I'll Take a Pink Slime Pounder, Large Fries, and Large Cup of Ammonia

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How come I have to read about this fucking story a few hours after eating a Quarter Pounder with Cheese for lunch? Why? Because it’s God’s way of pecking me to death. Thanks God.

Enter … Pink Slime.

Ronald McDonald's Bowel Movement

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to McDonald’s drive-thru, Mickey D’s has done it again. Like JAWS lurking below in the dark depths of the ocean, we all swim on the surface ignorant in our trans fat day comas, the happy red and yellow clown keeps putting shit in his food that kills us alive. Thanks Ronald.

If it's safe to play with, it's safe to eat.
This time, the yumminess that’s been inserted into my #5 value meal looks like Bazooka Bubble Gum but not as sweet, or maybe it is, but I haven’t had a spoonful of it in it’s natural habitat. It’s all the parts of a cow that are deemed unworthy of human consumption. It’s the parts that they use to make dog food out of. It’s the parts that make my McD.L.T. taste so damn … tasty. All the scraps and hooves and bones and fat and sinew are cut from meat that gets sold for steaks and that shiny wet cat food. Those scraps are then taken to a meat dry-cleaner where they separate the “meat” from the fat, give it a bath in ammonia and call it safe. Yay!

Oh wait, this just in. McDonald’s has just put out a statement claiming “This product has been out of our supply chain since August of last year”. Instead, they’re using Slimey Pink.

Yeah!! Grind that bitch up!!

That Awkward Moment When You Get In a Van With Ronald McDonald and He Has No Hamburgers

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The title of this blog comes from a very popular “Tweet” and mixes it with us, Van Full of Candy, and a cheeseburger slinging clown. It’s sort of a creepy-trifecta right off the bat. The “Tweetsy” I’m referring to is one that starts off … #ThatAwkwardMomentWhen … and people put all kinds of awkward moments behind it. One of the more popular “moments” is, well, here it is below that I came across just today …

First of all, thank you Mr. Boner5 for expressing your disappointment in not receiving any candy, and second of all, please know that if you get in our van, there’s more candy than you can handle. And hey dear reader, why not click on “Follow” for Mr. Boner, I’m sure he’d like some company. Now where was I? Ahh yes, explaining shit.

So the title comes from a conglomeration of a few things, beginning with an article I read on Time Magazine’s website today. It was about the 10 creepiest product mascots that they have so deemed worthy of this title. After going through their list I’d have to agree with most of them, but I would have added Fred Rated to the mix. Anyway, the two that stood out to me were the original Hamburglar and the original Ronald McDonald. So being the diligent purveyor of information that I am, I went on a research binge and came across something that even I hadn’t seen before. It’s about how Ronald McDonald skates through your neighborhood, offers your kids burgers and holds their hand as they skip off to McDonald’s for gawd knows what even though mommy said not to.

So dear readers, what have we learned from this PSA video? We’ve learned that when a strange man driving a van offers you candy, take a moment and think of what dear old mom said, then look at the van, and smell the candy, and listen to the driver’s voice. If it looks unlegit, and smells unlegit, and sounds unlegit, then get your ass in that van and eat as much candy as possible, because heck, a van full of candy is your favorite place in town, just like the commercial says. Beep beep !!

Would You Like Fries With Your Self Richeousness?

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If what I’ve over heard while not really listening can be trusted as complete and total fact, 97.3% of Americans are out of work. I, personally, work out of the Van making literally tens of people every day sort of almost chuckle, so as far as I’m concerned the unemployed can suck it. And apparently “insiders” agree with me. But all anyone seems to want to talk about is how bad the economy is and how no one is doing anything about it. And after seeing one company try to come out and at least look like it’s trying to do something, I can understand why nobody else gives a shit.

"Here's a McSecret: The real 'Happy Meal'? It's in my pants!"
"Heres a McSecret: The real Happy Meal? Its in my pants!"

See, yesterday McDonalds, “the Hamburger People”™ held what it called a “National Hiring Day” where they supposedly planned to hire 50,000 new workers, effectively adding to it’s burger loving work force by 7 percent. Thousands of people showed up at McDonalds “Family Fun Food Centers and Play-stravaganza Activity Parks” © hoping to join Mayor McCheese’s proud McFamily. Those struggling folks, among the 13 million other Americans desperate for work were naturally called by industry insiders, “suckers”.

