Every time a gay thinks about marrying, God gets punched in the taint by the Devil and a kitten sucks a dick.
A same-sex marriage bill is currently working its way through the New York state legislature which can only mean one thing, Jesus is warming up his wave machine while solemnly shaking his head in disappointment with us all. How do I know this? Because the Wide Receiver of the Apocalypse has deliver unto us our one and only warning.
You see, in a video released Wednesday by the National Organization for Marriage, former super bowling footballist David Tyree pleads for our continued discrimination against a people solely because we think the way they touch parts is icky, not just because God says so, but because God says so and, you know, for the children.
“You can’t teach something that you don’t have,” Tyree said in the video. “So two men will never be able to teach a woman how to be a woman.”
To say the statement by this ball hugging man in tight, tight knee pants is ignorant on the surface of it would be a disservice to the additional ignorance below the surface. The obvious implication here not only slights the ability of same-sex couples to raise a child, which as I’ve chronicled recently is nigh biologically impossible, but it also automatically implies that single parents raising a child of the opposite sex of them are doing it wrong. UNLESS of course, this statement is only meant to say that two parents of the same gender automatically negate any teaching they are attempting to pass on to their child, simply by the power of their reproductive organs not interlocking like Voltron limbs in the manner in which this ex-group man showerer deems Biblically correct. Because unless that’s the case he’s making, all children of divorce or any other single parentage should automatically be taken from their homes the second it is not populated by two alternately gendered parental figures, you know, for their own well being.
But the other bit of ignorance about the statement that probably bothers me more is a more stereotype based bit of observation. Two gay men would likely raise a better woman than a hundred straight women and two lesbian women would undoubtedly raise a better man than a dozen dozen hetro blokes. Or maybe that’s my ignorance clouding his ignorance in a hot, steamy ignorance sauna, so foggy from the drippy steam, just groping for answers, hands, grasping things that they might not normally if they could see clearly, it may be wrong elsewhere, but right here, right now, there’s nothing more right in this entire world!
What was I saying?
Ah, right, former professional sweaty man who was paid millions of dollars to run from the grasp of larger, heaving sweaty men and his hatred of amateur sweaty men’s want to be sweaty together…
“Marriage is the only relationship that actually mirrors the relationship with God,” he said.
Which, if you really wanted to be a dick, you could say SOUNDS a lot like him saying that as a believer, he is married to God, as generally depicted as a large, burly, bearded man in all artistic representations, which makes his statement sound kind of hypocritical. Feetball catchman Tyree can be married to what the community would call a “bear” but other mortal men can’t marry similarly mortal men. That’s kinda unfair really.
Let’s also just gloss over the ignorant hypocrisy of another statement of his objection in the article that:
it is not justifiable to alter a long-standing institution “because a minority — an influential minority — has … an agenda,”
Says the millionaire man of non-caucasian ancestry whom without the agenda of an influential minority not sixty years ago couldn’t buy a sandwich in many establishments owned by proprietors who hated his ancestors simply because of how they were born and the lifestyle they lived.
But the main thrust of his argument is that allowing dude one to buy a piece of paper that says he and dude two are going to be able to put each other on their health insurance and allow them to visit one another while in the hospital, that it could only signal for this great, man on woman bonded nation:
“the beginning of our country sliding toward … anarchy,” he said
Now, “anarchy” as defined by Susan Merriam and Alouicious Webster is:
1a : absence of government
b : a state of lawlessness or political disorder due to the absence of governmental authority
c : a utopian society of individuals who enjoy complete freedom without government
2a: absence or denial of any authority or established order
b: absence of order
It’s probably safe to say that Mr. Tyree didn’t mean it in the “utopian society” sense of the word, so I can only assume “catchy runny yay” believes that allowing two ladies to scissor the night away as legally recognized wife and wife will somehow bring about the total collapse of the United States government. I’m not sure if he thinks this will come about by gays sucking up the steps of the capital building and ousting our elected leaders by force, or if he thinks that knowing fellahs would be out there sword fighting with their two married dongs would drive all of our countries legislators to mass suicide, leaving no one left to not pass laws out of petty childish gamesmanship or blind incompetence and or intolerance.
