Finally Science Gets it Right, Introducing: Handjob Bot

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There are many ways to tell when you’ve finally become an unquestioned, dominant global super power. Maybe you’ve dropped a couple nuclear warheads on an enemy, kicked some dirt in their face and asked their quivering corpses, “Now what?!” Perhaps you export all of your worst social trappings to the four corners of the world and poison cultures with dreams of throwing away everything that’s made them special as a people in search of a dream of blue jeans and Coke-a-cola in a bottle. Either one of these are sure fire signs that you’re King Shit and the world needs to get used to the cold hard fact that they’re just going to have to take it for a while. 

Most of the time when a power reaches this level, it takes a while to fully realize just when and where they staked their claim to heavy weight super power status. It’s the kind of thing usually best left to historians to pinpoint years, even decades later. And while I’m no history scientist, I think I can nail down for you right here and now exactly when China announced to the world that they were taking their place as masters of the planet. And it is here:

China is making robots to stick it’s dick in, and there is fuck all we can do about it.

A couple weeks ago at what the Chinese cleverly called a “medical supply expo”, but which I know full well is China’s 4th Annual Invitational Handjob Robot Design Competition, they revealed this year’s winning entry, the “Automated Semen Collector”. Said to be designed for “patients who have trouble getting erect, or feel uneasy with the traditional erotic magazine and plastic cup method of semen collection” and that “this new medical breakthrough may provide some welcome relief.”

I don’t pretend to understand Asian culture and anyone who does is just seeing how long you’ll believe all of the crazy things they’re making up on the spot. In my extensive research on the subject of Japanese sexuality I have discovered that they have a thing for plaid skirts, that no intercourse is consensual or free of tentacles and that their reproductive organs are a cruel jumble of blurry squares. I know very little about Chinese fornication specifically, but based on their development of penis fondling robots, I think it’s safe to say that they are of a similar mind.

"Prime Directive: Yanky Cranky. Secondary Directive: YANKY CRANKY!"
"Prime Directive: Yanky Cranky. Secondary Directive: YANKY CRANKY!"

I get that the Asian culture is very repressed which causes such violently crazy sexual deviance to emerge when you peel back the surface, but I don’t understand how a jerk off machine in a doctor’s office could possibly be a more welcome, less uneasy experience than ogling pixellated school girls and depositing your communist goo in a cup the way America’s god intended it! But I also know that this is just sour grapes from a man who doesn’t have a robot to stroke me off while trying, and failing, to figure out what exactly to do with my hands the entire time. And it’s just made to sound all the hotter when I read the sensual copy that accompanies this Pleasure Nurse:

The patient stands before the machine and puts his penis, flaccid or erect, into the tube-shaped protrusion, whereupon it moves forward and back automatically like a piston. The inside of the tube is lined with a soft silicon material that provides gentle stimulation until ejaculation is reached.

And I know that I personally would be very disappointed if the machine itself did not recite this bit of text over and over until it’s mission had finally been accomplished or the subject tore itself from its grasp, unable to ever stop screaming again. Which ever punned first.

But bigger than national pride or the future of our nation’s economic independence, news of this kind is, I think, the most important reason we need to pay back our debt to China as soon as possible. Just imagine for a second that you had the technology to make robots to jerk you off and someone else had the money you could be spending to make them. Me, in that situation; I’d be super pissed.

So the sooner we get China their money back, the sooner we can get to work on trying to close the gap in this substitute arms race. We’re America damn it, we can do anything we put our minds to and I say to you here and now that by 2021, we can, we will, we MUST put an American made suck bot on every red white and blue penis in this great land of ours! Our time has not yet passed, you hear us China?! Our robots have not yet BEGUN to suck! USA! USA! USA!

Merry Fifth of Shots

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Hey everybody! Looking forward to celebrating the proud Mexican people’s day of Independence!? Well that shit ain’t ’till the middle of September so you’re gonna be dry a long time if that’s what you’re REALLY looking to celebrate. But let’s be honest, that’s not why you’re excited about Cinco de Mayo. We know it’s not why we are. It’s because the fifth of May isn’t about Mexican independence, hell, it’s barely about Mexicans, it’s just another American invented excuse to get shit faced and blame it on the calendar!

