drink

VFoC’s Official Drinking Game Rules

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"Happy St. Wednesday, I'm buying shots!"
"Happy St. Wednesday, I'm buying shots!"

We at Van Full of Candy enjoy drinking. And no, we do not have a problem. That’s for amateurs. We are professional grade imbibers. But we generally save our heavy drinking for special occasions, namely, holidays which celebrate Saints. St. Valentine, St. Patrick, St. Nicholas, St. President’s Day, St. Wednesday.

And while drinking until you involuntarily head butt the floor is fun enough on it’s own, we also like to add a competitive social element to the festivities when ever possible. To wit, the drinking game. In doing a little research we found that some people like to over complicate the process of getting drunk, using cards or dice or any assortment of non-alcohol based extraniousness. We have always found that the best drinking games are the simplest. Played by a group of people who can still vaguely make out shapes and sounds around them and are mostly capable of shouting a mouth full of sounds that could vaguely resemble the word “Drink!”

So we at Van Full of Candy want to make sure you get the very most out of your government sanctioned national day of over indulgence with our very own VFoC Drinking Game rules*. Grab a pencil and a napkin and take these down if you want to have a night you will truly never forget! (Because you can’t forget it, if you can’t remember it.)

* Van Full of Candy can not be held responsible for any jail time that may and probably will result in the following of these rules. Van Full of Candy also does not sanction, condone or approve of drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning. Know your own personal limits light weight and of course, always drink Responsibly**.

** “Responsibly” is the only officially endorsed Absinthe brand of Van Full of Candy. ALWAYS, drink Responsibly.

The rules:
The rules:
  • If you see someone wearing green, drink. If you see someone wearing orange, drink. If you can still see someone, drink.
  • If you eat any green food, drink. If it wasn’t intentionally green, take a shot.
  • When ever someone bumps into you, drink. If you spill any of your drink, pound that drink and then drink.
  • Every time a girl says “No thank you” drink the drink you bought for her and tell her it wasn’t for her anyway, and that she’s a stupid ugly cunt. Return to your group, high-five everyone and drink.
  • If you hear someone fake an Irish accent, drink. If you hear someone mistakenly use a Scottish accent, take a shot. If you hear a British accent, quietly sneak out of the bar and rig a home-made explosive to the bastard’s ignition!
  • The first person to go to the bathroom has to finish everybody else in the groups drinks
  • If you’re the first to pass out, drink.
  • If you shit yourself before you vomit on yourself, drink.
  • If you hear a U2 song, shout “I’m Bono!”, give your friend a dollar and drink.
  • If you’re in a bar starting with “O'” or “Mc”, drink. If your bar starts with “El” or “Los” take a shot of tequilla.
  • If at any point you start singing, you can be punched once for each verse you begin.
  • If you run out of money, drink.
  • If you hear the song “Danny Boy”, cry about how much you miss your dad, drink, punch your friend, hug, cry and drunk.
  • If you urinate in the street, drink. If you urinate on a police horse, take a shot.
  • If you wake up with a new tattoo, drink. If it’s misspelled, take a shot.
  • If at any point anyone is impregnated, you are immediately disqualified.
  • If you hear anyone yell “dude” or “bro” drink, throw your empty bottle at them: if you miss drink, if you hit them, drink.
  • If a girl screams out of drunken excitement, drink. If she screams due to sexual assault, you should probably tell somebody, to take a shot.
  • If at any point you see a Leprechaun, your friends are dicks and you’re gonna have to ride this one out. And drink.
  • If you see a Boston Celtics jersey, you have to drink according to the number on the jersey.
  • If you see a Los Angeles Lakers jersey, quietly sneak out of the bar and rig a home-made explosive to the bastard’s ignition!
  • If at any point you lose a shoe, your remaining shoe becomes your travel mug.
  • If you don’t have a drink in each hand, drink. If you only have one hand, you drink free all night with a good “how I lost my fucking hand” story.
  • If anybody claims that they’re actually irish, you must punch them, then kiss them, then punch them, then drink.
  • If you drunk dial an ex, drink. If you cry and tell her how sorry you are, take a shot. If you accidentally dial your current while trying to dial your ex and cry about how sorry you are, you buy the next round.
  • Anytime somebody with a blinky light on their shirt walks by, throw up in your mouth, then drink.
  • Whenever a girl slurs “Oh my god I love you!” to anyone, drink.

And of course…

  • The last person to vomit gets to do so on the first person who vomited.

Happy St. Wheneversday! Chug, chug, chug! Blackout. Fall.