“We’re doing God an injustice by not making his heart known to our country. “
We found an ADORABLE article today from Glamour Magazine (it’s what we wrap the racin’ forms in so the broad ain’t wise!) about a magical, legally binding chicken dish. You see, 26 years ago, the fashion editor at Glamour passed on this recipe to her assistant, which she herself was given by a whimsical tree spirit who only appears once every fourth blue moon to dispense enchanted home cookin’ blue prints. So the assistant made this cursed chicken for her boyfriend and as a DIRECT RESULT of having prepared the be-fouled be-feast upon her easily swayed “man”, and because of no other possible explanation, only one short month later she was all proposed up. Naturally, as a stipulation of being given this recipe, the bearer must relinquish it to their next most desperate, un-wed sister so that it might sap the will from another unsuspecting male, ensnaring him in the unbreakable bonds of matrimony with the wicked spinster who dares unleash it’s power. And over the 26 years since it’s discovery, this “Engagement Chicken” as it’s cursed name has come to be uttered by the damned men, has been solely responsible for the marriages of 72, chicken duped men.
Numbers like that don’t lie. 72 marriages in 26 years to people who heard about a recipe. That’s clearly “Engagement Strength Chicken”. And while more marriages in this country can probably be linked to first meetings at a biker bar orgy, we would not dare to suggest that this dish is anything but a spinster wish granting miracle. But there are so many other foods that can easily be linked to other interpersonal interactions. So after hunting down the curse gnome, whom as everyone knows, is hidden in the third easternly facing knot of every tree there is, we shook him ’till his truths tumbled out and discovered these equally useful and delicious recipes. Enjoy.
Let’s Just Be Friends Biscuits:
2 cups flour
4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
3/4 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons shortening
1 cup buttermilk, chilled
Preheat oven to a smoldering bitterness.
In a large mixing bowl, combine flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt. Using your long history together by this point, rub in some of the more embarrassing facts that you’ve picked up about each other. Make a well in the center of your partner’s soul, make sure you pour in enough “it’s not you, it’s me” and abruptly part company. You can pick up your shit at his place later, right now, you just need to get away for a bit. Maybe go to that cabin in Tahoe for as long as you can without getting fired. How they deal with it is their problem.
Bake until biscuits are tall and light gold on top, 15 to 20 minutes.
1/2 cup teriyaki sauce
1/2 cup honey
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1/2 pinch ground ginger
2 red bell peppers, cut into 2 inch pieces
1 large sweet onion, peeled and cut into wedges
1 1/2 cups whole fresh mushrooms
1 pound beef sirloin, cut into 1 inch cubes
1 1/2 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breast halves – cut into cubes skewers
In a large resealable plastic bag, mix the teriyaki sauce, honey, garlic powder, and ginger. Drop direct, unambiguous hints to your significant other that it might be fun if you tried to spice up the relationship. If they ask if you are trying to suggest a threesome, tell them no, unless they think it might be fun. Seal, and refrigerate 4 to 24 hours.
Preheat grill for medium-high heat. Ask if you heard right that their old college roommate would be in town for a couple weeks and tell them if they need a place to stay, you’re cool with then staying with us.
Discard marinade, tell her if she wants, you can try two dudes first, and if that works, you know, maybe the other thing. Grill skewers for 10 minutes, turning as needed, or until meat is cooked through and vegetables are tender.
Alimony Stuffed Pork Chops:
2 boneless pork loin chops, butterflied
4 ounces crumbled blue cheese
2 slices bacon – cooked and crumbled
2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives
garlic salt to taste
ground black pepper to taste
chopped fresh parsley for garnish
Preheat the oven to that fucking bitch!
In a small bowl, mix together the blue cheese, bacon and I hope she fucking dies! Every fucking month, like, for the rest of my fucking life I’ve got to do this shit. Season each chop with garlic salt and pepper. Keep in mind that the blue cheese will be a fucking cunt, and always cut my god damned one weekend a month short and pretend it was a god damned accident!
I swear to fucking Christ, if I could murder her without anyone ever knowing, the hardest part about it would be deciding how. I know for certain though, that I would jerk off on the corpse, and I would laugh so hard, like a hell clown in a tickle fight!
Garnish with fresh parsley and serve.
I Meant To Tell You I Have Herpes Tea:
2 orange pekoe tea bags
1 cup boiling water
5 ice cubes
4 teaspoons sweetened condensed milk
3 teaspoons honey
Steep the tea bags in hot water. Tell them not to freak out and that you weren’t even sure you actually really had it because you only had that one break out a couple years ago and then another one about a week ago but you thought those were just brought on by stress. Genital stress blisters. You read about it somewhere. Discard the tea bags and let the tea cool.
Combine the ice cubes, sweetened condensed milk, and trying to convince them that it’s alright and that more people have herpes now a days than don’t. If they don’t believe you, sit together in awkward silence for several hours, pour in the tea and mix well, a strong, flavorful milk tea is ready for you to enjoy.