RealDoll : Necrophilia Edition

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In the modern world of online dating, and the availability of “adult services” all over the internet, one would think that hookin’ up with someone shouldn’t be too difficult. There are so many ways to go out and find yourself a live warm one to take home with you, and whether that leads to 1st Base action and a kiss on the cheek goodnight, or slammin’ a homerun with two hookers dressed like characters from Hogan’s Heroes feeding you sushi rolls with their baby-oiled feet, there are unlimited numbers of ways to make it happen. Craigslist.

Wearing the Hitler stache is gonna cost you extra

You want it, there’s a website for your favorite flavor, and for the right price, it’s yours. Hell, you could even take yourself a shower, put on some big boy/girl clothes and go to a bar, get yourself and a willing participant liquored up and hey, the world is your oyster (on the half shell) ((Aphrodisiac reference, kinda fits)).

So when I read a story about a Russian guy in Russia (is it even Russia anymore?) who was caught with 29 female corpses in his house that he dug up from various cemeteries over the last year, and then dressed them up like dolls, the only question that immediately jumped into my mind was … “Where in the hell did they all sit?”. I mean I’ve got room for about 5 or 6 people on the couch and various chairs, MAYBE 8 or 9 if I use the dining room chairs, and the 4 or 5 people who sit on the floor, I’m good for a strong 13 people max. But 29? That’s a freakin’ wedding reception, I’d have to rent a hall, white plastic chairs, tables, linen and obviously a DJ to entertain those freeloaders.

I don't need no stinkin' drinks ... let's get NASTY !!

Then the second question races in … “Did you get anyone to help?”. Seriously, that’s a lot of labor. Scoping out the cemetery, learning the timing of security, groundskeepers, foot traffic, road traffic, lighting, digging, lifting, cleaning up afterwards, driving them home, hauling them inside without anybody seeing, dressing them like a Madame Alexander, propping them up, making sure they’re comfy. AND THAT’S JUST ONE !!! Now go and repeat that craziness another 28 times? No thank you. I remember how hard it was just to go into my own backyard and pick up dog shit with a hand trowel and a plastic grocery bag.

So hats off to you Anatoly Moskvin, that is some serious dedication and devotion to never being lonely. And it just goes to show that not everybody needs a computer, a website and a credit card to find Mr. or Mrs. Right, just a sturdy shovel and a little bit of elbow grease … just like how our great-grandparents used to do it.

4 Foot Vajayjay On Marilyn Monroe Sculpture (Porno Edition)

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All I need is a ladder and I can get my carkeys.

So this weekend was big for the former actress known as Marilyn Monroe. Not only did the classy city of Chicago erect a 27 foot “upskirt” statue of Marilyn in her “Seven Year Itch” pose, a six minute pornographic film shot in 1946 or 1947 has surfaced with Marilyn Monroe in it. Now this is quite a bit of smut to take in so fast, all at once, but let’s just take a deep breath and gaze it over shall we?

Lets start with the statue. A voyeur’s wet dream come true, out in the wide open public with panties on full display. Where one could just lie down underneath Marilyn’s cooch and go at it until it fell off. I would think that any teenage boy going through puberty couldn’t get within two blocks of it without their divining rod going apeshit. I’d be curious to know the percentage increase in public indecency tickets and/or how many children are conceived during July 2011 in Chicago.

Are you hungry for a bedtime snack?

Now let’s focus on the good stuff, porn. As if a 3 story RealDoll wasn’t enough for one blog post. So apparently when Marilyn Monroe wasn’t Marilyn Monroe, and she was still Norma Jean Mortenson, she made a little 6 minute naughty-naughty movie. The lucky dude who has the original 8mm tape is getting ready to sell it at auction, and the estimate will be over $1 million. Man, for just 6 minutes of silent black and white film? A million bucks?!? Do you not realize how much poon you can get for that, not to mention lap dances and HD full color erotica? But I suppose if you have a mill to drop on 6 mins of unconfirmed Monroe porn, then you probably have a budget setup for the other stuff too.

So thank you Marilyn, or Norma Jean or whatever your porn name was back in the 40’s, thank you for continued legacy of men getting off on your image. And now to quote the great Elton John song about you …

Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name

Sounds like a porno to me … good luck bidders !!