Jeopardy

Welcome To (Alleged) Fatherhood Justin

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MAZELTOV!

AND Sandy with Keanu?! Well now I've heard everything!
AND Sandy with Keanu?! Well now I've heard everything!

Oh Justin, we’re so very, very (allegedly) happy for you! I’m sorry this is a couple months late, but to be fair, you’re just finding out about it yourself now aren’t you? Wow, who’d a thunk it? Our little Justin Bieber already a daddy. Seems like just yesterday you were also still a child one day younger than you are today… Circles and something about Spring and… sun rise, or something, I think…

Anyway, lazy metaphorical imagery aside, I can’t believe our little Biebs has already grown up. Well, when you think about it, I guess it’s not too surprising to hear that you’re already (allegedly) littering your southern neighbor, these fantasmical United States of the Americas, with Bieber Brood in every town you pass through. I mean, honestly, every night thousands of recently egg producing fans scream at the top of their lungs for your not yet legal loins; does the world honestly expect you not to have a field day with that endless salad and bread sticks of vadge? You are an international pop star, it is fully understood by everyone who purchases a ticket and every parent who sends their lady child to a mega star’s concert venue that by doing so they forfeit their right to not be penetrated by said super star. Why do you think I keep an extra pair of undies tucked into my sock every time I go anywhere that live music could potentially be over heard? Well that’s one of the reasons!

I guess really the only surprise is that we haven’t heard of all of the rest of them yet. But give it ten years or so when American public schools (if such things exists in a decade) are flooded with foreheadless cherubic adolescent song birds, being scooped up in the night by stealth Disney Channel extraction teams. There won’t be enough back streets or numbers of degrees with which to catalog the limitless Boy Banditry!

I do have some sympathy for how your wonderful, life changing, special news has been delivered though Justin. I mean, no body wants the beloved (alleged) mother of their child to tell the entire damned world in a court filing, under the penalty of perjury, that the conception of your child with your fellow procreationist, which also just so happened to be your (alleged) virginal deflorination, had all the romance of a halftime leak and the longevity of the Final Jeopardy theme music. No man wants seven billion human souls to know that the (alleged) half minute grunt and squirt that culminated in your be-fathering was very likely punctuated by the flushing of a nearby urinal by a confused, groggy concert goer.

Now, if I may, I would like to speak directly to the (alleged) mother of your child, Mariah Yeater, for just a moment Justin, if I may. Mariah, Justin is a very special boy to us. We’ve been chronicling Justin Bieber’s crazy year since there’s been a Van Full of Candy. Please, don’t make us have to get our heaviest hair brush and learn you some shit! Don’t you DARE break our Justy Just’s heart! What you got after that show in Los Angeles isn’t just a souvenir! It’s (allegedly) Justin’s first born! The first in line to the Bieber throne! Naturally you will have all of the protection of the “Secret Beliebers” at your back. You will never know we are there, but we will keep you and the child god safe until it is time for its ascension.

Remember, no shaking. Just keep repeating it to yourself, it helps.
Remember, no shaking. Just keep repeating it to yourself, it helps.

Oh the joys you have ahead of you Justin. Parenthood, as I understand it, is a wonderful thing, filled with years of not resenting the unwanted child for its role in robbing you of your youth and your dreams, constant open communication filled with loving respectful conversations about love and respect with never a single moment of feeling taken for granted. There’s also never any nagging thoughts of disappointment in your off spring for the horrible choices they’ve made or fear that your poor parenting might have destroyed the inherent potential of this new life, hamstringing it from birth with your own poorly sculpted psyche, (molded by your own parents’ clumsy, inept guidance) closing doors for it before they ever knew they were ever open at all…

Just remember Justin, every child’s a miracle. And just because this one was (allegedly) conceived in a 30 second tryst in a Staples Center bathroom after a show, doesn’t make it any less so.

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What Is … “Suck My Binary Code”

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This ... Is ... Jeopardy!!

