GIANT Size Uncanny X-Apendages? Science Says: Shape Matters

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Evolution, it’s happening right now, right under our stupid little noses, which will naturally one day evolve the ability to smell color so that the blind can understand rainbows.

But yesterday, Science thought it would share what it had found out about evolution happening a little farther under our noses. Around the area that I’ve often refered to as the “nose of the pelvis”. Ask anyone, that’s what I call it.

Genitals and Science: two of our favorite topics here at Van Full of Candy converging in one handy study. If only alcohol had somehow been involved in these findings it would have been a perfect storm of topicry. But really, when ever there’s a story of the study of the evolution of beetle genitalia, it’s pretty likely that alcohol was in there at some point, and more likely at the genesis of the idea. And not surprisingly when it’s nerds examining groin importance, the first finding is that size doesn’t matter. Predictable nerds. Shape, these minisculely hung lab hermits at Indiana University say, is what matters more in genitalogical evolution.

The genitals of tomorrow, TODAY!
The genitals of tomorrow, TODAY!

Now, many of us have seen more than our own particular configuration. Whether it be at he gym, in the pelvic inspection office you work in or at your weekly orgy pot luck get togethers, we’re seen several other varieties of our own style of bits. In those instances when you have seen someone else’s unmentionables, either by unfortunate chance, or by very careful observation finally bearing fruit… crotch fruit… You have likely seen something that both horrified and intrigued you and then horrified you again.

A penis bent at an impossible angle, boggling your mind at what positions this unfortunate might have to maintain in order to accomplish what could charitably be called “humpin'”. Or perhaps labia so out of control you can’t be certain it’s not growing toward you every time you take your eye off of it, leaving you in a horrible position of not wanting to look away, while at the same time wanting nothing more in the world than to look away and burn your top layers of eye off.

Those, are apparently evolved genitalia.

Now, no where in this study or article does it SAY that. The research and findings are based entirely on “data from scarab beetle populations”, but I like to think that I’m merely extrapolating the next obvious conclusion based on my general lack of knowledge and daring leaps in logic that is truly the basis for all advancements in the understanding of our world around us. Only I seem to have the bravery to call these knotted, floppy bits of confusing flesh what they seem to be, a great leap forward in future boning.

According to these findings in beetles, which, as we all know, share over 99% of the genetic markers of humans*, genital divergence between species is noticable in at little as 50 years of “genital evolution”. Which naturally got me to thinking, which generally speaking is never any good for anyone.

All New, All Different Genitals!
All New, All Different Genitals!

The X-Man; follow me on this one. Mutants in the X-Men line of comicy books as produced by the Marvel company, are often refered to as the “next step in human evolution”. These X mans first appeared in the Marvel brand comiced book “The X-Men #1” in 1963, NEARLY 50 years ago. So in addition to the strange and unusual powers that these mutant threats possess, you can add strange and unusual junks in the worn on the outside of their pants, trunks! Just extrapolating from the powers that we know these mutants possess I can probably fairly accurately imagine the horrible mutant penis powers they have concealed from the public. Wolverine and his three metal dongs, springing from his hips on command being just the tip of the penisberg!

It all used to be so easy. We all knew that when the pants came off, everything would work itself out just fine. But now, science tells us that even that is no guarantee anymore. Way to go science, just because you weren’t getting any was no reason for you to go and make me wary of potential interconnectivity issues I may have with the lady friend I bring home after a night of plying her with “get ta know ya” juice at my local alcohol room. How I miss the good old days when my only worry was whether or not she was going to pass out before she threw up on me, or throw up on me before she passes out… Simpler times…

* Likely not true, but don’t quote me one way or the other. But if you do want to quote me, feel free to use this one: “You won’t be enslaving the beautiful Nymphomians TODAY, Evil General Gross! Prepare to be pummeled about the face and neck by the Amazing POWER ROD!”

