science

Mars’ Bio Station Alpha: Confirmation by Denial

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There is a secret government space station, manned by a co-operative team of humans, aliens and human alien hybrids working together for no doubt nefarious purposes as we speak… on the surface of Mars! How do I know with absolute, unwavering, blind certainty that the crazy thing that I just said is the only pure, true fact in the entire world? Because someone else said it isn’t.

I don’t internet much. Most of the time you can find me by my butter churn or smelting furnace, whittling a squirrel out of a slightly larger squirrel. But apparently a member of my quilting squad tells me that there’s something called a YourTube which has a video going around right now in which “armchair astronaut” and hero of the human race, David Martines, exposes to the world a shocking discovery he made on one of his internet machines. And I tell you what, it was enough to make me drop my home spun wisdom spinner into my aw shucks bag like a ribble at a rabble rally. 

… yee haw…

Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.
Either that's a Mars base, or I got really excited by the idea that might be a Mars base.

So if you felt the very fabric of space and time shudder and whip around like a crank addled lemur a couple days ago, that was apparently when David warned infinity about his brain raping find: “Bio Station Alpha”. Clocking in at a wildly guessed at 700 feet long and 150 feet wide, this Martian base was discovered after a painstaking, exhausted “quite by accident” by Mr. Martines as he was diligently perusing Google Mars when he likely should have been doing something more important. Naturally after finding this tiny white pixellated smudge, David came to the only logical conclusion, that this was an artificial structure that that either currently or recently housed inhabitants of a secret nature.

But the powers that be are already working on damage control, sending out their first wave of “experts”, in the personage of Alfred McEwen, a “planetary geologist at the Lunar and Planetary Lab at the University of Arizona and the director of the Planetary Imaging Research Laboratory” and “principal investigator of the High Resolution Imaging Science Experiment (HiRISE)”, a “powerful telescope” supposedly “currently “orbiting “Mars”””.

Like any of those things are real things. The only people with titles that long are made up vaguely sciency flim flammerists that the United States government dresses up in CVS photo mat lab coats to try to throw true, trail blazing space cops off the trail of something so big, so important, that it could kill your face off to know the true truth of it all.

But this “expert” CLAIMS that Bio Station Alpha, the very real and factual Martian habitat recorded on space film for the world to see by the Googles, is actually just a glitch in the image cause by “cosmic energy”. What the bullshit is that fucksense?! They’re not even trying with this! If you’re going to call me and Martines, two true believers in Bio Stations Alpha through Epsilon, crazy, then you need to counter with an explanation at least somewhat less crazy than our own!

“It looks like a linear streak artifact produced by a cosmic ray,” said Alfred McEwen, fake science credential collector.

Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha
Pictured, from left to right: Bio Station Alpha

To which I can only respond, “No, it doesn’t look like a cosmic ray, comic book scientist. It looks like a god damned secret government space station on the surface of the cold red planet Mars and you’re making yourself and your made up profession sound ridiculous!” If what this space camera caught on its space film was “cosmic rays” then how come it didn’t turn into a stretchy, invisible, on fire rock camera?

It didn’t did it? Did it? Because that would be an awesome space camera. I’m going to assume it didn’t because that best helps my argument. Cosmic rays? Doom says pah!

So the only logical, rational, reasonable explanation for this clump of pixels is that the government is now trying to cover up their secret extra terrestrial agenda. Of course experts are denying the existence of Bio Station Alpha. You know what else they deny exists? Area 51. According to our own peaceful, trustful government, Area 51 doesn’t exist. Just like Bio Station Alpha. So, therefor and to wit: if we are told that Area 51 doesn’t exist, but it does, then Bio Station Alpha must also exist since we’re told it doesn’t! Don’t you get it! You can’t even begin to understand just how deep the rabbit hole goes! It goes all the way down to the rabbit home, filled with all of the modern luxuries of an anthropomorphic wise cracking rabbit, which experts will also tell you don’t exist, but I have film evidence dating back to the 40s that calls them a god damned liar!

In the end what it comes down to is this: there is a space station on Mars. You can say there isn’t, but I can say there is, and since I said there is first, it’s up to you to prove definitively, beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is not now, nor has there ever been a life sustaining research facility on the surface of Mars. Just the same way that it is now up to the governments of the world to prove that there isn’t a space camera orbiting the Earth with the combined powers of the Fantastic Four.  Until then, the plain and simple fact of the matter is that thing that I just made up exists now too and no matter how much you try to tell me logically how it doesn’t, you can’t prove that there’s not a lab somewhere in Eastern Montana growing more of these super cameras to enslave the human race as we speak.

