Saxophone

Guys Hate Valentine's Day (Whitney Houston Style)

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The official day of love, as told to us by a major greeting card corporation, comes once a year and here we are standing three people deep in an aisle of pink picked over rectangles. We stand there with glazed over eyes, a smidge of drool forming in the corner of our mouths, hoping that there is more than a “Love You Mom” left over. Why must we be reduced to this Hallmark? Is this some sort of sick ass joke?

Well, we’re not gonna take it anymore! Men! Unite! Say NO! to Valentine’s Day!!

An Open Letter To Katy Perry & Kenny G : Last Friday Night

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Don't worry, I'll get those uncomfortable bottoms off of you soon enough!

Dear Super-Hott Katy Perry & That Spiral Permed Douchebag Kenny G.:

I was so fuckin’ pissed quite disappointed today when I finally got to see your new, super perky, bubble-gum 80’s themed music video “Last Friday Night”. Now don’t get me wrong, there was absolutely NOTHING you did personally wrong Katy, I mean, you were so pettable in your little day-glo outfit which made you look like a smokin’-hot bottle of Maybelline Great Lash Mascara, and that headgear, good god yummy potaotes girl! And please understand that I wasn’t disappointed with your ever pleasing tonal qualities with just a little hint of sex-growl at the end of each stanza that makes me feel you’re singing sweet-nothing’s in my ear, and my ear alone. No, none of that. Here’s how you completely crushed my utter soul you bitch hurt my extra brittle feelings today Katy. You chose Kenneth Bruce Gorelick, or better known as his stage name: Kenny G., over me! That dude is done! Time to cut your hair loverboy, sometimes you just have to know when to snip the ponytail and donate it to Locks of Love you selfish sax blower. EFFFFFFF !!!

Did you not see my audition video? I brought the new noise, I brought the cutting-edge-sexy-sounding-sax-sauce, and I slopped it all over your BBQ! Maybe your agent didn’t get it in time? That must be what it is, I just know it, because how could you ever pick a mopped-top-skeleton to blow the brass love instrument, when he isn’t even as close to being as talented as I? Sure, that must be it … there’s no other explanation. God, I just want to smack those braces straight out your head I feel so crushed, but now that I’ve talked it out loud to myself, I’m feeling much better. I mean sure, he’s been around a long time, and yeah he might be somewhat of an icon, and maybe he can blow a note for 45 minutes straight which got him in the Guinness Book of World Records, but he’s definitely no Clarence Clemons who just recently passed, God Rest His Soul … or me for that matter. Didn’t you notice during the filming of the video how “Uncle Kenny” annoyingly blows out the right side of his mouth? Yuck! It’s so nasty! It’s like he’s playing it the way Sherlock Holmes would smoke his pipe, almost like he does it so he can sip his prune juice on the other side, or maybe eat a sandwich without ever having to stop, or like he’s suffered a stroke but just won’t quit … YOU FUCKING WEIRDO KENNY G!!

Anyway Katy, that’s about all I  have to say about this, so when you’re ready to get some serious sax action all up in your business in your next music video, give me a call, check out my audition again because I’m sure there’s plenty of impressive material in there that will make you all soppin’ wet want to cast me. Hope to hear from you soon, and just in case you lost the link to my audition video, here it is … LINK-TO-BAD-ASS-SAX-BOY

I will forever love you, Hope to hear from you soon,

Jason

Introducing … The Audition Guy !! [VIDEO]

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When you work hard and put in your time, good things usually happen to you. Here at Van Full of Candy we have a really dedicated young man who really, really wants to make it big time in the entertaiment world in any way shape or form that they’ll take him. You may remember him from certain auditions like the Charlie Sheen Intern audition or maybe his attempt to become the AFLAC Duck voice. Well his super intense persistence to his craft has landed him his very own “show” here in our van. So without further ado … well … here ya go …

VFoC Video — "Introducing … The Audition Guy!!"

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When you work hard and put in your time, good things usually happen to you. Here at Van Full of Candy we have a really dedicated young man who really, really wants to make it big time in the entertaiment world in any way shape or form that they’ll take him. You may remember him from certain auditions like the Charlie Sheen Intern audition or maybe his attempt to become the AFLAC Duck voice. Well his super intense persistence to his craft has landed him his very own “show” here in our van. So without further ado … well … here ya go …