VFoC's Official Drinking Game Rules

Posted on

"Happy St. Wednesday, I'm buying shots!"
“Happy St. Wednesday, I’m buying shots!”

We at Van Full of Candy enjoy drinking. And no, we do not have a problem. That’s for amateurs. We are professional grade imbibers. But we generally save our heavy drinking for special occasions, namely, holidays which celebrate Saints. St. Valentine, St. Patrick, St. Nicholas, St. President’s Day, St. Wednesday.

And while drinking until you involuntarily head butt the floor is fun enough on it’s own, we also like to add a competitive social element to the festivities when ever possible. To wit, the drinking game. In doing a little research we found that some people like to over complicate the process of getting drunk, using cards or dice or any assortment of non-alcohol based extraniousness. We have always found that the best drinking games are the simplest. Played by a group of people who can still vaguely make out shapes and sounds around them and are mostly capable of shouting a mouth full of sounds that could vaguely resemble the word “Drink!”

So we at Van Full of Candy want to make sure you get the very most out of your government sanctioned national day of over indulgence with our very own VFoC Drinking Game rules*. Grab a pencil and a napkin and take these down if you want to have a night you will truly never forget! (Because you can’t forget it, if you can’t remember it.)

* Van Full of Candy can not be held responsible for any jail time that may and probably will result in the following of these rules. Van Full of Candy also does not sanction, condone or approve of drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning. Know your own personal limits light weight and of course, always drink Responsibly**.

** “Responsibly” is the only officially endorsed Absinthe brand of Van Full of Candy. ALWAYS, drink Responsibly.

The rules:
The rules:
  • If you see someone wearing green, drink. If you see someone wearing orange, drink. If you can still see someone, drink.
  • If you eat any green food, drink. If it wasn’t intentionally green, take a shot.
  • When ever someone bumps into you, drink. If you spill any of your drink, pound that drink and then drink.
  • Every time a girl says “No thank you” drink the drink you bought for her and tell her it wasn’t for her anyway, and that she’s a stupid ugly cunt. Return to your group, high-five everyone and drink.
  • If you hear someone fake an Irish accent, drink. If you hear someone mistakenly use a Scottish accent, take a shot. If you hear a British accent, quietly sneak out of the bar and rig a home-made explosive to the bastard’s ignition!
  • The first person to go to the bathroom has to finish everybody else in the groups drinks
  • If you’re the first to pass out, drink.
  • If you shit yourself before you vomit on yourself, drink.
  • If you hear a U2 song, shout “I’m Bono!”, give your friend a dollar and drink.
  • If you’re in a bar starting with “O'” or “Mc”, drink. If your bar starts with “El” or “Los” take a shot of tequilla.
  • If at any point you start singing, you can be punched once for each verse you begin.
  • If you run out of money, drink.
  • If you hear the song “Danny Boy”, cry about how much you miss your dad, drink, punch your friend, hug, cry and drunk.
  • If you urinate in the street, drink. If you urinate on a police horse, take a shot.
  • If you wake up with a new tattoo, drink. If it’s misspelled, take a shot.
  • If at any point anyone is impregnated, you are immediately disqualified.
  • If you hear anyone yell “dude” or “bro” drink, throw your empty bottle at them: if you miss drink, if you hit them, drink.
  • If a girl screams out of drunken excitement, drink. If she screams due to sexual assault, you should probably tell somebody, to take a shot.
  • If at any point you see a Leprechaun, your friends are dicks and you’re gonna have to ride this one out. And drink.
  • If you see a Boston Celtics jersey, you have to drink according to the number on the jersey.
  • If you see a Los Angeles Lakers jersey, quietly sneak out of the bar and rig a home-made explosive to the bastard’s ignition!
  • If at any point you lose a shoe, your remaining shoe becomes your travel mug.
  • If you don’t have a drink in each hand, drink. If you only have one hand, you drink free all night with a good “how I lost my fucking hand” story.
  • If anybody claims that they’re actually irish, you must punch them, then kiss them, then punch them, then drink.
  • If you drunk dial an ex, drink. If you cry and tell her how sorry you are, take a shot. If you accidentally dial your current while trying to dial your ex and cry about how sorry you are, you buy the next round.
  • Anytime somebody with a blinky light on their shirt walks by, throw up in your mouth, then drink.
  • Whenever a girl slurs “Oh my god I love you!” to anyone, drink.

And of course…

  • The last person to vomit gets to do so on the first person who vomited.

Happy St. Wheneversday! Chug, chug, chug! Blackout. Fall.

