction and tainted treats to the point where most juvenile trick treating takes place in well lit suburban malls at two in the afternoon on February 9th. In its place a parade of whores in inches of fabric vaguely associated with some sort of  honorable profession, crime fighting, fire fighting, hamburglaring, and guys wearing just enough of a costume to legally grind against those scantilly clad heroes for as long as legally allowed.

Now, we’re not here to pass judgement on this changing of the holiday, because really, no matter what we say is wrong. We’re either endorsing whore fest costumed VD transmittal gatherings or children being used as candy retrieval devices for lazy parents. So whether or not it’s right is irrelivent, what’s important now is that Zombies are in and we want a piece of that multi-trillion dollar costuming pie! Every body wants to be a zombie, but you also want to stand out in the endless horde of flesh eating monsters. And with that in mind Van Full of Candy would like to present our last minute costume ideas, infected with just enough Zombie to make you the life of any undead party!

iPhone Zombie: You want people to touch all your buttons? Well there’s an app for that. Push it here, slide it here, yeah now THAT’s a costume! Oh but wait … your trap worked. You got people close enough to you, the trusted iPhone and as soon as they start manipulating your front side, it’s too late for them. Not only are you an iPhone, you’re a goddamned zombie grabbing your victim and pulling them in towards your life size retina display whilst eating them alive spilling blood all over yourself, in turn voiding your warranty.

Baby Kitteh Zombie: Everybody who has a baby during Halloween needs to dress them up in a cutesy little Elmo outfit, or perhaps a baby sunflower so all their friends and family can koooo and awwwww and MAKE ME SICK !! This year, for those parents who need something a little more … exciting … should choose the Baby Kitteh Zombie costume. Secure that neck biting baby zombie in an adorable little kitteh suit and when friends and family get close to get a closer look … unleash the flesh eating fury of Baby Kitteh Zombie.

Can of Zombie Spam: As much as people pretend that they don’t like SPAM, we all know deep down that the congealed pink meat will always be one of our favorites. It looks like cat food, smells like food and well … It doesn’t matter because we still love it, so much so that we dress up like it for All Hallows Eve. The great thing about this costume is that the love for the pink meat juice is so strong, it’s a natural attractant for a zombie massacre. Not only can you eat the laymen who get too close to your Fancy Feast aura, you can also eat yourself if you are still hungry afterwards.

Zombie Flower: Some ladies just want to look pretty and dainty and delicate and not like a slutty version of something that is usually associated with not slutty traits. But naturally, they still want to be zombies. Our solution: the “Zombie Flower”. The cold hard truth of the matter is that when you pick a flower, you have just commited murder. So that pretty, delicate, dainty thing now wants it’s sweet smelling revenge! I think the costume would come with a bee with it’s skull ripped open, dripping delicious honey comb shaped BEERAINS!

Zombie Ghost: To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how the back story logistics work on this one. What I do know is that the ghost, while formerly a staple of the halloween costume hirearchy, has sort of fallen out of favor in recent years due to the wearer often being beaten savagely in a case of confused racist. So clearly the ghost could use a little costume rehabilitation. And the ghost lends itself to Zombification in a couple ways. First, you only get a ghost if somebody dies. That’s ingredients one through seven of Zombie! So it could either be that the zombie bite not only transforms the flesh, but also infects the SPIRIT and then you’ve got a whole afterlife of souls for the Zombie ghost to hunt and devour! OR perhaps the ghost zombie is the result of an exorcism where a ghost is sort of, kind of killed. So the GHOST comes back to life. OR OR, the result of an exorcism performed by a ZOMBIE PRIEST! Wow, the ghost is kind of kick ass now. You’re welcome ghosts. Now stop haunting everything we own!

Zombie Battery: … ‘Cause batteries die. And, zombies… And… batteries.

“BrAAAins!”

Come on! It’s hilarious if you don’t think about it!

Happy Trick or Treat! Reach way down in that candy bucket to get the best candy! Trust us, you’ll thank us later.

