Search engines. They’re imprecise, clumsy and ultimately telling of your inner most wants and desires. Your search history is kind of weird and embarrassing, and I’ll give you the same answer that I gave that flasher who lingered a little longer than necessary: no, you can’t look at mine.
When you have a website, you get a lot of information about that site, including the search terms that led someone to your virtual door step. With that in mind I wanted to share with you some of my favorite search terms of the week that, despite what ever the hell it was they were actually intending to find, led them to our sliding door.
For the week ending 4/10/11:
bimbo horse lamp
I’m not sure if this person was looking for a lamp, shaped like a bimbo horse, or a horse lamp with loose morals, even by animal shaped furniture standards.
student putting finger in teacher’s ass hole
I understand porn, there’s something for everyone out there, but I’m pretty sure nothing that we’ve talked about on this site can be directly traced to this find. I’m certain I’ve never said anything about inserting my finger into anything as a matter of fact, I’m saving that for marriage.
justin bieber has a girl clone
This one seems less like someone searching for something as someone trying desperately to warn the internet of something. It makes sense that you would scream this kind of horror into your nearest search field, but sadly the only response you’ll get if you type that in to Google is a simple “Shhh…” before someone unseen behind you stuffs your head into a burlap sack and you are never heard from again.
Now I understand we did an article with the title “Be at Peace, Sweet Cocks” so I can see how this might come up, but when I saw this I just imagined someone expecting to find a picture of a peace symbol being made by several penises and the disappointment we must have made that poor masturbater feel.
van full of kids
Clearly, what is left when the candy is gone… And speaking of which…
what is steven tyler’s favorite candy
I had never thought about this before, but now it’s all I’ll ever be able to think about again. What could possibly be Steven Tyler’s favorite candy. Yes, he’s a world renowned rock legend, having toured the world a bahundred times over, so initially I thought it would be some sort of Starburst type chewy snack custom made for Mr. Tyler to taste like a sixteen year old’s vagina. But then you have to remember that Mr. Tyler is in his sixties, so it’s probably hard candy… that tastes like a sixteen year old’s vagina.
“milli vanilli” “natalie portman” -steward -kstew -kristen -twilight
I can’t even begin to guess what this person was looking for, but what ever it was, it was a very specific, non-Twilight related connection between Milli Vanilli and Natalie Portman… But why? And how? And… Wha?
Clearly the newest Marvel Super Hero movie scheduled to come out sometime next May.
catch a grenade for you what kind of neighborhood
This one brings up an interesting question. In what type of neighborhood would it be acceptable for someone to 1) own a grenade, or 2) throw, catch and be exploded by said grenade in the name of making your ex feel like a cunt because it’s so clear that she would never be up for the gesture herself… Somewhere in Detroit? Or Arkansas?
ricky martin’s grammy pants
I for one didn’t watch the Grammys, the other guy in here did, so I have no idea how spectacular the trousers encasing Ricky Martin’s homosexual genitalia were, or how worthy of a second look at his sumptuously packaged bits strong enough for a woman, but made for a man were, but someone wanted an eye full, and another eye full.
i scream you scream we all scream for ice cream for global warming
Easily the longest search string and the saddest. Because really, if we’re having an ice cream social for global warming, by the time you’re done saying the name of what you’re doing, you don’t have ice cream any more and you’re wearing a dairy shoe wash.
two dollar bill parking lot molester
Probably my favorite if I had to choose just one, which I don’t, so forget I said that. I’m not sure how to interpret this one. Is it a parking lot that only takes two dollar bills and some guy was rubbing himself up against it? Was it a guy who would pull down his pants in a parking lot and rub the TJ Double Buck on his balls? Or even a guy who would molest someone inside this specific parking lot (or in a rash of parking lot molestations across the city) and when he was done, toss a two dollar bill on his victim as his own personal Joker style calling card? I have no idea, but there’s absolutely nothing I don’t like in this sentence: I love two dollar bills, I am a fan of parking lots, and molester? I barely knew her… but that didn’t stop me from molesting her, is what I’m saying…
The newest and most popular judge on American Idol, who also happens to be the rock-star front man for Aerosmith, Steven Tyler, was unexpectedly asked to leave the show for good after last night’s episode.
Apparently Tyler didn’t realize that he was judging a “singing talent show” which finds America’s best vocal talent who are then exploited to record labels to shove half-hearted pop tunes down our throat for the almighty dollar. No. He actually thought that the show was a cross between ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘Rock of Love’ with Brett Michaels, and that he was there to pick one of the girls to be his next wife based on her singing abilities and hot, young, tight little body.
The truth about Steven’s confusion was made clear last night after the show when one of the producers heard him saying that he really thinks the “smokin’ little bam-bam Easter blondie with an ass for bouncin’ quarters off of” is going to be his pick, but only if she’s a good cook and doesn’t mind fashioning feathers to roach-clips for putting in his hair. This then raised the question: “What show do you think you’re on Mr. Tyler?”
Steven Tyler is a 63 year old man, no make that, mega-man, who has spent the majority of his badass controversial life rockin’ his balls to the walls with years of alcohol and drug use and still looks pretty damn good. Which to that might I say, BRAVO to you Mr. Tyler, BRAVO! Now for a normal 63 year old man to be confused about normal, everyday things such as “which one is the brake and which one is the gas?” is something that is accepted and then quickly forgotten about unless said old man runs his car into dozens of innocent pedestrians. But for Tyler, let’s couple his age with the scientific estimate of approximately 80% brain cell loss due to week long hotel smashings with Jack Daniels binges and drug induced orgies that would put Charlie Sheen to shame, his confusion as to what he was actually doing on the show makes perfect sense. So let’s not jump into the judging game quite so fast people. Give this man a freakin’ break, he could be your grandfather for Heaven’s sake.
“When a girl dresses all hoochie-coochie and shakes that money maker in front of me, I just assume she wants to get married and have babies”, said Tyler. “I also thought the other group of ugly bearded girls with deep voices was the pot which Randy Jackson got to pick from. Sorry for the confusion America, ROCK ON!!”
No Steven Tyler, YOU rock on!!