pot

Montel Williams Wants To Get You Stoned

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Let's make a smoothie outta this beotch

So Montel William’s television show, monotonously named, “The Montel William’s Show” ended a few years ago. Not that anybody had any clue, hence, me letting you know. You probably know him better for his infomercials pushing his Healthmaster Blender to people who are too lazy to actually go to a grocery store, buy the ingredients to make a healthy soup or smoothie, peel, chop and blend those ingredients and then wash out the Healthmaster, dry it, and put it away so they can be healthier by making better food choices. But the motivation to do so is there everytime you pick up the user-guide/menu with thoughts of “oh that’s easy, I can totally do that”, but the blender just ends up depressed in a cupboard collecting dust right next to that salad spinner you really needed to start making your own salads, it then gets moved from apartment to apartment with well wishes of using it one day, only to be put in a box

Would you mind blending me up a nice hot bowl of "STFU"?

and transplanted to the garage where it sits for another two years before another apartment move to where one says, “let’s put it on Craigslist”, but doing that takes so much freakin’ effort that it ends up next to the apartment dumpster you’re moving out of with a FREE sign on it only to be seen by another “wanna be healthier” person, picked up and put in their cupboard. Thanks Montel, but Burger King meal deal #4 is sounding really good and easy right about now.

So as I’m perusing my local rag today, I read that Mr. Blender Man wants to open a medical-cannibas dispensery in Sacramento. Hey wait! I freakin’ live in Sacramento. Montel just totally showed up in my backyard and wants to get me stoned. SWEET!! But wait, it gets better. I also find out that Montel is going to be a special guest for the improv comedy company we used to be a part of. We had better get some sort of sweet-ass-pot-ex-employee discount, that’s all I can say. You hear me Montel? Or better yet, you better give me a sweet rate on my cash advance of $1,500 that I can get through your Montel Williams Cash Advance Website … Wait! WHAT??!! You’re also a Check-Into-Cash? I’m starting to get really confused with all your different business ventures and websites and health and psychics on your old show and blunt rollin’ and … damn, I need a smoothie. (And in that instant it all became very clear to me).

I got money, blenders, blunts, whattchuwant ??

Montel has a “Downward Spiral Ponzi Multi Level Marketing Healthy Stoner Scheme” going on. It’s a very rare one, but one that I’ve only heard about in biblical scrawls. Here’s how it works: The show, The Montel William’s Show, was the credibility draw. We’re drawn in with all your good deeds of people-helping, and even bringing in mediums who can predict the future and talk to our deceased loved ones. That’s the hook, you’ve got us to love you, the kind of love which never goes away. THEN … you open a Wacky Tobacky store to get us all nice and lit and ready for some munchies. As we’re sitting on the couch unable to more than giggle at our ferns, you buy some commercial time and tell us about your snack making Healthblender, which we absolutely need because we’re munchy’er than shit at that point, but we don’t have quite enough to buy it, so we go online to your Money Dealin’ store and get a quick loan that is quickly deposited into our bank account which we then immediately use to purchase our high speed fruit mixer, sending that money directly back to you. You’re a clever one Mr. Williams, a clever one indeed. Now, about that discount.

Movie Review: “Your Highness”

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We at Van Full of Candy are entertainment industry movers and shakers. Big shots. Fuckin’ important ‘n shit. That’s just a fact. As such we get invited to the advanced screenings of all of the biggest high profile cinematic events. People want us there, important people, they want to be associated with our awesome comedic might. We get EXCLUSIVE invitations handed to us in VIP flyer form by someone making $8 an hour while wandering around aimlessly through the bowels of Hollywood. This isn’t the kind of shit that just anyone who happened to be walking down that same street and had a couple hours free on a Monday night could get… We’re special! 

So after taking our place in line, then, taking our cell phones back to the car, (because I guess it would have been too distracting to all of the other important high rollers around us, wondering which Hollywood A-lister we were thumb gossiping with through the coming attractions) and finally taking a seat in OUR CHOICE of one of the first two rows of the theater (while the “real” press got to sit in much less spine destroying seats in the other 93% of the house, or as we call them “The Boring Stuck Up Assholes Club That Won’t Let Us In Already”… section) we finally got down to the business at hand… Show.

I am often known for my brief, snap reviews of movies as we sit through the credits, soaking in all of the wasted money and time of the sad individuals whose names so proudly scroll before us like they have anything at all to be proud of. And to get us started here was that snap review:

"Not really what you think it's about. Sorry Lord Smokey Von Puffington."
"Not really what you think it's about. Sorry Lord Smokey Von Puffington."

“I’ve never seen an eighty million dollar dick joke before.”

To be fair, I don’t know that this dick joke cost EXACTLY $80 million (since I can’t find the budget figures anywhere online), but it felt like it. So… congrats?

By now you’ve probably been stabbed in the face repeatedly by the “hilarious” trailers for “Your Highness”, the latest alleged pot comedy from the smokers of Hollywood’s most exclusive pots. Naturally, through the innuendo and targeted marketing of this buried in early April for good reason action comedy adventure doesn’t know what it wants to be, romp, one enters with certain expectations. Those expectations being another round from the twenty first century Cheech and Chong group following up their “success” in “Pineapple Express”.