Cinco de Mayo is no more about Mexican culture than St. Patrick’s Day is about Irish culture. The both of them are simply about Drinking culture. Which naturally got us to thinking, we’re drunks, we need more excuses for that to be publicly acceptable. And with that in mind Van Full of Candy is proud to present, more vaguely ethnic holiday type events where it’s okay to make a gigantic ass out of yourself in the name of wearing a brightly colored t-shirt proudly exclaiming how you are an ethnicity that you clearly aren’t. For on these days, we are all brothers, we are all drunken Americans!

Gold goin' in and gold goin' out.

April 30th – Casimir the Pole Drunky Day

Poland was established around 700BC, but it wasn’t until the “Piast Dynasty” in 1365 that the first “Polish Joke” was accidentally uttered by Casimir III the Great when he asked “How many damn Poles does it take to polish my scepter?” He got huge laughter from everyone in his royal gold room. So much so that he immediately decreed that to be “the first official Polish joke”. He spake this joke on April 30th, which happened to also be on his birthday, so the celebration is of the birth of the joke and also of the king. The celebration in America consists of wearing one’s favorite red & white apparel in honor of the Polish flag. The drinking aspect of the celebration is all about taking shot upon shot of Goldwasser and coming up with the crudest joke possible until somebody is so offended that a bar fight breaks out. After the brawl everybody hugs and makes up and then throws up.

Smooth, like a Scot's... nothing.
Smooth, like a Scot's... nothing.

September 8th – Sir Wallace’s Day

To coincide with Braveheart’s original UK theatrical release date, we celebrate the life and liver of Sir William Wallace. What surprises me is with as much as the Scots love to drink, how there isn’t already an excuse holiday in their honor. I mean, there’s a drink named after these punch happy, incomprehensible people! That kind of dedication hasn’t been seen on this planet since the nomadic Schnapps tribes of the third century, finally having run out of drink and having to stop to rest their splitting headaches settled upon a plot of land to call their own and changed their name to “Aztec”. So why don’t we have a drinking holiday celebrating their crazy, drunken culture? Is it because most Americans can’t tell the difference between a Scot and a dirty low down swarthy Irishman? Probably, but we’ll teach them how! Paint your face, slur something about how they can take your empty, but they can never take away your freedom to buy another round, fall down and be peed on. We’re all Scottish today laddie!

"Wanted (WANTED!), dead or alive!"
"Wanted (WANTED!), dead or alive!"

December 7th – Super Imbibe Number One Sing Night Go!

Before most people only thought of the Japanese people as dangerously irradiated and damp, they were largely recognized as a quiet, polite, buttoned down people. Of course, they also enjoy the most ridiculous and insane game shows ever devised by asylum inmates, and like their pornography filled with tentacles. The Japanese people are fucking confusing. But one thing is certain, they love Sake. After a hard day at work the Japanese business men will take the train out to the bars, sing karaoke and get absolutely pissed with their bosses. Slobbering drunk and belligerent and then the next day go back into work and resume their quiet work a day roles. The date of Super Imbibe Number One Sing Night Go is an attempt to take back a day that frankly hasn’t lived in infamy for quite some time since most of the Greatest Generation is almost gone by now, and really, it’s for the best, they’ve been making all of the rest of us look kind of shitty for a long time. We’ll feel much better about ourselves and our singing voices as we turn our ties into head bands, belt out some Bon Jovi and celebrate Super Imbibe Number One Sing Night Go! A day that will live in drinkfamy! 

Thai "Cheers Beer" Girls - Best Holiday EVER!!

December 21 – Railroad of Death Day

In the year 1941, Japan really really wanted to get to the Malayan frontier probably to call it their own or shoot some shit up. Regardless of their motive, Thailand happened to be in the way.

The Japanese army did not want to go ALLLLL the way around Thailand to get there so they said “let us cross your land”. They didn’t say please or anything, so the Thai’s took exception to that and said “ummm yeah no”, to which Japan said “WAR!!”. After the entire 8 hours of the war, Thailand said “You know what? we’re done, go ahead and cross. But with one exception. You help us build a railroad across our country.” Japan agreed and sent over 200,000 Asian “helpers” and 60,000 POWs, all of which died in the severe working conditions and the beatings that were given by the Japanese. So to celebrate this, America dresses up in railroad prisoner garb and let themselves get “beat” by the proprieters of each bar they attend on their “Bar Railroad Crawl”. It’s one of the least popular celebrations due to the pain, but is heralded as the best Thai celebration ever. The popular drink for this day is actually comprised of Thai beer and a shot of sake to signify the two countries coming together for their time of mass slave killing, it’s fittingly called “The Railroad Beating”.