Jaws

Australia’s Great White Shark Is a Weak Ass Bitch

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Australian scientists uncovered the eyes of a 500 million year old super predator who dominated the oceans and would be considered in today’s standards, the great white shark of noicepolyolithiorianlike times. Now you’re probably wondering what the hell just finding the eyes has any relevance to this great white Australian discovery right? Well it’s because prior to this only the body of the Anomalocaris, which name I neglected to mention earlier, but figured it didn’t matter much because who really gives a shit about the names of dinosaurs, amoebas and state capitals … had been found until the alwayslookingtomaketheircountrylookbetter scientists among others of Australia decided to let this story go to show that this who has the bigger dick contest is still on, but didn’t realize that size really matters.

The eyes, don’t look into they eyes !! The Medusa of predatorial fish, the Anomalocaris had 16,000 lenses in each eye, fives times the amount of the ordinary everyday housefly. This muthafukkin barraccuda could see the muthafukkin future, but one thing it didn’t see was the ice … all that ice that buried it’s oracle ass deep in the mud off the Australian coast. Now here comes the kicker … this megakiller, this “great white shark”, this predator of predators who had no equal measured a killer whale size of a whopping 3 feet in length. Three feet? This is the horrible monster that Australia brags to take on America’s JAWS? Oh, Australia, here’s another kick to the groin, we already have a landshark with eyes that big …

Australia's Great White Shark Is a Weak Ass Bitch

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Australian scientists uncovered the eyes of a 500 million year old super predator who dominated the oceans and would be considered in today’s standards, the great white shark of noicepolyolithiorianlike times. Now you’re probably wondering what the hell just finding the eyes has any relevance to this great white Australian discovery right? Well it’s because prior to this only the body of the Anomalocaris, which name I neglected to mention earlier, but figured it didn’t matter much because who really gives a shit about the names of dinosaurs, amoebas and state capitals … had been found until the alwayslookingtomaketheircountrylookbetter scientists among others of Australia decided to let this story go to show that this who has the bigger dick contest is still on, but didn’t realize that size really matters.

The eyes, don’t look into they eyes !! The Medusa of predatorial fish, the Anomalocaris had 16,000 lenses in each eye, fives times the amount of the ordinary everyday housefly. This muthafukkin barraccuda could see the muthafukkin future, but one thing it didn’t see was the ice … all that ice that buried it’s oracle ass deep in the mud off the Australian coast. Now here comes the kicker … this megakiller, this “great white shark”, this predator of predators who had no equal measured a killer whale size of a whopping 3 feet in length. Three feet? This is the horrible monster that Australia brags to take on America’s JAWS? Oh, Australia, here’s another kick to the groin, we already have a landshark with eyes that big …

Two-Arm Two-Fer Tuesday

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And Thou Shalt Have Two Arms ... Count Them ... Two!!

I’m noticing a very strange and scary trend happening in the world right now, and it’s making me very uncomfortable, as it should you too. As I was watching a rerun of House, the medical show with the guy who has a cane and walks around with a limp, acting all “smarter than thou” and everything he says always perfectly fills his wit quota for the hour and who rides a motorcycle which confuses me because where does one put a cane when one rides a motorcycle(?), but that’s neither here nor there, but his limb being affected strangely has to do with what I’m writing about (which it didn’t on the inception of this blog thought). So, the rerun, I’m assuming it’s a rerun because I don’t actually watch the show on a regular basis as this was MAYBE the third time I have ever seen it, so if it isn’t a rerun please feel free to correct me in the comments below, or if it was, praise me in the comments below, thanks. So I’m just gonna go with “rerun” based on the fact that it was on “rerun’y” kind of channel, and since I only have rabbit ear antennae to watch TV and not cable, I’m going to bet on the higher end that this was a rerun, and the rabbit ear thing goes pretty well with Easter and that wasn’t the intention of mentioning rabbit ears in this blog either, but now realizing that this isn’t even about Easter, go ahead and forget that I made the connection, except for the fact that Easter is only five days away, so … it still works … kinda. So, the rerun, right, sorry. The episode is about a girl who is going to have to lose her arm because of cancer, and as I’m watching it, I start to think about the movie about the guy who fell in a cavern who

Damn you Lord ... NOT JESSICA !!!!!

was played by that guy who really sucked at hosting the award show where they give people gold statues for being in movies. So as I’m watching the show, I realize how upset this girl is in having to lose her arm, and it makes me think, “Wow, I guess losing a limb, arm in particular, would be on the high end of suck. What would I do? Heck, what would Jesus do?” Then I started to realize, hey, they just made a SECOND movie about arm loss where a surfer chick who isn’t played by that one country singer girl who was on that show about people who win recording contracts because they can sing and America votes for them, and that old lady used to be on it who had bad 80’s music videos. Anyway, so this surfer girl gets her arm bitten off by one of those characters that played Jaws in that movie about … Jaws, but even after losing her arm she continues to be a surfer and it’s supposed to be really motivational. So now I’m all worked up because I feel like we’re trying to be told something, by some higher power, or maybe just the movie people, and by something, I mean shit ass scary, and not in the “look what you can

And now even HOTTER!!

overcome” kind of way, but in the the “something wants you to grotesquely lose a limb in some extreme sport” kind of way. And as I sit here and type, I think, what if I really had to lose an arm? Which one would I pick? How could I get this blog done on time? Do you have any idea how long it would take to type all this nonsense with one hand? And would they make a movie about me? “Blogger Boy”, the motivational movie about a typer who loses an arm but continues to type, just slower so his readers have something to … read. I bet they would! But if they didn’t then I would write it, it would just take a whole hell of a lot  longer to finish. So let’s hear it for two arms!! Hooray!!