Be at Peace, Sweet Cocks

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During my customary afternoon search for all cock related news stories, I came upon a rather ridiculous article.

Now that's a cock fight I'd like to see. Am I right ladies? ... Fellas?
Now that's a cock fight I'd like to see. Am I right ladies? ... Fellas?

The basics of the story all fit together like well worn pieces of your classic, run of the mill stupid criminal news Madlib: Two guys pulled over for a routine traffic stop, cops see something suspicious in the back of their truck and take a little peaksie and naturally, inside the box is a felony jackpot. The obvious, immediate reaction that I have to these stories is the same that every right thinking potential criminal would have. If I am going to be driving around, a box of felony in the bed of my truck, I make damned sure that my vehicle is in perfect working order, with every flasher and blinker and bobbler and boobler all flashing and blinking and bobbling and boobling to it’s utmost, factory specifications so as not to attract any sort of unwanted attention to myself, and my cargo of prison time. But for every intricately planned and flawlessly executed Las Vegas casino heist filled with close calls, beautiful criminal master minds and crisp, tightly paced, world class banter, there’s a batrillion idiots with rickety pick ups, hauling around crates of loosely packed crime, just begging to be pulled over on their way to more criminality.

But what set this story apart from the rest might not be what you’ll initially think. You see, the two master criminals were hauling a box of chickens. As I understand it, hauling chickens in a box in and of itself isn’t a felony, but professional MMA chickens apparently have to take a bus. These two gentlemen were immediately arrested for improperly transporting bad ass chickens, and while they were taken away the coppers made a trip to their no doubt lavish hotel/casino, professional poultry fighting association sports arena where they found a “fairly large scale” operation of nearly 250 bench pressing chickens and their “fighting implements”, by which I assume they mean silk trunks and knuckle tape.

Now, even at this point, still not a story worth more than a simple glance and quick calculation of exactly how many buckets of original recipe that was that they just discovered, battling for the enjoyment of all of those enthuseists of fight. What did grab my attention was this.

All of the brave, fighting fowl, just trying to make an honest buck and claw their way out of poverty the only way they know how, with their claws, all nearly 250 “game birds” that authorities “rescued” from this fighting ring, were summarily executed.

They killed every last chicken.

I’m no stranger to taking up the fight for an unpopular cause, on more than one occasion I’ve argued in favor of bunny stabbings and I once talked a young mother out of ever caring for her new born child, but right now I am going to take an unpopular, but correct stand.

I am arguing in favor of cock fighting.

Chick "Thunder Wing" McGilliclucky, 9/26/09 - 2/17/11
Chick "Thunder Wing" McGilliclucky, 9/26/09 - 2/17/11

After shutting down this “disgusting”, “inhumane”, “blood sport”, and saving these poor, not exactly defenseless creatures, Henry Brzezinski, Chief of Animal Services did in one fell swoop what he was supposedly saving these animals from. He told reporters that “The birds were humanely euthanized because they were either in bad shape physically or their behavior was too aggressive for them to be rehabilitated.”

So then, what exactly was accomplished here? I think the only person who got anything out of this was this sick-o Brzezinski who got to live out a mass execution fantasy that would normally be frowned upon but that he suddenly had a workable excuse to follow through on.

The end result of this is 250 dead chickens, bottom line. So how is their “humane” euthanizing any better than fighting to the death in the ring, like the modern day gladiators that they are? This state is in a financial crisis and we’re just going to throw away 250 perfectly good fighting chickens? You caught the guys, good for you, I’m not defending animal sport fighting as a whole, obviously it’s barbaric and deplorable… But if you’ve got 250 chickens that you’re just going to put down anyway, where’s the harm? Put that shit on Pay Per View with all proceeds going toward future farm animal fighting death prevention programs.

If there is one and only one thing that I do know for certain in this life, it’s that this was not what any of these magnificent fighters would have wanted. What this man did was rob these majestic birds of their pride and dignity. They were fighters, fighters of cock, and they deserved to die in the ring, doing what the betting public loved, clawing and scratching their competitor’s body to ribbons with the assistance of razor blades tied to their feet. That’s all they knew, that was their entire world and this man took it upon himself to decide what was best for these courageous, talented, crazy attack chickens.

So shame on you Mr. Brzenzinski, may you be haunted forever by the muscular, angry ghosts of 250 fighting chickens, stricken down in the prime of their careers. This is truly a dark day in the world of sport; a day that shall forever taint the proud name of cock fighting.