Macy’s

Happy Memorial Day Sale – Extra 15% Off + Free Shipping !!

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Happy Summer Start Sale You Brave Shopping Soldiers

In honor of all those who have shopped all over this great land of freedom called America (The Mall Of), and for those who have died on the battlefields of miserably long retail lines, we salute you with an extra 10% off your entire purchase if you sign up for one of our credit cards today.

In honor of those who thought American Express cards were accepted at certain stores

Today we honor your frugality and smart fashion sense by raising the American flag briskly to the top of the staff, as fast as the elevator can get you from Juniors on the 1st floor to Women’s Shoes on the third floor. We will then solemnly lower the flag back down to the half-staff position at the “remembrance” speed of an escalator going to Home Furnishings where it will remain until noon, at which point we will raise it back up to full-staff, which was honorably named after having all employees manning their stations right after the lunch rush at Hot Dog on a Stick in the Food Court, where it will remain waving proudly as a symbolic beacon much like the Blue-Light Special at K-Mart.

Memorial Day Sale is a day when family and good friends can get together, BBQ the meats of poorly treated animals, sip on some lemonade and reminisce about our triumph at Macy’s Hill, the tragedy of Pottery Barn Harbor, and all the other war stories of sales gone by and loved ones who didn’t make it out those sales alive. We can watch pretty colored cars spin around a track for 500 miles and consume red, white and blue

I got this hat as a free gift with purchase of $50 of Lancome

lager until we turn crab red whilst lounging by our concrete swim areas in our newly purchased bikinis and board shorts, which did I mention was an extra 25% off since I got there before 6am? And hopefully miss the DUI checkpoint on the way home. Ahh yes!! What a lovely holiday.

Happy Memorial Day Sale to everyone!

Does This Smell Rancid To You?

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The other day as I was driving the van around town, I happened upon a dog park; a place where lonely pet owners can congregate and let their dogs frolic around with other K-9’s. A place where they can stand at least twenty feet from each other engaging in the game of “please don’t make eye contact with me”, but then strangely enough have a full blown conversation with their pooch as if they understand, and if Rover did happen to understand, he couldn’t care less about anything other than “did you bring my goddamn treats” and “I just shat over there, pick it up”.

One thing that I found fascinating with the animals was the way they got “acquainted” with each other. They would run up very quickly to each other, get into “high alert” position with their tails fully erect and let the other sniff its ass. Then they would trade positions, give a very thorough nasal inquiry, and if they had anything in common, they would then continue to play, or move on to the next ass to sniff. The ass sniffing was the hound’s form of advertisement; where they’ve been, what they’ve recently eaten, how smart they are, hobbies, favorite pet store, etc. It’s so simple and organic.

Well hello there Yale graduate

Then it dawned on me. Hey, humans do this too, but in a more obnoxious, forced ass-sniffing sort of way. They do it in the form of personalized license plate frames. Yes, you’ve seen them, and I’m sure most of you reading this even have them. Those really cool “Alumni” frames, “Life is a Cabernet”, and the road-rage provoking “My Grandkids Are Cuter Than Yours”. I wrote about the ridiculous family stickers a couple months ago, but I think this other form of self advertisement on one’s vehicle is the worse of the two evils.

Honestly, nobody really cares where you went to school 20 years ago, it’s not going to help you land a trophy wife, or that you’d rather be shopping at Macy’s. Nothing screams douchebaggery louder than “I Eat Chevy’s and Shit Fords” on the back of your gigantic hillbilly Dodge with its oversized tires that have never seen a lick of mud in its life, and forcing me to sniff it anytime I unfortunately pull up behind you in traffic, and thank you for not gracing me with the intoxicating BumperNuts today.

So why do you selfish people choose to subject all of us innocent victims to your whims and fancies? We get it! You’re educated, you love fine wines, you have beautiful families, your truck is a cannibal, you’d rather be doing something else and rather be somewhere else other than where you are at the current time because you’re actually not as happy as your plate frame would lead us to believe. But please, for the sake of all that’s holy, put your tail down, we’re done sniffing your ass.

How else am I going to get you to ignore my bald spot?