Science Is Dumb

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You haven’t died from Polio, and through the miracle of modern technology, that bowling trophy’s broken arm was safely rescued from deep within my “fun house”. But aside from that, what has science done for any of us?  For every life saving vaccine or highly specialized rectal jaws of life that science accidentally discovers, there are a bahundred other studies on the effectiveness of aromatherapy on the recently dead, 30,000 different pee pee don’t work pills or the twisted race to see how many human eyelids science can grow on the back of a mouse. Really, most of science is just fucking with mice.

Last week science descended from its floating sky fortress on a hover board powered by screaming insanity to deliver unto us their recent findings. Among them were (and I am making none of these up) that women’s tears make men less sexually aroused, proof of the existence of ESP and that humans first started wearing clothes about 170,000 years ago. Most scientific discovery is like a Christmas sweater with no arm holes from a relative that you barely know. Thanks science, now what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?

So hot... But science says no.
So hot... But science says no.

Israeli researchers published a study in which they presented men with a jar containing tears collected from women who had watched a sad movie and discovered that the men who sniffed the tear jar were less likely to find photographs of women attractive. This is the kind of thing that normal people just kind of understand but that science just has to do anyway. If anyone who didn’t own a long white coat said, “I wish to collect the tears of weeping maidens! Deliver to me my cleanest specimen jar and my Blu-Ray copy of the extended extra weepy directors cut of ‘Beaches’ this instant!” they would immediately become a person of interest in more than three hundred currently ongoing sex crime investigations. But if scienceologists want to make someone cry to prove that boners hate that, they get trucks full of money backed up to their money door. I don’t think it’s really any secret that it’s hard for most to maintain an errection in the presence of a crying woman; that’s the precise reason why my professional rapism career was cut so tragically and prematurely short.

Occasionally science likes to fuck with other science. It’s like when the french horn player in the high school marching band steals the star mathelete’s lucky protractor. Sure, it’s funny, but there are no winners there. Every once in a while someone will publish a paper saying that there is strong evidence linking wishes to the disappearance of the purple footed polar snow lizard or how the sky is always on fire until someone looks up, just to see if anyone is paying attention. Then everyone loses their shit at how preposterous these findings are because everyone knows that the purple footed polar snow lizard’s extinction was a direct result of their own gross mismanagement of the tides. So when a study presenting “strong evidence” of ESP is published in a “well respected” scientific journal I assume it’s President Science sending up a crazy balloon just to see who’ll look up and proclaim that the balloon is standing perfectly still and that the planet is in fact, slowly backing away from it.

What I enjoy most about science and scienceers. is their zealously religious belief that all that they know and understand is all that there is to know and understand. Now, I’m not saying that ESP is real, but I’m at least open to the idea that anything’s possible, you know, like science used to be. But any time someone suggests something new, science will yell and cry about how this thing is impossible and how preposterous this new idea is, until it’s proven correct, at which point this new truth is then protected from future heresy. Olden time scientographers believed completely that the world was flat and that the edge was protected by space dragons who would gobble your ship up whole to keep you from bumping into the hole punched velvet curtain of the night sky until someone went out there and to their surprise didn’t find a single dragon; or so history book writers would have you believe!

These little perverts saw your grandpa naked!
These little perverts saw your grandpa naked!

Then there are “discoveries” that really do nothing for anyone and are just important to people who specialize in the publication of books never meant to be read. One such new study, FOLLOWING THE EVOLUTION OF LICE, suggests that head lice evolved into clothing or body lice approximately 170,000 years ago suggesting that humans began wearing clothes after the second to last ice age. Science, why are you studying the evolution of lice? Do you know something you’re not telling us? And why do we need to know exactly when our ancestors developed to ability to be ashamed of their bodies?

Don’t you understand what you’ve done science? Being a long-standing opponent of clothing, you have only served to aide me in my never-ending quest for the over throw of the textile oppression. I now have the exact (approximate) co-ordinates to set my time machine (when you accidentally invent one while trying to create a box that more efficiently extracts sorrow tears) and stop my monkey uncles from first covering their cave balls in shame. Of course that will probably lead to them freezing to death in the LAST ice age, making me less chronologically viable than a stupid tide neglecting snow lizard, but at least it would kill science with me, which would serve it right.

Way to go science, now get back to me when you’ve cloned another pig uterus for no damned good reason.