New Orleans Saints

Van Full of Candy's End of the World Year Predictions

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It hardly seems worth making predictions this year. As everyone is surely aware, this year isn’t going to be as long as they have been in the past. You can blame the stupid Mayans and their dumb calendar for that bunk. So with those ten fewer days at the end of not only this year, but the end of the very existence of this planet and all of those things that we have come to believe immortal and timeless, we will never truly know for sure if some of our at yet unrealized predictions might have come true in that final week and a half of the year that we’re being cheated out of.

It’s not the end of the world that upsets me, it’s not getting the proper chance to be proven right that REALLY bugs me.

But we did it last year with what could only be called “startling” accuracy, so we’re legally bound to participate this year as well. And just remember, as the planet is swallowing you whole, if for a second as your very being is being erased from forever, you think that we called one of these wrong, just know: fuck you, it WOULD have been right if planetary implosion hadn’t prematurely cut 2012 short.

Now, what do we see in our magical balls, hmmm?

  • President Barack Obama will narrowly win re-election in November, edging out the Republican ticket of Romney/Santorum and powerhouse Independent entry Trump/Seacrest.
  • Tim Tebow will reveal to the world that his mother experienced immaculate conception on March 16th (3:16) and will die for our sins by being nailed to a goal post after he wins next year’s Super Bowl.
  • The iPhone 6 will be majestically bestowed upon the multitudes as Steve Jobs descends from an actual iCloud straight from iHeaven.
  • Irrefutable evidence of a secret Iranian nuclear program will finally be revealed by US intelligence agencies. Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will try to fight back tears as his big surprise present for America’s birthday will be ruined. We’ll try to apologize and act surprised anyway when Iran does eventually deliver their present, but we’ll still feel like jerks.
  • Upon further inspection of the cruise ship that crashed in Italy, DNA findings show that the captain is the great grandson of the other incompetent ship captain that sank the Titanic and is coincidentally related to Isaac, the bartender on The Love Boat.
  • A team who’s predominant uniform color is blue, will win the NCAA Mens Basketball Championship.
  • Google and Facebook have a one night stand after an awards ceremony, get pregnant, and have a really ugly baby who is motivated by being an underachiever.
  • The world will end on December 21st when a fleet of giant star cruisers descends upon the planet, crewed by a highly advanced race of dinosaurs who have to destroy us to ensure that the time stream doesn’t unravel like a cheap sweater. We won’t quite understand the whole space time continuum explanation, but our confusion will be mercifully short lived.
  • Both the Green Bay Packers and New Orleans Saints will not make it to the Super Bowl.
  • The North American Beaver will continue to carefully guard the secret of the meaning of life, waiting patiently until the day that someone finally thinks to ask it.

And so it is, every one of 2012’s filthy little secrets laid bare for all to see. Fat lot of good it’ll do us when the Dinonauts arrive, but enjoy it while you can, ’cause they’re not gonna make a lick of sense and they’re not gonna give a shit when we don’t get it.

Dinosaur astronauts are kinda dicks.

Van Full of Candy traded to Jacksonville

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Apparently, an actual team...
Apparently, an actual team...

With the NFL lockout finally coming to an end this week, teams have been frantically signing and trading players in a feeding frenzy unseen in the history of the league as they get ready for the start of the 2011 NFL season, just six weeks away. Among all of the confusion of blockbuster trades and free agent signings we have learned just this afternoon that online humorists, Van Full of Candy have been signed to a multi year contract by the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Details of the deal are still coming in, but it is being reported that Van Full of Candy is being sent to Jacksonville from the Seattle Seahawks in exchange for a half a box of Britta pitcher filters and a bag of Werther’s Originals.

“I think everybody is coming out of this deal with something they wanted and filling holes in their lineups that needed filling,” said a Seahawks spokesperson who continued, “Our water is going to be delicious.”

“I didn’t know we were on the Seahawks…” a confused Jason told one reporter. “But, I guess I’d like to thank the people of Seattle for their… years, of support?”

“We’re looking forward to playing, which ever position it is we’re usually playing, to the best of our ability,” Jesse told ESPN Radio’s John Ireland and Steve Mason after receiving the news. “And with any luck at all, leading the… Jacksonvilles, to a… Stanley… Championship… Plate… Or something.”

“Jacksonville has a football team?” Jason went on to ask reporters, who themselves could only shrug in response. “I mean, which Jacksonville anyway? There’s a lot of ’em. I guess I need to know where to forward my mail.”

League officials were too busy at press time to respond to questions about the legitimacy of the deal, with the anarchy presiding at NFL headquarters caused by this extremely abbreviated off season signing period. This unprecedented signing of internet comedy due Van Full of Candy is not the only NFL contract that the league office has been being bombarded with questions about. Many reports of confusing deals continue to flood the wires, including the Arizona Cardinals trading running back Tim Hightower for a stainless steel lemon zester and a bag of used postage stamps, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers signing a miniature pony and a bird bath to fill out their defensive line and a panicked Buffalo Bills releasing their entire roster and unplugging their phone.

The NFL season is set to kicks off Thursday, September 8th as the New Orleans Saints visit Lambeau Field to take on the newly merged Minnesota Bay Packings.