Sometimes you’re either physically incapable, or mentally unable to muster enough strength of will to walk into your local taco-esque food dispensary to retrieve your Mexic-ish snack stuffs. Well fret no longer because the Taco Bell ordering app is coming to your rescue!
Plagued by “menu board anxiety” (their term, not mine) in the drive thru? In a hurry to get your Crunch Wrap fix? Want to use technology to help get Mexicish type food substitutes into your tragically abused digestive system as quickly, accurately and efficiently as possible? Well don’t get your cinnamons in a twist, Taco Bell is about ready to introduce a new system for making your terrible food choices via your smartphone!
“Mobile is the biggest shift in QSR since the drive thru,” Taco Bell’s “mobile lead” Jeff Jenkins told reporters of the “Nation’s Restaurant News”… I kid you not, that’s an actual thing.
And speaking of actual things, you might have wondered (as I did), what the hell QSR was. Well, it apparently stands for “Quick Service Restaurant”. Again, their term. Which roughly translates to “fast food place”. It seems “Speedy Anti-Food Slopitoriums” are spending more time making up new ways to make their illegitimate food product manufacturing sound more important than, you know, making the “food” not taste like a cruel mockery of the ACTUAL food item it’s named after.
As far as the app goes, the system will be so simple that someone who would willingly choose to go to Taco Bell could figure it out. The “taco” enthusiast will paw at their screen until the app is launched, after which “guests are greeted with a message that is tailored to the time of day” which I can only assume means that it will know whether you are waking and baking, or if you’re satisfying your late night munchies. Technology! Based on your GPS location the app then helps users find the “seasoned meat re-heatery” nearest them and shows the prices, hours and directions for said “meal preparatory kitchenesque”. Hey, I think I’m getting the hang of this fast food re-name-inating!
“If you can get 10 million people to download your app,” Mr. Jenkins continued. “You’re putting a portal to Taco Bell in 10 million pockets.”
Which is not wholly dissimilar to the old fashion analogue Taco Bell experience many of us are all too familiar with, in which, if you were unable to get to the facilities fast enough after your meal went screaming through your system, you might wind up opening a Taco Bell portal in another part of your pants.
Ooooh, aren’t you outraged? Of course you are. You want to know why? Because I just said you were. And that’s all it takes. We’re off and running.
You’ve likely never seen my penis, the majority of you have never even had one of your own to never be spoken of. But I just said “penis” in public, and now you feel like you should be uncomfortable? Why? Because that’s what you’re told you’re supposed to feel, so why wouldn’t you?
The Music Television channel, which hasn’t played music for probably almost as long as it HAD played music, knows how to play the free advertising game. Last week they debuted a new regurgitation of yet another British television series, “Skins”. “Skins”, in both incarnations, tells the story of high school kids and their genitalia. Also, that adults are stupid, young people rule the world with an endless string of “fucking” innuendo and the popular kids are doin’ it, right now, as we speak.
Parents hate this kind of shit.
Now, I had entertained the thought of reviewing “Skins” last week, expecting it would be exactly what it was, a horrible, horrible show. Instead I decided to skip it, choosing instead to get my soft core teen nudity and back arching where every other red-blooded American gets it: everywhere else. But then “controversy” and “outrage” began to spring up, so I thought I’d take a little peek, because I enjoy nothing more than what angers idiots.
But you see what you did, you ridiculous protesty busy bodies, you gave a show, that would have otherwise gone unnoticed and disappeared rather unceremoniously, a gigantic buzz that MTV couldn’t have afforded to buy on their own. And you know what? They were counting on it.
Music Television knows what they’re doing, they’ve been at the forefront of pissing you off to make you tell people that they shouldn’t watch something so that they’ll watch it technology for years. This time they just used scantily clad teens (again) and our natural but frowned upon want thereof. Now parents groups are stomping their feet and making fools of themselves, which causes the natural, knee jerk reaction of sponsors, who were COUNTING on people’s want to see scantily clad teens, but are now forced to pretend they had no idea that a show about drug fueled underage humping would somehow involve drug fueled under age humping. The list of sponsors who have now pulled their ads from the show includes Subway, Wrigley, Taco Bell, H & R Block and General Motors, all pretending they agree with you and that this smut they wanted their products to be seen associated with was only supposed to be associated with it as long as you didn’t notice it was associated with it. Of course, these sponsors pulling out (oh the punularity) aren’t going to hurt this show, because MTV has already budgeted for mock outrage, it’s standard on every MTV production ledger.
I’m not a parent myself, nor was I particularly promiscuous in high school, it would even be safe to say that I was very much your best description of the opposite of what ever that thing might be. But I was there and I, like many of you, spent upwards of seven years in my teens, and know that while our experiences may have varied, it was usually understood that at some point, many of us took our new parts for a test drive. The parents behind these groups that want you to believe that Jesus created the penis to be used only once and only to make another smaller version of you and then never be spoken of again. The Parents Television Council is made up almost entirely of former frustrated teens who were excluded from the genital exchange that went on at their schools.
The simple fact of the matter is teens want to put their parts in other teens, it’s biology, it’s what puberty was invented for. It was a way for our bodies to signal to our brains that we are done cooking and are now ready to begin procreation before three fifths of us freeze to death when the sun hides for many moon, or before we’re eaten by a sabre toothed ground squirrel. It’s “civilization” that’s told us that what our bodies know naturally is wrong. So now that we live eight times longer than when we were wearing the all natural fibers of yesterday’s lunch and someone told us an invisible man wags his finger at you when you don’t do it exactly like he likes, we’ve got people telling us we shouldn’t do what kept us alive long enough to have a past that we must now be ashamed of.
Teens want to frolic naked with others no more today than when the first teen was discovered, approximately twelve years after the birth of the first child. Adults have changed. Adults now spend all of their time telling other adults that they should be afraid of every damned thing that exists. You get told something long enough, no matter how stupid, and you’re forced to believe it. So now it’s universally accepted that kids today are having more sex than ever and that we should be protecting them or they might just die from fun. We live in a world where when you give birth to a child, all of your toilets are fitted with locks. It’s not that today’s babies enjoy toilets more than ever, it’s because we just have too damned much time on our hands.
Just know angry parents, that you’ve been played again. It’s not your fault. Well, yes it is, but it’s just so easy. It doesn’t take any creativity to get a small group of people to convince a larger group of people that something they’ve never even seen is super offensive and shouldn’t exist any more. This is just the latest example. And rest assured, it’ll happen again when a channel finds itself in need of quick and dirty publicity and doesn’t care how it gets it (lookin’ at you Spike), and we’ll all be right back here once again, yelling about how we must protect the children all while they’re at home, totally doin’ it in your bed and with your ground up pain killers caking their gums.
Good night perfect parents, where ever you are.