President

Sarah Palin: Professional Grifter

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It used to be that a huckster would rumble into town in a brightly colored wagon emblazoned with grandiose hyperbole about their stature and abilities. And the townsfolk, how they would flock to this charismatic charlatan, selling them something they thought they wanted, taking their “donations” for the promise of a better life and happier tomorrow. Then they would leave quietly in the night and the next morning the people would wake up, wonder who that wild eyed caricature was, why they were there, and why they got so excited about it.

It’s nice to see that some things never change.

Round and round! What comes around goes around! I'll tell you why!
Round and round! What comes around goes around! I'll tell you why!

Internet personality and reality television subject Sarah Palin is currently cris-crossing the country, a trail of “reporters”, whom she supposedly openly despises, clinging to her ass, unsure why they’re following her, but knowing if they don’t someone else will and people will watch them instead. No express purpose has been given for this continental wander, other than to see the great history spots of this fine country place. If this were a simple sight seeing trip with the family, exploring the many wonders that this land has to offer, it wouldn’t require a tour bus with the subtlety of the bass player for Ratt fucking a groupie with a can of hairspray on a pile of tour shirts. What we do know is that she’s not running for office, she’s not promoting a movie, she’s not really contributing anything to anything in any way measurable. What she does seem to be doing though, is taking an expensive independent study 6th grade Social Studies class with all of the money that people give her because… I don’t know why.

Sarah Palin isn’t going to run for President. Why would she want to? Being President would mean responsibility and accountability and a significant pay cut. So instead she’s going to explore the possibilities, and search the belly fires, listen to what her imaginary sky monster tells her to do, and hem and haw and maybe and could be and if you’re really Americany I just might, you know, for you. Because as soon as she says she’s running, she can’t spend her donation money on family vacations, so where’s the up side? Being the leader of the free world? Who needs the headache? 

Anyone's listening to you because...?
Anyone's listening to you because...?

The truth is that she doesn’t want to be President. Who the fuck would anymore? Hell, she didn’t want to be Governor of Alaska, where your only real responsibility is not freezing to death or accidentally eating one or more of your children to survive. What Sarah Palin wants is to be famous. She wants to be rich. She wants to have no responsibility, and be able to, almost expected to, reflexively, instinctively criticize and insinuate and insult, all while deflecting, offering no actual solutions or ideas of any kind and attacking anyone who would ever call her on any of her shit. It’s easier to prey on the fears of middle America and talk about what’s perceived to be wrong, than to say how to fix it and make actual things actually happen, actually.

So instead of offering anything of substance she shills bottles of Auntie Sarah’s Americana Super Tonic Elixir! Good for all what ails ya! For all the REAL Americans. The hockey grizzly moms! The helicopter borne shooters of things! The lockers, the reloaders! Because God put that oil in the ground for America so we should go get it!

Tired of radical muslim extremist socialist Presidents pallin’ around with terrorists? Just get yourself a bottle of good ol’ Auntie Sarah’s Americana Super Tonic Elixir! Tired of the lame stream media covering your every move just like you want them to so long as they don’t try to ask you about your opinions or twist your words by playing them back exactly as you said them?

With Auntie Sarah’s Americana Super Tonic Elixir you’ll finally be able to see exactly what’s wrong with America without the hassle of actually offering any ways to solve them, while simultaneously being able to attack anyone who ever questions the inherent greatness and superiority of this most perfect of nations given by lord Jesus McAwesome to the world as a beacon of light and freedom! These, the single 50 greatest United States of the Americas!

So step right up, no pushin’ folks, there’s no risk of missin’ this show! Be amazed, be astounded, be disgusted and revolted by the Arctic Media Monster! The Sad, Inconceivable, Shameless Thing That Won’t Go Away! The Incredible, Astonishing, Spectacular Neverdent of the United States of Real America! Sarah Palin: Professional Grifter!

