Family

British "Man" Gives Birth: Lose Your Fucking Mind and Hate Him!

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We live in an amazing, Technicolor, sci-fi world. A world where you can almost literally be anything you want. I mean, you can’t actually be, say, a cat or a polar bear. But you can dress up like them and fuck other people dressed up like zebras and mice, which is basically all you would want out of that kind of life anyway. So, no, you can’t actually be anything you want, modern science hasn’t quite gotten us THAT far, but say you’re a woman and you don’t like that, you can be a man. Then say, you’re a man now, but you want to be a mommy. “Tough shit” you say? “You made your penis and now you have to lie on it!” Well that’s where you’re wrong gender Nazi! Now you can have your masculinity and your mother’s day too!

Wait, follow me here: A man in England, who was a woman in England is now a mom… dad… in England.

Why is this news I hear you asking? People push smaller people out of the appropriate organs every day, what makes this special? Well I’ll tell you. It’s a freak! Look and point at the freak thing doing a freak thing that makes us uncomfortable! Any time anyone different does something normal, people shit their pants.

What grabs the attention initially is “Man has baby” which is not true. A man did not have a baby. Let’s get that straight. A woman, now identifying them self as a man after surgeries and hormone treatments, who looks very much like a human man as long as he’s wearing pants but who still possesses working lady innards, had a baby. Now I’m not saying that he isn’t a man now or maybe wasn’t all his life and now just externally matches the person he was all along internally. What I’m saying is that this is not a person born a man, with male baby making mechanics, giving birth to a child. This is a biological woman with all of the inner workings as such, doing what those things do. So cut it out with “Man Has Baby! Holy Fuck!”… You’re not helping.

Cut it our y'all, I'm all powerful. Fer serious!
Cut it our y'all, I'm all powerful. Fer serious!

But even then, that’s STILL not the real reason anyone is taking notice of this. It grabs the attention sure, but once someone reads “man with left over lady parts” they understand that a miracle has not occurred. And maybe that’s part of the problem. Maybe it would be better if it WERE miraculous. ‘Cause there’s no other reason that the news that somebody with the appropriate parts (the very same that God done gived ’em to make it possible) having a baby should be a big thing to anyone, except of course, you know; God.

It seems, for an all knowing, all powerful, omnipotent creator of everything everywhere ever, this “God” fellah sure seems to get his mighty will gone against an awful lot. Fortunately there are plenty of defenders of this flimsy excuse for a deity ready to call these disgusting perverts who have had babies the way they were designed to, monsters who have destroyed any chance of happiness for the people they just made.

“We have to sit up and consider these things,” Busy body, Josephine Quintavalle, of ‘Comment on Reproductive Ethics’ said when no one asked. “I don’t think it is in the interests of the child to distort nature this way. We are prepared to do anything possible to fulfill the rights of the adult. But I think it is at the expense and rights and welfare of the child.”

She went on to say that “there needs to be a proper inquiry in to the issues surrounding these births.”

To which I can’t help but wonder: why?

A person with ovaries walks into a doctor’s office and asks for help in creating another human being who may or may not also own a set of ovaries, depending on the whimsical fancy of an invisible sky grandpa. The doctor gives the womb owner magic lady juices to make their parts more baby ready. Some time later, usually a couple score months and then some, VIOLA! Baby!

What makes one baby maker less ethically acceptable than another? A beard? Because a good amount of lady ladies have facial hair problems, this one just seems to be more comfortable with it. What makes the soft, smooth mother with fertility assistance more fit to mother than the gruff, less traditional mother? If this man woman had perhaps had a dozen children and a reality show, would the ethics then be less of a sticky wicket?

Trevor Stammers, director of medical ethics at St Mary’s University College, London, said: “You are hardly going to end up with a baby that’s going to have a happy, productive and optimal childhood.”

Now you’re just being a dick Trevor Stammers, director of medical ethics at St. Mary’s University College, London. And I fucking assume it’s a college if it has “University” in the name you redundant cunt.

Is that a beer gut or do you just have a secret womb destroying God and family?
Is that a beer gut or do you just have a secret womb destroying God and family?