The stoner movie has made a big come back in recent years and they just keep getting bigger and bigger with the more success they have. And there in lay the problem. With “Pineapple Express” they decided to try to advance the idiot buddy action comedy and for some weird ass reason, try to infuse some sort of spine into it. It was mildly humorous because we hadn’t exactly seen that before. But now we have, and among the many reasons “Your Highness” fails is because of their previous success.

I would have respected this movie more if it HAD just taken an old Cheech and Chong script and “reimagined” it with olde English dialogue. But they even managed to disappoint in making a weed movie.

"Unleash the fuckin' Kraken's cock! ... Fag."
"Unleash the fuckin' Kraken's cock! ... Fag."

This randomly assembled pile of insults to anyone who gives money to it, spends a hundred minutes of your life wishing like hell that it was something else while not really being sure exactly what that something else would be. My only guess as to how this script came together is that sometime back in 1994 the producers of “Your Highness” picked up a bland, regurgitated sword and sorcery story, forgot about it, then found it again in the bottom of a drawer somewhere and decided to just start filming it and let Danny McBride riff for a couple minutes every twenty pages or so. It’s like the people behind this movie went to see the new “Clash of the Titans” last year and thought, “You know, this is certainly a fantasmically exhilarating motion picture extravaganza, but I think what would truly make it a master piece is if every character ended each of their lines with ‘fuck’.”

So it’s a stoner comedy that will disappoint stoners. It’s a fantasy epic that will disappoint nerds. It’s a motion picture that will disappoint those with the gift of sight. And it’s a talkie which will make anyone curse the invention of the spoken language. A rare Spring Block-keeper-in-tacter that doesn’t have a little anything for no one. Huzzah!

Movie Review: "Your Highness"

Posted on

We at Van Full of Candy are entertainment industry movers and shakers. Big shots. Fuckin’ important ‘n shit. That’s just a fact. As such we get invited to the advanced screenings of all of the biggest high profile cinematic events. People want us there, important people, they want to be associated with our awesome comedic might. We get EXCLUSIVE invitations handed to us in VIP flyer form by someone making $8 an hour while wandering around aimlessly through the bowels of Hollywood. This isn’t the kind of shit that just anyone who happened to be walking down that same street and had a couple hours free on a Monday night could get… We’re special! 

So after taking our place in line, then, taking our cell phones back to the car, (because I guess it would have been too distracting to all of the other important high rollers around us, wondering which Hollywood A-lister we were thumb gossiping with through the coming attractions) and finally taking a seat in OUR CHOICE of one of the first two rows of the theater (while the “real” press got to sit in much less spine destroying seats in the other 93% of the house, or as we call them “The Boring Stuck Up Assholes Club That Won’t Let Us In Already”… section) we finally got down to the business at hand… Show.

I am often known for my brief, snap reviews of movies as we sit through the credits, soaking in all of the wasted money and time of the sad individuals whose names so proudly scroll before us like they have anything at all to be proud of. And to get us started here was that snap review:

"Not really what you think it's about. Sorry Lord Smokey Von Puffington."
"Not really what you think it's about. Sorry Lord Smokey Von Puffington."

“I’ve never seen an eighty million dollar dick joke before.”

To be fair, I don’t know that this dick joke cost EXACTLY $80 million (since I can’t find the budget figures anywhere online), but it felt like it. So… congrats?

By now you’ve probably been stabbed in the face repeatedly by the “hilarious” trailers for “Your Highness”, the latest alleged pot comedy from the smokers of Hollywood’s most exclusive pots. Naturally, through the innuendo and targeted marketing of this buried in early April for good reason action comedy adventure doesn’t know what it wants to be, romp, one enters with certain expectations. Those expectations being another round from the twenty first century Cheech and Chong group following up their “success” in “Pineapple Express”.

The stoner movie has made a big come back in recent years and they just keep getting bigger and bigger with the more success they have. And there in lay the problem. With “Pineapple Express” they decided to try to advance the idiot buddy action comedy and for some weird ass reason, try to infuse some sort of spine into it. It was mildly humorous because we hadn’t exactly seen that before. But now we have, and among the many reasons “Your Highness” fails is because of their previous success.

I would have respected this movie more if it HAD just taken an old Cheech and Chong script and “reimagined” it with olde English dialogue. But they even managed to disappoint in making a weed movie.

"Unleash the fuckin' Kraken's cock! ... Fag."
"Unleash the fuckin' Kraken's cock! ... Fag."

This randomly assembled pile of insults to anyone who gives money to it, spends a hundred minutes of your life wishing like hell that it was something else while not really being sure exactly what that something else would be. My only guess as to how this script came together is that sometime back in 1994 the producers of “Your Highness” picked up a bland, regurgitated sword and sorcery story, forgot about it, then found it again in the bottom of a drawer somewhere and decided to just start filming it and let Danny McBride riff for a couple minutes every twenty pages or so. It’s like the people behind this movie went to see the new “Clash of the Titans” last year and thought, “You know, this is certainly a fantasmically exhilarating motion picture extravaganza, but I think what would truly make it a master piece is if every character ended each of their lines with ‘fuck’.”

So it’s a stoner comedy that will disappoint stoners. It’s a fantasy epic that will disappoint nerds. It’s a motion picture that will disappoint those with the gift of sight. And it’s a talkie which will make anyone curse the invention of the spoken language. A rare Spring Block-keeper-in-tacter that doesn’t have a little anything for no one. Huzzah!