We all understand that fast food isn’t good for us, we get that, it isn’t a secret, but sometimes you just have to make a run to McDonald’s, or Jack, or Carl’s, or Wendy’s, or the BK. Too tired to cook, and too lazy to go hunting, you get off the couch, drive your car over to the drive-thru, order through a box, and take home your bag of cholesterol. Fast food chains have definitely helped us to become lazy in our cars, and for that, we thank you oh creator of drive-thru’s.
We can do our banking in a drive-thru, pick up our dry-cleaning in a drive-thru, wash our car in a drive-thru, get a venti white chocolate mocha frappuccino with carmel and whip cream in a drive-thru. We don’t ever have to get out of our cars anymore if we don’t want. We could live in our cars and most of our basic necessities would be met.
But now !! Just when you thought it wasn’t safe to get out of the car. Now, my beloved King of Burgers is going the extra mile by cutting out the middleman of actually having to stand up, put on shoes, grab keys, and drive 1/6th of a mile. They’re making our already lazy lives LAZIER !! “How?” you ask? Pick up your phone, dial your closest Burger King and tell them your order. THEN! Somebody will arrive at your door with your hot disk of meat parts and a gallon of Coke. Your phone is the new drive-thru !! BRILLIANT !!! Now if only Starbuck’s would deliver.
So Montel William’s television show, monotonously named, “The Montel William’s Show” ended a few years ago. Not that anybody had any clue, hence, me letting you know. You probably know him better for his infomercials pushing his Healthmaster Blender to people who are too lazy to actually go to a grocery store, buy the ingredients to make a healthy soup or smoothie, peel, chop and blend those ingredients and then wash out the Healthmaster, dry it, and put it away so they can be healthier by making better food choices. But the motivation to do so is there everytime you pick up the user-guide/menu with thoughts of “oh that’s easy, I can totally do that”, but the blender just ends up depressed in a cupboard collecting dust right next to that salad spinner you really needed to start making your own salads, it then gets moved from apartment to apartment with well wishes of using it one day, only to be put in a box
and transplanted to the garage where it sits for another two years before another apartment move to where one says, “let’s put it on Craigslist”, but doing that takes so much freakin’ effort that it ends up next to the apartment dumpster you’re moving out of with a FREE sign on it only to be seen by another “wanna be healthier” person, picked up and put in their cupboard. Thanks Montel, but Burger King meal deal #4 is sounding really good and easy right about now.
So as I’m perusing my local rag today, I read that Mr. Blender Man wants to open a medical-cannibas dispensery in Sacramento. Hey wait! I freakin’ live in Sacramento. Montel just totally showed up in my backyard and wants to get me stoned. SWEET!! But wait, it gets better. I also find out that Montel is going to be a special guest for the improv comedy company we used to be a part of. We had better get some sort of sweet-ass-pot-ex-employee discount, that’s all I can say. You hear me Montel? Or better yet, you better give me a sweet rate on my cash advance of $1,500 that I can get through your Montel Williams Cash Advance Website … Wait! WHAT??!! You’re also a Check-Into-Cash? I’m starting to get really confused with all your different business ventures and websites and health and psychics on your old show and blunt rollin’ and … damn, I need a smoothie. (And in that instant it all became very clear to me).
Montel has a “Downward Spiral Ponzi Multi Level Marketing Healthy Stoner Scheme” going on. It’s a very rare one, but one that I’ve only heard about in biblical scrawls. Here’s how it works: The show, The Montel William’s Show, was the credibility draw. We’re drawn in with all your good deeds of people-helping, and even bringing in mediums who can predict the future and talk to our deceased loved ones. That’s the hook, you’ve got us to love you, the kind of love which never goes away. THEN … you open a Wacky Tobacky store to get us all nice and lit and ready for some munchies. As we’re sitting on the couch unable to more than giggle at our ferns, you buy some commercial time and tell us about your snack making Healthblender, which we absolutely need because we’re munchy’er than shit at that point, but we don’t have quite enough to buy it, so we go online to your Money Dealin’ store and get a quick loan that is quickly deposited into our bank account which we then immediately use to purchase our high speed fruit mixer, sending that money directly back to you. You’re a clever one Mr. Williams, a clever one indeed. Now, about that discount.