Vibrator

In the Air and Office Chairs: Lady Parts is Everywheres!

Posted on

Hey you, shut up, I have a penis and it demands to be heard!

I am a man, and as such, it is my god given duty to not care about a woman’s pleasure! My divinely given external genitalia are my genetic signal to all of the animal kingdom that I am strong and make fire and am not to be fucked with. Like the tails of lesser animals, my phallus is expressive, so without even having to speak you can know exactly when I am happy or sad, frightened or rapey, simply by looking at my manhood. Mine is to be feared and worshiped at all times, which is why I do not approve of the attention that the frightening, confusing female crotchular region seems to be getting lately.

Now here is something my penis understands...
Now here is something my penis understands...

The in flight movie is the domain of Kevin James and cable repairman themed comedians. These films engage the penis on its own level, while not challenging it with feelings or story or entertainment. The male reproductive organ configuration likes things simple and dumb. Our dong can keep up with that and still split its concentration with rating the physical attractiveness of every female passenger within’ spitting distance, and that makes Mister, Happy.

But in Australia, airplanes are trying to teach people that women can enjoy sex times too.

This filthy propaganda is being carried by Australian airline “Qantas” (which I now understand is Australian for “Vagina”) in the form of a 50 minute French film entitled “The Female Orgasm Explained”. I have long heard of this mythical creature called “The Female Orgasm”, a fantasy concocted by mad sorcerers and damaged explorers returned from insane quests for lost relics. I myself have never been in the same room as one, have you? Of course not! Because we all know that this creation of the liberal media, long a puppet of Big Vagina is about as “real” as a leprechaun riding a unicorn through a field of fresh, spring Clitori… Which I assume is the plural for clitoris, ANOTHER fabrication of the vast Labial Conspiracy!

The film is available on long-haul “Video on Demand” on “The Edge” channel. And while it’s dumb and evil and I hate it, I am also naturally drawn to it. I enjoy science fiction pornography, so this premise intrigues me. And the article says that the film includes “naked scenes” which are my penis’ favorite kind! You see, this is exactly how these animals lure you in. Offering you titillation and groinal excitement, and then delivering their message of hate while your blood flow is diverted away from your brain skull. But I know their tricks, I see through their ploys. Besides, with this being a French film, it’s very unlikely that the nudity will meet my American genital grooming standards.

The flight crew are apparently able, at the request of parents, to block the content to the seats of minors. Which is comforting, because the only thing more frightening than the threat of genital equality is the possibility of future generations being taught that women are capable of sexual pleasure.

But the horrors of female pleasure don’t stop there!

I have always believed that unnecessary sex-tech should be reserved for the appendages of the hairier sex.  If there is a robot capable of repetitive tugging motions, it should be equipped with a soft silicone sleeve and placed in doctor’s offices around the globe. But the people at “Crave” an upstart “adult product” company is trying to introduce plug and play technology to the lady port.

"Put your memory where my mouth is." Slogan idea Crave, you can have that...
"Put your memory where my mouth is." Slogan idea Crave, you can have that...

Their new device, the “Duet” has “four different patterns of vibration, five power levels, and runs almost silently”. Which I don’t understand at all. How complicated are your parts that you need so much trickery and flim flammery to achieve excitism? If this “female orgasm” is such a real, existing thing, why do you need to be able to conduct a vibrational symphony to lure it out of it’s cave? Why can’t you just rub your pelvis up against something sturdy for a couple minutes until you have to change your pants, like a NORMAL person?

And one of its main features is it’s discrete design and silent running. To which I say my bologna has a first name, it’s “Bullshit!” If you want a machine to do your dirty work, it should stand three feet tall and make obscene gestures so that all the world knows what it’s all about. I don’t want to accidentally pick up a rubber paper clip off your desk, completely unaware that until I knocked on your office door your “executive assistant” was buzzing away at your little chairman in the boat in a near infinite number of possible pattern and intensity combinations!

So please, can I just review my report on my plane ride without being bombarded by things explaining the inner working of, or having possibly been recently IN your twat! Just let me just watch “Zookeeper” and ogle the well tanned sleeping student three rows up in peace, vaginas!