Ball’s in your court science.

Science: Making the Impossible still more Impossibler

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"Our chins are leaking science! Run away from us!"
"Our chins are leaking science! Run away from us!"

I’m a scientist. And you know what? So are you.

You see, the heavy lifting of being a scientist isn’t in proving something as fact, most science isn’t fact. Or in discovering something new, you know how hard that shit is? Most of the stuff around you’s probably been discovered by somebody already. No, what apparently makes a scientist scientisty, is the ability to come up with things that could never exist, using elements that they have not yet discovered, to say how neat it would be if everything they were making up could actually happen. SCIENCE!

Last week, scientists working on the Large Hadron Collider (not to be confused with all of those other Hadron Colliders out there, being worked on by what those of us in the scientific community like to call “fucking retards”), apparently bored with smashing sub atomic particles together in an attempt to tear the very fabric of reality apart (in theory) got to thinking. In sciencing, you get a lot of time to think. Mostly because the majority of the time you spend doing science is just in proving the stupid ass thing you thought of last time was stupid and pointless. Science is failure, subsidized.

So the people trying to make black holes in Switzerland theorized that they could potentially use the Hadron Collider to send a particle, a Higgs singlet, back in time. It is believed that the Higgs singlet may have the ability to “jump” out of our mundane, limited, four dimensional existence and into a “hidden” dimension that some advanced physics models believes to “exist” and that by traveling through this “hidden” “dimension” they could then “jump” back into our own at a point “forward” or “backward” in what we “perceive” as “time”. ” ”

Isn’t that fantasmical? Isn’t that astoundishing? Isn’t that completely made up and entirely dependent upon a particle that doesn’t even exist? Yes… SCIENCE!

There is no Higgs boson, and as such, no Higgs singlet. Discovering this Higgs boson was apparently one of the main reasons they built the Hadron Collider in the first place. So scientaints are already moving on to the next cool thing that they’ll be able to do with the thing that their big crazy machine was built to discover before their big crazy machine has even discovered it. Which basically equates to me saying that I am going to use all of those ghost vaginas that my ghost vagina factory discovers to travel to the year eight billion where the ghost vagina will probably be the most valuable commodity in all of what’s left of Earth III, the planet of the cyber undead… as soon as my ghost vagina factory discovers that ghost vaginas do in fact exist like I’ve been saying all along.

“Our theory is a long shot, but it doesn’t violate any laws of physics…” one of the scientinals said, which I suppose is technically true. Making up things that don’t exist to fit into a theory that depends entirely on something that doesn’t exist does not violate any laws of physics that I know of. It does however violate most known laws of logic and sense.

“One of the attractive things about this approach to time travel is that it avoids all the big paradoxes,” he continued, oblivious to the fact that he was still talking about his Star Trek fan fiction to people that weren’t inside his head. “Because time travel is limited to these special particles, it is not possible for a man to travel back in time and murder one of his parents before he himself is born, for example. However, if scientists could control the production of Higgs singlets, they might be able to send messages to the past or future.”

Of course this narrow minded fool never takes into account the very real (hypothetical) possibility that one of these particles, driven mad by its travel across very real (entirely made up) extradimensional planes could then arrive at its past destination, its important future missive long forgotten in that blink of an eye that seemed like seven eternities, and replaced instead by a single command, “Murder Lance Armstrong”. Impossible? Nothing is impossible with the power of imagination, and untethered insanity!

Unfortunately, the one miniscule sticking point that the entire plan hangs up on is that they haven’t yet discovered the thing that they think they might possibly be able to send back in time. A minor thing I know. But these brave men and other men are not deterred by the fact that their big metal circle has yet to discover even one tiny time travel capable ghost vagina. I’m sure, in fact, that they believe because they haven’t found it yet, that means beyond a doubt that it exists. That’s how these people think.

I myself am currently hard at work on a paper that suggests that a pride of miniature dinosaurs made of velcro, spinning at the center of the universe since before time had a name, are the entire reason that the AFL succeeded where the USFL failed, despite the USFL not having debuted until thirteen years after the AFL/NFL merger. You see, my theory, which I will heretofore refer to simply as “Fact Prime”, is that the USFL’s failure reverberated back through time, bouncing off of the soft side of the galactic center Stegasaurus’ back plates and into the head of New York Jets Quarterback and pantyhose model Joe Willie Namath, thus propelling his football club to victories in Super Bowls III, IV and VII. Pieces of this errant history were later corrected by Terry Bradshaw and his Time Stealers. Terry and trusted lieutenants Bo Jackson, Richard Dent and Ray Nitschke restored as much of the original balance of the timeline as they could before Chrono Emperor John Elway could detect their meddlings…

And until someone can prove that all of that DIDN’T happen exactly as I have described, I am right.