Van Full of Candy's Last Minute Zombified Costume Ideas

Posted on

Halloween has become big business in recent years as adults have stolen away a holiday intended for children to play dress up by scaring parents with tales of abduction and tainted treats to the point where most juvenile trick treating takes place in well lit suburban malls at two in the afternoon on February 9th. In its place a parade of whores in inches of fabric vaguely associated with some sort of  honorable profession, crime fighting, fire fighting, hamburglaring, and guys wearing just enough of a costume to legally grind against those scantilly clad heroes for as long as legally allowed.

Now, we’re not here to pass judgement on this changing of the holiday, because really, no matter what we say is wrong. We’re either endorsing whore fest costumed VD transmittal gatherings or children being used as candy retrieval devices for lazy parents. So whether or not it’s right is irrelivent, what’s important now is that Zombies are in and we want a piece of that multi-trillion dollar costuming pie! Every body wants to be a zombie, but you also want to stand out in the endless horde of flesh eating monsters. And with that in mind Van Full of Candy would like to present our last minute costume ideas, infected with just enough Zombie to make you the life of any undead party!

iPhone Zombie: You want people to touch all your buttons? Well there’s an app for that. Push it here, slide it here, yeah now THAT’s a costume! Oh but wait … your trap worked. You got people close enough to you, the trusted iPhone and as soon as they start manipulating your front side, it’s too late for them. Not only are you an iPhone, you’re a goddamned zombie grabbing your victim and pulling them in towards your life size retina display whilst eating them alive spilling blood all over yourself, in turn voiding your warranty.

Baby Kitteh Zombie: Everybody who has a baby during Halloween needs to dress them up in a cutesy little Elmo outfit, or perhaps a baby sunflower so all their friends and family can koooo and awwwww and MAKE ME SICK !! This year, for those parents who need something a little more … exciting … should choose the Baby Kitteh Zombie costume. Secure that neck biting baby zombie in an adorable little kitteh suit and when friends and family get close to get a closer look … unleash the flesh eating fury of Baby Kitteh Zombie.

Can of Zombie Spam: As much as people pretend that they don’t like SPAM, we all know deep down that the congealed pink meat will always be one of our favorites. It looks like cat food, smells like food and well … It doesn’t matter because we still love it, so much so that we dress up like it for All Hallows Eve. The great thing about this costume is that the love for the pink meat juice is so strong, it’s a natural attractant for a zombie massacre. Not only can you eat the laymen who get too close to your Fancy Feast aura, you can also eat yourself if you are still hungry afterwards.

Zombie Flower: Some ladies just want to look pretty and dainty and delicate and not like a slutty version of something that is usually associated with not slutty traits. But naturally, they still want to be zombies. Our solution: the “Zombie Flower”. The cold hard truth of the matter is that when you pick a flower, you have just commited murder. So that pretty, delicate, dainty thing now wants it’s sweet smelling revenge! I think the costume would come with a bee with it’s skull ripped open, dripping delicious honey comb shaped BEERAINS!

Zombie Ghost: To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how the back story logistics work on this one. What I do know is that the ghost, while formerly a staple of the halloween costume hirearchy, has sort of fallen out of favor in recent years due to the wearer often being beaten savagely in a case of confused racist. So clearly the ghost could use a little costume rehabilitation. And the ghost lends itself to Zombification in a couple ways. First, you only get a ghost if somebody dies. That’s ingredients one through seven of Zombie! So it could either be that the zombie bite not only transforms the flesh, but also infects the SPIRIT and then you’ve got a whole afterlife of souls for the Zombie ghost to hunt and devour! OR perhaps the ghost zombie is the result of an exorcism where a ghost is sort of, kind of killed. So the GHOST comes back to life. OR OR, the result of an exorcism performed by a ZOMBIE PRIEST! Wow, the ghost is kind of kick ass now. You’re welcome ghosts. Now stop haunting everything we own!

Zombie Battery: … ‘Cause batteries die. And, zombies… And… batteries.

“BrAAAins!”

Come on! It’s hilarious if you don’t think about it!

Happy Trick or Treat! Reach way down in that candy bucket to get the best candy! Trust us, you’ll thank us later.