You see, this isn’t about hiring people. If that’s what you thought, some vaguely defined “economy industry insiders” would like to tell you about this job that they have for you called punch you in the face dummy. You see, this isn’t about trying to put people to work, this is about McDonalds wanting to look like it… puts people to work…

But let’s look at the facts, stupid poor moron! Here’s what the article itself says:

Though the 50,000 jobs are new, McDonald’s usually staffs up for summer anyway, and it’s constantly gaining and losing employees. It added 50,000 new workers in April last year, so Tuesday’s blitz amounts to typical hiring, albeit compressed into a day.

So… yeah. This actual AP Business Writer is showing you morons what’s really going on here. Sure these are “new” jobs, but, they would have hired them anyway. So why do you think you’re so special McDonalds. Hiring people that you would have hired anyway and wanting people to know that you’re hiring people. So what? You want a medal? Is that what you want Ronald? You want a big pretty medal proclaiming how awesome you are for putting 50,000 people to work that you would have put to work anyway? Well okay, you probably, might, could maybe deserve a medal. But… shut up!

The article continued:

With 14,000 U.S. restaurants, Tuesday’s planned additions amount to about three or four new employees per restaurant — the amount that each store is probably usually looking for anyway, said Sara Senatore, an analyst at Sanford C. Bernstein.

Again McDonalds, why the fuck do you think you should get any attention for hiring people that you are probably usually looking for anyway? I mean, just because you probably need them, doesn’t mean that you should do a huge nation wide one day hiring bonanza to actually let it be known that you probably need someone to fill these extra jobs. What are you trying to prove? That telling people you have jobs available might help to get those jobs filled? What a filthy, underhanded, self serving piece of shit ass cunt whore twat bitch mother licking chode kind of move that is McDonalds… You should be ashamed of all of those things I just called you. Shame!

"Remember, you're just a tool in our propaganda... apparently..."
"Remember, youre just a tool in our propaganda... apparently..."

The article also goes on to talk about the stigma attached to McDonalds workspersonship. Because you should be reminded that working at McDonalds is demeaning. It’s below you. Do you really want to have to slink back to McDonalds in your desperate hour of need and work with all of those high school kids, reminding you of the failure that you are while trying to survive this hopefully temporary transition or hardship you find yourself in? Never mind the fact that the average age of a fast food worker has risen from 22 in the year 2000 to almost 30 years old today.

You know who wouldn’t take a job at McDonalds? An asshole. So yeah, fuck McDonalds. Fuck McDonalds for hiring people, fuck McDonalds for telling people it’s hiring people, and fuck McDonalds for screwing over all of it’s grateful, appreciative to be given any opportunity to try to put food on the table, workers. The federal minimum wage right now is $7.25, McDonalds’ Human Resources Vice President says that most of their franchises pay more than that and a full time manager can make anywhere from 32,000 to 50,000 a year. They also say that 30 percent of their executives and 70 percent of their managers started as little more than fry cooks and mop nudgers. But so what? Right economy snobs? You’re still an executive at McDonalds. Right? You’re still a manager at McDonalds. And those assholes make it a big deal that they’re trying to hire tens of thousands of people to work for them for more than minimum wage with a seemingly reasonable amount of upward mobility like they’re some kind of job creating burger barons! The fucking sack on this clown!

Thirteen million people are out of work. Mostly because of shit done to them by other companies, a batrillion times less honest in their motivations than this deliciously unhealthy food shilling man from McDonaldland. You’ve got a company that is trying to put people to work, people who need it, and yeah, they’re doing it in a bit of a flashy way to maybe get a little attention for it and to try to mend a reputation that has been perpetuated by assholes lucky enough to not have to work there, and still you’re going to bitch about it?

Shut up and eat your 6 piece McNuggets fried up for you by the 40 year old guy, happy as fuck to be given the opportunity to do ANYTHING to make some money and just hope like hell that you never find yourself in a position in life where you too might have to rely on the self serving gesture of a company that you despise for no good damned reason.