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Defenders of Sexy Teachers

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I'm a little affraid of a teacher named "Miss Johnson"s potential "pop quiz".
I'm a little affraid of a teacher named "Miss Johnson"s potential "pop quiz".

It’s no secret that Van Full of Candy is a supporter of hot teachers.  It’s a brave, bold stance that we have long taken when ever a poor, misunderstood educator is arrested for doing things that we wish had been done to us in school. Of course we couldn’t possibly defend EVERY apple polishing head mistress every time we heard about another one getting carted away. That would become a full time job, a naughty, dirty, naughty, sexy, naughty full time job. Don’t get us wrong now, we fully understand that people being charged with the task of learnin’ yer kids should not be engaging in the befouling of the under aged. That’s wrong in almost every state, and to varying degrees depending on posted age limits in the other blue, orange and green shaded globe blobs that we are told are “other countries”. Which is why today’s attack on sexy teachers has us in such a tizzy.

Brittni Nicole Colleps is a small town Texas girl, a first year English teacher and coach of the Freshman girls’ basketball team– Hey! No silly, pull those pants back up, I didn’t just read that out of a letter to Penthouse, this is fer realzies. Not to imply that Penthouse letters’ authenticity should ever be questioned, I’m not saying that. Each and ever account of steamy escapades reported in that fine publication of note is rigorously fact checked by hand. That is my guarantee to you, the reader.

So Mrs. Colleps teaches Englishes and Basketballery at Kennedale High, a suburban North Texas school near Arlington. She is a mother of three and is married to a no doubt very brave fighting man serving over seas. And when she’s not stressing verb conjugation or an ankle crackin’ cross over, she likes to have as many students as she can count on one hand over for a nice, fun and informative “after school special”. Now before you get all indignant and finger pointy at us and our condoning of this horrible crime against children, let me tell YOU a little something. Each of these five students with which Mrs. Colleps is alleged to have simultaneously banged were all 18 years of age. So there, don’t you feel silly for assuming the worst in this story of teacher student group sexcapades!

Unfortunately her facebook profile seems to be down, otherwise we'd be besties.
Unfortunately her facebook profile seems to be down, otherwise we'd be besties.

So then the natural question is, “Crime wha huh?” That’s certainly what came to MY mind somewhere deep in the list of things that came to mind when first hearing about this story. Usually it goes without saying that a teacher/student romance is bound to somehow involve underagedy. But it seems that proper carding was done in this case and no harm no foul, you’re free to go Mrs. Colleps, we’ll just keep these texted pictures and the camera phone video footage we found on one of the boy’s pocket telephonic devices, you know, for safe keeping and we apologize for any misunderstanding. There was no crime committed here. This was simply good natured hi-jinx between six consenting adults. This is only a crime because the law says it’s a crime. Which I guess makes it a crime…

It seems in Texas, as well as probably a few other places that I’m too lazy to research, even if your students are all sumptuous and otherwise legal in the eyes of god and whom ever, if you’re teaching them either the fundamentals of the English language or of a sound bounce pass, you are not allowed to also guide them in the ways of love and the making thereof. So while I’m sure Mrs. Colleps thought she had all her bases covered, making extra special sure that all of her starting lineup of hot senior studs was all of legal humping age so as not to run into any potential snags that might result in her soldier husband or their three offspring learning of her need for a pentagon of dong, unfortunately Texas forbids teachers from taking home school supplies.

But let’s be fair to the lovely Mrs. Colleps, she’s teaching in a school in Kennedale, a town of 7300. The school itself has a sexy, orgy worthy student body of 3200. She’s new in a town where almost 40% of the population goes to where she works and her husband is off selfishly fighting in some kind of war or another. She has needs, she apparently has LOTS of needs. What is this poor woman supposed to do!?

Sadly, it seems that this love story ends as most do, in jealousy. You see, when you exchange dirty text messages and swap digital photography of your genitalia with another individual, you expect that you have a special connection with those genitals. That’s what Mrs. Colleps’ first boy seemed to believe. After what history books would no doubt declare the most romantic courtship in the history of recorded time, Mrs. Colleps allegedly invited her young, BUT NOT TOO YOUNG, suitor to her home where they got to see first hand, what the small screens of their phones had only hinted at. They made love, mad, passionate love, which in another text Brittni (I feel she would want me to call her Brittni, even if I hate that she spells it with an “i” at the end which, for an English teacher I feel hurts her credibility just a little) said they “had fun” and invited him back for another round of hide the ruler. But when her one and only shower up this time, he found that he was going to be waiting in line and apparently that hurt his little feelings. So rather than sharing, which all of us should have learned at some point in our lives, this sobbing little baby had to ruin it for everybody!

I feel like at this point I need to reiterate that I am in no way condoning anyone’s actions in this act of love, I am merely discondoning the selfish actions of one individual. And now this caring, GIVING, young lady is being charged with five counts of having an inappropriate relationship between a student and teacher, a second degree felony and is facing between two to twenty years per count! Is this really a punishment befitting this “crime”. Especially when this supposed crime is, in the opinion of this non-lawyer, fucking bullshit. The only crime here is loving too much, and if that’s a crime then you can lock me up in a cell with Mrs. Colleps, a camera phone and four of our best friends who have a better working understanding of what a good thing they’ve got and we can be criminals together.

The defense rests, in between sessions of committing more of these heinous “crimes”!

VFoC's 2011 Van Haiku Contest Finalists!