Obama’s Birth Certificate Found In a Van Full of Candy

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Here it is, now go back to being unemployed

Hey everyone, wow, we’re really sorry that this whole Obama/birth certificate thing got so way out of freakin’ control. We forgot that it was in the back of our van the whole time. Whoopsie right?? Silly us, we totally forgot that on one of our last roadtrips, Obama had it in his wallet and let us frame it. So we hung it inside the van so it would be “Officially Presidential”, like Air Force One, meaning we wouldn’t have to pay when crossing toll-bridges or when using parking garages. IT WAS AWESOME! And don’t forget that all the drive-thru food we could eat WAS FREE!! FREE G’DAMNIT!! So maybe when I say … forgot … maybe I meant … didn’t want to tell anyone. Well crap, would you? You know how much money I’ve saved over the last few months since this whole “prove you’re American” thing came out? Well I’d have to say it’s been WAY over $250. That’s a lot of Big Macs.

Here’s what I can’t quite wrap my little nugget around: When I had to renew my drivers license down at the good ol’ friendly DMV, I had to prove up and down with all kinds of documents and fingerprints and photos and fluids from places and a letter of recommendation from my 1st grade teacher and then had to recite the Cub Scout Promise while standing on a chair. Holy frakin’ shit! All of this just to renew a drivers license that I already had because I had previously aleady proved my citizenial worthiness? I can’t even IMAGINE how difficult it would be to become the Holy Ambassador to these United Lines on a Map. I mean seriously! I’m sure he had to show a birth certificate to get student loans at Harvard Law right? To get married, when his book was published, to be elected into the Senate, to say “hey I’m running for President”, and then finally to win the whole goddamn enchilada?!? So this whole time he was faking it? Well if that’s the case then holy llama shit! Slap my ass, paint me pink and call me Gertrude. Oh wait, that gives me an idea!

Van Full of Candy is officially announcing our candidacy for President of the United States in the 2012 U.S. presidential
election. And to keep things simple, we’re providing our birth certificate right now, right here for the nation to see, just so there isn’t any … confusion.

So stick THAT in your apple and smoke it

Obama's Birth Certificate Found In a Van Full of Candy

Posted on

Here it is, now go back to being unemployed

Hey everyone, wow, we’re really sorry that this whole Obama/birth certificate thing got so way out of freakin’ control. We forgot that it was in the back of our van the whole time. Whoopsie right?? Silly us, we totally forgot that on one of our last roadtrips, Obama had it in his wallet and let us frame it. So we hung it inside the van so it would be “Officially Presidential”, like Air Force One, meaning we wouldn’t have to pay when crossing toll-bridges or when using parking garages. IT WAS AWESOME! And don’t forget that all the drive-thru food we could eat WAS FREE!! FREE G’DAMNIT!! So maybe when I say … forgot … maybe I meant … didn’t want to tell anyone. Well crap, would you? You know how much money I’ve saved over the last few months since this whole “prove you’re American” thing came out? Well I’d have to say it’s been WAY over $250. That’s a lot of Big Macs.

Here’s what I can’t quite wrap my little nugget around: When I had to renew my drivers license down at the good ol’ friendly DMV, I had to prove up and down with all kinds of documents and fingerprints and photos and fluids from places and a letter of recommendation from my 1st grade teacher and then had to recite the Cub Scout Promise while standing on a chair. Holy frakin’ shit! All of this just to renew a drivers license that I already had because I had previously aleady proved my citizenial worthiness? I can’t even IMAGINE how difficult it would be to become the Holy Ambassador to these United Lines on a Map. I mean seriously! I’m sure he had to show a birth certificate to get student loans at Harvard Law right? To get married, when his book was published, to be elected into the Senate, to say “hey I’m running for President”, and then finally to win the whole goddamn enchilada?!? So this whole time he was faking it? Well if that’s the case then holy llama shit! Slap my ass, paint me pink and call me Gertrude. Oh wait, that gives me an idea!

Van Full of Candy is officially announcing our candidacy for President of the United States in the 2012 U.S. presidential
election. And to keep things simple, we’re providing our birth certificate right now, right here for the nation to see, just so there isn’t any … confusion.

So stick THAT in your apple and smoke it