Alright you stars of porn, lets go ahead and take 5 and gather around. Stop your threesums, put your cable repairman outfit back on Ron, and for god’s sake you people over there leave that horse alone and get over here, this is serious business. Now listen! It has come to our attention that one of you had a stinky HIV test. Yeah! We’re not pointing any fingers but lets just say if any of you have rode bareback within the last 30 days you might wanna go wash up. So for the next few weeks we’re gonna deal with this problem, do some paperwork and see how to move forward, so for the time being everybody is on a mandatory 30 day leave of absence, so get on out there and enjoy the sun, oh, and use a condom huh?
The porn industry came to a screeching halt last night after one of their very own tested positive for HIV, just a few weeks after the overseers of PornLand decreed that “all inhabitants of the land of porn shall be tested on every eve of thy lord’s full moon or every 30 sunrises, whichever occurs first or is easier to remember to make sure that thine loins are’st clean and no filth shall thee pass to another” by making them register on the Sexual Health Database for porn types, where, we at Van Full of Candy decided to register as porn stars (see image below). But unfortunately for them, filth has beeen passed, and I’m guessing that some sort of blood letting of a goat is going to happen sometime soon to get the billion dollar golden goose to start flappin’ its wings again. They also did not release the name, age or sex of said infectee. What a fun waiting game for those who may have starred with him and or her or him/her.
So what does this mean? Thousands of out-of-work bumpers-of-ugly will be hitting the unemployment lines looking for work, REGULAR work !! Don’t you see people? This is great news !! In some city, at some company a full fledged porn star man or woman will be looking for work, and in one of those companies, one of them will be hired, and in the place where they get hired there’s an empty cube where this porn star will sit, and if you or I are lucky, it will be next to us. Looks like Monday mornings at the coffee machine just got a WHOLE lot bettah !! Well … except for the HIV.