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After two grueling weeks of intense poetring, we have our finalists! But a funny thing happened on the way to compiling our finalists. Originally we stated that we would pick our two 5 favorite Haiku and present them to you, the Van going public to vote upon and choose our winner. Then we took a look at the facebook discussion where all entrys were supposed to be submitted to be considered official for the purposes of this contest (read the very clearly laid out rules carefully you candy chewing poeteers) and we found we had a nice, round, ten entrants. Now, the total number of poems was slightly more as some submitted multiple micro bursts of genius, so we decided, take our favorite of the multiple entrants and make it a top ten list of finalists so that everyone who participated can have a chance to be voted on. Also that would drive twice as many participants worth of friends to the site! More people sucked into the whirling vortex of that opened Van door!

But this is, of course, about you…

We had some fantastic entrants and now it’s time for YOU, the viewer, to decide which shall be featured on our vasty many webbed sites and pagies scattered about the webscape, and perhaps more importantly, receive our hand picked, over stuffed van styled box of delicious candies!

So vote, tell your friends to vote, tell them to tell THEIR friends to vote. You gotta want it. Make us have to pay for a Poll Daddy annual membership because you vote too much! The fate of the 2011 VFoC Van Haiku Contest entrants are now in YOUR hands! DEMOCRACY!

(And before you say so, we understand that some might interpret Jess Frank’s Haiku as being less than 17 syllables, and an argument certainly can be made. But I prefer to read it with an over exagerated enunciation of the word “delicious”, which nearly eliminates it by having too MANY syllables, so it’s a grey area that we choose to allow. If you don’t like that, have your own Haiku contest…)

Voting will end exactly one (1) week from the posting of this poll, so, let’s say 11:30 am, April 18th. Aaaaand… Vote!

VFoC’s 2011 Van Haiku Contest Finalists!

Posted on Updated on

After two grueling weeks of intense poetring, we have our finalists! But a funny thing happened on the way to compiling our finalists. Originally we stated that we would pick our two 5 favorite Haiku and present them to you, the Van going public to vote upon and choose our winner. Then we took a look at the facebook discussion where all entrys were supposed to be submitted to be considered official for the purposes of this contest (read the very clearly laid out rules carefully you candy chewing poeteers) and we found we had a nice, round, ten entrants. Now, the total number of poems was slightly more as some submitted multiple micro bursts of genius, so we decided, take our favorite of the multiple entrants and make it a top ten list of finalists so that everyone who participated can have a chance to be voted on. Also that would drive twice as many participants worth of friends to the site! More people sucked into the whirling vortex of that opened Van door!

But this is, of course, about you…

We had some fantastic entrants and now it’s time for YOU, the viewer, to decide which shall be featured on our vasty many webbed sites and pagies scattered about the webscape, and perhaps more importantly, receive our hand picked, over stuffed van styled box of delicious candies!

So vote, tell your friends to vote, tell them to tell THEIR friends to vote. You gotta want it. Make us have to pay for a Poll Daddy annual membership because you vote too much! The fate of the 2011 VFoC Van Haiku Contest entrants are now in YOUR hands! DEMOCRACY!

(And before you say so, we understand that some might interpret Jess Frank’s Haiku as being less than 17 syllables, and an argument certainly can be made. But I prefer to read it with an over exagerated enunciation of the word “delicious”, which nearly eliminates it by having too MANY syllables, so it’s a grey area that we choose to allow. If you don’t like that, have your own Haiku contest…)

Voting will end exactly one (1) week from the posting of this poll, so, let’s say 11:30 am, April 18th. Aaaaand… Vote!

We Will KICK You In The Facebook!!

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Big deal, you can kick a ball

I just read some bullshit about a soccer player who created a Facebook page and got 7 Million likes in 7 hours. Holy goddamn Pelé that’s a crock of shit. A soccer player? It’s taken us 3 months to get 80 likes on Facebook. EIGHT … ZERO!!! THREE … MONTHS!!! So apparently pouring your heart out onto this digital plain that looks like a piece paper day after day after fuckin’ miserable day doesn’t count for shit!! Apparently all you need to do is run around on some grass and kick a ball around with your friends to be popular, or apparently you have to be some sorta hot stud from Argentina, sponsored by ADIDAS, who just happens to be the best soccer player in the world right now and probably makes an assload of pesos! Ok, that’s cool with me, now where’d I put those damn shinguards?

Dude’s name is Leo Messi and as far as we’re concerned, he can go kick himself in the mouth with his gifted feet. But we here at Van Full of Candy aren’t bitter, NOPE! We love this kind of thing, and we’re gonna take it to the next level Leo! We challenge you to a race, actually two races.

Race #1 … you, me, soccer field, race from one end to  the other. Winner gets the other’s followers. BAM SUCKA!

Race #2 … First person to 8 million likes on their Facebook page gets the other one’s bank account … AND just to make it competitive, we’ll give you a 7 million follower headstart. DOUBLE BAM SUCKA!!

So let’s do this. We’ll wait for your response. You name the soccer field, we’ll be there. Show up alone.

Put your hands down, you haven't won shit yet!

Ok, so now that we’ve totally put our multi-million dollar bank accounts on the line for this, we are going to need all of your help. Please!! Go to our Facebook page and “Like” our page, tell your friends and tell them to tell their friends, and tell them to tell those people to tell their parole officers, or whomever, let’s kick this soccer guys ass and get to 8 million followers TODAY!! WHO’S WITH ME?!?!

UPDATE: [1:45PM] We just received Leo’s YouTube video reply, and he’s ALL IN!!  LET’S DO THE DAMN THING!!