Your Fizzy Drinks Want to Murder Your Children

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Have you ever looked through your grandparents old toys? Rifling through some of Grammie and Grampie’s old hoardables you come upon piles and piles of things that, if you were to give them to your children today, would probably result at least in your children being taken from you and at most, your justified execution for grossly negligent child endangerment. Every single toy that your grandparents grew up playing with was designed specifically to kill them. Everything was made of wood and lead and cholera. They were designed to shoot things and stab things and melt things. There was no part on any jagged steel toy that was not too big to fit snugly in your wind pipe. And yet, the weird thing is, you exist. Not only that, but your parents exist. Billions of people are alive today despite the 1950’s best efforts to murder each and every one of their children in as fun and exciting ways as possible.

But you’ll notice that we don’t have any of those fun toys any more. Now everything is made of Nerf and edible plastic. If you even try to throw any of your children’s toys they immediately disintegrate in the palm of your hand. And if one of these day glow, dull edged, squishy yawn blobs gets anywhere near a child’s eye or groin it immediately sends out a distress signal, and emits a low, inaudible hum that instantly sedates the child for 17 hours. Fun doesn’t exist anymore because stupid children ruin it for everyone.

But forget dangerous toys lurking in the darkness, waiting to strike, that threat has been neutralized. Today our weakest generation is being terrorized by beverages.

Now that says, "Seizure in a Can!"
Now that says, "Seizure in a Can!"

I like energy drinks. I am an energy drink connoisseur. I have partaken in just about every fizzy neon tinted can of jitter swill on the market (my favorite of which by the way is diet “Howling Monkey”, both because it’s red and delicious and because it’s called “Howling Monkey”, so incase you were looking for something for my birthday…) I’ve even tried Four Loko and somehow found it within’ myself to survive the horrible killer of men. But I am apparently one of the lucky ones who hasn’t been assassinated by these devious, clearly labeled, super caffeinated beverages.

A new report published in the Medical Journal Pediatrics warns that caffeine is bad for babies.

Yeah. We get that.

Caffeine, like tobacco, like alcohol, like crystal meth, like heroin, like chocolate and hugs, is a drug. It effects the body’s chemistry, producing a marked change in its behavior and physiology. When I was growing up, my parents and grand parents wouldn’t let me drink coffee. Not that I ever had a real burning desire to drink the hot smelly black liquid, but they knew that it wasn’t for me. Of course they also smoked a billion packs a day directly into my face, but who knew what then? The point is, people knew that children didn’t need to be hopped up on the Black Horse.

Why do kids need to be drinking these gigantic cans of straight caffeine and “caffeine-like” ingredients anyway? I personally don’t care if they do, hell, feel free to shoot your kid in the eye ball with a needle full of crank if you want to, I find that it’s entirely none of my business. My question is, why do kids need stimulants? As I understand them children are annoying, destructive bundles of boundless energy and screaming all on their own, without the need of rabbit adrenalin and hummingbird piss, which you do know are what Taurine and Guarana are right?

Of course, just like the reason we don’t have awesome murder toys anymore, most of this report is utterly overblown, manipulated and or fabricated bullshit.

Too many energy drinks will give you the "Van Dammes".
Too many energy drinks will give you the "Van Dammes".

Not to say that some idiots aren’t abusing something to the point of personal harm, but the risks are insanely over blown and manipulated. While they say that the risks of these drinks include everything from heart palpitations and seizures to “sudden death”. They also make sure not to quantify drink related complications of deaths. And the death reports that they do cite are of European teens who either mixed the energy drinks with alcohol (a personal favorite of mine by the way) or who had epileptic conditions that may have increased their risks.

So in the end, what they’re warning people of is not energy drinks, but human stupidity. If you drink enough water, you could die. You could literally drown in your own body. You kidneys fail, you die. From water. If you do too much of anything, it can, and likely will, kill you fucking dead. In a culture of over indulgence that can’t take responsibility for its own actions, everyone has to blame the makers of the things they can’t stop shoving down their eat holes for what it does to them. It’s not Mortimer F. Redbull’s responsibility to make sure you don’t drink too much of his tasty beverage because you broke the thing inside you that tells you you’re done drinking. If you’re going to let your kid drink enough Monster that they begin to hallucinate, then maybe it’s not the fault of the Pepsicola company that you’re a bad parent.

You’re all the reason I can’t buy sharp, cast iron, lead dipped, army man bites to play with in the back yard anymore, and you’re not going to take away my Siezure Sippers now too!