What “Mr.” Stammers is saying, is that this horrible, selfish person, who bore this child solely to mock creation and “Mr.” Stammers’ basic belief system, has damned this child to an unhappy, unproductive, unoptimal childhood. Because this person decided that they more associated with manliness than ladyliness, but still wanted to have a child with the equipment that they were given, they are somehow unfit to raise a child in anything but a hellish state of Godless confusion.

OR, Mr. Stammers is a fucking hateful douche who’s own carefully shaped world view, molded by a pretty mommy with boobies and makeup, is a living example that how frilly your mom is don’t really dictate your potential future seething unhappiness.

Love is love people. And doesn’t it stand to reason that someone who loves them self more due to choices they’ve made to re-shape their lives, will likely be able to bestow upon their child a pretty solid level of unreserved love. It seems a family with this sort of base will likely be hindered less by judgement and shame, except of course for all of the judgement and shame heaped upon them by the outside world who’s been taught by good, wholesome families to judge and shame.

Read your own books folks. This flawless lord of yours told you to love. That message seems to be pushed aside by your searching out reasons where you think your book tells you to hate and justifications for why you do. But I’ll take a thousand dickless dads over a single nuclear family that says man mom is wrong to bring a child into the world because his life choice makes them feel icky.

VFoC’s Guide To Effective Pistolwhipping (Succeeding in Daily Life)

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No uncle Joe, I won't pass the mashed potatoes.

“Oh fuck what just happened? I have this strange pain throbbing in my forehead area, but my eyes are open and everything is black and it smells like exhaust, where the fuck am I?” … You’re in the trunk of a car you stupid bitch-ass-bitch, and if you’re there, you probably deserve it.

Don’t worry dear reader, this will never happen to you because of the simple fact that you are reading this article and you will be so well informed that the aforementioned sentence will only happen to those that you decide it will happen to. Pistolwhipping, it’s the new “timeout” for kids, the new “Whaa? I don’t deserve a raise?” and how we go about taking care of business, and other loved ones when they step the F out of place.

Extreme you say? Well yeah, perhaps. But this is the new way we handle things in this recession. What do you think happened in the great depression? Probably things way worse than a simple little smack to the face with some metal, and that’s why it was a depression, but people, sure it’s been 4+ years but it’s still only a god-damn pistolwhipping recession, so for those of you who think spankings are extreme and leaving a loved one for some hanky-panky outside your relationship is in order, well maybe you should look away, but for those of you who want to earn some real respect, read on …

Scenario #1: Loud Mouth Annoying Mutha Fuckin’ Co-Worker

If you’re lucky enough to still have a job in this Post-Apocolyptic-Bush-Jr-Economy then you probably have to spend more than half your life in an office … an office that sucks the ever-loving life straight out your nostrils in the form of steam or dry-ice (for visual effect). And you spend it with a person who talks too loud and laughs like a whiskey sucking cigarette smoker, who cooks fish in the microwave just before you heat up your leftovers and engages you in small talk and inappropriate jokes every time you pass by their cubicle. What can you do? Report them to HR? Complain about them to management? With what results? None !! Period !! Ever !! No, none of that “official” shit works. You reach for your 9mm Glock and you pull it out of your tucked in Docker’s or skirt, and right as they tell the punchline to “what’s the difference between a hooker and root canal”, you pistolwhip the shit out of that loud mouth pile of shit. Problem … solved. Time for lunch … and you clock out for an hour … with a smile on your face.

Scenario #2: That Person Who Seems To Be Filing Their Taxes and Legally Changing Their First Name at the ATM In Front of You

All I need to do is run to the ATM and deposit this check and pull out $20 as fast as possible so I can get to little Johnny’s daycare and pick him up before I start getting charged $1/minute for being late. You know the deal … you park your car, you jump out and run up to the only machine that’s working and there she is, that F’ing lady … the one who hasn’t been in front of anything technologically electronic since the last time she was on a drawbridge. There she is, writing a check with a ballpoint pen, licking the envelope, reopening the envelope to double check that her transaction is accurate, then dropping the pen on the ground, looking around for it, filling out a new … PISTOLWHIP !! Problem solved … you fucking cunt!!

