Highlander

The Death of Winehouse, Parte the Third: The Resolutioning

Posted on Updated on

A pathologist says Amy Winehouse consumed a “very large quantity of alcohol” prior to her death.

What? Wait, what? No, wait… WHAT?! NO!? WHAT?! Wait, WHAT!?! NO!?

Suhail Baithun has told an inquest into the singer’s’ death that blood and urine samples showed she was 4.5 times over the legal drunk-driving limit.

Are you– But how could– You’re not saying– That isn’t– I was told– WHAT? Wait, WHAT? No!? That can’t possibly– NO!?

WHAT?!

WHAT?! Wait, what? NO!
WHAT?! Wait, what? NO!

In quite possibly THE single most shocking news story that I have ever heard in my eight thousand years of immortality, a professional in the medical field, with what one would assume is some level of training and expertise has apparently found that the reformed Lady Winehouse had “resumed drinking in the days before her death after a period of abstinence.”

BUT THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE!

I was told by “family sources”, whom I trusted implicitly, that our fragile flower was killed by sobriety when she went against doctor’s orders to gradually decrease her alcohol intake from “like air” to “like water” and eventually to “like a normal responsible human being” but instead went cold wild turkey. Her family full of apparent booze scientists were convinced that her lack of spirits was to blame for her “unexpected” demise.

“Family sources”! Who would know better about what killed their family member than a her neglectful, useless family?! I considered the case closed. Clearly she had died due to lack of personality potion. I know the feeling, my liver threatens to shoot my spleen and pistol whips my gal bladder every time I go more than three hours without a flower pot full of vodka.

Then came PROOF INDISPUTABLE that tragelebrity and leathery garbage bag full of fermented juice drinks, Dame Winehouse had been sobered to death! That proof of course came in the form of a complete and utter lack of illegal substances found in what was laughably referred to as her “body”. The initial toxicology results showed absolutely nothing, nada, zilch, ZERO illegal substances in her body, what more proof do you need that she was brutally murdered in a street fight with not drinking?!

SURE, alcohol was “present” in her system, but we detailed exactly how the alcohol found in her system was the work of her own internal organs, so starved for conversation started drops that it began internally brewing and bottling its own Amy Lagger. We were assured by further “family sources” that she simply could not have been killed by alcohol since she hadn’t touched the stuff despite reportedly being seen on a non-stop three day personal liquor reunion tour immediately before her death! Those stories were clearly lies told by liars who lie!

But this is apparently it. The end of life’s last great mysteries. Evidence that the only thing that I have ever in this long, lonely life, believed to be indisputably true, was in fact– Wait! I see it now! Oh my god I’m suck a fool! The apparent confusion and contradiction. The lies and cover ups. The deception! It’s as plain as the drink in your face! Amy Winehouse didn’t die from an over abundance OR utter lack of alcohol. AMY WINEHOUSE ISN’T DEAD AT ALL! I’ve seen this played out so many times, I’ve PLAYED this out so many times, I can’t believe I didn’t see it before. Over eight thousand years on this planet, you live many lives, pass in and out of the lives of so many fragile mortals. That’s it, don’t you see!?

Finally Amy, we see each other plain!
Finally Amy, we see each other plain!

Amy Winehouse is a Highlander!

Usually people like Amy and I are able to shed our past lives quietly, simply, typically leaving only a few loved ones behind when we can no longer live the lie that would eventually put them through so much pain. But in some cases, our “escape” is so much more public and baffling. This is exactly how it happened when I was Elvis.

Oh Amy, sweet Amy. I understand now, I get it. The sadness, the self destructive tendencies. But alcohol will not kill us Amy. Only we can do that. I will meet you some day in battle, Amelia of the House of Wine, and my blade will grant you the freedom you so desperately seek.

There can be only one.

Apple unveils “iLand”: You’re All Going to Die Here

Posted on

Steve Jobs is building a 150 acre compound in Cupertino California to house his 12,000 iTroops for the coming Applegeddon, and there’s precisely not a single damned thing that you or any god being to which you have pledged your eternal soul can do about it.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing people that getting a discount by signing a two year contract agreement was ever a discount at all…

"I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world, Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take."
“I’m a new soul, I came to this strange world, Hoping I could learn a bit ’bout how to give and take.”

“iLand” as it will have come to be known to the scattered future rebels fighters of “iYear 41”, has been presented to the Cupertino City Council as a new state of the art, environmentally friendly, self sufficient headquarters for Apple Inc. and in a city like Cupertino, where the only form of entertainment is sitting around and watching each other slowly die, this is surely spectacular news.

The plan is being welcomed with open arms by the Mayor, Gilbert Wong, who after being unplugged and booted up said in a statement that Cupertino is excited that Apple is moving forward with a new campus. “We know that we will be looking at a state-of-the-art facility and all the challenges and opportunities that go along with that,” the Wong mark IV transmitted to media outlets via his built in wireless Airport card before once again powering down and being plugged back into the wall. 

