Mashable

Happy Birthday Twitter, You Bedwetter

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We didn’t get you a present

Hey everyone, want to hear something that nobody cares about? Twitter just turned 5 years old. Big F’ing deal, so did my dog and he still scrapes his ass on the floor. Five! You can’t even really color within the lines yet Twitter, or eat without spillin’ shit all over your shirt, or even wipe your ass by yourself yet. Whoopeee!! Twitter is 5!! Let’s all have a big social media party with a creepy ass clown so Twitter will run to mommy and cry.

Five! You go around acting all badass making other people feel important when they have a shitload of followers, big whippity doo! YOU’RE ONLY 5! You don’t even know what all that means yet. This is kind of like your really poorly done refrigerator art, and your parents are telling you how amazing it is patting you on your sweaty little Twitter head and magnet’ing it where everybody HAS to look at it! Five! You still wear Pull-Ups to bed and have a nightlight, but we’re all supposed to bow down to your uberness, your power, your Charlie Sheen record setting whatever that media handjob thing was; and what is it you really do? ANSWER THAT TWITTER! WHAT DO YOU DO? You sit there and you make people “popular” and feel special. Well you know what? The people who were already popular, are just more popular and those of us who were never popular, still aren’t. Thanks for that! And how the hell am I supposed to use you? And how did you like my overuse of the word “popular”? Oh you wouldn’t understand that because you’re FIVE!

Hey, let me “tweet” something. Yay! Well that was fun! Where in the hell did THAT go? Who got it? WTF?? And this hashtag bullshit? It’s like tic-tac-toe before a word and all of a sudden it’s that much more important? And if freakin’ Sheen puts one in front of anything it becomes the God damn word of … well … God. And now I’ve mentioned his name twice in this damn article even though he deliberately cut me from his internship. I’m not bitter, I already talked to him about it here. Five! You can’t even sit in the front seat yet, but you’re telling us who we need to follow and how amazing they are and even set up a NEW website that pimps out the chosen people even more, well fuck, why don’t you make a shitty website and pimp us nobody’s out? Huh? No! I guess we’ll just have to work our asses off and do all of that shit ourselves. GREAT! When do WE get to be cool? Never! That’s when! You just sit back there in your car-seat with your sippy-cup and act like a Prima Donna. FIVE! You still take naps, and suck your thumb and let all these people praise you, well not us! No sir! We will never promote you AT ALL! EVER! We won’t hyperlink anything back to you to show how much everybody needs you. FIVE! And you know what? Just for being the little runny nose prick that you are, I’m not gonna pick you up from daycare today!

FIVE THAT TWITTER!!

Please don't follow us @VanFullOfCandy, we hate Twitter

iPad 2 Features Revealed

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Gather ye multitudes and bear witness to the second coming
The Apple rumor mill is in full swing this week with rumors of the new iPad. Lucky for you, Van Full of Candy is always on the bleeding edge of technological scuttlebutt. We are forever privy to insider information and are always in the VIP sections of all computer’y thingy’s related soirees where hundreds of geeks gather for the cyberworld heavens to open and bestow upon us the latest gadgetry in which we shall giggle uncontrollably, then give our paycheck offerings to the black, mock turtleneck swaddled deity, Steve “Immanuel” Jobs.
The announcement for the new iPad 2 will be announced next Wednesday to the press, as seen from the invitation that we just recently received above. However, Van Full of Candy got a special “secret SECOND invitation” as well, one that Mashable didn’t even receive. One that let us actually play with the new electronic Etch A Sketch yesterday, and although we signed a non-disclosure agreement, we just can’t keep this gizmo’s deliciousness from our loyal fans. Aside from the mundane, normal features that everybody is expecting, like two cameras, or bigger speakers, and cool new holes for plugging things into it, here are the REAL upgrades that nobody was expecting from the soon to be released iPad 2.

The resolution is making me cry

Real Retina Display – In an ever increasing race for unmatchable clarity in handheld devices, Apple has found the ultimate retina display available. The eye of a whale. The dimensions of a whale’s eye is coincidentally the exact size of the iPad 2 which makes for a perfect display. We found that the wet, slimy screen was a little hard to get used to, but God the clarity is so worth it.
Quick Porn Invisibility Mode – If you’ve ever been browsing the
If only the sound would have stopped too
underbelly of the internets, you’ve probably come across a website or two that might borderline on the NSFW variety. Well now those “getting caught porn handed” days are over. The new iPad 2 has an infrared sensor that turns the whole damn thing invisible when anybody gets within 6 feet of you when you’re browsing porn. Brilliant! In our tests, we found that this mode works well with hiding the embarrassment of browsing icanhazcheeseburger.com as well.

What luck that his last name was Shrinker

Built In Professional Espresso Maker – In an agreement between Apple and Starbucks, a full blown effort to rid coffee shops of these techy-caffeine-junkies who set up shop in your local Starbuck’s has been put in place. The two megapowers put their zillion dollar budgets together to create the smallest, professional grade espresso maker that will fit in the iPad 2. The La Marzocco FB/80 Semi professional espresso maker has been created by the Dr. Shrinker shrink ray which Jobs acquired once the show was cancelled. The 64GB version comes with an actual barista.

Next year we'll have one for the bathroom

Doorstop Mode – In an effort to be more sustainable and keep their devices out of landfills around the world, Apple has smartly introduced the doorstop mode. Once you purchase your iPad 2, an App will install automatically about 364 days after the purchase, the exact day your device will become obsolete with the new iPad 3. When you press the Doorstop Mode App icon, the iPad 2 will then fold into a wedge shaped doorstop. Voila! Your doors stay open and you just saved another whale, which Apple will then kill to make two more iPad 3’s. The circle of life.
Me: 1 - Whales: 0