Scenario #3: The Person Who Doesn’t Think That Signaling To Change Lanes is Necessary

Pull up next to them at the next red light, pull off a Chinese Fire Drill and pistol whip that mutha fucka in the mouth, hop in your car and continue on your way to the mall.

Scenario #4: Any Family Member at Thanksgiving Dinner

Bamm!! Any of them, at any time, because they all deserve it !!

Scenario #5: Your Kids or Other’s Kids

Self explanitory … you’re forgiven .. it’s legal in our eyes.

VFoC's Guide To Effective Pistolwhipping (Succeeding in Daily Life)

Posted on

No uncle Joe, I won't pass the mashed potatoes.

“Oh fuck what just happened? I have this strange pain throbbing in my forehead area, but my eyes are open and everything is black and it smells like exhaust, where the fuck am I?” … You’re in the trunk of a car you stupid bitch-ass-bitch, and if you’re there, you probably deserve it.

Don’t worry dear reader, this will never happen to you because of the simple fact that you are reading this article and you will be so well informed that the aforementioned sentence will only happen to those that you decide it will happen to. Pistolwhipping, it’s the new “timeout” for kids, the new “Whaa? I don’t deserve a raise?” and how we go about taking care of business, and other loved ones when they step the F out of place.

Extreme you say? Well yeah, perhaps. But this is the new way we handle things in this recession. What do you think happened in the great depression? Probably things way worse than a simple little smack to the face with some metal, and that’s why it was a depression, but people, sure it’s been 4+ years but it’s still only a god-damn pistolwhipping recession, so for those of you who think spankings are extreme and leaving a loved one for some hanky-panky outside your relationship is in order, well maybe you should look away, but for those of you who want to earn some real respect, read on …

Scenario #1: Loud Mouth Annoying Mutha Fuckin’ Co-Worker

If you’re lucky enough to still have a job in this Post-Apocolyptic-Bush-Jr-Economy then you probably have to spend more than half your life in an office … an office that sucks the ever-loving life straight out your nostrils in the form of steam or dry-ice (for visual effect). And you spend it with a person who talks too loud and laughs like a whiskey sucking cigarette smoker, who cooks fish in the microwave just before you heat up your leftovers and engages you in small talk and inappropriate jokes every time you pass by their cubicle. What can you do? Report them to HR? Complain about them to management? With what results? None !! Period !! Ever !! No, none of that “official” shit works. You reach for your 9mm Glock and you pull it out of your tucked in Docker’s or skirt, and right as they tell the punchline to “what’s the difference between a hooker and root canal”, you pistolwhip the shit out of that loud mouth pile of shit. Problem … solved. Time for lunch … and you clock out for an hour … with a smile on your face.

Scenario #2: That Person Who Seems To Be Filing Their Taxes and Legally Changing Their First Name at the ATM In Front of You

All I need to do is run to the ATM and deposit this check and pull out $20 as fast as possible so I can get to little Johnny’s daycare and pick him up before I start getting charged $1/minute for being late. You know the deal … you park your car, you jump out and run up to the only machine that’s working and there she is, that F’ing lady … the one who hasn’t been in front of anything technologically electronic since the last time she was on a drawbridge. There she is, writing a check with a ballpoint pen, licking the envelope, reopening the envelope to double check that her transaction is accurate, then dropping the pen on the ground, looking around for it, filling out a new … PISTOLWHIP !! Problem solved … you fucking cunt!!

Scenario #3: The Person Who Doesn’t Think That Signaling To Change Lanes is Necessary

Pull up next to them at the next red light, pull off a Chinese Fire Drill and pistol whip that mutha fucka in the mouth, hop in your car and continue on your way to the mall.

Scenario #4: Any Family Member at Thanksgiving Dinner

Bamm!! Any of them, at any time, because they all deserve it !!

Scenario #5: Your Kids or Other’s Kids

Self explanitory … you’re forgiven .. it’s legal in our eyes.

