Alright every body, hold on to your things which are easily ejected from your person by sudden shock from wholly unbelievable news! Socks, hats, balls and all other comically loose items secured? Alright, you can’t say I didn’t warn you. Here goes…
Drinking booze, makes people want to fuck, stupidly!
I know. I lost nine good pair of work socks when I heard that news and I wasn’t even wearing half of them, they were just blown clean out of my sock drawer by the power of that revelation.
A new Canadian study says specifically that “how much alcohol a person drinks directly affects how likely they are to have unsafe sex”. Now sure, this research is based on twelve vague studies with no real numbers or “facts” backing up anything, and all of these findings are based on the participants of these studies (how ever many there might have been) self reporting their theoretical likelihood of partaking in raw intercourse after tipping back a couple adult beverages. And of course, their loosely assembled findings say that the effect of alcohol on one’s possible knowing abandonment of a baby shield disease prevention sack might be somewhere in the neighborhood of a 3 to 5 percent increase in “I don’t give a fuckitude”, which they immediately tie to how “the role of alcohol consumption and risky sex intentions can be applied to better understanding important public health issues such as the transmission of HIV.”
Now, I’m not a Doctor of Science, and I don’t claim to be. Sure, I like to run around in the lab coat I bought at the flea market and nothing else screaming about how a single injection from my flesh needle will cure what ails ya, but that should never be taken as intended to treat or diagnose any potential illness. I mention the last sentence about “understanding public health issues” almost exclusively because I love the term “risky sex intentions” and for no other reason. The writing in the article in which I found this information is piss poor and mockable on its own, regardless of the content, but every time I see the phrase “risky sex intentions” I can’t help but giggle and take another drink.
The biggest “revelation” in this “research” is the ground breaking finding that “the more alcohol participants consumed, the higher their willingness to engage in unsafe sex”.
“Alcohol is influencing their decision processes,” said a no doubt stunned Jürgen Rehm, director of the Really Long Sciencey Title at, I can only assume, Canada’s Centre for Things We All Pretty Much Already Know.
So let me get this straight. A substance that loosens inhibitions and impares cognitive ability somehow effects how much you think squeezing your reproductive organs into a tight latex sock is a good and important idea? I was unaware that this sort of thing needed researched, but fine, papers have to be written, research budgets have to be spent.
The dumbfounded doctor of the well known later went on to say that:
“Drinking has a causal effect on the likelihood to engage in unsafe sex, and thus should be included as a major factor in preventive efforts for HIV.”
And it’s at this point that I think we need to settle down just a little bit. Now alcohol awareness is a “major factor” in preventing HIV? Really? This study of yours Canadian Umlaut, based on little more than what drunk people say they might do with their drunken parts, is what you’re going to hang your science hat on and call a “major factor in preventative efforts for HIV”? Now, I don’t have HIV (Ladies…) but I know people who do, and I’m pretty certain that a couple drinks isn’t going to make them forget that their dicks are poison. People with a virus as potentially dangerous as this one, if they know they are carrying it, are generally pretty careful about what they put on their appendages and into whom they place them. Of course, I suppose part of the argument could be that it increases the likelihood of those who are unaware that they are infected might pass it unknowingly because booze told them to, but I think this study is being a lot more irresponsible than most infected individuals will be.
I freely admit that there’s probably more to this study than this article, apparently scribbled by a ninth grade english student being chased around his school newspaper class, has shared, so I’m not entirely sure whether I should be blaming poor reporting or poor research for screaming AIDS in a crowded bar. So I guess all I’m saying is this: Booze isn’t the bad guy. The bad guy is the bad guy. Be careful who you insert a part of your body into and vicey versey. Stranger danger extends to the inside of the pants of your new friend. You may have just shared a drink or nine with this nice person, but you don’t know where their moving pieces have been. You’re just meeting them for the first time now, so don’t assume they’ve always been on their best behavior.
Van Full of Candy says, PYP: Protect Your Parts! Because if you don’t, who will?
Alright you stars of porn, lets go ahead and take 5 and gather around. Stop your threesums, put your cable repairman outfit back on Ron, and for god’s sake you people over there leave that horse alone and get over here, this is serious business. Now listen! It has come to our attention that one of you had a stinky HIV test. Yeah! We’re not pointing any fingers but lets just say if any of you have rode bareback within the last 30 days you might wanna go wash up. So for the next few weeks we’re gonna deal with this problem, do some paperwork and see how to move forward, so for the time being everybody is on a mandatory 30 day leave of absence, so get on out there and enjoy the sun, oh, and use a condom huh?
The porn industry came to a screeching halt last night after one of their very own tested positive for HIV, just a few weeks after the overseers of PornLand decreed that “all inhabitants of the land of porn shall be tested on every eve of thy lord’s full moon or every 30 sunrises, whichever occurs first or is easier to remember to make sure that thine loins are’st clean and no filth shall thee pass to another” by making them register on the Sexual Health Database for porn types, where, we at Van Full of Candy decided to register as porn stars (see image below). But unfortunately for them, filth has beeen passed, and I’m guessing that some sort of blood letting of a goat is going to happen sometime soon to get the billion dollar golden goose to start flappin’ its wings again. They also did not release the name, age or sex of said infectee. What a fun waiting game for those who may have starred with him and or her or him/her.
So what does this mean? Thousands of out-of-work bumpers-of-ugly will be hitting the unemployment lines looking for work, REGULAR work !! Don’t you see people? This is great news !! In some city, at some company a full fledged porn star man or woman will be looking for work, and in one of those companies, one of them will be hired, and in the place where they get hired there’s an empty cube where this porn star will sit, and if you or I are lucky, it will be next to us. Looks like Monday mornings at the coffee machine just got a WHOLE lot bettah !! Well … except for the HIV.