VFoC’s Scratch -n- Sniff eBook

Posted on Updated on

The release of our first online eBook has actually happened and we’re pleased to share it with the world today. Van Full of Candy has partnered with technological powerhouse 3M to create the first ever virtual scratch -n- sniff eBook. After years of scientific study we have been able to harness the only ‘LCD touch and smell technology’ that works on all LCD monitors including laptops. What you are about to experience is a scientific breakthrough that we proudly share with the world.
___________________________________
DIRECTIONS:
Center the image on your screen
With the tip of your finger (not your fingernail) gently rub the image for approximately 3 seconds
Put your face as close to the image as possible and take a good sniff*
___________________________________
*If at first you don’t smell anything, repeat the process. (Being that this is the first time you have done this, there is an LCD “break-in period”. Once you get your first image to produce a scent, all other images will work without issue)
Please give us any feedback in the comments section if your smells did not match the images in the eBook. Thank you all for your loyal dedication to our site and for your help in making the scratch -n- sniff eBook the best it can be.
Enjoy!

***************

CAKES

***************

Strawberry cake is oh so yummy, put a whole bunch in  your tummy

Newborn baby is so cute sleepin’, try not to wake him when you eat him

***************

ROSES

***************

Lovely red roses smell devine, on Valentine’s Day they mean “will you be mine?”

Sometimes roses smell like a dirty old man, don’t get too close or you’ll end up in his van

***************

GINGERBREAD

***************

Warm and sweet straight from the oven, gingerbread gingerbread, we’re all lovin’

We really liked this funny ginger … WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIM?!?

***************

FRENCH PERFUME

***************

Mommy likes to wear beautiful perfume, we love how the frangrance fills the room

French whores don’t smell quite as pretty, but for $20 extra you can fondle her titties

***************

LEMONADE

***************

Sweet and sour and icy cold, our favorite summer drink will never get old

Warm and yellow it’s nasty old piss, sometimes it smells like asparagus

***************

CUCUMBER

***************

Garden fresh and crisp and clean, we love them when there very green

Mommy likes cucumbers too, she also has one that’s red and one that’s blue

VFoC's Scratch -n- Sniff eBook

Posted on

The release of our first online eBook has actually happened and we’re pleased to share it with the world today. Van Full of Candy has partnered with technological powerhouse 3M to create the first ever virtual scratch -n- sniff eBook. After years of scientific study we have been able to harness the only ‘LCD touch and smell technology’ that works on all LCD monitors including laptops. What you are about to experience is a scientific breakthrough that we proudly share with the world.
___________________________________
DIRECTIONS:
Center the image on your screen
With the tip of your finger (not your fingernail) gently rub the image for approximately 3 seconds
Put your face as close to the image as possible and take a good sniff*
___________________________________
*If at first you don’t smell anything, repeat the process. (Being that this is the first time you have done this, there is an LCD “break-in period”. Once you get your first image to produce a scent, all other images will work without issue)
Please give us any feedback in the comments section if your smells did not match the images in the eBook. Thank you all for your loyal dedication to our site and for your help in making the scratch -n- sniff eBook the best it can be.
Enjoy!

***************

CAKES

***************

Strawberry cake is oh so yummy, put a whole bunch in  your tummy

Newborn baby is so cute sleepin’, try not to wake him when you eat him

***************

ROSES

***************

Lovely red roses smell devine, on Valentine’s Day they mean “will you be mine?”

Sometimes roses smell like a dirty old man, don’t get too close or you’ll end up in his van

***************

GINGERBREAD

***************

Warm and sweet straight from the oven, gingerbread gingerbread, we’re all lovin’

We really liked this funny ginger … WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO HIM?!?

***************

FRENCH PERFUME

***************

Mommy likes to wear beautiful perfume, we love how the frangrance fills the room

French whores don’t smell quite as pretty, but for $20 extra you can fondle her titties

***************

LEMONADE

***************

Sweet and sour and icy cold, our favorite summer drink will never get old

Warm and yellow it’s nasty old piss, sometimes it smells like asparagus

***************

CUCUMBER

***************

Garden fresh and crisp and clean, we love them when there very green

Mommy likes cucumbers too, she also has one that’s red and one that’s blue