Amy Winehouse: Sobered to Death!

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What is the only thing more dangerous than washing down a quart of vodka with a gallon of gin? NOT doing that exact thing.

Fully topped off with "Star Fuel" and ready to rock it out!
Fully topped off with "Star Fuel" and ready to rock it out!

Amy Winehouse, VOICE of a TENTH of a generation and general pile of human mess, did not die as a result of the excesses of a lifestyle that made her biggest hit so ironic and adorable. She was MURDERED by SOBRIETY! CAPITAL LETTERS EXCLAMATION POINT!

According to “family sources” the shock to her body of not being pickled in delicious alcoholic beverages was just too much for it to bear, and after sucking every possible drop of life giving booze from every tissue in what was left of her musculature, her addled frame simply seized, unable to handle being separated from the only form of liquid inside it and tragically took the life of our precious, precious flower. To try to give you an example of what to compare this to, just imagine a car without oil, a Hybrid without hippie urine, or a Sheen not filled with Tigers,

You see, the family is saying that despite reports of Amy indulging in a 72 hour drink-a-thon prior to her “surprising” death, that the real reason for her demise is that she’s a stupid fuck. Their words, not mine. See she was supposedly instructed to gradually decrease her alcohol intake from “Norse Myth” levels to “Roman Orgy” levels and so on down the drunken scale, to carefully reduce the levels of fun in her body. And the woman that said “No, no, no.” to previous offers of assistance (according to FAMILY MEMBERS) told medical professionals that it’s all of nothing. She either never stops drinking or she never stops never drinking. And her family’s well reasoned hypothesis is that the sudden halt of personality swallows was too much of a shock to a self ravaged system.

And really, their “logic” is hard to argue. Alcohol is, after all, one of the essential building blocks of life. The human celebrity is composed of 62% alcohol, with the remaining 38% comprised of mainly amphetamines, opiates, cannabis and an over inflated sense of self worth and misguided feeling of invincibility. Exact amounts vary on a case by case basis. So asking a celebriwreck to abstain from alcoholic consumption, is tantamount to telling the Earth to go fuck it’s oceans. And then where would this fine planet of ours be? A shriveled, brown, husk of it’s former glory. Just like Amy Winehouse.

Satellite photograph of Mrs. Winehouse hours before her time of death...
Satellite photograph of Mrs. Winehouse hours before her time of death...

Now again, just to be perfectly clear, that’s not ME saying that; that’s “family sources”. I would never say such things, because I’m mostly not a lunatic. But I’m also not an alcohol doctor, so I don’t know, it may be entirely possible that suddenly stopping killing yourself could kill yourself. I’m not qualified to say one way or the other. The same way I’m not qualified to say that Amy Winehouse was a liquor fueled zombie who cruelly had her life source yanked away from her by “professionals” and “people who cared for her well being”, causing her to dry up like a neglected tin man, before falling over, shattering into a cloud of crusty, dehydrated slivers and being blown away on the breeze like a Spider-Man villain. That’s not for me to say, that’s for HER OWN FAMILY (according to a “source”) to say, which they have, in not so many words…

So what have we learned then from this brave, flimsy song drinker? Hmm? Well, we’ve learned that if you have flushed your system of all vital fluids and replaced them with 300 proof drinky fun times, apparently it’s better to quit gradually, allowing your body the opportunity to replenish your juices as the fermented happy liquids fighting the endless struggle of keeping you upright while simultaneously trying to knock you down, are being drained.

Secondly, if you have a family who in interview after interview kept telling who ever would ask them “It’s not a matter of if she’s going to die young and tragically, but when. If only there were something that I could do, because I apparently care ever so much, but alas, there isn’t.” and you expect them to have any sort of rational reaction to the “sudden” and “unexpected” news of their relative passing, then you’re going to wind up with them blaming not being shot with bullets as the most likely cause of sudden acute deadness.

And third, and I think most importantly: as long as you keep drinking, you will never die. So pour me another glass of immortality juice and let’s party like if we ever stop it’ll kill us!