Coffee Can Suck It … I'm Huffing My Caffeine !!

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Let’s be honest with ourselves, coffee tastes like shit! But that black liquid crack ass drink can be doctored up enough with 4 or 5 Splenda, 1/4 cup of half & half, a little cinnamon on top and BAMMM!! Something tolerable. But then you really need to take into consideration all the time and preparation it takes to get your fix to that point of consumption.

First, if you don’t have a coffee maker in your nasty little apartment, you’ll need to venture out into the world. Yes that’s right, that horrible place where people are, and they judge, you KNOW they judge, especially those snobs at Peet’s and Starbucks. Who the F do they think they are, record store workers? And don’t even get me started on those bitches!! Next you’ll need to walk, bike or drive to said coffee place, and that’s never fun because to get to that point you have to get dressed enough to not be arrested for public indecency. Then the wait! Oh that goddamned wait in line can take up to 3 or 4 minutes sometimes, and we all know we don’t have the time, patience or energy for that shit. I suppose you COULD do a drive-thru, but are there really any Starbuck’s drive-thru’s when you need one? No. The only ones you ever see are about 7 minutes after you’ve had your coffee, or a McDonald’s trying to trick you into drinking their coffee made out of corn. EFF!! And lets not mention the $3.47 price tag for said drink of choice.

Those days are finally over people. Let us rejoice in the newly found brilliance brought to us by the fine people at Aeroshot Energy. These brilliant people have put together some coffee sorcery and created a shotgun shell full of instant pizzazz. You take this bullet of happiness, put it in your mouth, and inhale. Instant cup of coffee in your lungs. YES! Breathe it all on in kiddy’s. And the icing on the cake? No calories. Yeah, nada, zip, zilch. So you can now live like a complete guilt free wired beyond comprehension recluse.

She is SO excited for happiness in her mouth!

Would You Like Some Honey in Your Panda Shit Tea?

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Yeah, right there, you know you want it !!

Yesterday, VFoC’s own Jesse J. wrote about China and how they’re completely out of control and making us literally shit our pants. Funny he should say SHIT (I could be paraphrasing), because that’s what China is doing to us, YET AGAIN, today. Not only are WE shitting our pants, but the crazy muthafukkin Chinese, well one professor An Yashi to be specific, is collecting cute little panda poopoos and making it into the world’s “most expensive tea”. Ok, I’m very sorry dear delicate reader, I know this isn’t the kind of thing you want to wander over to our website and read on a Wednesday evening, but know this, when you leave our website you’ll be just a little bit more hardened to the real world, the world out there that skirts around issues and makes things bubblegum and candydrops. So continue reading and become an outraged, dreamless drifter like we here at VFoC have become.

Chocolate cake with chocolate frosting please !!

Not long ago, I read a story about some Japanese scientist making nutritious steakstuff out of human poop. Now granted, Japan and China are two different entitites, but they’re kinda the same, you know. Which leads me to the question, “What in the hell is your fascination with fecal matter you Asians?”. First you want to pretend it’s Play-Doh and run it through the Fun Time Play-Doh Meat Factory Playset making tri-tip and filet mignon and now you want to shovel up some of Kung Fu Panda’s finest from the zoo, dry it, shove it in a fine gossamer mesh pyramid tea bag that allows top-quality panda nuggets to reach their full potential, unfurl, and expand for an even and flavor-rich infusion, and then have Teavana sell it to us at the mall? And on top of it all you greedy shit collectors want to sell it at $40,000/lb. ?? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO YOU GREEDY SHIT PEOPLE??

Look, I’m not a drug dealer, nor do I know how much drugs cost out there on the street

The latest tea kiosk at the mall

market, but I could venture to guess that I could buy enough blow for $40,000 to get at least a dozen pandas straight jacked out of their gourd and shit directly into my glass of hot boiling water and collect the rest of the other 11’s droppings for many a long cold winter night for years to come. So, my hats off to you for your entrepreneurial endeavor, but let’s get real Chinese tea guy, if people want a hot steamy cup of brown liquid that resembles panda dookie, they could just as easily run over to Starbuck’s and save $39,990.

iPad 2 Features Revealed

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Gather ye multitudes and bear witness to the second coming
The Apple rumor mill is in full swing this week with rumors of the new iPad. Lucky for you, Van Full of Candy is always on the bleeding edge of technological scuttlebutt. We are forever privy to insider information and are always in the VIP sections of all computer’y thingy’s related soirees where hundreds of geeks gather for the cyberworld heavens to open and bestow upon us the latest gadgetry in which we shall giggle uncontrollably, then give our paycheck offerings to the black, mock turtleneck swaddled deity, Steve “Immanuel” Jobs.
The announcement for the new iPad 2 will be announced next Wednesday to the press, as seen from the invitation that we just recently received above. However, Van Full of Candy got a special “secret SECOND invitation” as well, one that Mashable didn’t even receive. One that let us actually play with the new electronic Etch A Sketch yesterday, and although we signed a non-disclosure agreement, we just can’t keep this gizmo’s deliciousness from our loyal fans. Aside from the mundane, normal features that everybody is expecting, like two cameras, or bigger speakers, and cool new holes for plugging things into it, here are the REAL upgrades that nobody was expecting from the soon to be released iPad 2.

The resolution is making me cry

Real Retina Display – In an ever increasing race for unmatchable clarity in handheld devices, Apple has found the ultimate retina display available. The eye of a whale. The dimensions of a whale’s eye is coincidentally the exact size of the iPad 2 which makes for a perfect display. We found that the wet, slimy screen was a little hard to get used to, but God the clarity is so worth it.
Quick Porn Invisibility Mode – If you’ve ever been browsing the
If only the sound would have stopped too
underbelly of the internets, you’ve probably come across a website or two that might borderline on the NSFW variety. Well now those “getting caught porn handed” days are over. The new iPad 2 has an infrared sensor that turns the whole damn thing invisible when anybody gets within 6 feet of you when you’re browsing porn. Brilliant! In our tests, we found that this mode works well with hiding the embarrassment of browsing as well.

What luck that his last name was Shrinker

Built In Professional Espresso Maker – In an agreement between Apple and Starbucks, a full blown effort to rid coffee shops of these techy-caffeine-junkies who set up shop in your local Starbuck’s has been put in place. The two megapowers put their zillion dollar budgets together to create the smallest, professional grade espresso maker that will fit in the iPad 2. The La Marzocco FB/80 Semi professional espresso maker has been created by the Dr. Shrinker shrink ray which Jobs acquired once the show was cancelled. The 64GB version comes with an actual barista.

Next year we'll have one for the bathroom

Doorstop Mode – In an effort to be more sustainable and keep their devices out of landfills around the world, Apple has smartly introduced the doorstop mode. Once you purchase your iPad 2, an App will install automatically about 364 days after the purchase, the exact day your device will become obsolete with the new iPad 3. When you press the Doorstop Mode App icon, the iPad 2 will then fold into a wedge shaped doorstop. Voila! Your doors stay open and you just saved another whale, which Apple will then kill to make two more iPad 3’s. The circle of life.
Me: 1 - Whales: 0