The Tron data disk shaped building sitting on 150 acres of land (that Emperor Jobs absorbed into his own essence after beheading Bill Hewlett and David Packard in a mountain top sword fight filled with lightning and magic) will be four stories tall, with an additional four floors of subterranean “parking” and will be able to generate it’s own power. “I think what we’re going to end up doing is making the energy center our primary source of power, because we can generate power with natural gas and other ways that can be cleaner and cheaper, and use the grid as our backup,” Jobs said.

When asked why the Emperor chose to use air quotes when referring to the lower levels as “parking” he told the petulant upstart council member that he would “see for himself” before firing his Matter Disassembler eye beam iBeams, seemingly vaporizing the man in question and filling the otherwise silent council chambers with his thunderous, mirthless laughter.

“It’s a little like a spaceship landed.” Jobs joked about the proposed design to the council, eliciting a mandatory response of howling laughter from the remaining un-banished council members at the prodding of the Emperor’s elite guard. Like a “spaceship” has “landed”, why, such a notion couldn’t be further from the truth! Spaceships are the thing of fantasy and children’s stories. Sure, it has the look of a space craft from science fiction, but that’s simply because the Emperor, in his limitless wisdom and flair for dramatic, poignant imagery has simply chosen a figure which represents the endless, seamless shape of the infinite, while at the same time, in employing a design with no corners he is emphasizing to his enemies that there are no corners where you can hide, no shadows to protect you from his all seeing gaze. Spaceship? That makes him laugh every time.

In fact, what the Jobs has here is not a vehicle in which to travel through space at all but instead a transdimentional focal singularity generator to bring space to him. It is a bridge, as it were, to all known realities, from which Emperor Jobs can launch his troops on endless conquests of the infinity of potential dimensional planes. And it certainly hasn’t “landed”, that’s just preposterous. No, it’s actually been there for decades. Only now as its construction has been completed in the “Void-Space” between dimensions will the new headquarters begin phasing into this plane of existence. See, nothing so fantastical as “a spaceship landed”.

Plans are expected to be submitted to and approved by the Apple implanted iPoliticians on the Cupertino City Council by 2012 and iLand is expected to fully materialize on this plane of existence and be ready for stage seven of Apple’s trans-galactic conquest operation by sometime in 2015.

Of course the new iLand 2, which will be 13% larger, only two stories thick and fully equipped with an extra 3.8 million cameras is expected to be completed six months later.

Apple unveils "iLand": You're All Going to Die Here

Posted on

Steve Jobs is building a 150 acre compound in Cupertino California to house his 12,000 iTroops for the coming Applegeddon, and there’s precisely not a single damned thing that you or any god being to which you have pledged your eternal soul can do about it.

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing people that getting a discount by signing a two year contract agreement was ever a discount at all…

"I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world, Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take."
“I’m a new soul, I came to this strange world, Hoping I could learn a bit ’bout how to give and take.”

“iLand” as it will have come to be known to the scattered future rebels fighters of “iYear 41”, has been presented to the Cupertino City Council as a new state of the art, environmentally friendly, self sufficient headquarters for Apple Inc. and in a city like Cupertino, where the only form of entertainment is sitting around and watching each other slowly die, this is surely spectacular news.

The plan is being welcomed with open arms by the Mayor, Gilbert Wong, who after being unplugged and booted up said in a statement that Cupertino is excited that Apple is moving forward with a new campus. “We know that we will be looking at a state-of-the-art facility and all the challenges and opportunities that go along with that,” the Wong mark IV transmitted to media outlets via his built in wireless Airport card before once again powering down and being plugged back into the wall. 

The Tron data disk shaped building sitting on 150 acres of land (that Emperor Jobs absorbed into his own essence after beheading Bill Hewlett and David Packard in a mountain top sword fight filled with lightning and magic) will be four stories tall, with an additional four floors of subterranean “parking” and will be able to generate it’s own power. “I think what we’re going to end up doing is making the energy center our primary source of power, because we can generate power with natural gas and other ways that can be cleaner and cheaper, and use the grid as our backup,” Jobs said.

When asked why the Emperor chose to use air quotes when referring to the lower levels as “parking” he told the petulant upstart council member that he would “see for himself” before firing his Matter Disassembler eye beam iBeams, seemingly vaporizing the man in question and filling the otherwise silent council chambers with his thunderous, mirthless laughter.

“It’s a little like a spaceship landed.” Jobs joked about the proposed design to the council, eliciting a mandatory response of howling laughter from the remaining un-banished council members at the prodding of the Emperor’s elite guard. Like a “spaceship” has “landed”, why, such a notion couldn’t be further from the truth! Spaceships are the thing of fantasy and children’s stories. Sure, it has the look of a space craft from science fiction, but that’s simply because the Emperor, in his limitless wisdom and flair for dramatic, poignant imagery has simply chosen a figure which represents the endless, seamless shape of the infinite, while at the same time, in employing a design with no corners he is emphasizing to his enemies that there are no corners where you can hide, no shadows to protect you from his all seeing gaze. Spaceship? That makes him laugh every time.