Murder Lance Armstrong!
Murder Lance Armstrong!

Science Is Dumb

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You haven’t died from Polio, and through the miracle of modern technology, that bowling trophy’s broken arm was safely rescued from deep within my “fun house”. But aside from that, what has science done for any of us?  For every life saving vaccine or highly specialized rectal jaws of life that science accidentally discovers, there are a bahundred other studies on the effectiveness of aromatherapy on the recently dead, 30,000 different pee pee don’t work pills or the twisted race to see how many human eyelids science can grow on the back of a mouse. Really, most of science is just fucking with mice.

Last week science descended from its floating sky fortress on a hover board powered by screaming insanity to deliver unto us their recent findings. Among them were (and I am making none of these up) that women’s tears make men less sexually aroused, proof of the existence of ESP and that humans first started wearing clothes about 170,000 years ago. Most scientific discovery is like a Christmas sweater with no arm holes from a relative that you barely know. Thanks science, now what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?

So hot... But science says no.
So hot... But science says no.

Israeli researchers published a study in which they presented men with a jar containing tears collected from women who had watched a sad movie and discovered that the men who sniffed the tear jar were less likely to find photographs of women attractive. This is the kind of thing that normal people just kind of understand but that science just has to do anyway. If anyone who didn’t own a long white coat said, “I wish to collect the tears of weeping maidens! Deliver to me my cleanest specimen jar and my Blu-Ray copy of the extended extra weepy directors cut of ‘Beaches’ this instant!” they would immediately become a person of interest in more than three hundred currently ongoing sex crime investigations. But if scienceologists want to make someone cry to prove that boners hate that, they get trucks full of money backed up to their money door. I don’t think it’s really any secret that it’s hard for most to maintain an errection in the presence of a crying woman; that’s the precise reason why my professional rapism career was cut so tragically and prematurely short.

Occasionally science likes to fuck with other science. It’s like when the french horn player in the high school marching band steals the star mathelete’s lucky protractor. Sure, it’s funny, but there are no winners there. Every once in a while someone will publish a paper saying that there is strong evidence linking wishes to the disappearance of the purple footed polar snow lizard or how the sky is always on fire until someone looks up, just to see if anyone is paying attention. Then everyone loses their shit at how preposterous these findings are because everyone knows that the purple footed polar snow lizard’s extinction was a direct result of their own gross mismanagement of the tides. So when a study presenting “strong evidence” of ESP is published in a “well respected” scientific journal I assume it’s President Science sending up a crazy balloon just to see who’ll look up and proclaim that the balloon is standing perfectly still and that the planet is in fact, slowly backing away from it.

What I enjoy most about science and scienceers. is their zealously religious belief that all that they know and understand is all that there is to know and understand. Now, I’m not saying that ESP is real, but I’m at least open to the idea that anything’s possible, you know, like science used to be. But any time someone suggests something new, science will yell and cry about how this thing is impossible and how preposterous this new idea is, until it’s proven correct, at which point this new truth is then protected from future heresy. Olden time scientographers believed completely that the world was flat and that the edge was protected by space dragons who would gobble your ship up whole to keep you from bumping into the hole punched velvet curtain of the night sky until someone went out there and to their surprise didn’t find a single dragon; or so history book writers would have you believe!

These little perverts saw your grandpa naked!
These little perverts saw your grandpa naked!

Then there are “discoveries” that really do nothing for anyone and are just important to people who specialize in the publication of books never meant to be read. One such new study, FOLLOWING THE EVOLUTION OF LICE, suggests that head lice evolved into clothing or body lice approximately 170,000 years ago suggesting that humans began wearing clothes after the second to last ice age. Science, why are you studying the evolution of lice? Do you know something you’re not telling us? And why do we need to know exactly when our ancestors developed to ability to be ashamed of their bodies?

Don’t you understand what you’ve done science? Being a long-standing opponent of clothing, you have only served to aide me in my never-ending quest for the over throw of the textile oppression. I now have the exact (approximate) co-ordinates to set my time machine (when you accidentally invent one while trying to create a box that more efficiently extracts sorrow tears) and stop my monkey uncles from first covering their cave balls in shame. Of course that will probably lead to them freezing to death in the LAST ice age, making me less chronologically viable than a stupid tide neglecting snow lizard, but at least it would kill science with me, which would serve it right.

Way to go science, now get back to me when you’ve cloned another pig uterus for no damned good reason.