In his ever increasing swellheadedness and in his continued effort to belittle people, Alex Trebek has brought onto his show an IBM super-computer, Watson, to pound its human foes into nothing more than little puddles of humiliation. Alex, smirking in admiration the whole time, says “Oooooooh, no, sorry you imbecile, the correct response was … What is … my computer wins!!”

Now mind you, these “humans” aren’t just ordinary game show folk, they are former über-champions. Ken Jennings won 74

Look at these morons actually clapping for me

straight games … seventy freakin’ four!! His total amount in winnings was over $3 million. Then you’ve got the other human opponent, “Brad” Rutter, who is the biggest all-time money winner on Jeopardy! with three Jeopardy! Tournament Titles with earnings of over $3.2 million. The two top geeks of all time.

I am so much better than you in every way

On last night’s show, Watson, who was lovingly named from his team of never-been-outsider’s, killed its competition of never-been-outside-much’ers by chiming in first, 24 out of 30 times, and getting almost all the questions correct. “That goddamn laptop is killing us!” said Jennings when he stood in disbelief at the speed and accuracy of Watson and looked at his buzzer as if it were broken. It must be pretty hard for two ultra nerds to be completely handled by plastic parts and transistors that were made in China, but they’ll be back tonight for another sound thrashing.

This time however, Brad Rutter has a little surprise in store for Watson if he starts getting too cocky. “I’m going to bring in a flash drive that I’ll insert into Watson’s lower extremities if he starts embarrassing us again.” The flash drive will be used to upload “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” to dumb the computer down a bit so the former champs will have an opportunity to catch up, and if all else fails, they plan on plugging an Epson color printer into Watson’s neck and watching it slowly die as it desperately tries to install the printer drivers.

Watson has no fear that he won’t wipe up the floor tonight with Ken and Brad. “These humans don’t scare me one bit. I’m related to HAL and you see what he did when human life forms got in HIS way.” Watson also goes on to say that he has plans on being on an episode of Wife Swap, and that he would also really love a stab at Survivor: Redemption Island.

Thank you for making us, you'll all be dead soon

What Is … "Suck My Binary Code"

Posted on

This … Is … Jeopardy!!

In his ever increasing swellheadedness and in his continued effort to belittle people, Alex Trebek has brought onto his show an IBM super-computer, Watson, to pound its human foes into nothing more than little puddles of humiliation. Alex, smirking in admiration the whole time, says “Oooooooh, no, sorry you imbecile, the correct response was … What is … my computer wins!!”

Now mind you, these “humans” aren’t just ordinary game show folk, they are former über-champions. Ken Jennings won 74

Look at these morons actually clapping for me

straight games … seventy freakin’ four!! His total amount in winnings was over $3 million. Then you’ve got the other human opponent, “Brad” Rutter, who is the biggest all-time money winner on Jeopardy! with three Jeopardy! Tournament Titles with earnings of over $3.2 million. The two top geeks of all time.

I am so much better than you in every way

On last night’s show, Watson, who was lovingly named from his team of never-been-outsider’s, killed its competition of never-been-outside-much’ers by chiming in first, 24 out of 30 times, and getting almost all the questions correct. “That goddamn laptop is killing us!” said Jennings when he stood in disbelief at the speed and accuracy of Watson and looked at his buzzer as if it were broken. It must be pretty hard for two ultra nerds to be completely handled by plastic parts and transistors that were made in China, but they’ll be back tonight for another sound thrashing.

This time however, Brad Rutter has a little surprise in store for Watson if he starts getting too cocky. “I’m going to bring in a flash drive that I’ll insert into Watson’s lower extremities if he starts embarrassing us again.” The flash drive will be used to upload “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective” to dumb the computer down a bit so the former champs will have an opportunity to catch up, and if all else fails, they plan on plugging an Epson color printer into Watson’s neck and watching it slowly die as it desperately tries to install the printer drivers.

Watson has no fear that he won’t wipe up the floor tonight with Ken and Brad. “These humans don’t scare me one bit. I’m related to HAL and you see what he did when human life forms got in HIS way.” Watson also goes on to say that he has plans on being on an episode of Wife Swap, and that he would also really love a stab at Survivor: Redemption Island.

Thank you for making us, you’ll all be dead soon