In fact, what the Jobs has here is not a vehicle in which to travel through space at all but instead a transdimentional focal singularity generator to bring space to him. It is a bridge, as it were, to all known realities, from which Emperor Jobs can launch his troops on endless conquests of the infinity of potential dimensional planes. And it certainly hasn’t “landed”, that’s just preposterous. No, it’s actually been there for decades. Only now as its construction has been completed in the “Void-Space” between dimensions will the new headquarters begin phasing into this plane of existence. See, nothing so fantastical as “a spaceship landed”.

Plans are expected to be submitted to and approved by the Apple implanted iPoliticians on the Cupertino City Council by 2012 and iLand is expected to fully materialize on this plane of existence and be ready for stage seven of Apple’s trans-galactic conquest operation by sometime in 2015.

Of course the new iLand 2, which will be 13% larger, only two stories thick and fully equipped with an extra 3.8 million cameras is expected to be completed six months later.

The Things We Do For Love

Posted on

Love. It’ll make you do crazy things. Like, spell out your crush’s name in alphabet soup and text them a picture of it. Maybe hide little love notes in the Sunday classifieds. Or, if you’re really in love, cut off your beloved’s head in front of a school full of people fully not intending to be covered in neck juices today.

I read a lot of headlines when trying to come up with what I’m going to write about in a given day. Here at Van Full of Candy we do an article a day, rain or shine, every week day, without fail. That’s our promise, to you, the viewer. Sometimes the news is boring and it’s difficult to choose what to write about. I personally can only scream about my distrust of space and my legally frowned upon love of Justin Bieber so many times before I start attracting unwanted attention from swarthy, beautiful, Bieber Saucers from beyond the stars. And not again I say.

But scanning the news this afternoon I came upon this story: apparently a man in India beheaded a woman as she was leaving her classroom Wednesday.

"I am GOD here, my cud is final!"
"I am GOD here, my cud is final!"

Now, before we get into this, let me just say that I am in no way making light of the loss of life here. This is a horrible thing, without question and this lunatic should be dealt with in the most severe way that Indian courts allow. Which I assume is to feed him to a cow, if I understand my Indian culture correctly, which I almost certainly do not. Now with that out of the way, let me get back to the hahas.

The headline calls this man “lovesick”, which I can only assume is the nicest possible way the AP copy editor can phrase “batshit insane”. Apparently his main, discernible motivation, according to the police was that he so loved this woman that he had by now brutally murdered in one of the most violent and deliberate ways which one can murder another individual, but her parents would not allow them to marry. So naturally, he had to Highlander her. I don’t think you can in good conscience call a guy who bisects his love interest’s head from their body “lovesick” unless while in prison he is clinically diagnosed with a love sickness which causes the infected individual to believe that the removal of vital segments of the human body is the ultimate expression of emotional love for another not long living individual. So how about we not cutesy it up, ay Associated Press?

When flowers just won't do, say "I love you" with a Khykri.
When flowers just won't do, say "I love you" with a Khykri.

Elsewhere in the brief article the “writer” goes on to say that the swordsman was arrested “on suspicion” of killing the victim and that he “allegedly” attacked her with a ceremonial curved weapon called a khykri. Now, I understand that in America we have to use certain words when describing the actions and perpetrator of said actions because of how our news media and justice system like to fuck with each other. But when you have a gentleman, holding a sword, next to a body with a now detached head that, in all likely hood, did not have that as a standard feature moments before, surrounded by blood soaked students, holding onto this lunatic until police could arrive, and who is now explaining to the police that he had ALSO intended to kill himself, I think it’s fairly safe to drop any sort of lingering suspicion as to whether or not he’s responsible for the untimely weight loss of the student at our feet.

But along with these questions I have of the lax hiring practices at the Associated Press, when I read something like this, I can’t help but have dozens of other, admittedly sort of morbid, but still I think valid questions, come to mind. How, for instance, this guy was just able to waltz onto this campus, what ever size it was, with a ceremonial knife and slicin’ on his mind. I realize this isn’t metal detector high school like we have here in America, but still, a guy with a special blade should draw some kind of attention. Or how this guy running around the halls with a commemorative sword was able to walk right up to this woman and just take her head for a ride BEFORE anyone thought it might be a good idea to make sure she was expecting a meeting between her throat and his simitar. OR, and this is the biggie, as the story simply says “Authorities say the blade sliced her head off and she died instantly” how the fuck the particulars of this case exactly went down. When I think beheading I think of a long drawn out process involving a sawing like motion. I don’t generally think Kill Bill style, slow motion mid air head flipping following one swift, dramatic stroke. Granted, I haven’t seen a lot of beheadings lately, so maybe I’m not the expect on how tenaciously the spine clings to the brain stem, but I expected those bones in our neck were there for more than just show.

You know what, I don’t know what to think about any of this or even why I think it. I just know that clearly, I’ve never truly loved in what I generously call my “life” because not once have I ever entertained the thought of making something six inches shorter because I was told I couldn’t have it… Maybe I just don’t know how to love hard enough.